• Member Since 28th Jul, 2016
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Pumpkin Pony


Slowly writing a real book~ If you have ideas for a villain, let me know. :3c

Sequels1

Comments ( 136 )

“The fact that I was still speaking! My complaint with the council’s decision on my fence still stands – it stands five hooves tall, upon a five hoof wall! This isn’t against building code, Princess!” He sparked. Celestia attempted to prevent herself from rolling her eyes, relaxing back into the chair. She leaned partially to her side, raising a forehoof to her cheek in idle contemplation.

Is this based on that one reddit post i saw?

10918692
Yes, actually! There was a lawyer who wanted a 10 foot privacy fence. The city made him take it down, but then he put a 5 foot wall and a 5 foot privacy fence on top, and they couldn't do anything. I thought it was fun enough to add~

Honestly I am rather hooked by the description alone...just vague enough with choice details shaping a image. I could almost say add some pointed detail (thoiugh not names per say unless used well and...I am not sure how to do that? More of a sense, really?)

Only that tiny sense it could be spiced more...otherwise this thrilling and coupling with fine piece of covering pulls at somber notes...

It does make one wonder after how Luna will be portrayed...hmm?

Ps. I saw that upload of all the chapters...:eeyup:

“About as well as one could expect. They destroyed a large swath of Ponyville, declared war, and eventually simmered down once Pinkie Pie stepped in. Do you know how many windows they broke from screaming in the royal halls alone? Two. Which isn’t much, but it’s weird that it happened twice .”

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Well, I'm currently writing the followup. I don't like to post "Chapter by Chapter" as sometimes, I have to rewrite sections - or even chapters - of work, either when I'm doing another round of story boarding (updating the plot as it's written) or when I need to patch an inconsistency (which I hope I could do with most).

An example would be in Chapter 39, when I decided to add some fun Pinkie Pie flair, thus I had to make an edit to Chapter 14 to make it consistent.

Also, it means that I don't leave potentially dozens of readers waiting hours, days, or weeks for the next chapter.

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Currently about halfway through the story and I'm really enjoying it, it's nice to hear that a follow up is on the way. My only real concern is with you dropping the entire story in one go, while its super nice for the readers (thanks by the way) you aren't really going to get terribly many readers (assuming you care about that) and I feel that this story deserves far more recognition than its currently getting. I'd recommend doing what Hiver does and prewrite the story and then release a chapter every day or so until finished for maximum results.

10920281
Ah shoot, this is my first story here, and I was hoping to be kind by publishing as a proper author would.

I'll keep that in mind for the followup. I'm hoping it's a bit shorter, and that I can finish it in a couple weeks (it took me around 12 days to write Inertia, if I don't include one long hiatus gap of several months). If you could, the best thing you could do for me is to spread the story, I guess - and post it to a few groups. I'd be very appreciative, as I hardly know how to use this site (I visit rarely when I feel the itch to read).

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140,390 words

it took me around 12 days to write Inertia

It took me over half a decade to write a novel of this size. How can you write so many words in such a short time? Are you a quantum computer or something?

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I sometimes sit down and write for up to 8+ hours a day; maybe more, if I have the energy. I have moods where all I want to do is be creative, and writing is a wonderful outlet for me!

Like, I recently timed how long it took me to write a single chapter (with minor editing as I did so) and found I could pump an entire 4k chapter out in like... an hour and a half, if I'm taking a few minutes every so often to flip through some other content. I type pretty quickly, and a lot of what I type is actually very rough. Imagine if you were to type out a paragraph, but on the document, you basically spasmed out and put down an entirely different word every few sentences. (Example: Instead of time, you wrote 'tea'.)

On top of this, while I have MASSIVE binges of writing, it's usually followed by a long hiatus. It took me 9 days to write the first 30 chapters, but I took a seven month break, only to come back and finish up the story after proof reading my work in 3 days. And I deleted around 4 chapters worth of bad ideas and poor writing, sometime during that last binge.

10920582 How do you end your hiatus? Mine's been going on for 2 years now. I feel it will never end.

Pretty good so far. Nice introductory chapter.

Wow. I swear I could almost feel the tumultuous emotions that Arin must be feeling.

It couldn’t possibly get any worse, could it?…

Now he's done it. He broke the Law of Murphy.:pinkiegasp: Arin has now doomed himself.

Ok, I like this story. But there is a major issue. The attitude and behavior of this guy just isn't how a lower caste person would act or behave. It's how a modern American, European would behave, But someone from a medieval or roman era civilization with a caste system, and that person being at the very bottom... yeah no. The behavior would be fine if you had him in a mid-tear caste, but even then, they would never correct a noble. He would have been taught from childhood to keep his opinions and snarky remarks to himself. Backed up by public caning if the serf was particularly slow, repeated until it sank in.

The story is good, and it is well written, other than the out of character behavior, I like it.

The Monk
"Mavis, for crimes against royalty, I hereby sentence you to the sushi bar!" the judge said, as chains wrapped around her, and dragged her away." -darkmage1997

As always and for all stories, please feel free to leave a comment on what I can improve.

You can't. You're perfect.

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Aha! I didn't think of that. You do have a point, and I should have considered that in post - but I can bring a counter argument that Celestia explicity had a preference for not being treated as royalty, simply because she didn't care for the endless flare.

And the attitude could rub off pretty quickly, especially during a quick time lapse.

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The key to ending a hiatus is to find the pieces you enjoy most of your story, and keep the mindset that you want the public to see how these pieces play out.

Personally, sometimes you just have to cut some fat off, the roadblock you think is keeping you from writing - and plan around it. I had 4 chapters written out that I came to hate, as it felt like it was denying me key developmental moments later on in the story. I still feel like my late chapters were a bit of a mess, but I proof read them enough to iron out the majority of the flaws. Another chapter I particularly disliked came from the fact that I didn't want to split the viewer's attention between a side story for exposition, and the main characters (this could have easily been 200k words had I made abstract side chapters that contributed nothing to the main characters). Thus, the air ship chapters are some of my least favorite writing over all (to me, it felt like characters were guessing what could be happening, without direct proof - but it had to be done, and I tried to write them skeptical of their own assumptions.)

If I could rewrite those parts, I think I would. Maybe something like the airship took a bolt of lighting, had to dip low during repairs, and spotted *spoiler spoiler spoiler* in the distance. It's my biggest regret with the story. And I'd probably go back and rewrite a few portions of the last few chapters, to give better dialogue and kinda place the characters more accurately (I believe Honey Rose was the most boring character I had after a while, simply because she was so normal and had little to contribute to the rising tensions).

So when you're stuck in a hiatus... just focus on what you enjoy most of your story, and if things seem dull - make a new impact to pull yourself out of a rut. I kinda felt like I had to do that with later chapters. Switch things up, throw in a small twist or force a climax early - just try not to go in without a full storyboard, like I originally did. I finally decided to sit down and create a flow of events around chapter... 24, and that was my biggest mistake. As I eventually had to change it like, 30 times. (Essentially, a thin, 2-3 page rough draft that boiled down all your ideas into just a couple sentences). Another thing that could help, is writing a small, impactful moment that you want to occur - and writing to reach that moment.

Some people really need to learn to appreciate a thicc figure.

Celestia began to digest that, thinking quietly for a moment. “Luna. You’ve been drugged into falling for Arin.”

Oh god what a twist, that's such a kick to the nuts for Arin

going to chapter 29, it is a AWESOME story!

Keep up the work on the sequel and ill be happy!

Ouch, kinda the first time I'm seeing this take on Flash Sentry.

Just finished reading and I've gotta say this was a really enjoyable read, a nice blend of comedy, action and romance. The action scenes in the later chapters were particularly good, some surprisingly good foreshadowing/twists in the story and it was incredibly satisfiying to see Arin finally get his magic and kill Leotoln. My only real criticism is the whole Arin being Leotolns' son bit, it just felt really cliche and overdone. Otherwise top notch story looking forward to more from you

But enough of this drudgery. The Princess in question adjusts her crown, the royal regalia on her hooves, and stands up from her throne.

Wrong time - the rest of the story is written in the past. Other that that tho? Nothing I can find.

This story is so awesome! First chapter and I’m already all in.
disenchantedscholar.files.wordpress.com/2014/10/dis-gonna-be-good-anticipation-pull-up-a-chair-listen-watch.gif

“You’ve got two choices” - Has no choice.

I don’t like this. I don’t like this at all.

10921616
Hey, ya gotta have your tropes! But think about it. Did you expect it or not?

If you expected it, then I actually wrote it well. You knew it was coming! It had to be, right? If it just blind sided you with no clear signs this could be the case, then it's poor writing. It wont have impact if you didn't see it coming. There needs to be a clear build up, tension! And that's what I strive for when I write.

And I'm so happy you enjoyed my work. I'm trying to improve on some of the things mentioned by other readers for the followup (which is in progress, though I'm writing much slower due to exhaustion from work/sleep depravation). Though Arin finally ascended I still want to write him as growing/developing, and still who he is from the start; an Inert, not a hero or chosen one. Other than that, I know I probably have a few spelling or grammar errors here or there, which I'll fix eventually.

10921690
The intention behind this statement was more along the lines of "I'm going to reassure by saying you have a choice in the matter, in truth, you don't, and the decision is made for you."

An example I could give is if your boss told you to do something you typically aren't paid to do. Sure, you can say no - but they could take that as inability to perform, and fire you. Not trying to make an argument or anything, just trying to reveal my thought process behind the writing. I'm sure there's at least a few faults across the story's entirety - I did this entirely solo, with no editor, after all.

10920582
I-I... This *ahem* excuse me. This has motivated me beyond measure and has been the motivation i have been looking for to get back to writing...

From the depths of my horse words writing heart thank you.

OH MY LORD THIS IS A GREAT STORY!!!

PLEASE SEQUEL SOON!!!!!

Still, why isn’t he getting a say in the tutor thing? He obviously wants to say something, why isn’t Celly asking what he thinks?

While I do like that he’s open for second chances with Honey, I don’t like that he’s like “My fault.” when Celestia tells him of Honey’s letter. He shouldn’t be taking the blame for her rude behavior.

Also, what is up with Luna and Celestia? Reading that last part feels... weird.

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I'm not an expert at writing. I do try my best; but keep in mind that this isn't going to be 100% show accurate work.

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The sequel is in the works at the moment. I'm busier than ever in real life, and I'm taking it much slower - but still.

10922995
don't stress out, keep a steady workflow, and don't get burned out!!!!

I hate when writers get burned out and stop for a year :(
Keep on going!

While I do agree with rikthemonk somewhat, I’d like to expand on it.

Oh, and this includes spoilers for the chapters 1 to 7.

In the chapters 2 and 3, we have a good view on how he does act. He knows that his place is below others, and he is overwhelmed when he’s given the chance to be on pair with everyone else, excluding nobles of course.

Then he meets Honey. He doesn’t like her, she doesn’t respect him. This is on a personal level, so it shouldn’t change his view in his place below the royals. When they meet up with Celestia tho... She offers Honey the option to bully him further, and he tries to object. While I don’t think he’d say “Hey wait a second”, him objecting isn’t hard to believe. After all, Celestia has shown to be kind.

Now, the major factors I see there are the following:
1, Celestia doesn’t allow him to say what he thinks about Honey. That could come down to one of two things. Either she doesn’t care about his opinion, or she’s a bit dim and doesn’t get that he’s not happy with the situation. (Considering chapter 6, I’d go with the 2nd option. But in that moment, I thought she didn’t care.)
2, Celestia offers her friendship to Arin. While he can’t be sure of her motives, she’s been mostly kind to him and has given him a new start in this strange world. This would stand in conflict to the fact that he has no choice about Honey getting to take care of him, but I’d still say that this would shake his view on social standing.

Now, I’m not saying that he’d just throw away his worldview - I’m saying that this could be a start to that.

When he meets Luna in chapter 6, his reaction to Luna’s scan spell is “You know, I would find it polite to ask first.” This is the first thing where I’d say it’s completely out of place.
If this would be Celestia or Cheery Hooves, this would be fine. He already knows that he doesn’t need to fear them and they’re on a buddy level. For Luna though... While she is smaller than Celestia and her colors wouldn’t make you think of a goddess as much as Celestia’s, he still clearly knows she’s royalty or at least a noble.
You could argue that he’s still sleepy, but that wouldn’t have as much influence as his lifetime of him being the last one to care about. He already introduced himself, he would at the very least wait for her to speak. That’s just good manners.
I would have let him remain silent until Luna introduced herself, and then continue on as you did; “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Princess Luna. I must ask, why do ponies keep… using their magic on me like that? The wave spell? Doctor Cheery did it when inspecting me for magic earlier.”

Following that, I think it’s fine how he acts, especially since Luna treats him as equal. Actually, I think it’s better that he accepts this, as I could imagine it seeming rude if he didn’t. After all, you don’t ignore a gift from royalty.

Then there’s the scene with Celestia and Luna where they act like children. That’d do one or both of two things:
1, He’d loose a chunk of respect for both of them.
2, He’d be scared of them.
Having this mental image of them as childish beings, I find it fairly easy to accept how he treats Luna from that point on. Before the argument though? No, he’d be more careful and respectful.

I find it quite surprising how ok I am with how he acts, but I do know that that is due to my own perspective. I am kinda split on this: While my “feel” side says “Yes, I like these interactions. It feels right, it works.”, my “think” side is more like “Maybe later, but this early on? No.”

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What do you think? Any input on this?

Arin was pleasantly surprised to see Luna face planting the table.

Now let’s take that out of context...

Her horn sparkled, and she lifted the cloche off the waiter’s back, setting it down with a thump. Lifting it, she immediately took a bit of whatever it was – Luna’s blueberry waffles, without thinking.
“This is a bit much to chew. So the Sun of your world obliterated it? And your people – the magical few that survived – abandoned you.” She said, studying the waffles. She had a feeling these weren’t hers.

This is gold.

-

Not even a berry? A hint of syrup? She found herself with a glass of water, too. The chefs were starving her.

Water is by far a better drink than anything with alcohol. Bleh, never got into it. :<

10923041
While I appreciate the in-depth reply, I believe that the characters are still acting within a reasonable mindset.

While one can argue Arin's interactions with Honey Rose are poorly developed, a counter argument could be laid out as such: Arin is from a different world, with different customs and ideas. Ponies could be more touchy than Seraphs, in fact - they're not even shameless to be naked. I didn't express this in the story, because my line of thinking is "this is just how ponies act", and it's represented clearly in the show. But you do have a point - I didn't express Arin's revelation that he's in another world, in another culture. I should possibly edit that in - he needs to realize pushing ponies away isn't going to help him in any light, and he should embrace their culture. Celestia pushed Honey on him intentionally - what better way to get rid of those old social teachings than by pairing him up with someone who will whittle them away? Celestia wouldn't do it if she didn't think it would work.

That is why you feel these character interactions are natural and expected. If you've read any fictions on here, ponies - while sociable and human like - do not follow the same social patterns as humans. They are often embracing, open, kind, and sometimes just outright unaware of personal space. I could also argue that Honey's disposition is natural for her, because she handles elderly on the daily. Thus, her interactions are crude and prodding, but kind at heart.

The Princesses are royalty, yes, but they're still ponies. And it's fair to say Celestia and Luna - especially during the finale of the show, if you accept that - are more so interested in normalcy than anything else. They've expressed a disinterest in Nobles (at least Celestia has at this point) from the first page, and would likely care little for all of the royal flare pushed on them by every source, especially among those who they call friend. Arin is still not in the right place or mindset, and had never dealt with royalty - but finding them no threat and even friendly, he's going to treat them with some form of respect, but with all things - respect has to be earned. And if you're constantly the target of spells and incantations without your permission, of course you're going to become frustrated.

Finally, regarding Celestia's decision to require Arin seek friends - I don't recall Twilight having much choice in the matter, either. Celestia sent her to Ponyville to make friends and relax, even with dire matters at stake. So of course, she's not afraid to repeat her lessons - especially when she sees potential. She has a remarkable eye for potential, after all. And sometimes, one could consider her 10 steps ahead of any situation.

I think I covered everything here, I didn't order it by any means - but if I left something out, do let me know. I'm not infallible, but I hope to be as open with my intentions and writing as possible.

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Oh yes, and Luna/Celestia's behavior should be accurate to a fault among close siblings (that don't despise each other). One could definitely see Luna's actions as being within reason, but honestly - you should 100% keep reading. You might find there's a method to the madness, later on.

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Well, yes. It’s still childish though. :rainbowlaugh:
And don’t worry, I’m hooked. I will read it all and then again! :pinkiecrazy:

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and he should embrace their culture.

Welllll no. Not if it means forgetting who he is. As for Honey herself... she’s just rude, nothing about culture there. You just don’t treat a person with full mental capabilities like an elderly person or a baby.

what better way to get rid of those old social teachings than by pairing him up with someone who will whittle them away?

Not a wise choice if the one that is supposed to be ‘formed’ just learns to dislike the other one. Trust me on this one, forcing someone to work with someone they don’t like? NOT a good idea. I gotta know. Well, I’ll just follow my headcanon and say Celly’s dim in this AU.:rainbowlaugh:

Thus, her interactions are crude and prodding, but kind at heart.

I do think she doesn’t mean to be rude, don’t get me wrong. But the thing is, she is rude. Can’t deny that.

As for most of the other things you’ve written, I’m not sure as to why but ok. As far as I can see, you’re mostly explaining the pony side. I was talking about Arin’s way of acting.

One more thing though- you say that respect has to be earned. That’s true. But you still would act respectful if you were to meet a ruler, especially in their land, city and home. And the reason is simple: Fear. Even if you would absolutely hate someone, you wouldn’t act unrespectful if they hold power like Celestia or Luna do. The only way you would act rude to them is if you know that you don’t have to fear them. And, referring to the thing I wrote about his first encounter with Luna, he didn’t at the time.

Anyway, I stay with my “It’s fine, but too early” for now.

Well, I’m interested to see what rikthemonk (or anyone else who reads this) has to say.

FINALLY they’re talking.

not children’s books. Just somewhere to start.

:rainbowlaugh:

Oddly enough, the pillow smelled just like Celestia

cake

and tea

I like these happy and light chapters. They do bring a smile to my face for sure.

this is genuinly precious a lovely moment :)

10923041

I find it quite surprising how ok I am with how he acts, but I do know that that is due to my own perspective. I am kinda split on this: While my “feel” side says “Yes, I like these interactions. It feels right, it works.”, my “think” side is more like “Maybe later, but this early on?No.”

Well, it is a first story by a new Author, and writing is a learning process. The more you write, the stronger your stories. For an early story in an Authors career, it's well done, and those mistakes can be forgiven. Besides, there is no way to fix the issue without damaging the story, and the problem isn't large enough to ruin the story if left alone.

I expect great things from this Author.

Monk
I find it quite surprising how ok I am with how he acts, but I do know that that is due to my own perspective. I am kinda split on this: While my “feel” side says “Yes, I like these interactions. It feels right, it works.”, my “think” side is more like “Maybe later, but this early on? No.”

10921690
still did him a favor, I suppose

I already have a feeling that I'm gonna be sad when this story is over

I actually like this interpretation of magic, simple, clear, and interesting, very nice

10922926
She's gotta get her moneys worth outa this guy
And besides, he is a citizen now, that generally requires some education on the local culture and history, nessacary evil.
Although as they're formally friends now, you'd think she'd at least ask as principal.

Poor Arin, caught amongst the sister rivalry so soon

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