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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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10918692
Yes, actually! There was a lawyer who wanted a 10 foot privacy fence. The city made him take it down, but then he put a 5 foot wall and a 5 foot privacy fence on top, and they couldn't do anything. I thought it was fun enough to add~
Honestly I am rather hooked by the description alone...just vague enough with choice details shaping a image. I could almost say add some pointed detail (thoiugh not names per say unless used well and...I am not sure how to do that? More of a sense, really?)
Only that tiny sense it could be spiced more...otherwise this thrilling and coupling with fine piece of covering pulls at somber notes...
It does make one wonder after how Luna will be portrayed...hmm?
Ps. I saw that upload of all the chapters...
10919536
Well, I'm currently writing the followup. I don't like to post "Chapter by Chapter" as sometimes, I have to rewrite sections - or even chapters - of work, either when I'm doing another round of story boarding (updating the plot as it's written) or when I need to patch an inconsistency (which I hope I could do with most).
An example would be in Chapter 39, when I decided to add some fun Pinkie Pie flair, thus I had to make an edit to Chapter 14 to make it consistent.
Also, it means that I don't leave potentially dozens of readers waiting hours, days, or weeks for the next chapter.
10920095
Currently about halfway through the story and I'm really enjoying it, it's nice to hear that a follow up is on the way. My only real concern is with you dropping the entire story in one go, while its super nice for the readers (thanks by the way) you aren't really going to get terribly many readers (assuming you care about that) and I feel that this story deserves far more recognition than its currently getting. I'd recommend doing what Hiver does and prewrite the story and then release a chapter every day or so until finished for maximum results.
10920281
Ah shoot, this is my first story here, and I was hoping to be kind by publishing as a proper author would.
I'll keep that in mind for the followup. I'm hoping it's a bit shorter, and that I can finish it in a couple weeks (it took me around 12 days to write Inertia, if I don't include one long hiatus gap of several months). If you could, the best thing you could do for me is to spread the story, I guess - and post it to a few groups. I'd be very appreciative, as I hardly know how to use this site (I visit rarely when I feel the itch to read).
10920490
It took me over half a decade to write a novel of this size. How can you write so many words in such a short time? Are you a quantum computer or something?
10920562
I sometimes sit down and write for up to 8+ hours a day; maybe more, if I have the energy. I have moods where all I want to do is be creative, and writing is a wonderful outlet for me!
Like, I recently timed how long it took me to write a single chapter (with minor editing as I did so) and found I could pump an entire 4k chapter out in like... an hour and a half, if I'm taking a few minutes every so often to flip through some other content. I type pretty quickly, and a lot of what I type is actually very rough. Imagine if you were to type out a paragraph, but on the document, you basically spasmed out and put down an entirely different word every few sentences. (Example: Instead of time, you wrote 'tea'.)
On top of this, while I have MASSIVE binges of writing, it's usually followed by a long hiatus. It took me 9 days to write the first 30 chapters, but I took a seven month break, only to come back and finish up the story after proof reading my work in 3 days. And I deleted around 4 chapters worth of bad ideas and poor writing, sometime during that last binge.
10920582 How do you end your hiatus? Mine's been going on for 2 years now. I feel it will never end.
10920805
Aha! I didn't think of that. You do have a point, and I should have considered that in post - but I can bring a counter argument that Celestia explicity had a preference for not being treated as royalty, simply because she didn't care for the endless flare.
And the attitude could rub off pretty quickly, especially during a quick time lapse.
10920814
<3 Thank you~
10920672
The key to ending a hiatus is to find the pieces you enjoy most of your story, and keep the mindset that you want the public to see how these pieces play out.
Personally, sometimes you just have to cut some fat off, the roadblock you think is keeping you from writing - and plan around it. I had 4 chapters written out that I came to hate, as it felt like it was denying me key developmental moments later on in the story. I still feel like my late chapters were a bit of a mess, but I proof read them enough to iron out the majority of the flaws. Another chapter I particularly disliked came from the fact that I didn't want to split the viewer's attention between a side story for exposition, and the main characters (this could have easily been 200k words had I made abstract side chapters that contributed nothing to the main characters). Thus, the air ship chapters are some of my least favorite writing over all (to me, it felt like characters were guessing what could be happening, without direct proof - but it had to be done, and I tried to write them skeptical of their own assumptions.)
If I could rewrite those parts, I think I would. Maybe something like the airship took a bolt of lighting, had to dip low during repairs, and spotted *spoiler spoiler spoiler* in the distance. It's my biggest regret with the story. And I'd probably go back and rewrite a few portions of the last few chapters, to give better dialogue and kinda place the characters more accurately (I believe Honey Rose was the most boring character I had after a while, simply because she was so normal and had little to contribute to the rising tensions).
So when you're stuck in a hiatus... just focus on what you enjoy most of your story, and if things seem dull - make a new impact to pull yourself out of a rut. I kinda felt like I had to do that with later chapters. Switch things up, throw in a small twist or force a climax early - just try not to go in without a full storyboard, like I originally did. I finally decided to sit down and create a flow of events around chapter... 24, and that was my biggest mistake. As I eventually had to change it like, 30 times. (Essentially, a thin, 2-3 page rough draft that boiled down all your ideas into just a couple sentences). Another thing that could help, is writing a small, impactful moment that you want to occur - and writing to reach that moment.
going to chapter 29, it is a AWESOME story!
Keep up the work on the sequel and ill be happy!
Just finished reading and I've gotta say this was a really enjoyable read, a nice blend of comedy, action and romance. The action scenes in the later chapters were particularly good, some surprisingly good foreshadowing/twists in the story and it was incredibly satisfiying to see Arin finally get his magic and kill Leotoln. My only real criticism is the whole Arin being Leotolns' son bit, it just felt really cliche and overdone. Otherwise top notch story looking forward to more from you
10921616
Hey, ya gotta have your tropes! But think about it. Did you expect it or not?
If you expected it, then I actually wrote it well. You knew it was coming! It had to be, right? If it just blind sided you with no clear signs this could be the case, then it's poor writing. It wont have impact if you didn't see it coming. There needs to be a clear build up, tension! And that's what I strive for when I write.
And I'm so happy you enjoyed my work. I'm trying to improve on some of the things mentioned by other readers for the followup (which is in progress, though I'm writing much slower due to exhaustion from work/sleep depravation). Though Arin finally ascended I still want to write him as growing/developing, and still who he is from the start; an Inert, not a hero or chosen one. Other than that, I know I probably have a few spelling or grammar errors here or there, which I'll fix eventually.
10921690
The intention behind this statement was more along the lines of "I'm going to reassure by saying you have a choice in the matter, in truth, you don't, and the decision is made for you."
An example I could give is if your boss told you to do something you typically aren't paid to do. Sure, you can say no - but they could take that as inability to perform, and fire you. Not trying to make an argument or anything, just trying to reveal my thought process behind the writing. I'm sure there's at least a few faults across the story's entirety - I did this entirely solo, with no editor, after all.
10920582
I-I... This *ahem* excuse me. This has motivated me beyond measure and has been the motivation i have been looking for to get back to writing...
From the depths of my horse words writing heart thank you.
10921970
<3 <3 <3
OH MY LORD THIS IS A GREAT STORY!!!
PLEASE SEQUEL SOON!!!!!
10922802
The sequel is in the works at the moment. I'm busier than ever in real life, and I'm taking it much slower - but still.
10922995
don't stress out, keep a steady workflow, and don't get burned out!!!!
I hate when writers get burned out and stop for a year :(
Keep on going!
10923041
Well, it is a first story by a new Author, and writing is a learning process. The more you write, the stronger your stories. For an early story in an Authors career, it's well done, and those mistakes can be forgiven. Besides, there is no way to fix the issue without damaging the story, and the problem isn't large enough to ruin the story if left alone.
I expect great things from this Author.
Monk
I find it quite surprising how ok I am with how he acts, but I do know that that is due to my own perspective. I am kinda split on this: While my “feel” side says “Yes, I like these interactions. It feels right, it works.”, my “think” side is more like “Maybe later, but this early on? No.”
10924909
I'm glad you're enjoying the story so far!~ ^u^
And no, you wont be too sad - the sequel is in the works, and I'm taking my time on it. I actually want to iron out some of the flaws others had pointed out in the follow up, and tie up all the loose ends - including some parts of the story that to me, I feel like I didn't use to the fullest. This is an actual tiny spoiler, don't read until you've finished Inertia: An example would be a the spell on Nocturne; I felt like that it holds no purpose during the events as Inertia.
10926143
I'm happy you're enjoying the story so much~ Thank you. ^u^
10926505
Consider it more like a thousand years coming to term, all at once, and you're finally opening up to someone for the first time since you were born.
Actually holy shit. What a great read, even if it was on the shorter side of what I like
I'm so glad you are working on a sequel, so many books and fics like to barely wrap up the climax and end it right there.
Thanks for the laughs and heartfelt moments
10924996
Where did you come up with the name nocturne? I wrote it up in a fairly extensive lore setup for a fic I'll probably never write, since then I've come across two other fics with nocturne as some variant of Lunas blade, I'm deeply confused
10927346
I think that, if Luna had a sword, it would canonically be called "Nocturne", as Nocturne means:
"a short composition of a romantic or dreamy character suggestive of night, typically for piano."
OR
"a night scene."
So it's probably the most common name for blades designed for Luna. So by that standard, you could say that it's a trope. Tropes aren't a bad thing, after all.
I got no PM, so here we go.
This chapter kinda broke the story, I’ll try to explain what I mean. Also for everyone who hasn’t read the last chapter already, spoilers.
tl;dr
Arin’s way to op.
First of, the fact that he literally came back from the dead. Now, that in itself is absolutely fine if done proper, but there were absolutely zero hints that this is possible at all. Despite that, I was still rolling with it, as it was portrayed as something incredible difficult. His ascension ties in pretty well with that.
Oh btw, his realisation that he ascended is somewhat confusing with all these short sentences.
Then, the King orders his men to attack and they ignore him. While it would make sense if Arin had already challenged Leo, that’s not the case. I’m assuming that they don’t do anything because they’re scared, but I don’t know that. In the moment, it just seems like they don’t have any reason to be waiting. So why are they? You should probably include that information.
Then Arin and Leo start the fight, and it looks promising... until Arin turns into some sort of god. And for me, this was the tipping point.
Why was his instinct to hold his hand into the magical laser? How did he absorb it? How can he hold onto that magic at all? How is he able to wield it? Leo only managed to survive the magic of the elements because he had the heart. Leo is older, more experienced, should be stronger, a master of magic, has healing beyond reason... and Arin just what, drinks the laser? How?
Oh yeah, and Arin is now a god of the blade. That too.
The way Arin beats Leo is ok I guess. Stab him, dodge, ... oh right, heavenly power in form of an arrow. Don’t get me wrong, magical arrows are a fun thing to play around with. But again, Arin somehow channels the power of Harmony all on his own, which doesn’t make sense at all. There’s a reason why you need all six of the mane six for the EoH to work.
Now, what does make sense is that he needs the crystal heart to store his power. What doesn’t is that he didn’t die from that energy the moment he absorbed it.
And then you just... reverse death. On a large scale. Do you want to revive someone from the dead? Some lightning, the crystal heart, and there you go. Your own undead army!
And why can’t that reverse or break the spell that put Celly on the moon? After all, he does have the power of harmony in his hands... Which apparently can reverse death but can’t be bothered for a long range teleport.
Then we’re told that ascension makes someone a master of everything they’ve ever done. First off, that would mean that Arin is now a master at a LOT of stuff, since he’s done so many things. Secondly, that’s actually inconsistent with the story: Early on, we were told that Ascended as so good a what they do because they can choose their passion and train that for centuries. Now, that could just be Arin not knowing this... but it still feels way too op.
Then there’s his natural power level. We are told that Seraph magic grows with age, which would explain why Leo was so strong. And Arin is just strong, because reasons? What would have made sense is having him reach about the same magic level as Leo with the boost, so they are on equal grounds for the fight.
Hmm what else... I think the last thing that bothers me is Umbra. She’s actually the one I’d be most ok with reviving for the following reason:
She was killed by the EoH as they tore apart her black magic. That means that her natural magic hasn’t been attacked, and could keep her in the between, especially with her experience with death magic.
However... because you revived everyone, that doesn’t apply in the same way. Here, it’s just “Everyone’s alive again” which should also restore every part of everyone’s being, as seen with the regrown leg. That means that Umbra should still have the umbrum powers.
Now, I’d like to apologise and tell you why I am so harsh with the ending.
Because I love this story. I even considered putting it into my “top 10 ever” list a few times. And that’s a high honour, considering how much I read, not just on fimfiction.
And it hurts me to see this story not in that list, just because on an op mc. Just because of a forced mostly happy ending.
Sooo yeah. :I
Well, I’m still hyped for the sequel. Do you want me to go over the story again to try to find spelling mistakes n stuff?
10927620
https://puu.sh/I1JHU/c5a73deb11.png
I did PM you. You didn't respond.
I wanted to kinda go over it better in depth in the sequel, but since you aired it out in public like this, I think I'll just go over it more in depth here.
Essentially speaking, some of this would be covered in the sequel. But I feel like you deserve an explanation now.
Ascension is essentially a breakthrough of a Seraph's magical abilities. Like it's listed in the earliest chapters, there's actually three types of Seraph; Inert, that bares no magic at all - an Inert that holds innate magic (often called Enchanters), and a true Ascended - which gains either wings, magic, or both.
When Ascension occurs in a young Seraph, their magic surges and pulses outwards - often at random, unbidden, and uncontrolled. A Noble house is more likely to help encourage this by placing their young Seraphs (called Cherubs) in training to force this to happen. It's like finding your cutie mark, and it's more akin to Twilight's cutie mark in the first season - when it covers their childhood 'coming of age' stories. At a young age, a Seraph has no skills - only talents, thus Ascension only improves those natural talents further. But an Inert can have talent and skill. It's like superfeeding your brain magical energy, the pathways between neurons rapidly enhance and refine to the point of muscle memory for any task you've learned. For the inexperienced and the young, this means nothing. Arin has a lot of skills, but those were mostly rough - an Inert with no magic is often given the lowliest of tasks, like blowing bottles, sawing wood, forging nails, prep work/baking bread, gathering herbs, etc - an Enchanter would have more refined crafts related to what they excel at the most. And an Ascended would be able to take any pursuit, as an Apprentice onwards. I should have been more specific with my writing.
Arin's massive increase in power has to do with two factors; his lineage (direct descendant of a powerful Ascended), and how his power developed. What isn't covered at all in the story, is that all Inert can ascend. And that the harder it is to Ascend, the more powerful they can potentially be. It requires magic to ascend. Celestia knew this from the very start, the first day she met Arin - just by examining him via spell, because she felt this long before in her own magic academy through her student, Twilight. And she knew the best way to open his magic up would be to have him make friends. She learned this through Twilight as well. This is why Arin can wield Harmony magic without outright dying. His magic came from Harmony, it boiled away inside of him - and it finally shattered the stone of his Ember. In the first few minutes of his ascension, he essentially channeled all elements of magic at once, because he held those elements to his heart.
Arin's school of magic - Restoration - is from his experience in Equestria. He learned to grow, to accept the light of friendship. Thus his power was heavily attuned to that. He first experienced healing when he embraced his role as a true citizen of Equestria, on equal terms to all. He experienced healing again when he learned to accept Honey, even though he felt forced into doing so - he would grow to accept, and even cherish, her. He showed the light of healing when he helped Vapor Cloud and Ice Lance with their challenges, by being an empathetic heart. When his relationship with Luna grew, he healed - his heart healed, and he healed hers, by being the pillar to lean against and the person she needed to love. And finally, he healed Umbra by showing her friendship, and her place in the world. And he did this all, under your nose. And during the most powerful moments in his life, his magic - fueled by Harmony - would be able to undo death, and only to an extent - anyone who lay dead for more than roughly 10 minutes would be impossible to recover. This, again, isn't covered - but I believe implied.
Arin still, at the time, didn't know Celestia was trapped in the moon - by the time he learned, he would have been exuding most of his magic back into the world (on top of this, there is an exact reason that will be covered in the sequel). He only knew she was gone, and not at the throne. He was all but dead, simply unconscious on the floor, (THIS, was left out). If Luna didn't try to enter his dreams one more time, and found him still alive, he would have never woke up. I should have written this so much better.
And in the sequel, more information about Harmony is unveiled which I wont cover here.
Arin being good at the blade, and the bow - it's again, partly refinement of natural talent (which he did have, but would never have a chance to act on as an Inert in his world, and the fact that he's basically at maximum, overkill, overcharge power for those few moments meant he'd naturally be faster. He wasn't the best in the world at the blade - he was basically pumped full of adrenaline and at his peak. He will never reach that level of power again.
Now you say 'inconsistent' when it comes to what's improved with ascension, but also keep in mind - ascension occurs at the age of 10. I feel like I mentioned this. Cherubs who don't ascend before their puberty kicks into full are considered Inert, and are often cast-off from society as a lower, second class. Even Noble houses will abandon their children to fate.
As with Umbra not being an Umbrum - he's still channeling Harmony magic through his spells. Harmony, again, comes from the elements - by simply changing who she wanted to be, growing and healing - she was a viable target for Harmony's healing effects, but the Umbrum aura is an anthithesis of this same magic - thus, she was partially resurrected, and disconnected from the hive mind. Basically, her umbrum form was an abomination, but her heart and spirit were pony through and through.
Now that you've gone over everything, I know that the chapter needs to be fixed. *But it was the last thing I wrote on a long writing binge.*. I feel like I messed it up, now, and I should have waited instead of submitting the story. It was at the end of a long writing session that I finally sat down, checked over for errors, and submitted. It was lazy. And I feel bad.
But, it's too late. If I could rewrite it to have more exposition, I would have.
10927620
I will edit this chapter to be more specific at a later time. For now, I added an author's note to the top indicating that it's 'rough', and will be updated soon.
10927965
Huh, I didn’t get that PM, I just checked to be sure. Strange.
Wait, so his natural magic IS harmony magic? Alright, that makes more sense then.
In that case, I only have two complaints left. One is that you didn’t give a reason in your story why the guards didn’t move that fist time, the other is that he is still op.
How to explain... Think of Celestia and Twilight. Twilight’s raw magic is, without a doubt, way WAY stronger than Celestia’s. And still, I’d wager Twilight would loose if they were to fight each other, unless she trains quite a bit.
Now let Twi be Arin and Celly be Leo.
Hmm, maybe try to get a proofreader to discuss such things.
(*hint me hint*) (I can totally understand if you’re fed up with my nitpicking tho.)
And don’t feel bad for this, everyone makes mistakes. View it as an opportunity for learning!
10928023
The Seraph Soldiers didn't move at first due to it being near impossible for an Inert to ever ascend at the time, and the fact that a man they thought were dead not only still lived - but ascended before their very eyes, something akin of a fairytale of their world. On top of this, they were already questioning Leotoln's leadership, and plenty knew of the ranks of Kings and Nobles. Leotoln had no other heirs besides Arin, and he stood before them to challenge his rule.
And in terms of Arin's OP strength, it's only for the briefest moments. This is his peak. He will never reach this height of power again. On top of that, his ability to heal will once more be limited by knowledge, experience, and talent. His limitations are lifted during Ascension. When his power dwindles and returns to normal levels, it will be significantly lower than expected; this is due to his magical endurance being untrained, and no longer in mortal peril. And while his magic is highly potent, he can only store so much (it's why Seraphs grow in power with age). During his Ascension, he was essentially releasing twenty years of stored power. On top of this, his magic was infused with the Elements.
And his magic >isn't< harmony, it's more so empowered by it as he is attuned to the elements. So just like Twilight, his power dwindles and spikes based on his friendships and the status of his friends. He will never be this strong again; but he can spike in power and overextend if lives are at stake. Seraph Science is still based on theories and needs more study to confirm, after all - and there's much to be learned.
10928023
Pumpkin Spice#2403
Add me on Discord. Might as well stick to my pony name. And since you're proof reading, I'll have to go over everything with you - including intentions, story arcs, characters, alternative endings. Hope you're ready for that.
10928089
10928061
Oh why am I so bad at explaining...
I didn’t mean the power, I meant the skill. Despite that fact that Arin/Twi are stronger in raw power, they should still be worse fighters than Leo/Celly.
Also, a friend is letting me use their Discord, they go by “Nintoherobrother”. Don’t worry tho, they’re not gonna peek in our convos.
10927568
Not at all, it's a beautiful name
10924996
Was just about to ask if a sequel was underway, glad to see there is. I really enjoyed this story. Though shorter than what I usually read, it was nonetheless quite a good read. Definitely excited for the next installment!
Hey you! Yes, you. The person looking through the comments to decide if they should read this story or not.
Do it.
Now for my opinion on the edit... Well, all and everything that bothered me has been fixed. Heck, some things that I didn’t know bothered me have been fixed! Now this is truly a story where the only thing that bothers me is that I can’t read it forever.
I don’t care that the bookshelf is full already, into my top 10 it goes!
Great story! I really enjoyed it and am definently looking forward to the sequel.
Man, I don't remember the last time where a story got me so hooked that I actually read the whole thing in just a matter of two days. Gosh, great story - I love it!
+ Goes to my favs.
10937166
10937236
Thank you so much. <3 I'm writing... I think Chapter 12 right now, and it's coming along nicely. If we were stuck in a pandemic again, I'd be on... chapter 30, at least, for sure. Until then, I can manage 1-3 chapters a day with what little time I have. ^///^;
I really enjoyed this story, though I can't say it's perfect. There's a lot that you did well, and a few things that need some work. Overall, this is intended as a critique, not a criticism. And no one should read this post until after you've finished the story, 'cause it contains a lot of spoilers.
I would describe this story as a 'rags-to-riches' self-insert story. Nothing wrong with a character that readers can relate to, I like those kind of stories. I feel you wrote Arin generic enough so the reader can imagine themselves in his place, rather than just following along with his story. However. the danger of self-insert stories is where the protagonist is human yet super-strong, super-smart and he always marries the princess - sometimes, all of them. Those stories are fairly dull, there's no CHALLENGE for the protagonist to overcome. You avoided this well by making Arin not human, but close. His race heals quickly and learns quickly, and his background shows that he's pretty well learned about the world. So he's not super-human, he's normal for his race. He's also earned his experience, and the things he achieves in the story are based on that life experience. Excellent job.
Arin's 'sudden' ascendance is not as surprising as some readers seem to think. There's plenty of talk in the story saying that Arin's ember of magic is locked away yet 'feels' powerful. Later on, his magic slowly manifests as telekinesis during the sparring match with Vapor Cloud. Celestia and Luna discuss the fact that it will likely take some drastic event for Arin's magic to fully awaken. Arin's sudden ascension was thus not that sudden - it was hinted at during the sparring match. This is called foreshadowing, folks. And well done IMO.
Having a character suddenly manifest new power during a near-death experience isn't new. Try watching some Dragon Ball Z some time. The super power-up was unexpected, but nicely explained after the battle as a normal after-effect of ascending. It also explains one reason why Leotoln's soldiers didn't want to help him - a freshly ascended Seraphim is not something to mess with. Making Leotoln Arin's father explains the massive power that Arin has when he manifests. Add in the fact that Arin's been embodying the elements of Harmony by making friends through the story, and I can accept that he could temporarily harness the raw power of Harmony during the battle. I would like to have seen the healing magic also heal and raise Seraph's from the dead as a Kindness, but it's a minor detail. Maybe the magic from the Crystal Heart could only affect Equestrians.
I did notice that Arin and Luna's romance was advancing really fast, but I like the eventual explanation - Luna was being influenced by the missing alchemical elements so she would fall in love with Arin. Here's one of my complaints - Arin should have come to the conclusion that HE loves Luna, and it didn't matter if Luna was drugged. The drugs couldn't make her love him, just encourage her to act faster then she normally would. Luna's reaction in the story came across like "I don't care if you date-raped me, I love you anyway!" I understood the intent, but it came across as awkward and creepy.
Which brings me to my big complaint about the story. Why was Arin sent to Equestria in the first place? It's stated that he was brainwashed and sent there so Luna would fall in love with him and quickly marry him. Celestia would be dead by assassination, so Arin would have a legitimate claim to the Equestrian throne. Nice plan, but then it was simply dropped. King Leotoln is shown as a warmongering king who would rather smash down the front door rather than be sneaky. And putting Arin on the Equestrian throne is sneaky. It's very out-of-character for Leotoln. Putting Arin on the throne only kinda fits when you consider that Seraphs have been destabilizing Equestria for three years, but then the battle at Canterlot and Ponyville doesn't make sense.
Now, if Leotoln had mentioned his original plan was to put Arin on the Equestrian throne as a puppet leader, but that plan was thwarted by the failed assassination of Celestia AND the failure to release the Umbra in the Crystal Empire, then it wold make sense. The battle of Canterlot would then be a back-up plan.
Overall, an excellent job. If you like Human x Luna stories, you might want to check out my story, Hoof and Claw Versus the World.
10947782
Aha! Yes, a lot of this I thought I covered well, but Inertia turned out to mostly be experimental for me as a full fledged release. I had never written a book before; I've had a few dabbles when I was younger, when I'd dump 20 chapters and just call it a day. But in the end, this was my first full attempt at making a story. And I felt like I did "meh" as things traveled along.
The sequel I've actually refined a lot more. See, Inertia gave me the inspiration to set up a journey, a set of goals - and finally, gave me a firm sense of workflow and confidence to scribble through it all. Verve, is my attempt to refine the world - the magic of harmony and what makes the characters tick, the reasoning for things past - and grow new characters. (The main cast is Arin, two new characters, Tempest, and Celestia - with Umbra rejoining later.)
I'll accept your complaints with dignity; I'll be sure to work them out in the sequel, if I can find room to add it to my 'list of gripes'. I'm currently working on... Chapter 36 for Verve, and this time - I have an editor. I'm happy to say I'm bumbling along and of course, rushing romance as per usual (I think Chapter 29 turned out to be clop. Again. If 29 in Inertia was clop). I've finally cleaned up my act and stopped throwing random things together hoping i'll patch up the loose ends in post. Instead, I've got a clear cut path and dozens of ideas to write out, making the entire thing a joy. The only thing I seriously lack is more sub chapters for other perspectives; something I may pick up in post.
In Verve, my own >actual< character plays a part. Arin isn't a self insert of myself! In fact, it's a insert of what I desire in a man, while being generic enough for others to take his place. That's why I kinda doodled him as generic in some ways; there's room for the reader to slip in, not me.
In real life, I'm a stuttering shorty who reads much too much cheesy romance novels for her own good. I crush easily, and while I'm married IRL - not everything is sunshine and daisies, y'know? Not with my hubby, at least.
So writing Inertia/Verve is my escape from that. And if people enjoy it, they enjoy it, and I'm happy.
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Oh yes! And I do believe I covered that - Leotoln is bold and brash, but he was willing to take it slow until it all fell apart; he had time to do it, as the conflict in Erenorn hadn't reached a tipping point yet. When the group smashed the lightning towers, he had to speed things along - and go with a more deadly assault. In fact, when he claimed Alma Sol several hundred years ago, he did so directly, and without a ton of support of the people or foreign leaders. So while he was king, it was to a less-than-loyal populace, and tensions were stressed. He wanted to start again, take his time, and seize Equestria through the populace's hearts; let his son claim the throne, force the Umbrum army to attack, then swoop in at the last moment for an easy clean up when all the battle heartened Equestrian veterans bled out in the snow. It would be easy to seize the throne if he could bring order and peace. But when that fell apart, he'd have to shift plans to how he'd done it before - take a new land, and leave nothing but ash for his enemies in Erenorn.
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One of the biggest issues I have with my own writing is - "did I remember to tell the readers <insert important fact>, or is it still in my head? And if it's still in my head, will I tell the reader later on?" Unless I missed it, Leotoln's plans weren't directly stated. We had the clues as to his plan, but I don't think it was ever confirmed. Without some confirmation, it feels like a dropped plot point.
Oh, and rushing Arin and Luna's romance wasn't an issue after you revealed that Luna was being poisoned. there was a reason for it, so it worked out well. I like having reasons for things.
Damn, what an excellent story! Thanks for taking the time to write it.
Can't wait for the sequel, when might that be though? Like I'm rattling needing more of this!
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I'm currently writing Chapter 46. I was originally thinking I'd hit 60 chapters, but it's looking to be closer to 70. I still need more editors, too! So if you're interested in playing a part, send me a direct message. You'll be able to read everything I have written so far.
This was actually fairy good all rhings considered.
Things were foreshadowed nicely and had a few un expected turns.
Was surprised by Celestia's parts in the end as i didnt see a lot of it coming even if most of the things with Arin and Luna went like i expected to go.
Tho I feel the whole ingredients thing could have been worded a little better. Tho as i assumed Umbra would be the solve to Arin's side of that, Luna's kinda left a bit off tho.
I do like the slowly found out plans of the enemy throughout the story tho.
Vapor is still my boi tho 10/10 friendo bro
Anyways i hear you are doing a sequel is it more of the same or is it going to have a different focus?
~Reggie
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Sorry if it's not the best; I wrote nearly all of this story in one massive binge, had no editor, and no one to keep track of plot points besides myself. Inertia felt roughly cobbled together, in comparison to Verve. The final time for the first 30 chapters was 12 days - the 9 that followed were written around 4 more. I hardly had time to edit, as work ripped my free time to shreds.
The sequel is going to be exploration based, into the Unexplored West on Equestria's map. It will also visit the moon, first - and the stakes are much, much higher.
I just finished... chapter 48. The final six main characters are... Celestia, Arin, Tempest, Umbra, and two new OCs - one of which is worthy of her own massive story and background, too. It will convert into a Celestia fic, but for good reason!
It'll be the last story I write, so I want to tie up all the plot holes, all the "untouched" bits and pieces of Inertia, and really hammer out the lore of how magic works beyond "friendship".
It's action packed, full of comedy, with some unsettling dark twists and turns - based on the same "fun and lighthearted but everyone can die" kinda attitude Inertia had. Verve is shaping up to be a very long read. Average chapter length: About 8 pages. But I'm finally nearing the end.
I have blog posts detailing my progress, too. I'm going to start a final edit spree that'll take around a week in... probably around several days, after I finished the majority of the writing. Stay tuned for more~
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Oh dont get me wrong i still loved the story and thought you did a great job. Especially at how quickly you got it out.
I know you just mentioned the main characters for the next fic but i assume the main characters from this one will be supporting at least in the new fic?
I would hate to lose my boi Vapor.
~Reggie
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Vapor makes a short appearance in the beginning, otherwise, you'll have a few new favorites. One in particular definitely has some fans already among my editors.