- Member Since 26th Jan, 2014
- offline last seen 17 hours ago
Ron Jeremy Pony
What to say about me... I'm a novelist, I enjoy writing Fanfiction (seriously I like it. Although I mainly do Justice League or Highschool of the Dead), and thanks to Dr. Whooves I found FIM.
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I have to ask, what is the cover art from? That ship looks so familiar, but i cant place it and it's driving me nuts.
Intersecting story, I do like the links to the FoE stories, seeming that it was made by some of the same original creators of the original Fallout franchise and Vegas, you should put it in those groups as well. As for the story itself... I have mix feelings about it. While the writing is solid the pacing and the narration makes it feel like this is written like FPS games with the NPC check points with the protagonist and characters sounding more like cardboard characters at the moment spewing out the information that they have to to the player in the attempt of trying to replicate the events of the game; but it was at least getting better toward the end. I think the main issues is the lack of atmosphere descriptions which is really hurting it at the moment along with being into too much of a hurry to get the story going. For example Slim doesn't really sound confused at what's happening in when she was waking up and the information being too forthcoming to her from the stallion, without having her doing any of the exploring or mental footwork to do any of the guess work, with no clear motive for her to want to save the rest of the colonists other then she was told to do so. I think you would be better to take a step back and try to make your story with the theme rather then rigidly following the game narrative of the game; I know I am just preaching to the quire here, but a reminder now and again is always good. Sorry
Also if you are looking to commission a cover art you can contact me if you want, I have loads of experience for doing cover art on Fimficition. You can go see my Youtube Channel here for my speedpainting and my DeviantArt gallery here.
I wish you good luck on your story.
Actually I think adding more of a prologue of exploring of how Slim's life was for her just before she was put to sleep would help a lot in building more sympathy toward her situation and give her more of a clear motive to want to help save the crew if she already know some of them before she discovered that they turned to cannibalisms. For the sound of it, she seems to have great luck in always arriving dead last at everything in spite of everything conspiring against her to fail, would help her in having a mix of happy-go-luck attitude and being an absolutely genius when under pressure or good at jerry rigging a rickety solutions to a problem on the fly in thinking out of the box.
just an idea if it can help.
10637148
Thanks for the suggestion, and I believe that it can help. As far as the prologue, I'm most likely going to leave it alone, but I do want to work more of her history into the story as we move alone. Also, as far as the idea of adding the Fallout Tag I went ahead and did so. Thanks,
RJP
10637029
The coverart is actually just a generic picture of the opening screen for the game Outer Worlds.
10637029
This is a crossover with The Outer Worlds, and the ship is from that game. However, since you're asking this question you might be thinking of the ship from the TV series "Firefly", which I believe the ship in the image was based upon.
Toaster repair pony?? It would be nice if that was an actual background. It's a complete shame the actual Outer Worlds is not moddable.
10646978
Give it time, and I'm sure that eventually it will be. And that's just one of the very many nods I made to Fallout Equestria and several of the various spinoffs.
How the heck did I miss so many updates?!
10649708
I'm trying to update fairly regular until my work from home position starts in Feb. After that it will likely go to once a week on Saturday or Sunday.
Read the chapter that I missed, I think the back story your provided for Slim Luck's history was very interesting, with her wanting to make a life for herself that she worked for with her own two hooves, and not just be given to her by association with that clock work pony, which could have worked between the two but would have been unfulfilling for her having done nothing to reaching that amount of wealth which would always be haunting the back of her mind. And as for the connection with the colonist stable pony from the ship, while not really romantic I thought it was a wholesome relationship between them and does give glimpses of her own characters that she has a intrepid spirit to her which prevent her from settling down for long in one place in her current situation, through having the colonists still trap stasis could still be a factor. For the other characters that were introduced on Equestria 2 they certainly sound very interesting and we do the tragic story of how this cooperation seems to permeate every aspect of ponies life right down to the way they are thinking and don't seem to realize that they constantly spew out advertisement and that their worth is determined by their output and productivity. While I did like that I felt the story, or rather the character doesn't focus much on deliberating on a game plan in how she is planning to get all the chemicals to free the colonists from stasis exploring different venues, financial situation/options creating contacts, getting the lay of the land and such with lots of hiccups along the way all to reach that goal. I think it might be a case of trying to follow the games narrative to closely without out have a planned over arching story, which as I understand of the game story was also the major flaw in it of almost forgetting about the colonist un until the end of the game.
While I did see a lot of improvement in the story, at least on Slim's Chance backstory and such, and expressing some of her thoughts and feelings at times, I think the major issues of the writing is the frantic pacing, as in I have no sense of time that passes in a chapter or between them with little filler between the two or signs of skipping overview in between lol moments, every thing seems to be playing in present tense; like a 'after hours of cat and mouse fighting' 'after a few hours of playing with a rubric cube, never managed to get more then one side the right color' waiting for the ship to reach destination, we finally arrived. There is a lack of adjective that that communicate an emotional state on Slim Chance's part in the subtext of her situation in the sentences making it the writing sound more of a constant same drone with not tonality in it at times. Sorry, i hope it helps you a little
All the yes! The Outer Worlds was awesome, and this looks promising.
Are the rest of the Ministries going to be there?
"We work to earn the right to work, to earn the right to give ourselves the right to buy the right to live, to earn the right to die."
10676340
Fine Print is certainly where the inspiration came from.
Managed to get updated on the chapter getting definitely better. I do like the Emphasis of Slim Chance being and adventurer spirit/pioneer and isn't interested in you average 9 to 5 work day schedule, and is a lot deeper in her reflections then she was in the first few chapter; probably because her brain was still in frozen for a while there. The characters around here are mostly getting better, as in less carboard-y and are also starting to be a little deeper in the dialogue, but it's largely dragged down the near absence body language description of follow up opinion that slim makes of them on the fly like as followed , it would really help to give them more character to their great dialogue but sound stilted just because they aren't backed up with good narration.
I think the story could have afforded more planning if you were planning to have a large cast of characters and alternate the teams and have some of them split up in pursuit to their own goals/objectives and later come back later with some news for her with her plans and more missions for them to do.
Hope this helps a little.
10678419
You make some very valid points. I might see a rewrite coming for this in the near future.
10680520
Sorry dude
10680847
Don't be sorry. In truth I wouldn't mind a rewrite in that it would give me a chance to improve what's already there. I will continue the story as well but take the suggestions into account moving forward.
10680851
Ever scene this song before?
10683800
Yes, yes I have. I absolutely love it, and it's on my spotify playlist for writing this story.
Still slightly stilted, but massively better from before, with having a better idea how the characters are talking. I would say there could be more follow up to the dialogue in reflecting their thoughts, but that is more of my personnel tastes in writing style. Keep it up man and I hope you will manage to look back to edit your earlier chapters while it's still possible to do.
I am afraid that the first haft of the story was a step backwards in the dialogue part you did a lot better in the last chapter, sorry dude
If I had a dick this would be where I’d tell you to suck it.
Lake Placid reference?
10710176
Yes, yes it was.
interesting chapter, I would say it's a mix bag on the writing, the first haft part on the ship and sex, with some crew interaction was pretty nice actually, but the escort of the rich mare, despite liking the scene was rather weird after she felt with no time transition after they rescued her, even it it was stated after the fact that it was just ten minutes, and there wasn't more of a disturbed element on the mare or Slimes' part of the fact that she was just raped mostly on the narration side. The Black Jack cameo scene, was rather... underwhelming, I am not against the idea that Slimes' is a descendent of BJ, but I felt that their could have been more of a build up to both revelations, along with quirky moments of BJ somehow finding the the perfects item she need even if she didn't know she needed then and find out it's incredibly useful later one. I would have guessed that BJ store would somehow relocate itself from one planet to another with none of the locals realizes that she came or ever left and just assume she is part of the scenery like everything else for centuries, help it could even be a pocket dimension linked up to different locations and time; Maybe a wierd case of Officer Jenny and Nurse Joy. For the family resemblance I think it would have needed a little work to hint it more like quirks and such.
Sorry dude this is just my thoughts
I would say the first haft covered everything
10637029
It's from a game made by Obsidian called The Outer Worlds.
Aye!!! Reference to project horizons!!
Why would anyone do that when you look so beautiful??
So it only works on mares?😅
10797314
Thanks. I didn't realize that it said mare and female. I meant for it to be male and female. Was pretty funny though. Fixed though.
I hope she'll be able to leave as well
What about the level 4 security armor she got earlier? Is she still wearing that or did she get rid of it?
Gilda and butterworth feel kinda sidelined. I didn't even realize they came with slim chance to kill the dragon things. They haven't talked alot
Why go from first to third at the end?
I'm confused on how blackjack is here but didn't help fixed up the colony or took on the board. I'm not opposed to her being In the story I'm just really confused
This was good
Interesting chapter it was nice seeing some speculation on BJ form slim and her feelings about her. Keep up the good work
Question to the author I recognize the refences to foe and foe:project horizons but what are the other ones that were mentioned and can I have a link to them.
11020252
Thanks to the question, and sure. Here's a short list of the Fallout Equestria stories mentioned.
Fallout Equestria - Pink Eyes
Fallout Equestria - For a Sparkle Cola
and of course
Fallout Equestria
Hope that helps
10794809
First, wow, thank you for saying that Sweet Kisses is beautiful, but as to why... Consider that this is heavily based on the Outer Worlds and Fallout Equestria. If there is one universal truth to both of those universes it's that the sapient beings occupying them don't always think ahead. With the Outer Worlds specifically if something is obsolete and not of use it's discarded. Especially if it was designed to last forever. Because then at that point you have something that will continue working well past the point the corporations would expect to have another ordered.
11068054
I've played outer worlds and it's super fun. I just feel sad that she's stuck to the ship permanently
10797824
Wow, it's been a hot minute since I've been on here. Anyway, allow me to fix the confusion. So, at the end of Project Horizons (Spoilers for those that haven't read it) Blackjack more or less becomes immortal. She's got a blank body, and it's discovered that blanks don't die of old age. They can die, but not of old age. So, Blackjack basically has the potential to live forever. I took that and ran with it. So she's traveled to the stars and has been helping ponies that exist on these colonized worlds. I haven't put any zebras in this yet mostly because according to Fallout Equestria Lore they are wary of the Stars themselves.
Thus, I didn't see any of them willingly going to the stars to begin with.
11513371
Never finished project horizons. The plot got hella weird..... so I stopped reading