- Member Since 6th Mar, 2014
- offline last seen Yesterday
Bromad
A brony who's constantly traveling around
Bromad
Joined 6th Mar, 2014 ·
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Second chapter, no ponies.
Chapter 1 had a really small hint that either Nate thought of or through telepathy, that something was off. Looking at the tag, it could be changelin/pony related. Since not every writing is truely standard, the hint was vague and never brought up again.
The big issue was the filler chapters that doesn't address the readers' time to continue reading: "is there ponies?"
It took about 4/5 of chapter 5 to reveal there was a changeling in one of Nate's past during the war. When he actually met a changeling in the present, it was average. Nothing wrong with that, but it took way too long to reveal there are actually ponies, or something related to MLP, in this fiction. That long drag would burn out the reader's attention before they could reach the 5th chapter.
One idea that could help is to show that something isn't normal to begin with in the early chapters. Since this is also a third person view, shifting the persective to the changeling for a while could give your fiction a bit more hooks for the readers to catch.
I had to skip later parts of chapter 4 since I was trying to find a reason why I wanted to read and found none. I had skipped a lot of chapter 5 about Nate running away from the deathclaws. It was on one of his later flashback that I skimmed through that I found the first mention of said Changeling.
One thing I also wanted to point out was how weird it was for Nate to ask if the dog knew how to reload seriously. This could have been used to tell the reader that something is not all it seems, instead, it was weird.
Considering how metal it was when Preston told Nate he had a knife wound and nonchalantly staples his would multiple times while talking, you might have gone for the strength and endurance type while lacking in other areas like Charisma or Intelligence. It would have been better portrayed if the people around Nate had some reaction at how not normal it was. Could have been a memoriable scene.
My personal thought: I would still continue reading. But there isn't much tension or anything between Nate and the Changeling, other than the initial awkward first time seeing eye to eye. Hope there is more meat in the story considering the Changelings had interestingly sided with the American.
Read up to chapter 5 only
Just to add after my previous comment, this fic is quite interesting to read.
Even thou it's a retelling of the beginning of the game it was damn finely done! I only hope the rest of the chapters stay that way. Xd
But I'm very curious how this is supposed to play out with equestria???
I understand the importance of build up, and even for a partly retelling this chapter keeps my interest up and in suspense,awesome! I'm still wondering how ponies are going to be introduced into this thou.
Ok ya kinda lost me, I get what happened but it's to much randomness for me, I'll read this story later, good luck dude.
AH,MA,GAD FALLOUT 4
I am triggered. It can't be meathead it's DOGMEAT
GOOD JOB BRUH! YOU juku.it/wp-content/uploads/2016/09/Gentlemen-you-had-my-curiosity%E2%80%A6-but-now-you-have-my-attention.jpg
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i.chzbgr.com/full/8484392192/h2D92B580/
Good story, but sadly i have my own stories so i'l read this next time when im available, it was fun but nothing last forever (Unless its god) CYA!
I’m calling it the dog is a changeling pretending to be a dog.
On my first play through. But then I found out Wasteland Wailers had a radio mod, so now that's what I listen to.
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No it's not Dogmeat, it's a Changeling that was pretending to be a dog.
Now I'm wondering, whatever did happen to Dogmeat?
9390636
I haven't read the story yet... I just commented that there because i thought that it was dogmeat
9320983
Reading this chapter after it's been some time since I've written it, I was able to go back in to see what properly needed to be addressed.
After reworking the flow and structure of the chapter, it should read easier, rather than what was written down before, and be a little less random.
Thank you for the comment.
I thought it was meathead not dogmeat?!
9443099
Fixed, thank you for pointing that out.
oh dear, what a tragedy it would have been had those exterior doors been rusted shut. squish goes the vault dweller.
is it wrong i want Lonnie to make it out alive? i don't usually care about the raiders i kill but when they have a tragic story it at least makes me stop and think. she sounds like an addict who just wants to go home and get off this crap. unfortunately, few rarely make it. i remember the two sisters in the game. one had been supposedly held captive in Corvega but unfortunately the logs inside tell that she got killed at some point. the other sister gets gunned down by the player and never learns of her fate. really sad.
uhh, dude, you are covering information they went over a chapter ago. they heard about synths from the guys at the diner/ Trudy (i forget) and i distinctly remember Meathead telling Nate that he could teleport and Nate questioning it. i would advise going over old chapters from time to time to make sure you don't accidentally repeat some info dumps.
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Oh, you mean Red and her sister, Lily.
They make an appearance, don't worry.
9390636
might still be out there. there is another dog companion you can purchase in a random encounter early on though it costs a fair few caps so its not impossible Dogmeat is wandering around
"One does not simply...."
Random Guard: "Umm, sir."
Boromir/Faramir (can't remember which one is in the meme): "What?"
RG: "Some random man and his dog are walking into Mordor."
B/F: "WHAT!!!!?"
fun fact: the song "I'm Proud To Be An American" has the word aint in it. the line goes "There aint no doubt I love this land.". i looked up the lyrics and sure enough aint was in them.
So, the story description couldn't be more vague. Is this a human in Equestria, Equestrian sent to earth, or a 'natural' world where they evolved side by side?
What's the point of the story or the arching plot?
I think this is Fallout 3, but with a changeling as Dogmeat... and changeling uses subtle magic to aid human is the rub,
am I right?
Nuka-cola is not, in fact, a cola.
It's a blend of 31 different fruit flavors.
9487753
To answer this comment for anyone else reading them,
Here's the extremely short version of the answer I PM'ed to Mocha earlier,
Takes place on Earth,
Nate and Meathead are working to save the Commonwealth from Evil.
Meathead uses his Changeling abilities to detect humans from synths.
Only three words can describe this story: MOTHER. FUCKING. AWESOME! Need I say more?
This story is really underrated, I feel. I think I can work out why - mainly it takes a while to be a 'pony story', and even then it doesn't focus on Meathead the changeling as much as it does on Nate. Most casual readers don't stick around long enough to get to the initial reveal.
Still, for someone who likes Fallout, this is brilliant. And it actually has a more realistic take on the Fallout 4 story, rather than a set path. Congrats, author, this debatably has a better storyline than the actual Fallout 4 story itself, not to mention actually having something about Nate's past.
i think Daisy would have gotten along well with Hermione. who knows, maybe she is her daughter/granddaughter. this is an interesting thought. everyone who survived radiation to become ghouls had magic in their blood. would explain both their survival and their longevity. Fumbledork is slated as anywhere between 75 and 150 in book one and everyone expected him to live at least another 50 years. they live a long time. he was already well into adulthood back in the 20s.
9523330
I apologize, but no Harry Potter crossovers here. I may reference it or draw inspiration from it, but writing a Fallout/MLP crossover is time consuming enough. Incorporating characters from that universe into this one, along with making it logical would be derailing the train and heading straight towards nonsensical randomness.
9523565
i wasn't suggesting such a thing. i just had a funny thought while typing that they would get along quite well from your dialogue and i had to get it down before i forgot it. my brain thinks faster than i type so i gotta type fast if i want to get my thoughts down.
9523572
I understand, there's quite a bit that remains to be said
(113k words left to post across 22 more chapters, -minus words cut in pre-edits + chapters yet to be written = I'm predicting a story that will easily max out over 300k words).
It definitely took a while to get to a very intriguing plot. Wonder why they were not as common... until I remembered that the Chinese did questionable stuff and pony support grew thin.
But nevertheless, I am not discounting the story told so far. This is like a cherry on top. A big one too.
9541122
I'll take that as a win,
Glad I've kept your attention. To be honest, from when I started writing this scene, to when I actually implemented it into the story I realized 'Man, there is a lot of writing between Point A and Point B,' but I couldn't imagine the Pegasus' reveal any other way.
The Pegasus makes an appearance for a darn good reason that I've yet to divulge, although I'm quite sure I hinted at it a few times before now.
By the time of the Great War happened, both Ponies and Changelings realized it wouldn't matter who wins, everyone was going to lose. The only drawback to being heavily undercover for Changelings is that they couldn't reliably receive information being passed down.
I joined the party late
9558409
It's never too late to join the party.
Hell ya
Never took Celestia for a communist, but it explains how changelings got on Earth
9665233
Equivalent to starlight perhaps(☉｡☉)!
Me: *walks up nonchalantly with wings sticking out my back* "God sent me to pick up your best gun. How much?"
Battle Of Five Armies: Fallout Edition.