So saucy!
Not for the first time that afternoon Keith cursed under his breath.
It was his own fault, really. He’d known that going for the cheaper flatpack option would have drawbacks, but he thought he might have been able to weather them, work around them. He had not suspected for a moment that the cheaper option would have come sans tools, lacking even the piddliest of Allen keys, leaving him to try and improvise his own from whatever he had to hand.
But that had happened, and what he had to hand was limited.
And so there he was, tightening screws with a butter knife. Like an animal.
“Serves me right, really…” he said to himself, reflecting on his poor life choices. Or, rather, his more recent poor life choices. There were lots to choose from but the older ones weren’t really relevant right then.
The sound of crunching drew his attention and he looked up, finding Chrysalis standing in the doorway watching him, wearing that old cable knit jumper of his she’d stolen, eating from a bag of crisps that he was fairly sure he’d hidden specifically so she wouldn’t eat them before he could share them with her.
Not hidden very well, apparently.
“What are you doing?” She asked, scattering crumbs across his carpet in the process. Not speaking while eating was something it seemed queens didn’t trouble themselves with.
“Putting together the display case. Like you asked me to,” Keith said, squatting amidst the half-finished bits and pieces. Chrysalis stared at him a moment.
“Oh yes,” she then said.
A pause. The crunching resumed briefly.
Then:
“Why are you always building furniture?” She asked.
Given what he’d just said the question seemed a bit redundant to him, but there were worse things in life than redundant questions. Things like, for example, crisp crumbs all over a carpet you hoovered yesterday, say.
Oh well.
“I am not always building furniture, I am occasionally building furniture. And here I’m building it because you said you wanted a place to put your collection of awards for queenly excellence,” he said, gesturing to the awards all neatly set to one side of the room, awaiting their new, loftier place of prominence, far superior to Chrysalis’s dusty windowsill where they had been living previously.
A few of these awards - most of them, if one were forced to be honest - she had made herself out of wire and tinfoil, but that did not reduce their prestige in her eyes one bit. What they lacked in production value they more than made up for in recognition of her immense talents, which was sort of the whole point of an award anyway.
“Oh, good. Yes. Yes, you should be doing that, yes,” she said, nodding happily and telekinetically reaching into the floating crisp packet only to find, to her consternation, that it was now empty. Frowning at this she then turned her frown to Keith, adding: “You haven’t got very far, have you?”
Keith sighed and again reflected on his life choices, this time his attention mostly on those choices that had led to Queen Chrysalis being in a position to stand in his doorway, wear his clothes and eat his crisps.
It was difficult to pick a specific moment in time or specific decision that had resulted in the adventure-filled series of events that led to her living here with him. Really it had been a combination of factors, many of them - in retrospect - outside his control.
So in many ways them ending up like this had been inevitable. Certainly, Chrysalis liked to say so.
(The adventures in question were, of course, a matter of public record for those members of the public of a mind to look for such things and therefore there is no need for the narrative to go into them again here. It’d just be covering old ground.)
These addventures were also the reason Keith no longer had access to his toolbox, as it had been lost in pulse-pounding circumstances. There’d been a precipice involved, and maybe a train or two heading at one another at high speed, one without brakes. There’d been a whole thing. Suffice to say, all very exciting.
Much more exciting than making a display case.
All of which brought Keith’s thoughts back to the problems at hand: fussy screws, a lack of tools to deal with these fussy screws and the pointy, pouting queen pouting pointily at him over his failure to deal with fussy screws (owing to the lack of tools).
“I just need something to put these screws in but…” he said, gesturing to the bits scattered about and meaning to continue but as he looked at her he trailed off.
Chrysalis really was quite pointy. Keith was familiar with her points, so to speak. Intimately familiar, in fact. He had personal experience with many of those ridges and gaps, but prior to this point he hadn’t ever considered their practical value - hadn’t even considered that they might have practical value.
His knife had proven very little use against all the screws he’d been having to deal with, what with so few of them being flathead for a start. He’d been bodging it, basically, working with something ill-suited to the task. Chrysalis, however? With her unique, jagged angles, clefts and crevices?
The more he stared, the most likely it seemed to work, and the less of a bad idea it felt like.
“Why are you looking at me like that?” Chrysalis asked. She wasn’t unused to Keith copping an eyeful (he was a man of particular tastes and had never been shy about this) and wasn’t opposed to it when it happened. There was something different about it this time, though.
Keith unfolded from his semi-squat on the floor and up to his full height.
“How would you like to help me finish this?” He asked, taking a step towards her. Chrysalis took a cautious step back.
“...what would I have to do?” She asked.
“Hold very, very still,” Keith said with a smile. The smile really undercut whatever reassurance he might have meant with his words. Chrysalis swallowed.
“...that’s...worrying…”
“Can you hold very, very still?” Keith asked, now looming over her.
“...yes?”
She saw no reason why she couldn’t, should the need arise. Keith’s smile widened, which made nothing better.
“I thought you might, talented lady like you. Now let’s just put the crisps now, this’ll only take a minute,” he said.
“The bag’s empty,” she said feebly.
“Even better then,” he said, plucking it from her magical grasp and setting it to one side before suddenly, manfully taking her in his arms. Chrysalis was quite shocked but bounced back quickly - in Keith’s arms was somewhere she had some experience of, and she typically knew what to expect once in them.
“Oh Keith! Right here?” She asked, fanning herself with a hoof as he juggled her about in his grip. “Next to the unfinished display case? In front of all my awards? How sensual!”
It took her a few moments to realise that what she’d had in mind was not what Keith had in mind. His face was set not in a look of determined lasciviousness (as it sometimes was) but rather in a look of determined DIYmanship. These were two very different looks, and Chrysalis knew which she preferred.
She also knew, in the way one knows the mind of one who you’ve had an adventure with, exactly what it was he had in mind and what it was he was going to do with her.
Her eyes widened and darted from Keith to the bits of the cabinet and then back again.
“Keith! Keith no! I am a queen, not a common tool to be used as you see fit!”
“Just hold still…”
Screwing followed, though not quite in the manner Chrysalis might initially have suspected or hoped for.
Given the lead up - and given the noises Chrysalis made while Keith set about finishing up the display case - anyone listening in without context would have been frightfully confused, possibly even concerned and rightly so. There was more than enough to lead to a few mistaken assumptions.
Lucky, then, that no-one had been listening.
Despite her protests Chrysalis did remain obligingly still throughout, and, true to his word, Keith managed to get the thing done and dusted in the space of a few minutes - amazing what one can achieve with the proper tools, really.
Once done he set Chrysalis back down onto her hooves, stepped back, put his hands on his hips and took a moment to admire the fruits of his labour. Chrysalis stood beside him and glowered.
“Now that is a fine looking display case. Sturdy as anything, too,” he said, giving the thing a mighty slap on the side and eliciting only a minor wobble which, given the cheapness of the thing, was pretty good going.
Chrysalis said nothing. She was too busy glowering at him.
“I cannot believe you did that. To me! With me!” She hissed, a good chunk of her annoyance bleeding away as Keith, without looking, reached and trailed a hand down her neck. He knew the right spots.
“Ours is a relationship built on mutual respect, cooperation, shared experiences and unnatural, sizzling-hot cross-species lust. Now, now that that’s done how about we quote-unquote ‘unwind’ right here, in front of all your awards and this now-finished displayed cabinet?” He asked, glancing down to see how his question might have landed and finding Chrysalis staring into middle-distance with lidded eyes, enjoying his trailing hand perhaps a bit too much.
When she noticed he was looking at her she snapped out of it, huffed, and turned her face away. Fair enough, really. She had just been used as a screwdriver, after all. Who’d be happy after that?
Keith felt it might be best to sweeten the deal.
“We can even do that thing with the holes, if you like,” he said.
She liked that thing with the holes. She remained looking away but those parts of her that could blush were now blushing.
“...make sure all the awards are facing the right way, first,” she said quietly.
Further screwing followed, though this time involving rather a different sort of wood.
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Man, I cannot get enough of your absolutely delightful style of writing.
I came into this wondering how he was going to convince her to turn herself into a screwdriver. This went even further as a display of masterfully lackadaisical improvisation.
10536239
You know, it entirely slipped my mind she could do that if she wanted to, probably. Huh. What a brainfart.
Now I'm picturing her turning into Megatron's gun form, for some reason.
This is a completely legitimate scenario. No questions need to be asked (none at all) the Swiss Army knife/changeling queen stock shall rise, all shall profit.
As always, hilarious perfection.
Fun fact: IKEA designed a shelter for the UN that could be fully assembled with just one tool, a “hammer”.
Man these puns are killing me!
In a good way
Also
Much faster way to assemble a cabinet
Use a screwdriver
Of the sonic variety
;)
Huh.
That's certainly something.
Always good to have such an "multitool" at hand.
Good story!
I enjoyed redaing it.
... I love it.
Hahaha. Awesome
Lol noice
10536242
Kinky
10537440
Someone's barrel's getting polished
IfyouknowwhatImsayin
Hm. Looks fairly interesting. I'll add this to my read later.
As I share the name of the human in this story, I heartily approve. Excellent story.
Needs a sex tag
Everything about this story, in pretty much every way, is just super amazing! I couldn't tell ya how many times I had a good laugh from this and the sauciness made it all even better! I hope ya didn't mind, but I simply HAD to make a reading of this saucy story of yours!
Audio Linky!~: https://youtu.be/ddNzpZbTG6k
(I don't mean to offend anyone with this comment in any way!)
10538289
That was fast!
I choose to believe that this is a Left 4 Dead crossover. (Note: Everything we know about Keith was pre-zombie, where he was basically the opposite of Paul Bunyan)
Yep. Definitely needs the PORN tag.
The one thing that keeps bugging me, no pun intended, is that he doesn't have any tools in the house. None. That's... just so hard to fathom. If there's one thing a guy would have in the house, it's tools and a flashlight. Ok, two things. Two things you'll always find in any house with a human male living there. A tool and a flashlight. Granted, it might be a rusty hammer or an oversized chipped flathead (used as a chisel by the previous rusty hammer) and one of those ancient flashlights with an actual bulb in it that can't compete with an angry lightning bug... but it's there!
You go to any guy's house and I guarantee you'll find at least a half dozen flashlights and a pile of tools heavy enough to stun an ox.
p.s. Awesome story, loads of laughs. Giving it three out of three mutant thumbs up.
Lol love it
I would also like to level screw and mount the queen of the changelings.
10539476
I own at least 4 hammers and 12 screwdrivers. This is deeply confusing to me as I have never *purchased* either a hammer or a screwdriver. Mallet yes, bit driver yes, sledge even. These are all things I have purchased, but never a hammer, never a screwdriver.
I have ultimately concluded that a sufficiently large accumulation of tools simply spawns the things.
I have purchased flashlights. Not my favorite though. Found that one on the ground.
Interesting idea. Attach a changeling to a carabiner and hang it on your belt as a good multi-tasker like an Equestrian army knife. I only got as far as envisioning her standing around the drinks cooler with a big pile of bottle caps around her legs.
I question how helpful a screwdriver that weighs double digits would be.
Amazing
Well, weird boner at the end say,"You did a great job"!
You magnificent bastard.
Lel, that was great.
The screwed man discovered a screwy screwdriver he could screw the screws with, and then screwed the screwdriver silly!
Now I know where Ellis got stories from his buddy Keith
10695297
I pointed this out too; ending up in another universe with a psychopathic ex-ruler crushing on him is just a regular day for that Keith.
I decided to read this at complete random, and I was immediately reminded why I love your delightful writing style, and its ability to turn any mundanity into something hilarious through the power of a fun narrator.
Hahahahahaha I get it
Building a display/cabinet with a screwdriver. If only he had a sonic one probably would have been even easier
10982597
Doesn't work on wood, sadly.
10982598
Really should have a setting for that. Otherwise it’s just plain embarrassing