Kulpa
Joined 8th Nov, 2016 ·
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Was good, is missing a short epilogue of scot eating cunt for the uptold time. ^^
I want a bonus chapter of Sweetie Belle and the professor. As good as the details are in your writing I want to see her earn that A. You're teasing me with that hint about her considering she's my favorite of the CMC's.
10054685
What if I told you, "That's in the works." 😁
10054640
Never say never, I've bounced the idea around... It could end up happening. ^^
10055087
Then I'm going to be waiting on the edge of my seat.
10055216
I’ll try my best not to disappoint!
So can't really see what the "double or nothing" title have to do with the story, or how this could be featured with this many nitpicks poking their head in the story. Clop needs a better flow than any other kind of story to be effective after all.
Nitpicks:
"let me get in on this bet" This sentence is lacking one of those " marks that I can't remember the name of
"she waddled on passed them as she made her way back out to the farm to finish her chores for the day," seems like you need a comma here, or are using a wrong tense... or that I ain't used to this part of the lovely English language
"Scootaloo gave Apple Bloom a look of disbelief" Need a period after this sentence.
"yanking Scootaloo over toward Big Mac." Linebreak mistake
" enjoying the pleasant, smooth, and salty taste of his cock." What, no taste of applejack?
"The scent of arousal and cuntjuces filled Scootaloo’s nostrils." juices
"You’re not coming up for air until Mac cums down your throat,” She said" no need to ever use "x said" unless you are gonna state a tone in the characters voice.
"With a vicious yank from Apple Bloom, Scootaloo was yanked off of Big Mac’s dick" Repetitions are never a good thing.
"Big Mac gave her sister a small smirk and a quick nod." Linebreak mistake... And if he is so known for his stamina, why was he soft right after Applejack?
"The overwhelming pleasure caught pegasus by surprise." missing a the
10055087
Would pay money for Scot beeing forced to give head basicly constandy. ^^
10055516
Honestly, I have no idea how my shit gets in there. I appreciated the heads up on the grammatical errors!
10055732
College is going to be a lot less stressful for Apple Bloom while Scoots is paying up on the bet, that's for sure! 😂
this bet." Sweetie
10056238
Man, I've been extra dumb on grammar for this one it seems. 😂 Thanks for the catch!
10055516
Try not to comment things like 'how did this get featured'. Not only can that be pretty danged rude ("this isn't good enough to be noticed" is pretty much the only meaning of the question), it's not something the author controls. There's a system in place, mostly traffic-based. If people like it, it will be featured. Regardless of 'nitpicks'.
Entries are not featured due to technical perfection or grading points of writing, but by the activity of the users. Which I prefer, helps prevent elitists taking over. I've seen so many complaints about how this or that story gets in the box while lamenting their own, certainly 'technically perfect' piece languishes unloved, but fairly uninspiring and/or dry all the same. It's all about the entertainment factor.
I hope we get one of sweetie belle staying after class next..
Could you do a bonus chapter of Sweetie Belle and her newly minted sexfriend?
10067464
It’s in the works! Unfortunately, I have no idea how long it will be until I finish it. With my new job I have maybe 1 days worth of free time to write, whereas before, I had 7.
Awesome story.
This is your official review from Dirty Little Secret's Dirty Little Contest!
Remember to vote in the contest's poll -- voting closes at midnight, June 6th.
And make sure to allow notifications from the contest group and/or follow Dirty Little Secret to get the full results and the awards show post on June 9th!
You can also check the current ranking, thanks to garatheauthor's unofficial ranking of the scores that have been publicized so far.
------ Review ------
Please keep in mind, I know I can be overly critical and negative at times. I can always find something to nitpick, even in the greatest works of literature ever written. Please don't take it personally!
-The opening scene's Sweetie Belle bits were kind of cute, getting caught and also about fucking the professor.
-
is that big.” Scootaloo whispered unconvinced-- incorrect dialog punctuation.-
waddled on passed them-- past.-I don't mind swearing, but it's done to excess in this story, much of it is gratuitous and doesn't add anything. In this story, it's making the story worse.
-Being anthro, it could make much better use of clothing.
-
his cum-blaster unleashed a tsunami of foal fluid-- sometimes it's possible to be a little too creative. (And anyway, if you’re going to go alliterative for ‘foal fluid’, why not ‘cum-cannon’?)-Last few paragraphs were a bit rushed.
-Could have focused on the orgasm more and spent some time on a cool-down.
-Really hot the way Apple Bloom helps Scootaloo.
------ Scores ------
To clarify what these scores mean, check my judging rubric.
Cloppability: 94/100
Allure: 80/100
Enticement: 75/100
Immersion: 75/100
Prose Quality: 70/100
Total Score: 394/500
The more specialized scores for individual prizes, as well as the results of the community poll, will be published when the full results are announced. If this story wins any awards, there will be another post in the story comments sometime after June 9th announcing that this story has won.
Thank you for participating, and thank you for contributing to Fimfic's collection of clop!
10253024
Thanks man, I appreciate you taking the time to critique my story! ^_^
You mean, hung like a horse?
Certainly not in Equestria....!
I don’t think that is a kink
I hope for more writing