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Coyote de La Mancha


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(They say that sometimes, to write something classically great, you should step back and write something that is classically not. Of course, in theory you’re not supposed to publish those exercises. Join me now, as I test that theory.)

Landing on the forbidden planet Equus-1, the away team of the star ship Enterprise discovers that one of their number has actually visited there once before... as the ship’s command crew is rocked by the revelation of Scootaloo’s true parentage.

Meanwhile, a space armada of pirate ninja weasels prepares for the invasion of Equestria on behalf of their dread Lord of Darkness. Their first target? Princess Celestia, of course.

Also, there’s Captain Kidd. Or perhaps Fidel Castro. Maybe P. T. Barnum? I haven’t decided yet.

Anyway. The point is, you’ve been warned.

(Continuity note: none of my timelines would accept this story.)

Chapters (4)
Comments ( 17 )

(Continuity note: none of my timelines would accept this story.)

The nature of the multiverse means that everything that can happen does. It just doesn't always do it anywhere sensible.

Throwing her arms out dramatically, she cried, ”Be brilliant, oh sun-butted one!

The world needs more irreverently melodramatic Luna.

“Yes, Highness,” the unicorn demurred, her bikini flashing in the morning sun.

I have several questions.

McCoy, meanwhile, had stepped up onto the pad. He glanced back at the security team, then faced forward again, shaking his head sadly.

“Poor bastards,” he said.

It's a poor doctor who can't detect a pattern.

“Agent DC-Marvel-Valiant-Defiant-Shooter-Kirby-Ditko reporting, My Lord.”

Ironically, Agent IDW wasn't even on Equus-1.

Given the description, I was hoping for a Scootaloo custody battle between Snap Shutter and Kirk. And by "custody battle," I of course mean "wrestling match." But this has already exceeded my expectations in every respect. Eagerly looking forward to more.

They, he corrected himself. They can handle it.

I rarely comment before I have read at least everything published.

But I have read exactly this far, and Kirk has gotten character development it took a few movies to achieve.

:straps in:

Ri2

...Oh my god, this is going to be great. Those poor redshirted bastards.

So, are those snippets at the end actually going to happen, or...?

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Some may, some may not. For the most part, I haven’t decided.

I will say, though, that if anything were to happen betwixt Ditsy Doo and another character, it wouldn’t ’t be just as part of one of Kirk’s escape schemes. I rather like the lady, and I think she deserves better than that. :moustache:

Ri2

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Plus, she's already taken by another dashing spacefarer.

Not that I condone it or anything, but...has Kirk slept with the hot alien catgirl? I'd be legitimately surprised if he hadn't.

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Plus, she's already taken by another dashing spacefarer.

Yes, that’s kind of become my headcanon, as well. I blame Sixes_and_Sevens. Though I have something slightly else in mind for her in my “serious” timelines. :scootangel:

...has Kirk slept with the hot alien catgirl? I'd be legitimately surprised if he hadn't.

I don’t know.

On the one hand, there is a great deal less stigma against sexual adventuring in their time.

On the other hand, I’d be reluctant to say yes without more character development for her first. She’s pretty cool, and I’d hate to accidentally paint her as a ‘just another’ anything.

And on a third hand, there’s an old filk song about Kirk’s daughter trying to find a husband on the Enterprise, and discovering to her dismay that all of them - even the guy made of sentient star gasses - is one of Kirk’s sons. And therefore kin to her, and off-limits. It ends with her going to her mom for advice. The last verse, to the best of my half-recollection, went something like this:

Now dry your eyes, my darling child, and comb your hair so blue
And listen as I say to you exactly what to do
No doubt Jim’s buggered every fem in the universe, but still
He’s not the crittur who sired you, so marry whom you will!

Granted, I never got the vibe that TOS Kirk got with Uhura or Chapel, so when it comes to bridge crew and those near command, he may have had a policy about dipping his pen in company ink*. This version, though, is closer to the version from the filk song. So, I’m undecided as of yet. 🐈


*Or maybe they just had better judgement than to say yes. Granted I’m not into males, but I never understood the appeal J.T.K. had for ladies of all species. Futuristic pheromones, maybe? I dunno.

Ri2

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Yes, that’s kind of become my headcanon, as well. I blame Sixes_and_Sevens. Though I have something slightly else in mind for her in my “serious” timelines. :scootangel:

Oh?

I don’t know.

On the one hand, there is a great deal less stigma against sexual adventuring in their time.

On the other hand, I’d be reluctant to say yes without more character development for her first. She’s pretty cool, and I’d hate to accidentally paint her as a ‘just another’ anything.

And on a third hand, there’s an old filk song about Kirk’s daughter trying to find a husband on the Enterprise, and discovering to her dismay that all of them - even the guy made of sentient star gasses - is one of Kirk’s sons. And therefore kin to her, and off-limits. It ends with her going to her mom for advice. The last verse, to the best of my half-recollection, went something like this:

Now dry your eyes, my darling child, and comb your hair so blue
And listen as I say to you exactly what to do
No doubt Jim’s buggered every fem in the universe, but still
He’s not the crittur who sired you, so marry whom you will!

Granted, I never got the vibe that TOS Kirk got with Uhura or Chapel, so when it comes to bridge crew and those near command, he may have had a policy about dipping his pen in company ink*. This version, though, is closer to the version from the filk song. So, I’m undecided as of yet. 🐈



*Or maybe they just had better judgement than to say yes. Granted I’m not into males, but I never understood the appeal J.T.K. had for ladies of all species. Futuristic pheromones, maybe? I dunno.

Dammit, Jim.

I DO hope they haven't, though. She deserves better than to be another fling. Meow.

*reads title*
*reads description*
*buys a 5th of gin*
*chugs 5th of gin*
*starts to read*

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Oh?

*nods* My first Doctor was Peter Cushing, from the old Dalek movies. So I will always have a special place in my heart for “Gran’pa Who.” :pinkiesmile:

I DO hope they haven't, though. She deserves better than to be another fling. Meow.

Heh. Yeah, I can dig it. I don’t have a problem with people / characters having casual flings if they’re into it, but for her I’m thinking probably not. It just doesn’t feel in character.

*finishes reading*
*smashes empty bottle of gin over head*
*curses as he's not dead*
*reaches for asprin as his head now hurts*
*toggles 'tracking' for story*

Agent D? Really? I'm terrified to find out who's playing B-Ko.

Ri2

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Plus, nobody deserves to be just another notch on Kirk's bedpost.

The years in space may have increased the crew’s optimism in such matters, but I find that my own patience dealing with bizarre planets taking hostages... has just about run out.

Watch out, folks. Uhura's genre savvy and sick of it.

:rainbowlaugh: They ended up stuck in customs. Do you have any evil monologues to declare?

“Miss? If y’don’t mind, they could sit next to me,” she offered, in a perfect aristocratic drawl. “Ah could show them the ropes.”

And weighing in at well over three hundred pounds, most of it muscle, it wasn’t like he generally had to anyway.

It's not his fault he's the biggest and the strongest. He doesn't even exercise!

And, from his throne of magic and power, surrounded by beautiful mares and with the Crystal Heart hovering by his side, Harry Mudd began to laugh...

:facehoof: At least they aren't programmed to love him this time...

This continues to be wonderfully surreal. Looking forward to more.

“It’s never easy, growing up between two worlds,” she said.
Spock nodded as well, his face impassive.
“Indeed.”

Well now. That's intriguing...

Ditzy Doo, in fact, possessed the highest degrees available in both physics and astronomy.

I approve wholeheartedly.

Including trains, air ships, and occasionally teleportation and tesseracts.

:trollestia: "All the basic options."

Then, spreading his arms out as if to encompass all the world, he cried out, “This is... FASCINATING!

Oh dear, you broke Bones.

He frowned slightly at the ballad unexpectedly drifting through his imagination. Who was Bilbo Baggins, anyway?

The greatest little hobbit of them all. Obviously.

I do love Apple Bloom's backstory. It's absurd enough to very nearly make sense. As opposed to Scootaloo's parentage, which is just delightfully absurd.

Looking forward to more, even if we don't get to see Sulu go mad with bloodlust.

His daughter shook her little head. “Mom always says democracy is for pirates.”

"Not that We have anything against pirates, but it's no way to anything larger than a flotilla."

I'm not sure what I love more, Celestia's mother or her history with McCoy's ancestors.

Nothing could spoil a day like today.
Nothing.

Oh, you sweet summer child...

Looking forward to more of the madness. I do like Chekov, but I wouldn't say no to Best Pony at the helm.

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