Don’t Kill U!
Princess Twilight Sparkle was pacing the floor of her castle. Her three alicorn elders sat around the map of Equestia and watched. After Princesses Celestia and Luna made the mistake of announcing their retirement, she had called a royal meeting in her castle.
Celestia and Cadence knew better than to say anything when Twilight was this frazzled. They had learned from experience that it was best to just remain silent until their opinion was asked for. Otherwise, they would either upset her even more, or they would be subject to a ‘Twilight Lecture’. The latter was worse, in most ponies’ opinion.
However, Luna had not seen Twilight act like this before, and she made one of the worst mistakes that anypony could have made at that particular moment. “What is the matter, Twilight? You’ve been pacing the floor for the last 15 minutes.”
“WHAT IS THE MATTER?!” Twilight yelled. “Did you really just ask me that?!”
“Twilight, you need to calm down.” As soon as Luna said this, her sister shot her a look that told her that she had made a horrible mistake.
“CALM DOWN?! You decided to leave a whole kingdom that gets invaded by a monster every other month to be run by 6 unexperienced mares?! Five of them are going to kick the bucket sometime in the next century! Then, it will just be me. One hundred and twenty five year old Twilight Sparkle, running a kingdom all by myself. Are there any other threats from one thousand years ago that you guys so conveniently failed to warn me about?! I’m gonna find out sooner or later, you know?! I’m going to learn of a creature that was ‘corrupted by evil forces’ and I’m going to have to donate my whole Saturday to fight it! Why are you guys retiring in the first place?!”
Celestia calmly stated, “Because we know you will do a good job running this nation.”
“Cut the crap, Princess. What’s the REAL reason?”
Celestia and Luna squirmed in their seats a little before the both screamed in unison, “KNIT WIT!”
“That stallion has stolen all of the sanity in my mind! I simply no longer have the brain cells to rule a country,” Celestia complained.
“Indeed. I haven’t seen such stupidity since the days when ponies thought that blessed rocks could cure fatal illnesses.” Luna said.
“Oh come on! I think you guys are over-exaggerating. There’s no way a pony like that exists in real life.” Twilight said in disbelief.
“Unfortunately, he does,” Cadence said as she laid down on the table. “He woke me up in the middle of the night a week ago. Just when I finally got Flurry to sleep, this guy shows up and tries to eat an irreplaceable crystal!”
“Okay, so what you guys are saying is that this one stallion is the reason why you guys are retiring.”
“Wait, I thought that you two had already met. Didn’t you talk to him a few days ago?” Celestia said.
“I don’t know. I remember talking to a stallion outside your courtroom, but the rest is a blank. I erased my encounter with him from my mind.”
“Darn!” Luna exclaimed. “Why didn’t we think of that!?”
“I’m not sure. But I have an idea.” Celestia said as she took out a scroll.
We, the Solar and Lunar princesses of Equestria, hereby decree that any action intended to hurt the pony ‘Knit Wit’, will be excused by the Royal Courts and the attacker will not be subjected to a trial.
Signed,
Princess Celestia of Equestia
“Your turn, Luna,” Celestia said with a smile.
“Sister, are you sure that this is legal?”
“Anything that we do is legal. Otherwise, you would have been put in jail a long time ago.”
“Fine. I kinda want to see him suffer.”
Princess Luna of Equestria
Lunar Branch
“Twilight’s going to be glad that we did this in a few hours. Shall I restore her memory?” Celestia asked with a small smile.
“Do it, Tia! Do it now!”
There was a bright flash of light as Celestia restored Twilight’s memory of Knit Wit. As soon as it was over, Twilight’s left eye began to twitch. She screamed as she broke one of her castle walls and flew through it as fast as she could to try and find Knit Wit.
“Come on, you guys,” Celestia whispered. “Let’s follow her, I have a feeling we’ll be in for a treat.”
After they left, Spike went into the room to see what all of the fuss was about. “Aw, come on! I just cleaned this place!”
“For the last time, sir, extra medium is not a drink size!” Berry Delight yelled at the white stallion in the front of the smoothie line. “Order something or get lost!”
“Can I get a salad cooked halfway please?” The white stallion asked.
“This is a smoothie stand! We don’t serve salad here! And did you just ask me to cook your salad?”
“Halfway, please.”
“Next!”
Just as the stallion was about to walk away, everyone in the area froze, noticing Twilight hovering over the town with her eyes glowing with raw power. “WHERE IS KNIT WIT?!”
The white stallion raised his hoof. “I’m Knit Wit, I think. I’m honestly not too sure. Do you know what my name is?”
Twilight scowled harder and struck the ground right beside Knit Wit with a bolt of magic. This was enough to scare most ponies in the area away. Just then, a butterfly flew right past Knit Wit. He started chasing after it. Twilight tried to strike him with magic multiple times as he ran, but Knit Wit somehow avoided all of the blasts. Finally, Twilight found a nearby jar and sealed the butterfly inside of it.
“Ooh! Can I see?” Knit Wit asked eagerly.
“No, you can’t SEE! You’ve driven Celestia into a drinking binge, annoyed the hell out of Luna, and you interrupted Cadence’s sleep! Worst of all, YOU’RE THE REASON I HAVE A WHOLE BUCKING KINGDOM TO GOVERN! I HAVE A LIFE TOO, YOU KNOW! I DON’T JUST SIT AROUND WAITING FOR OUR BELOVED SUN GODDESS TO DUMP ANOTHER PROBLEM ON ME! BECAUSE OF YOUR STUPIDITY, I NOW HAVE SO MUCH ON MY SCHEDULE I HARDLY HAVE TIME TO BREATHE! I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!”
“Why do you want to kill U? It’s my favorite letter of the alphabet?”
“What?”
“You said you wanted to kill U. That makes me sad because I like U. Please don’t kill it.”
“I’m not going to kill the letter U!”
“Oh. Okay. Why are you so mad then?”
“Because you—“ Twilight stopped speaking when she heard somepony chewing popcorn. She turned around and saw Celestia, Luna, and Cadence calmly eating popcorn and watching the whole scene unfold. “What are you guys doing?!”
“We’re getting a free show, duh.” Cadence said as she reached for more popcorn.
“I thought you guys were going to help me incinerate this guy!”
“Nope. Luna and I have retired. We are no longer are responsible for criminal justice in this country.”
“Fine. Cadence, can you lend me a hoof?”
“Oh, I would, but I’m just too tired. I had to fly all the way here.”
“We’re literally 500 feet from the castle!”
“I know! We flew so far!”
“Fine, I’ll murder him myself!” Twilight channeled all the energy she could into her horn. At this point, it wouldn’t matter if casting this spell meant that she could never use magic again. She just wanted this guy DEAD.
Knit Wit was beyond confused at this point. All he knew was that Twilight’s horn looked really cool. “Ooh, pretty!” he said in amazement.
As soon as he said this, Twilight stopped preparing to cast one of the most advanced spells she knew and simply plopped down on the ground. “I give up!”
“Boo!” Cadence yelled as she threw her popcorn onto the ground. “I want to see some powerful magic!”
“Then watch Celestia raise the sun! I’m not wasting my magic on this guy!” Twilight exclaimed.
“Actually, about that,” Celestia had a guilty look on her face. “The Sun and moon can rise on their own. Luna and I just pretend to raise it to make ourselves look more powerful.”
“What about that time that I raised the Sun and Moon myself?”
“Tirek stopped them from moving on their own that day. Somepony had to do it.”
“Bu-bu-but that can’t be true! You and Luna raise the Sun and moon. They can’t possibly raise on your own!”
“Why don’t you go do some tests and send me your results.” Celestia said. Twilight ran off to conduct a dozen experiments.
After she left, Cadence had a questioner her own to ask. “Is that true, Auntie? Do you just pretend to raise the Sun every day?”
“Of course not, but I’m curious to see what she comes up with.”
“As am I,” Luna agreed.
“Aren’t you guys concerned for her at all? What if she goes crazy again?!”
“Oh, trust me, she’s going to lose her marbles over this, and when she does, I’ll throw Knit Wit at her and watch her destroy him.”
Cadence looked at Luna, who looked just as eager about this plan as her sister. And after thinking about it for a moment, she gave in.
“I’ll find a window.”
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The difference between me and Twilight is that I would simply cut his throat open so I don't have to hear his stupidity.
You really need to write about his demise.
Anti-Vaxxers.
There is only one problem with this excuse; we clearly see purple smart lowering the moon and raising the sun in the season 4 finale
9644404
Think about what state of mind she’s in. Do you really expect her to remember that detail at this particular moment?
Knit has scrambled her mind beyond repair.
9644348
Faith healers (if god exists he wouldn't want me to spend $10,000 just so you can tell me exactly what my Priest does for free and get all handsy!) Homeopaths (water "remembers" the effects of medicine and recreates it more powerfully once you remove the medicine!), Voodoo healers (if all I need to do is believe for it to work what exactly are you even doing? I'm doing the work your just a glorified instruction manual!)
9644414
Yes
Damn death tease.
I wonder, would he become smarter if discorded, or even more stupid than normal? Now that's a mystery.
9644348
Shots fired. Yes, pun completely intended.
Meh.
9644572
I think we found the next one in the chain.........either that or knit wit is just discord being a troll
What do you know? Knit Wit's stupidity saved him. For now.
THE GOD OF STUPIDITY WILL RISE AND MAKE EQUESTRIA GREAT (or really really dumb) AGAIN!
9645169
na, discord finds this guy and looses his shit because he is neither chaos or fun, just stupid incarnate
Um, dude, you opened a door to a part 5. This series was a blast. Thanks for making this cringe feast.
i’m dying
How is this guy not in a hospital or other institution for the mentally disabled? This is something we need to know.
When Twilight gets angry, you know you done something you shouldn't have done!
There's actual dumb, then there's playing dumb.
10162998
Knit wit knows exactly what he's doing.
Celestia DID think of that, dear Luna. However, since the princess of the bucking sun and the prime ruler of an entire goddam country is not as magically powerful as a purple booknerd with wings, she did not know any memory spells and so decided to try and get rid of the memory via alcohol, which explains the very severe hangover she had
THERE IS SIMPLY NO END TO TROLLESTIA
OH MY GODS
can we have this story too please? Nit Wit needs to be EXTERMINATED for how much of a useless ground-pounder he is.
10162998
and then there's idiocy beyond reality and what should be possible. (a Nit Wit story.)
10846049
. I may publish it as a troll fic or in a blog post sometime this year. I'd like to wait for some sort of special occasion to do that though.
Well thanks for reminding me that this story existed
10846440
your welcome, do it whenever you wanna, XD
I only now found this and Cadance's story. And I freaking love this series!
10162998
and then there's "being born without a brain," XD
Bury the light deep within!
Cast aside, there's no coming home!
We're burning chaos in the wind!
Drifting in the ocean all alone!