- Member Since 5th Feb, 2019
- offline last seen 11 hours ago
The Cloptimist
do not mistake peace for quiet
The Cloptimist
Joined 5th Feb, 2019 ·
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Username briefly relevant again!
I'm still working on a bunch of other stories, but I keep getting distracted by contests! Anyway, I've never written anything like this before, so... yeah. Enjoy! I hope!
Oh heck. Going to give you an upvote simply for tackling Zephyr in any way, shape, or form.
9580281
Heh, thank you! He's hard to write - so much of him is driven by Ryan Beil's remarkable VA performance, rather than any readily-identifiable vocal tics I could use, so whether it works here or not relies pretty heavily on the reader's imagination. I did worry that having him featured, and just the premise itself, would probably crater this one's up/down ratio, but, well, I've never done anything like this before, and the contest sounded interesting...
I wonder if Zephyr locked in on Rainbow Dash so hard as another form of self-sabotage: it's clear he has no chance with her.
9581418
Mmm, that was something that was in the back of my mind here too. I wanted to try and show that, just as in his episode where he might be (subconsciously) deliberately messing things up career-wise because it was always easier to go back home to mooch off his parents and his sister, the same thing might apply to his relationships with mares, because it was always easier to make sure he messed things up, in the finest self-fulfilling prophecy style, and go back "home" to Fluttershy - and, you're right, what better way to essentially ensure that always happens than by nurturing an obsession with an obviously completely uninterested and unobtainable mare?
I also wanted to hint that even though Fluttershy's common sense and loyalty to Dash always win out, there was a part of her that still didn't like seeing him get shot down by her best friend so consistently, even if it was (a) his own fault, and (b) an inevitable outcome, because he wouldn't leave her alone after the first clear and unambiguous "no".
9583365
It can't be helpful that their parents are encouraging his crush on Rainbow Dash.
What you said makes perfect sense. Zephyr always had safe, nurturing, feminine Fluttershy to fall back on, so why not set his sights on her complete opposite? He'll never have a real shot at it anyway. Deep down, he probably knows it. Spike and Zephyr should talk about crushes some day, methinks. What they're doing isn't healthy for either of them, though Spike at least seems to be branching out.
Ironic that so many viewers think Zephyr is a lech and philanderer when he's only ever flirted with one particular girl, even when surrounded by half a dozen other beautiful mares (Fluttershy's other friends).
Now we need a good clopfic of Zephyr fucking Luna.
9599917
...Does that mean you thought this was good, too?
Anyway, that would be interesting. I have a whole story in production about Luna and her dreamworld abilities, because it struck me that ponies would have to work really hard to make sure they didn't dream about doing stuff like this, and it might be a lot of fun to write a clop side story. Maybe Luna would discover what Zephyr has done, or maybe just feel bad about "recruiting" him to fail, or simply decide she wants him for herself.
Contest judge. Some thoughts.
For the topmost piece of bread in the compliment sandwich, I'll say that the writing is generally good. Dialogue is pretty nice. I generally didn't think much of Zeph before this contest, but I've read a few stories featuring him which gave me more of an appreciation for him than before. I'm glad to see you take him on and do stuff with him.
There is an underlying issue I have with this fic though, and it's one I've seen repeated in many of the entries in the contest, and it relates to the use of flashbacks...
Why do we use a flashback? Usually it's to give some kind of important information the reader must know in order to understand and appreciate events occurring in the present narrative. So what does the flashback in this fic do? Well, basically that. It tries to tell us (emphasis on tell) how Zeph and Shy came together.
So here's the issue.. the story being told in the flashback sounded more interesting than what's happening in the present narrative. It sounded like a period of more drama and intrigue, and I feel that would have made for a better incest story, if not a better story in general. If you care to know more about why I value the drama in incest so much, I wrote a blog about it just recently which you can see on my profile.
Anyway, there's little technically wrong with you fic. I did like your other story a little more though. But don't take that as me being negative – no really, please don't, enough people already hate me as it is!
Keep at it.
9611726
I don't hate you, that was helpful and considered feedback, exactly what I entered this contest for in the first place!
A very enjoyable story. It hit all the targets for both eroticism and emotion.
9775820
Aw, thank you very much. This is slowly, and quietly, becoming one of my more popular stories, but very few people ever leave comments - so the kind words are very much appreciated!
9775972
Aw... Well let me be the one to say I really enjoyed your writing.This story was very thoughtful and it's not often we see the opposite end of the relationship, so to speak.
10633254
Thank you so much for saying so! This has become one of my more popular stories but (perhaps for obvious reasons) not many people comment!
I wanted to try a breakup story right from the start - I think the combination of that choice and it being a story starring Zephyr probably tanked this as far as the contest was concerned, but I thought it was an interesting angle to explore and I'm still quietly proud of it.
10633703
Contest shomtest.
It is an interesting and unique angle, and we really do need more of this pairing. The way you handled Fluttershy's role in this was also very accurate to her character.
Good stuff....they aren't stopping are they?
11022650
Thanks! I liked leaving that up to the reader's imagination, which is why I didn't write Fluttershy's reply.