• Member Since 2nd Mar, 2015
  • offline last seen 10 hours ago

A M Shark


The Shark is a mild fan of MLP who is writing an MLP version of a story she didn't like to see if she can do it "better" and wishes to share the results for critiques.

T
Source

This story is a sequel to The Ponies who Played with Fire


Warning: Some comments may contain spoilers

After being injured during the events of The Ponies who Played with Fire, a now-captive Discord is awaiting trial for murder, while Fluttershy and her small band of allies are facing possible enemies on every side in their desperate struggle both to clear Discord's name and avoid their own capture.

AU Fluttercord set eleven years after the first three seasons minus the Discord episodes. Inspired by Discord and Fluttershy's relationship both in the show and several fanfics (*cough* Bride of Discord *cough*) Based loosely on the plot from "The Girl who Kicked the Hornets' Nest" by Stieg Larsson. Rated T for some plot-related Murder Mystery Elements.

Edited by Nightwalker

Constructive Criticism is welcome.

Cover art belongs to me so please do not take without permission. Thank you.

Chapters (1)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 6 )

Alright, great first chapter! Very tense and dripping with atmosphere! Great to be back in this story!

Yes! New chapter! I love it!

OMG, it's finally here!:D Squeee like Rarity!:raritystarry: LolXD Oh boy, where do I begin? Um, let's see....let's start with...noooo! Just when I thought Fluttershy could accompany Discord to the hospital, no that sweet Fluttercord is taken away from meX'0! Haha lol but it's okay though, I know that they will be reunited either soon or eventually;) Especially since we have our certain good ole paper parrot on Discord's trial on Flutters^^ Good birdie^^ Lol! Oh man, I wasn't prepared for the action and fighting to start so soon when that changeling attack at the cottage occurred:0 Welp, that was quick0-0 Lol;) Le gasp, how dare you ponies drug Discord?!:0 Lol;) XD

Also, this quote:

"Didn't you hear? That's where they caught him. Apparently he was doing that routine he's been doing all over Equestria for the past year, turning that mountain chaotic from the inside out, before the Royal Sisters flew in and brought him back out burned, cuffed, unconscious, and with his head busted open." There was another pause before he continued. "And I shudder to think what sort of fight he was putting up if they had to resort to this sort of attack to stop him."

This quote is TOTALLY making Celestia and Luna very suspicious to me;) And as soon as I say that, Celestia and Luna in this story are like in my presence:

Haha lolXD
Yay we get to go back to the Tree HAB^^!
Good job on the first chapter Sharkie:) <3!

Loved the start, but poor Discord! :fluttercry:
I don’t know how to feel about the princesses: are they a red herring? Are we supposed to think they’re acting very suspicious? I think that’s what’s good about these kinds of stories. That tense mistrust of everyone because you don’t know if they are actually who they appear to be.
Can’t wait to see how this final instalment goes :twilightsmile:

9502073

9502101
Thank you and thank you.


9502270

noooo! Just when I thought Fluttershy could accompany Discord to the hospital, no that sweet Fluttercord is taken away from meX'0!

*sighs wistfully and shakes head* Oh, if it were only that simple.

Le gasp, how dare you ponies drug Discord?!:0 Lol;) XD

*Chuckles* Well, in their defense, he'd probably be in a lot of physical pain right now if they hadn't.

Also nice clip for Celestia and Luna. *Snickers*


9502498

I don’t know how to feel about the princesses: are they a red herring? Are we supposed to think they’re acting very suspicious?

*grins slyly* Possibly.

I think that’s what’s good about these kinds of stories. That tense mistrust of everyone because you don’t know if they are actually who they appear to be.

*Grins* Good to know since that's what I was going for, both for you readers, and for the characters actually in the story, experiencing it.

Thanks all of you for your comments. I'm currently hard at work on the next chapter and will have it up as soon as reasonably possible.

So in the first book, Discord and Fluttershy are together practically all the time, and we are happily bombarded with a thousand adorable moments between the two, even though a lot of them are also tragic.

The second book is a complete contrast, where they aren't together a lot and when they are, there's just angst all over the place.

So what's gonna go on with this third one, huh? Because so far, it ain't looking so good.

Which makes me sad, 'cause like... you know... I DON'T LIKE FEELING MY HEART RIP IN TWO BECAUSE MY OTP CAN'T SEEM TO FIND THEIR HAPPY PLACE! (And yet, the angst hurts so good...)

Hopefully Mache Max and Discord's tattoos will help those two out a bit... Though by the cover of the story, it seems that the two will eventually be doing some interrogation together. But by the looks of those chains on Discord, he won't be absolved from his crimes before then. Hmm...

Anyways...

Aah, Twilight, you clever ol' girl you! (Even though she's supposed to be younger than some of her friends, I believe.) I like the added touch of an invisibility spell where you have to stay very still or it wears off. It actually works well with the whole theory of camouflage/invisibility, too. After all, I chameleon changes colors to fit in with the background, but it works best if it doesn't move too, so predators don't catch the colors moving.

TO THE TREEHAB!

Now, a little nitpick from me. And again, this nitpick credits you as an excellent author in the long run, I'd say. I beg you to be careful with exclamation points. You tend to use them when something is supposed to surprise the reader in your stories (i.e., "Then a pony appeared right behind her!"). But the truth is, you're very good with suspense and catching the audience off-guard. You really don't need those exclamation points. Rather, choose your words in a way that indicates something surprising or suspenseful, so we can... Hmm, how do I put this? So we can feel the exclamation points ourselves, rather than having to see them. Let us react to your words and not the punctuation. I'm not sure if I'm being clear with this. It's similar to a piece of advice I used to get about my writing--"show, don't tell". It's almost like it lessens the dramatic tone to it. It does it my opinion, anyway. It gives it more of a comic book flair than a serious, dangerous situation where we aren't sure if the hero will prevail or not.

I don't know why I never brought this up before, but it's to my attention now. And please note that this is a tiny, tiiiiiiiiiny nitpick. You can keep writing the way you have been and it will not change my enjoyment of the story in the least. However, I do think that sometimes, the exclamation points take away the... the seriousness of the situation. Does that even make sense? Like I said, the comic book thing. Whoosh! Bam! Pow! Scenes like that are usually when the hero is beating the baddie up and the reader is just having a good time watching the hero win. Not when the protagonist is about to be walloped in the head with a tree branch and the poor thing's had a terrible day already.

(You can tell I've been rereading the first book, can't you?)

However, there ARE times when it is totally appropriate, to me. Especially when it comes to Discord. Such as in this scene, from this chapter:

Discord was scandalized. Granted he knew his mismatched appearance often unsettled ponies, and it always gave him a thrill of pleasure when it did, but that did not regulate him to the position of merely some oddball creature to be gaped at! He was the Spirit of Chaos and Disharmony for crying out loud! A little more respect was in order!

Those exclamation points are perfect! They are nods towards Discord's tendency to easily offended and to overdo things. It matches the mood, and even gives us a little bit of comedic relief (it does for me, at least).

Anyways, a great opening to what will most surely be another great book of your fanfic series. (And obviously the last.) It flowed nicely from the last book, too. I look forward to hearing about what happened with Dinky.

But I look forward the most to seeing how all of this wraps up, and how our characters will prevail through it all (because I'm hoping they do).

One last thing... You mentioned it in Book 2, I believe, when you implied that now Fluttershy won't be the one to 'kick the hornet's nest' because she lost her wings. That we have three possibilities left.

Listen, my good buddy, my dear friend, my fellow writer... You can't fool me. You be a sneaky, sneaky little writer. That's what you are. A sneaky, tricky little trickster who makes the reader think it's gonna play out one way, and then BAM. It all goes astray.

For all I know, this Pegasus could end up being Discord in a Pegasus disguise. It could be a paper mache Pegasus. It could be Fluttershy because she's a Pegasus at heart and the lack of wings mean nothing. Heck, it could even be RAINBOW DASH BECAUSE MAYBE SHE'S NOT DEAD AFTER ALL!!!!!!!!!!

All I'm saying is... I'm watching you, my sneaky friend. Watching you... :trixieshiftleft:

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!