• Member Since 7th Jan, 2019
  • offline last seen 1 hour ago

Leondude


Hello, Leon Davies here, also known as TheLeondude or just Leondude. Animator, professional voice actor, brony, autistic celebrity, Dark Lord of the Sith etc.

Sequels1

E

This story is a sequel to A series of unfortunate events that leads to another redeemed villain, yay!


After an old foe long thought to be dead makes a surprising return, and with Celestia, the Mane 6, and every royal guard fighting off an alien invasion, it is up to Luna and her band of reformed baddies to go up against this threat. Oh, and Captain Goodking (formerly The Storm King and The Magic King) tags along too because he thinks it will help with his superhero career.

Special thanks to AnnEldest for helping me with grammar and giving me good writing advice, and DmitriTheWriter for thinking up of the idea of the Seals Of The Planets and Kronos.

Chapters (18)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 8 )

If the Seals Of The Planets are not actual seals, I will demand my money back. :rainbowlaugh:

Okay, so there are a few things in this story that kind of bug me. Understand that this is not an attack against you or your work, just some things that I think you could improve upon to make the story better and more well-received.

redirect.viglink.com/?format=go&jsonp=vglnk_155046514286211&key=5229d68d9dbd9c51df83a3e2aa5d9234&libId=js9uta680102syag000MAmd05sz7b&subId=8982&loc=https%3A%2F%2Fwonkafonka.com%2F2013%2F05%2F22%2Fsigh%2F&v=1&out=https%3A%2F%2Fwonkafonka.files.wordpress.com%2F2013%2F05%2Fcalvin-hobbes.gif&ref=https%3A%2F%2Fwonkafonka.com%2Ftag%2Fcalvin-hobbes%2F&title=Sigh%E2%80%A6..%20%7C%20WONKAFONKA&txt=

The first thing that bugs me is the length of your chapters. Maybe this is just a me thing, but I think having chapters less than 1,000 words long makes you look kind of unprofessional. No offense. One way you can up your word count is to describe your settings in more elaborate detail to make the readers able to more easily visualize them in their heads. As they stand now, your scenes take place in vaguely defined nowhere-locations floating through the void. At least, that's how I see them.

The second is when characters are talking and they SUDDENLY START YELLING IN ALL-CAPS! It's just jarring to see that, especially in a context like this:

"THAT'S YOUR REAL NAME?! I WAS MAKING A JOKE ABOUT HOW YOUR MAGIC IS ALL OVER THE PLACE BECAUSE OF YOUR HORN! Or what's left of it."

This makes the Storm King sound like he's yelling at the top of his lungs, when in reality he'd probably only have a slightly raised voice, more appropriate for italics, or even just plain text. Also, you have Discord yelling. Discord's never struck me as the type of character to yell. Grumble loudly, maybe, but never yell.

Thirdly, you have a character (Discord) speak with parentheses in their dialogue. Just...what? Parentheses, I feel, only work in narration as aside comments or clarification. It's just weird to see them in dialogue.

Fourth and finally, you have internal thoughts represented with quotation marks (") just like dialogue. You don't want the readers confusing thoughts for spoken words, so it's best to have thoughts and dialogue be distinct, maybe by having thoughts be in italics.

Like I said, these are just some ways I feel this story can be improved. I'd like to see this story succeed and be good, especially since it has some of my ideas in it. Take care. :twilightsmile:

9463861
By amazing coincidence, the thought of the Seals Of The Planets actually being seals (maybe talking ones if I'm feeling adventurous) has actually crossed my mind long before I started writing this story.

"THAT'S YOUR REAL NAME?! I WAS MAKING A JOKE ABOUT HOW YOUR MAGIC IS ALL OVER THE PLACE BECAUSE OF YOUR HORN! Or what's left of it."

Actually, that was Sacanas saying that, as evidenced by Tempest trying to zap Sacanas after that comment.

Anyways, thanks for the constructive criticism and I'll see if I can try and be descriptive with the scenes (even though some of the scenes take place in places we've actually seen in the show so describing them felt redundant. :twilightblush:). I'll also try and limit the amount of times parentheses are used. After all, the only way for a sequel to succeed is to prove itself better than the original, otherwise, Star Wars and The Dark Knight Trilogy wouldn't be as memorable as they are now without The Empire Strikes Back and The Dark Knight. Also, I'm glad you like the story and, since I've got an editor on hand, to say this story will be a great improvement over the first one would be an understatement (even though I and a fair share of viewers who liked it didn't think the first story was that bad, but that just might be Critical Dissonance).

Breaking out of the time loop with the Seal of Mars? Odd, you'd think the Seal of Saturn would be more well suited for that. :rainbowlaugh:

Also:

It is said that those who have possession of all seven seals can have the power to rival that of an alicorn.

The power to rival one of the alicorns who get their flanks handed to them every season premiere/finale? Sounds like a ripoff to me.

"I collected seven artifacts of untold cosmic power and all I got was this lousy T-shirt."

9616721
Well, to be fair, the time-loops take place in some sort of dream realm that Sanies has trapped our heroes in. He's the only one that could free them (apart from Luna, who is currently fighting against Sanies' control). The reason why I picked the Seal of Mars is because I figured I'd have that particular seal feed off of conflict (and since Mars is the Roman god of war, I don't think I need to explain why the Seal of Mars/War feeds as much conflict as it creates). And what's a better conflict than by fighting in a war in a dream realm that could be reset.

The power to rival one of the alicorns who get their flanks handed to them every season premiere/finale? Sounds like a ripoff to me.

Yeah, in hindsight, I think it's ironic that Sanies/General Snake would say that considering he nearly beaten Celestia in the past and the only reason he was thrown in Tartarus the first time around was because he accidentally awakened Celestia's dark side for a brief moment. That being said, have you seen the amount of power Twilight had when she was fighting Tirek? Then again, that's with the power of four alicorns. Hmm, perhaps I should have made a comparison to a creature far more powerful than an alicorn.

So the Master, his companion, and Deadpool are going to zip across the cosmos in a clock looking for marine mammals? Truly, the plot thickens. :rainbowlaugh:

"If my tools have failed to find the seals, it appears I will have to do it myself."

Why do I get the feeling you're going to base your next story on Infinity War and Endgame just based off this line? :rainbowlaugh:

Also:

"No doddling. They do not call me a Time Turner because I waste time you know."

Dawdling*

9642679
Well, that's one way of putting it, but replace "his companion" with "Bray". But yeah, the plot does thicken.

Interestingly, no. It's more of a Doctor Whooves story/crossover with Star Wars: The Old Republic and XCOM 2 (the former of which is more in focus because I have yet to play XCOM 2). In fact, I started writing the next story before I actually saw Infinity War. That said, I suppose I could add elements in there later on, depending on how the story goes.

Also, thanks for correcting me. Just got around to fixing that spelling error.

9642803
Okay, because Kronos deciding to get the Seals himself just really reminded me of Thanos' post-credits scene from Age Of Ultron.

9642898
Interestingly, that reference to Age of Ultron was intentional. And not only that, but the bit with Kronos turning his head towards Mercenary/Dead Poop and smiling at him was a reference to the post-credits scene in the first Avengers film where Thanos turns his head and smiles towards one of his servants when the servant in question says "to challenge them is to court death". Here's the scene for reference:

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!