• Member Since 15th Dec, 2018
  • offline last seen Apr 20th, 2019


Comments ( 21 )
Comment posted by DitzysMaster deleted Dec 16th, 2018

There is a lot of spelling mistakes and the story has quite a bit of dialogue that feels like it could be cut down. This could be a troll fic, but I don't know that for sure. Anyway, I didn't really like it all that much and couldn't take it seriously. Have a good day though.

I appreciate the feedback! I went through and tried to fix a lot of spelling errors (Way more than I thought there was), hopefully the next chapters will be a little better. This is my first time writting a story so I'm not to familier with how the dialogue is suppose to be but hopefully after some more writting and being able to find a good editor, I will be able to write alot less amature in the near future.

Dun dun duuuuuun!

Let me offer some presentation advice for your story page...

Separate the summary/initial description and put that first. Warnings, Author Notes and any non-story background is best placed after, as some people don't care to do more than glance to see if the story might interest them.

You have to keep in mind that the Short Description and main page description are your initial impression on potential readers. Poor format and basic errors, like you have, suggest the story itself will be full of the same.

Take time to study how your favorite authors construct sentences, paragraphs, concepts and scenes. Pay attention to grammatical arrangement and, if you never learned much in such regard, at least review some parts of FiMfiction's own Writing Guide. I have used it myself and it will help you avoid most errors and improve your writing.

Above all, speaking from personal experience, keep at it. If you keep going, and genuinely try to improve, experience will build up your skill quite a lot over time.

Thank you so much for the helpful advice! I tried to sharpen the description up a little bit and hope it is a lot better than before, I also got rid of/fixed the authors notes, and will be reading over the writting guide over the holiday.

Great googly moogly, that looks a lot better already. I know what kind of story you're trying to present much more easily now.

Just remember, through perseverance and experience, skill will come to you. :twilightsmile:

Really like where the story is going also wondering what he's going to do with her husband

Personally I hope he kills him or something like that.


Being dominant is all about ordering and rewarding
I like how this is going
Jejeje that stallion will not remain as such for much longer

I've had this on my read it later for a while now and I'm upset that I waited so long to read it as it is just my kind of story. I'm very much looking forward to the next chapter.

That's hot. I really hope human will dominate Chrysalis hard, she was the Queen for too long. Time for her to become someone's bitch.

First impressions: This guy is a dangerous psychopath who needs to be put down. The second person omniscient perspective makes this more bothersome than it would otherwise be, as well as being a rather strange perspective in the first place.

Uh-oh, I think Chrissy's in trouble...

I wondered when this would update again...

I can say this is the most deeply conflicting story to read. The guy is clearly a sociopath at best , psychopath at worse. And yet while I hate the rape and force sex you have him commit, the kindness he shows and honesty of his intentions somehow stop me from hating him.

I’m probably making a bookshelf just for this story it will be titled ‘Conflicting Emotions’ because I just can’t make up how I feel about this.

this fic is horrible, but hilarious. :pinkiecrazy:

Pretty great story so far, was a bit skeptical at first but turned out better than thought. Keep up the great work

Comment posted by Betsuni deleted Aug 4th, 2019

"Ah! U-Um... Ah.. We... Mmmm I got it! Hold onto me!" Sunset said and before the other stallion could even say another word, Sunset would grab his hoof and teleport them to another location.

How come it says Sunset in this paragraf?

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