• Member Since 20th Jan, 2018
  • offline last seen 42 minutes ago

AntiBronyBenSwolo


I might as well be the only Anti-Brony here. Anyway, I also like Star Wars :P

T
Source

After meeting a strange colt, Fluttershy managed to unlock a deep mystery about herself. Meanwhile, Equestria is at war with every other universe containing humans.

EDIT: This was supposed to be ALL known stories involving this character, but I couldn't continue it, so it's just gonna be these 5 chapters.

Chapters (5)
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Comments ( 14 )

8718931
Yes I like star wars I'm a Biggest fan

8718995
As am I, my fellow "Star Wars" fan :)

Well, that was...interesting.

To be honest, I didn't really like it and I didn't think it was very good. But let's start with the positives.

The most major one is that most characters are in character, or at least, they sound like their show characters. Except for Twilight and Celestia, and they were out of character because of their dislike of Ghostbuster. Sure, there was a conflict with the Jedi, but I can't see these as Twilight and Celestia.

The pacing seemed fine except for a bit that I'll get to later, and the overall story was fine aside from the out-of-character-ness I mentioned.

But this story isn't perfect, like I mentioned. There's a bit to unpack.

Like I mentioned, Twilight and Celestia were out of character to the point of it being distracting, and that's not a good thing; it takes readers out of the story.

The pacing in the beginning of the story was extremely awkward. It was obvious you were trying to reference the opening crawl from the Star Wars films, but it just devolved into the main story. And I say devolved in the worst way––it became too bland and detailed, if that makes sense. It kind of took me out of the story since it was explaining exactly what was happening, going into character dialogue, and there wasn't a clear transition to the main story. You're meant to have the crawl be a summary of what has happened recently and introduce us to the story. It ends with the "....", and after that, you can begin the story proper. I'd put the line thing in between (it looks like


on the page and is between numbered list and link in the toolbar).

The original characters' names were way too distracting. They don't sound like Star Wars names or, in some cases, names that will roll off the tongue.

I've noticed colored text, and that's generally a terrible idea. I assume it's to emphasize the importance of those characters, but it's just distracting. I'd recommend never using colored text in a story except in very specific circumstances.

And lastly, it's mechanically a mess. Speakers should have their own paragraphs, for instance, and there's a lot of grammar and spelling mistakes. It makes it a bit of a chore to read. I'd recommend reading this guide before writing much more. It's pretty long but it provides a lot of useful information. It's split up into sections so you can look up what you need work on the most. I'd point it out myself but it would take forever, and I unfortunately don't have forever.

Personally, I'm not interested in the story anymore, but you can make it something special. I'd highly recommend going through the chapters already published and at least fixing the mechanical stuff. You should probably also get an editor; there are groups for it so it should be pretty easy.

Good luck on your future writings!

8819404
Thanks for the feedback anyway. I really appreciate it.
For the record, I completely agree as to Twilight and Celestia being a bit out of character.
And yes, I could use an editor :P

8819413
Yeah, no problem. I know lots of people are happy to edit, so like I said, it should be good. I’d offer to do it myself but I’m a bit busy lately. Still, good luck.

8819404

You're meant to have the crawl be a summary of what has happened recently and introduce us to the story. It ends with the "....", and after that, you can begin the story proper. I'd put the line thing in between (it looks like


on the page and is between numbered list and link in the toolbar).

And I did just that :D

8819476
Cool. Didn’t know if you knew about it is all.

8819478
I actually didn't think about it until you told me. The power of constructive criticism :D

I think you have a lot of great ideas in this story. The names need a little help for sure. But that's okay. Names are something that can always be changed later.

With this story you might challenge yourself to do a rewrite. It is okay the way it is, but it sounds like you have a lot of new ideas you also want to incorporate into the story that might not fit with the way it is now.

That's okay! It is part of the writing process.

Just work on taking this draft and thinking about how you can write it from the beginning so your new ideas fit into the story. Whatever doesn't fit with your new concept, just cut it out and add new parts to make the story flow.

Don't give up on the story! Keep on adding to it until you get what you want out of the narrative. :)

8838712
Thank you for the feedback. I appreciate the idea.

8839407 You are very welcome, my friend. I hope that my advice can help.

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