Spark of War: Part 5
"SuperFolder Ghostbuster, come in. Do you repeat, this is Darkdragon. Come in darn it!" Darkdragon yelled as he tried to contact Ghostbuster once more. His rage bested him as he slammed his wrist on the giant blue supercomputer that lay in front of him, almost destroying the keyboard in the process. Just then, a blue goop gushed and spilled through the ventilation system, and rebuilt itself in the form of a humanoid with big, white, triangular eyes.
"You think Ghostbuster's been compromised?" The living goo asked Darkdragon "If so, I'll gladly go in after him." it proposed to him. Darkdragon calmed down and put his hand on the goo, which had solidified to feel like flesh and cloth rather than a fluid.
"We can't go for a rescue mission after him because he has the remote, Symbiote. We can only hope for the best." Darkdragon replied to Symbiote. Just then, a big flying cow with a glowing green ring came flying in.
"Guys, get XQ3D and Count Zora! We're under attack!" The cow announced. Darkdragon and Symbiote stared at the cow, then at each other. Did they really make enemies this quickly? Ghostbuster's only out on one of their first missions ever and now they're at war?
"I'll deal with it Cow Lantern." Darkdragon assured his bovine friend as he grabbed an intercom from his giant computer. "Calling all Pretty Brainless Businessmen members! This is Darkdragon! Code Red! I repeat, Code Red! We are under attack! Take evasive positions and prepare for battle!" he said into the intercom, which rang out to all 6 of the available PBB members at the time.
Just then, Darkdragon leaped onto a platform and descended into a chamber that got him suited up in a bat-like outfit. By the time he was finished, XQ3D and Count Zora were present with the other 3. XQ3D grabbed and old looking broom and flew off out of the cave where they currently resided, followed by Cow Lantern. Then Count Zora and Symbiote exited the cave on foot, and Darkdragon mounted on his bat-wing, and flew off into the sky. However, they were not prepared for what they were up against. Ponies had managed to steal the Businessmen's tech and start an invasion.
"You think these guys have anything to do with Ghostbuster's disappearance?" XQ3D asked Darkdragon through their radios.
"There's only one way to find out." Darkdragon responded, as he pressed a button in his plane, launching missiles at incoming wonder bolts. The missile knocked several of the invaders out of the sky, but there were still more attackers.
"They're still coming!" Symbiote shouted as several pony soldiers poured out of the green portal. They weren't sure if they could successfully fight off the attack. Symbiote, out of instinct, jumped into the portal through tens on hundreds of ponies to search for Ghostbuster.
"I'm not sure if my ring has enough juice guys!" Cow Lantern explained, as he created a glowing green fishnet, and temporarily stopped the horde.
"Blast it Ghostbuster, where are you?" Darkdragon murmured to himself. They weren't a complete team without him.
Meanwhile, across the portal, Fluttershy knew she was too late to stop Twilight and Princess Celestia from freezing SuperFolder Ghostbuster in carbonite, and decided it would be best to say her final goodbyes to him before she left him. She saw the guards take the big gray block out back into a storage room hidden behind a big purple curtain, and followed them closely so she doesn't get spotted. Once the guards left, she finally floated over to the Jedi and decided to say to him what was on her mind.
"Ghostbuster, I don't believe you can hear me, but I just wanted to let you know I'm sorry." Fluttershy said to him, as a small blue and white tear fell down her face.
"If you told me the truth earlier, I would have been more than happy to keep it a secret, but now..." Fluttershy continued before tearing up. She let out a few quiet sobs. Her sadness and guilt of failing Ghostbuster as a friend was matched only by her rage against Celestia.
"I'm sorry. For all of this. I don't expect you to forgive me, but I think this will make up for it." Fluttershy said, as she floated over and let a little kiss on Ghostbuster's frozen cheek. She left the storage room to return to her cottage, as she thought that would be it. However, a small yellow glow came from that kiss Ghostbuster was given.
A miracle! He's Thawing! the yellow glow spread across the grey metal turning Red, revealing Ghostbuster's orange coat, and soon enough, he was free! Ghostbuster got back on his four hooves and tried to examine the environment around him to see where he was. If he could see now, that is.
"Ghostbuster, come in!" Darkdragon said from across the portal and into Ghostbuster's watch.
"Darkdragon! Thank goodness you're here." Ghostbuster said, as he stumbled across the dark room blindly looking for his helmet and lightsaber.
"Where the heck have you been? We're in a middle of a fight! We need you!" XQ3D yelled, catching Ghostbuster off guard, causing him to fall over.
"OK, guys, I was just taken prisoner, and now I'm breaking out. I just need to find my stuff and get out. Once I get my stuff, I need you to be my eyes." Ghostbuster suggested.
"Why would you need that?" Darkdragon asked. It was an odd thing to suggest after all.
"OK, basically I'm temporarily blind. Could someone lend a hand please?" Ghostbuster explained and asked. Suddenly, Ghostbuster stepped in a warm, yet cold liquid. The liquid climbed up all over Ghostbuster's body, forming a suit.
"Say no more, old friend." Symbiote said, concealing Ghostbuster's identity. Just then, a couple of Royal Guards, marched in and attempted to arrest the two heroes.
"Freeze! You're under arrest, by order of--" The guards attempted to say before being tied up by a spider web summoned by Symbiote.
"How'd you get in here by any chance?" Ghostbuster asked, with his body being controlled by his little blue friend. Symbiote, with Ghostbuster's body, quickly grabbed Ghostbuster's lightsaber and Mandalorian helmet and made a run back to the portal.
"Long story." Symbiote responded, as they climbed across the walls undetected, stole the portal technology back, and made it back through the portal before it closed off the invading ponies from the target. As the final waves of ponies were shocked to see the portal close, Symbiote and Ghostbuster lunged down into the ocean, but landed on the incoming Batwing.
"Good to have you back, Master Jedi." Darkdragon said, with Cow Lantern, XQ3D, and Count Zora cheering along. The fight wasn't over yet, as pony attackers were still invading.
"Any idea how to put these ponies back where they belong?" Ghostbuster asked Darkdragon.
"Uh, yeah." Darkdragon said, as he shot down pony after pony with rubber bullets. "We need to round them up, and then throw them in a portal." The plan was heard by the team, as everyone got their game faces.
"I learned that they're not that smart, so we could lay some traps." Ghostbuster suggested, while Symbiote controlled his arms to spew webbing at an incoming pegasus.
"I volunteer to be bait" Count Zora said, followed by XQ3D and Darkdragon.
"I'll spring the trap once they're all in one place" Cow Lantern volunteered as his ring glowed a fiery green.
"And we'll return to sender." Symbiote said, swinging himself and Ghostbuster onto land, fighting off incoming ponies.
"Any objections?" Ghostbuster asked, before the team went silent for 5 seconds. Ghostbuster sighed and continued "Good. May the Force be with us." Ghostbuster said, finishing the plan.
Darkdragon landed his batwing back onto the ground and made his way to where XQ3D and Count Zora were. The three of them fought valiantly together, as XQ3D pointed a wand in the air, that shot a tremendous bolt of orange and violet energy into the sky, gathering the attention of all the attacking ponies. Like moths to a flame, all the ponies gathered to fight whoever cast the bolt of mysterious magic, and found the Count, the Wizard, and the Bat all gathered together, ready to fight. Then, when they weren't looking, they heard Cow Lantern's voice in the sky, as he injected his ring into a green battery, and chanted.
"In brightest day, in blackest night, no evil shall escape my sight. Let those who worship evil's might, beware my power, GREEN LANTERN'S LIGHT!" Cow Lantern shouted, as a bright green energy surrounded all the ponies and encased them all in a giant bubble of willpower. Another green energy, not one of Green Lantern, but of the portal technology in the hands of SuperFolder and Symbiote, opened up underneath the bubble, as it slowly descended into the portal. As the portal closed, the bubble was no more, and the Pretty Brainless Businessmen have won their first major victory.
As the Businessmen were celebrating, Ghostbuster, with his eyesight returning shortly after the battle, had a moment to reflect on what he had just done. Not just to his team, but to the friends he could have made.
"Hey, you OK?" Symbiote asked his Jedi friend. The rest of the team just stared at him, as they too shared the same concern. Ghostbuster just let out a sigh.
"To be honest, I don't feel good. I do have lots of explaining to do, but for now, we may have one this fight, but our new war with Equestria is not over." Ghostbuster announced, as he saw his team prepping up for another battle. He thought he had brought fear to his friends, but instead, he saw hope.
"If we're now at war, what's our next step?" Darkdragon asked, as they showed they will not let each other down, and that hope brought a small smile to Ghostbuster's face.
Meanwhile, in a universe that is not Equestria or in PBB control, a girl with pink skin and clothing was sitting in a dark room dimly lit, but stood up. A pink pendant on her neck glowed as it summoned a dueling stick for the girl to hold. Just then, a group of smaller red girl with punching gloves charged at her, but the ping girl was ready, as she blocked every punch, and swung her dueling weapon across her arena, defeating her opponents once at a time.
Once the red opponents have been defeated, the pink girl heard clapping coming from a giant blue woman.
"Very good. Prepare the next exercise Star Ruby. We have lots of work to do." The blue woman spoke to Star Ruby, as her weapon disappeared.
"Very well, my diamond." Star Ruby said, as she exited the dark room.
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- DanishDash · 58k words · 234 13 · 7.7k views
- ZR_Stein · 4.7k words · 64 2 · 3.1k views
- Omega6047 · 100k words · 171 16 · 5.8k views
- The Phantom Joker · 14k words · 82 13 · 2.9k views
- TheIronPone035 · 86k words · 411 25 · 9.1k views
- Escalator · 19k words · 16 2 · 531 views
- currentlemon · 254k words · 173 9 · 2.8k views
- WesFox134 · 9.4k words · 276 21 · 5.1k views
Stats
Page generated in 0.071 seconds
Total duration
776 users online
1,156,269 hits today, 2,054,621 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Well, that was...interesting.
To be honest, I didn't really like it and I didn't think it was very good. But let's start with the positives.
The most major one is that most characters are in character, or at least, they sound like their show characters. Except for Twilight and Celestia, and they were out of character because of their dislike of Ghostbuster. Sure, there was a conflict with the Jedi, but I can't see these as Twilight and Celestia.
The pacing seemed fine except for a bit that I'll get to later, and the overall story was fine aside from the out-of-character-ness I mentioned.
But this story isn't perfect, like I mentioned. There's a bit to unpack.
Like I mentioned, Twilight and Celestia were out of character to the point of it being distracting, and that's not a good thing; it takes readers out of the story.
The pacing in the beginning of the story was extremely awkward. It was obvious you were trying to reference the opening crawl from the Star Wars films, but it just devolved into the main story. And I say devolved in the worst way––it became too bland and detailed, if that makes sense. It kind of took me out of the story since it was explaining exactly what was happening, going into character dialogue, and there wasn't a clear transition to the main story. You're meant to have the crawl be a summary of what has happened recently and introduce us to the story. It ends with the "....", and after that, you can begin the story proper. I'd put the line thing in between (it looks like
on the page and is between numbered list and link in the toolbar).
The original characters' names were way too distracting. They don't sound like Star Wars names or, in some cases, names that will roll off the tongue.
I've noticed colored text, and that's generally a terrible idea. I assume it's to emphasize the importance of those characters, but it's just distracting. I'd recommend never using colored text in a story except in very specific circumstances.
And lastly, it's mechanically a mess. Speakers should have their own paragraphs, for instance, and there's a lot of grammar and spelling mistakes. It makes it a bit of a chore to read. I'd recommend reading this guide before writing much more. It's pretty long but it provides a lot of useful information. It's split up into sections so you can look up what you need work on the most. I'd point it out myself but it would take forever, and I unfortunately don't have forever.
Personally, I'm not interested in the story anymore, but you can make it something special. I'd highly recommend going through the chapters already published and at least fixing the mechanical stuff. You should probably also get an editor; there are groups for it so it should be pretty easy.
Good luck on your future writings!
8819404
Thanks for the feedback anyway. I really appreciate it.
For the record, I completely agree as to Twilight and Celestia being a bit out of character.
And yes, I could use an editor :P
8819413
Yeah, no problem. I know lots of people are happy to edit, so like I said, it should be good. I’d offer to do it myself but I’m a bit busy lately. Still, good luck.
8819404
And I did just that :D
8819476
Cool. Didn’t know if you knew about it is all.
8819478
I actually didn't think about it until you told me. The power of constructive criticism :D
I think you have a lot of great ideas in this story. The names need a little help for sure. But that's okay. Names are something that can always be changed later.
With this story you might challenge yourself to do a rewrite. It is okay the way it is, but it sounds like you have a lot of new ideas you also want to incorporate into the story that might not fit with the way it is now.
That's okay! It is part of the writing process.
Just work on taking this draft and thinking about how you can write it from the beginning so your new ideas fit into the story. Whatever doesn't fit with your new concept, just cut it out and add new parts to make the story flow.
Don't give up on the story! Keep on adding to it until you get what you want out of the narrative. :)
8838712
Thank you for the feedback. I appreciate the idea.
8839407 You are very welcome, my friend. I hope that my advice can help.