• Member Since 17th Apr, 2017
  • offline last seen October 27th


Oh. Five years?

Comments ( 9 )

Oh damn this is actually really really good!

A little heavy on the italics, but other than that god damn this was good.

Nice! I really liked this story!

As I'm also "joining the Tempest fan club", I decided to read up on others portraying her as well. This is a phenomenal look at the struggles she may have gone through when she was a young filly. Spoilers ahead.

Your introduction was spot-on. Besides maybe some indenting to give more emphasis to, "She’d made a terrible mistake." and the likely better "She made a terrible mistake" instead of the awkward "She'd", it was absolutely awesome. You have a firm grasp on the importance of opening lines, and did a very good job at hooking the reader's interest in and lulling them into this incredible world you created.

Another thing that I'd like to commend you for are the plot twists. The 'Other', the spark from her horn, the death of Spring Forward, all within the first chapter like, wow. This not only sets up the world as a real, dangerous, and unforgiving place, but it also establishes the foundation of Tempest's personality and the mindset she needs to survive. One of my favorite scenes is when she constantly keeps hurting herself with her broken horn, but slowly and surely becomes adjusted and content with the pain. It's like watching a blacksmith forge a sword; it becomes quite hot and painful, but it's shaping her to be stronger and more capable at the same time.

That said, it isn't perfect. I feel like the death of Spring Forward could've doubled as an initial conflict. Having that death be the beginning of the unwinding yarn ball that is Tempest could've really been a powerful first step in the first chapter. If something stuck with Tempest, either the sight of her head, the sound of her voice, a smile, that later resonates further into the story, it would enhance the quality of this by tenfold.

The problem I feel with survivor-esque characters is over-apathy. The character experiences so much hurt and pain that they become numb to the events of the story or the plot. If the character is too numb, despite how powerful or heartbreaking the emotional rollercoaster of the plot is, the character will just shrug it off, and the event will have zero impact upon them. This leads to a flat character arc, and eventually, a flat, two-dimensional character.

I fear Tempest is teetering on the edge of over-apathy. In-order to avoid this, you can have her be numb and overbearing of pain and suffering, but you also have to keep her changing. She needs to be impacted by the events of the story, instead of just shrugging it off or saying 'meh' before progressing onto the next story event. A good example of a survivor-esque character is Katniss from the Hunger Games. She is capable of bearing pain and suffering, having living in a poor environment and oppressed under the government so long, it's become natural for her. She still has a dynamic character arc however, still experiences emotions despite being strong and capable.

When your character experiences emotion, it makes it much easier for your reader to empathize and feel those emotions as well.

Something feasible you could give Tempest after Spring Forward's death is a fear of fire. She's still strong, still capable and surviving in the harsh landscape she's in. But she's different, she's changing. The experiences and events she's going through is still shaping and molding who she is, and that is incredibly engaging and fun to read and follow. Perhaps you could even haunt her with Spring's voice when she sees fire, or flash a memory of her face, or her smile. Perhaps her aversion to fire gets her in deeper trouble later in the story, such as avoiding a campfire and nearly freezing to death because of it.

You've painted the broad strokes very, very well. I feel like these minor details are going to be incredibly important for you moving forward.

Tl;dr: Phenomenal take on the struggles and challenges Tempest experienced as a filly. Great introduction, incredible plot twists, all within the first chapter. Be aware of over-apathy however, as if Tempest doesn't experience change or emotion, your reader won't either.

Thanks for the read!

Thanks! I'll keep those suggestions in mind, and try especially hard to stay away from any over-apathy in future writing.

No problem!

Of course, these are all my opinion, so take that as you will. At the same time, I highly suggest looking at your work with these sets of lenses, and see if you could find any improvements with them.

In addition. This just came to mind. I don't think your writing suffers heavily from this, but just as a general note. Try to keep your writing as short and concise as possible, while also conveying enough detail to paint the scene. If you can take out a word or two from a sentence and still have the same meaning, it's usually a good idea to do so.

Will be patiently awaiting your next installment!

Gotcha, be concise. I'm always looking to improve.

I'm a bit low on story ideas now, but I'll try to have something else out within a week. :)

Finally! A good story about tempest without shipping! Seriously, i get why there so much shipping, but why are there not more stories like this one?

I read this ages ago and meant to review back then!
This was a very well done fic-it deserves so much more love, it's really quite good.
It's such a fascinating look into her past and very believable considering all we've seen of her. I loved the concept of the 'Other' and the ending was so tragic- we really got to care for both of them in the story.
I also liked your writing style, even if it made the story a bit halting at times, I saw what you were going for and it had a good effect.
Very nice :raritywink:

This review is brought to you on behalf of the group:Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: Severed
Grammar score out of 10: 10
Pros (list three pros):
The story is cool.
Nice way for bringing Tempest Shadow with the Storm King.
I like Tempest!
Cons (list three cons):
I don't have any.
Notes Section:
I enjoyed reading this! As I said earlier, it's a good way to see how Tempest Shadow ended up working with the Storm King. From that, there comes the rest!
Enjoy your review! Please help me out by looking at my story/ this story: Starlight's Great Adventure

Login or register to comment