September Eleventh, Two Thousand and One. An attack on America strikes the world silent as history is made. Within a single day, the fate of the world changed. Victims of all ages, genders, everything.
Among these many casualties was one boy in the North Tower. Left without any hope, he was only saved though the external forces of chaos and endings.
This is the story of a boy who was forced to deal with tragedy, and how he learned to change with the present with the knowledge of the past.
(This is a rewrite from the original, called Avatar of Battle.)
Chapters (10)
Not sure if Displaced or not..
mhmm besides the nazi stuff not bad.
Sweet so far keep it up.
8882094
The Nazi stuff is just a joke.
You have done it again an awesome start to a story
Ancestor, really? General Patton is the ancestor. You're looking for descendant.
8882466
Either that, or he means that he's going to sire generals... Either way, he should probably still get a beta for this story.
You have a period in the title. Why? Why did you do that?
The description tells us nothing of the story, what the plot is, or anything original about it.
HiE Crossover with Discord? Truly the cup of creativity has overfloweth with thine ingenuity.
Overall, a generic story. Looking into the chapter, it's 90% dialogue, can't describe a scene well, and is more telling than showing in just about every instance. As for other mistakes, there's a section where every letter is capitalized to give the impression of screaming, which is a trap all amateur writing falls into.
As for random Avatar the Last Airbender powers... Nothing you did previously set up the world to be the one in ATLA. It seemed like a normal earth and, so, with a random kid getting powers with no real justification, I just yawn. Oh, and don't say you did it through "Ancestor of X", as he's based in the real world, supposedly. He didn't have bending powers. Nothing in this made sense in a cursory read over.
I'd advise you to get an editor and double check your writing. I'd also say you should scrap the idea and go for an original one that lacks humans, but that's personal taste talking.
Edit:
Upon taking a look at you, dear Author, I noticed that there's a mistake in the tags. See, you put in "OC" and not "Self Insert" which this character obviously is if your fimfic bio is anything to go on.
8882676
Note, OC is not the main.
All is explained later, but I will say one thing. His powers were given by one more powerful than Discord and Pinkie combined. The reason why shall be explained, but it’s supposed to be confusing now.
8882466
Thank you for that.
#Random
uh-huh...
One Middle Schooler
ok...
everybody thinks he’s a warmonger because he wants to test these powers
the first two made me say no. but this? this just might make it worth while
8882676
hmmm, your honest review makes me want to skip this story....... I'll wait for it to be finished and see if it's worth the read then
8883499
Thanks for giving it a chance. The main reason I put random is because... well it’s a failsafe more than anything. Ever since another story wich was downvoted because it was ‘too random’ with its jokes, I’ve always put random. After all, the ideas I have come randomly!
The reason I make the charichter a middle schooler is so I can feel them (they are just a different version of me) and to set up the Grass Mafia and Running Militia thing, wich are actual groups at school. Me and a group of friends made the Mafia, another friend made the Militia.
8883115
You still need to add a Self Insert tag. This is very clear self insert.
This is a poor excuse. Never say, "It'll be explained later." because that gives me no insentive to read on. I can give my character 100 super powers and say it's explained later, but if it doesn't make logical sense in the beginning, the entire story collapses around it.
1) Pinkie and Discord are on completely different power levels. Pinkie is still mortal.
2) No. I don't care who gave him his powers, have the Flying Spaghetti monster do it for all I care. I care about the why from a story perspective. He doesn't need them, it's to fulfill a self-insert fantasy, and there's nothing wrong with that. It's akin to jackin' off. Healthy release of catharsis.
Bu let me put it bluntly. Don't jackoff in public, it just leaves a strange taste in people's mouths.
Then that's poor writing. Go back to the drawing board and try again.
8883499
I'd advise you to skip it. It's not worth it, likely won't receive too many updates, and, frankly, as the author has pointed out himself, will lack coherency. He's going for a grandiose story but doesn't have a plan or a map to guide him. The author is flailing blindly.
If he wishes to improve. he'd get an editor and try a different idea, but what can you do.
8884275
I don’t know where you got the idea that I have no plan, for that is false. I have a plan, I write accordingly. Every day almost, a new chapter comes out, so I do update it constantly. And I do not know where you got the ‘no coherency’ idea either, maybe you could point that out? After all, I’d like to make sure that there is nothing here so I’ll continue to get insulted.
I get the feeling that the ponies are going to get smacked in there now how eventually.
8884275
OK, first off, not all stories are perfect, you can give him critic to improve, but you can rightly fuck off if your going to out right insult the story.
8884275
Second off, who's to say any work you do/will do are perfect?
8884556
Where did I get that idea?
This implies a discovery writing style, where you put in whatever you think is fun, coming out as random. It doesn't suit itself to long epics, most of the time. I don't mean it as an insult, just a prediction. If you prove me wrong, good.
8884822
I did give honest and blunt critique of the story, pointing out mistakes in the writing. I used specific examples and explained myself on the points that needed explaining. If you see that as insulting to the story, well, I can't dissuade you.
8884825
I'm not asking for perfection. I'm asking for less holes than swiss cheese. I know I'm not the best writer, and accept that, but even I can get grammar done right and describe a scene. I have editors and others to critique my writing so I can improve. If I assumed I was perfect, I'd pump out story after story and not care about quality.
I'd advise you not to try strawmanning my arguments. I never once mentioned perfection, but you latched onto that idea.
8885077
... OK yeah, the perfection thing was mostly in my head, but still, the way you worded it was rather rude... and I know I no longer have room to talk, considering.
8885077
When I said the ideas came randomly, that was a joke.
I mean, most ideas for character interactions, general plot, and jokes come without warning, or by talking to friends.
Now, I would like to apologize for Brony S Class. I do not like that attitude, and I prefer to stand up for myself. What he did was his decision, just know I don’t support it.
And just in case you don’t know the type of writer I am, this is NOT a long epic. This is a puzzle piece, not a picture, if that makes sense.
Basically this, and other stories, are simple plot to establish characters and have fun. This character will not do that much here, as it will be a short story. Wich means under 100,000 words, short. The only epic I will write shall be the final story in the Champions arc, others are here to know character.
I appreciate you commenting your digressions (unlike most) and I shall thank you in advance for taking responsibility. But I still will respond if I disagree.
And for the whole grammar thing, there are two things about that. One, I don’t want editors as it does not fit my style (that style being, wait til eleven and then post right after your done, all for fun.) and two, my mind automatically corrects grammar and spelling, so it’s hard to see mistakes.
8885124
I’m gonna say, that before was rude and uncalled for, because he at least commented why he didn’t like this.
But you’ve apologized, so all’s forgiven.
8885387
I... actually haven't directly said it...
8885077
... I'm sorry for my rude comment.
8885421
Its all fine, you’ve realized your mistake and apologized.
8885500
8885377
Ah, I see. My apologies, then.
Yes, this is what discovery writing is. It's on one side of the spectrum of writing. The other is architect/gardeners who work to create a story by cultivating it. They plan it out completely before writing and set it on rails, if you will.
Hm... I suppose I just didn't get the feel for that. My apologies for the assumption.
That's preferred, honestly.
Unfortunately, this mindset will only be to your detriment. Every writer wants to publish immediately. It's the good writer that has patience for his editors. Without them, you don't learn or get any clues on how to improve before posting. Even now the story still has numerous grammar mistakes that drag it down, making it less refined and, in totality, worse.
If you wish to improve, this is a mindset you need to get out of.
This is why people have editors.
As for the whole "UltimateBrony" thing... let me assure you, I didn't get insulted. It wasn't rude, frankly, if someone is fighting for your story and defending it, that's a note on how much they enjoyed your story. He could have gone about it a better way, but it came from a good place. I ask you not to judge him for it.
8885421
As for you, you weren't rude. You were reacting poorly, but believe me, I've dealt with much worse on this site than that. As such, I can't accept your apology as there's nothing to apologize for.
8885509
*blush intensifies*
Then... I'm sorry... for being sorry?
8885509
You are very, very nice! Honestly, shining example of what critics should be like!
Oh yeah, when you talked about it being diologe heavy. That is what I do. I do not build words, per say, but I build a overall multiverse instead.
I just write for fun, and for my friends to have something to laugh about. People enjoying it is a byproduct, not a focus. And if people don’t enjoy a story because the word honor is spelt wrong, than they are not my target audience.
And yes, this one will be a bit more plot heavy than say D.N.A, but it still is to set up the character mainly, and give a base for sequels.
And I understand Ultimate, in fact I like him standing up. Props to him! It was You he was talking to anyway, so I have no say. Him defending me is flattering, and I like it. I have no problem with it other than the way he said it, wich I’ve already said.
8885558
Well, there's nothing I can do to help you. If you do not wish to improve quickly, you'll just have to learn slowly. I would beg you to change your style, but I know how fruitless that is.
Good luck with the rest. If you ever change your mind and want to speed up your proficiency in writing, feel free to PM me.
you are doing good buddy
Until next time friend.
Great chapter, though it seems rushed.
Learn the proper your/you're for certain situations.
Your- showing ownership EX: "Is that your's?"
You're- contraction for "you are" EX: "You're quite powerful."
Keep on keepin on.
8882361
Still, some of it was weird them making fun of him being a Hitler look alike would have been funny, hell even him looking like Hitler while having the powers of the fantasy Dalai Lama(Aang) is kinda funny but the
that part might be going a bit far.
one’s
drown
choked
you need Grammarly its free and it found all these in a second.
Chapter one and this story is already a pile of stupid bullshit and I’m loving it!
This story just makes me want to say "SIEG HEIL!" for some reason...
Normal thing for me too
Huh I like it
9004707
*puts you in a hitler outfit with his pedo stash*
I liked graveyard of empires personally.
9748094
Eh, Afghanistan hasn’t really done much, though.
Nope. Probably should have taken the offered training, let the chaos issue.
i like the story. wish the chapters were longer, though. :/
9758729
Well, thanks. I would make chapters longer, but I have a pretty difficult time making things go on long, and not making them seem stretched out. However, that does allow me to save longer chapters for special occasions, like the climaxes of stories are sometimes 2k words.
welp that was fun read into the next story.
You had me at "A mustache grows on his face, like it was stolen from the corpse of Wilhelm the Second"
STOP WORKING FOR STORM KING THIS INSTANT