• Member Since 17th Apr, 2017
  • offline last seen 27 minutes ago

Lightwavers


Don't glorify the inevitable.


E

Twilight Sparkle is going to be a magic researcher one day, and she's about to embark on the first real step of that journey when everything goes wrong. Suddenly, she's dragged out of Canterlot with the rest of her class on a race to get out of Equestria before the Everfree, cold, or whatever is sabotaging the trains does them in. And the worst part is, they can't stop long enough for her to fix her magic.

Chapters (15)
Comments ( 19 )

Hmm... interesting beginning :twilightsmile: You have already proven you have a lot of worldbuilding ideas and lore details, Celestia's magical preparations and Luna's abilities honed for thousand years being their clear representatives.

One thing I'd advise you is to use shorter sentences in moments of tension and action. For at the very beginning where I believe tension should be present, you have this behemoth of a sentence, ruining the atmosphere a little:

As Celestia huddled behind a collapsed wall she felt one of the pulses getting too close for comfort and dropped her collection of stealth spells for a split second to destroy the pulse, as well as managing to drop another seven in random locations throughout the castle before she had to conceal herself once more or risk Luna sensing her directly.

I hope to read the next chapters soon!:pinkiesmile:

8371763
Thanks for the feedback! I tried to make it look like a moment where Celestia had a bit of time to plan, but I apparently didn't do it very well. I may revise the prologue after the story's done to make it more tense.

8371766
You're welcome! I will try to drop a word or two as I progress through the story.

I see... such moments are usually accomplished by contrasting pace. In theory, that's it.

8371812
Thanks for the advice and comments. I'll keep your words in mind. :)

Oh, more details on how magic works, great! Reminds me of proteosynthesis a little, was that your inspiration? :twilightsmile: Also, a really good first glimpse into Twilight's character and relationships.

Welp, Fire Streak surely has ego the size of a whale and mind that can't hold onto one topic for a longer time. I just hope not all pegasi in the will be like this.

8373228
Thanks! I have no idea what it is you're referencing, sadly. I have a huge 10k word document where I store my MLP worldbuilding ideas. All the branches of magic (and there are more than just three) are fleshed out and I'll slip in mentions of them when I can.

8373251
Your feedback is appreciated. It was most definitely not my intention to portray him in such a negative light, but after rereading his dialogue I can see where you got that impression.

8373257
You're welcome! Nevermind then, it's even more awesome that you managed to come up with this magic theory without knowledge of that!
In short, proteins are the molecules that do most of the jobs in cells, and their job depends on their precise structure. However, each protein starts as a thin string that is being twisted and folded by chemical bonds, similat to your 'move' and 'stop' commands :twilightsmile:

8373273
Oh, I see. That is pretty cool. :)

...... I'm a bit nervous about what to expect going in...... normally something like this I'd hop in and just read away and have that be it..... but..... one of your character tags is Gilda, one of my favorite side characters..... I'm a bit...... unsure of how to proceed on the matter.

8374091
I see. Mind telling me what you're unsure about? I tried to capture Gilda's character as well as I could. If you see any inconsistencies tell me and I can go back and edit the chapters she's in. It'll play hell with continuity, but I'm trying to make a quality piece of work.

8374095
I'm unsure that like most authors you play her as just the brash arrogant bully who doesn't really move past that. I know she's been given a bit more of a positive viewing recently but I got here way before the Griffonstone episode showed up and..... it still leaves me a bit on edge.

>>Oh, that's it? You'll be happy, then. She's not like that at all. :)

It's interesting to see Rainbow Dash as a teamleader. This side of her is not explored much in the show, but I don't doubt that it would stroke her ego and lead to a similar character you have there, especially in the beginning of the series.
Furthermore, I find it awesome that by taking away her ability to sleep on clouds, you have put her closer to Rarity's attitude of the ground and dirt.

Also, one thing I noticed; there should be a space following after ellipsis (...). It's a normal punctuation mark just like a comma or full stop, which also have a space after them.
Oh, and it's hooves, not hoofs...

8375049
I don't put spaces after the ellipses anymore because I think it looks better and a few authors I've talked to say that no spaces is the correct way to write it. I heard that you only put a space after if it's actually the end of a sentence. Thanks for mentioning it though.
And also the hooves/hoofs error. I'll fix it soon. Your feedback is extremely helpful. :)

8375628
Honestly I find it quite hard on eyes, but the author always has the last word. It might also be a matter of culture, just like some languages use hyphen in place of em dashes. You're welcome!

This is an interstating start. Have a upvote sir and tracking!

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