• Member Since 17th Apr, 2017
  • offline last seen 1 hour ago

Lightwavers


I disagree.


T

The Princess is gone, eternal night has fallen, and the Everfree is expanding. What will Twilight do?

Artist Credit: FimFiction/DeviantArt

Chapters (30)
Comments ( 46 )

Hmm... interesting beginning :twilightsmile: You have already proven you have a lot of worldbuilding ideas and lore details, Celestia's magical preparations and Luna's abilities honed for thousand years being their clear representatives.

One thing I'd advise you is to use shorter sentences in moments of tension and action. For at the very beginning where I believe tension should be present, you have this behemoth of a sentence, ruining the atmosphere a little:

As Celestia huddled behind a collapsed wall she felt one of the pulses getting too close for comfort and dropped her collection of stealth spells for a split second to destroy the pulse, as well as managing to drop another seven in random locations throughout the castle before she had to conceal herself once more or risk Luna sensing her directly.

I hope to read the next chapters soon!:pinkiesmile:

8371763
Thanks for the feedback! I tried to make it look like a moment where Celestia had a bit of time to plan, but I apparently didn't do it very well. I may revise the prologue after the story's done to make it more tense.

8371766
You're welcome! I will try to drop a word or two as I progress through the story.

I see... such moments are usually accomplished by contrasting pace. In theory, that's it.

8371812
Thanks for the advice and comments. I'll keep your words in mind. :)

Oh, more details on how magic works, great! Reminds me of proteosynthesis a little, was that your inspiration? :twilightsmile: Also, a really good first glimpse into Twilight's character and relationships.

Welp, Fire Streak surely has ego the size of a whale and mind that can't hold onto one topic for a longer time. I just hope not all pegasi in the will be like this.

8373228
Thanks! I have no idea what it is you're referencing, sadly. I have a huge 10k word document where I store my MLP worldbuilding ideas. All the branches of magic (and there are more than just three) are fleshed out and I'll slip in mentions of them when I can.

8373251
Your feedback is appreciated. It was most definitely not my intention to portray him in such a negative light, but after rereading his dialogue I can see where you got that impression.

8373257
You're welcome! Nevermind then, it's even more awesome that you managed to come up with this magic theory without knowledge of that!
In short, proteins are the molecules that do most of the jobs in cells, and their job depends on their precise structure. However, each protein starts as a thin string that is being twisted and folded by chemical bonds, similat to your 'move' and 'stop' commands :twilightsmile:

8373273
Oh, I see. That is pretty cool. :)

...... I'm a bit nervous about what to expect going in...... normally something like this I'd hop in and just read away and have that be it..... but..... one of your character tags is Gilda, one of my favorite side characters..... I'm a bit...... unsure of how to proceed on the matter.

8374091
I see. Mind telling me what you're unsure about? I tried to capture Gilda's character as well as I could. If you see any inconsistencies tell me and I can go back and edit the chapters she's in. It'll play hell with continuity, but I'm trying to make a quality piece of work.

8374095
I'm unsure that like most authors you play her as just the brash arrogant bully who doesn't really move past that. I know she's been given a bit more of a positive viewing recently but I got here way before the Griffonstone episode showed up and..... it still leaves me a bit on edge.

>>Oh, that's it? You'll be happy, then. She's not like that at all. :)

It's interesting to see Rainbow Dash as a teamleader. This side of her is not explored much in the show, but I don't doubt that it would stroke her ego and lead to a similar character you have there, especially in the beginning of the series.
Furthermore, I find it awesome that by taking away her ability to sleep on clouds, you have put her closer to Rarity's attitude of the ground and dirt.

Also, one thing I noticed; there should be a space following after ellipsis (...). It's a normal punctuation mark just like a comma or full stop, which also have a space after them.
Oh, and it's hooves, not hoofs...

8375049
I don't put spaces after the ellipses anymore because I think it looks better and a few authors I've talked to say that no spaces is the correct way to write it. I heard that you only put a space after if it's actually the end of a sentence. Thanks for mentioning it though.
And also the hooves/hoofs error. I'll fix it soon. Your feedback is extremely helpful. :)

8375628
Honestly I find it quite hard on eyes, but the author always has the last word. It might also be a matter of culture, just like some languages use hyphen in place of em dashes. You're welcome!

This is an interstating start. Have a upvote sir and tracking!

Woah. Hey great start to an adventure!

Heh... Discord and fourth wall lying in splinters. It was unexpected, but a fun to read :twilightsmile:

Yay Twilight! And hey Rarity's in this alternate universe too!

I think it's great so far. Alternate universe. Twilight unable to control her magic. Apocalyptic scenario. It's definitely nothing short of an interesting setting. Can't wait to read the next chapters.

Okay, so this is where things get confusing. Did Rainbow's team just meet up with Twilight's team? Does Rainbow already know Twilight in this universe? Are they going to split up? Because the second half of this chapter leaves a lot of questions for me. It seems to me that Rainbow has just met the group, but Rainbow and Twilight's conversation doesn't show that. It seems that they've just met and aren't even glad or at least surprised to have met another group in the forest. They just went straight to talking about taking the Everfree. So what's going on?

I just don't know what happened in the second half of the chapter. It just felt like there was a huge leap in the plot and there were too many things left unexplained.

Okay so Rainbow is travelling with Twilight and the professors. I thought she went her own way. Oh well, let's hope they come up with something!

Aaaaannnd Gilda joins the team! Man, war and politics must have really done her up eh? She seems more mature and self controlled. Not that I'm complaining.

Also, we are going to have to try out Rainbow's plans sooner or later, right? Cos options are running out quick. :twilightoops:

:rainbowlaugh: Oh I love Discord. At least he isn't bent on causing harm anymore since someone else is already doing that. And I guess the group has seen enough weirdness at this point to stop questioning what Discord is anymore.

8382958
Thanks!

8383043
Welcome to the story! Your comments make me happy. :D Sorry for the confusions in the earlier chapters.

I was wondering when that spell will catch up to her... Still, I think Twilight could be happy it didn't occur under more dangerous conditions.
Also, I wonder what other daring feats does the earth pony magic contain... :ajsmug:
And, um, by the way, I noticed some typos in the later chapters here and there. I can go back and comb for them if you'd like, but maybe getting a pre-reader would be a good idea.

8385260
Thanks for the heads up. I'll probably go back through this after it's complete and look for errors.

Hmm... six sources? Why do I have the feeling I know what those are going to be? :trixieshiftright:
Anyway, I really like the teasing atmosphere between Rainbow and Gilda, however Twilight's reaction to their pranks seemed a little off. I get it that she is new to friendship here, socially awkward and all, but still repeating "You just don't do that." fits more the attitude of a little filly in kindergarten that the studious mare.

8390591
Ah. Looking back, it does seem off. Sorry about that. I was reasoning off the fact that since this is before even episode one, she'd be really awkward in pretty much every interaction with someone else.

8390666
It's okay, no problem :moustache:

Alright! Great chapter. Loved it. Guess Twilight never went to Ponyville in this universe and so she never met Dash and Flutters. At least she's learning to make friends now. Oh and I liked Gilda in this chapter too.

I thought the sun was gone? Unless the Everfree isn't affected?

8394817
Ah! Thank you for noticing that, I messed up. Will fix as soon as I can.

Was the artwork a request or a commission? If it was a commission, then how much did it cost?

8397840
It was a commission. The rates are different depending on the request. You can contact the artist through the links provided in the description.

Nice chapter of more or less calm before the storm I assume will take place in the upcoming chapters. You are doing justice to the characters' traits.

Well... that was surely unexpected :rainbowderp: However, I really liked the 'conversations' with the elements, they were nicely crafted :twilightsmile:

Interesting place and bits of lore! Also, cliffhangers. :rainbowdetermined2:

The epilogue will be here later today.

That's a wrap, folks. I'm most likely not going to go back and edit this. I lost steam a few chapters earlier. Chapter 28 was a prime example of this lack of motivation. I didn't want to leave this story unfinished, but I didn't want to continue either. So that was the compromise. I'm going to be starting up a new multichaptered story sometime in the future, this one with longer chapters and much longer waits between updates—probably a week. That way I'll be able to go over each chapter more.

Bis zum nächsten Mal!

You are a horrible man, you start one of the best stories I've read in a while, get me into it, even give me one of the best things (alicorn dash!), then stop it their??!!?!?! *sigh* I hope you do a sequel for this amazing story, or even the one where twilight and dash talk after she brings her back from death. I made this profile just to commit here, please consider a sequel.

Hmm... I'm not a fan of open ending and I think many things there should have been explained, but I understand why you did this. Anyway, Thank you was this story. It was an interesting ride.

Well, you've got me intrigued. An interesting AltU, some thought-provoking origins of magic (if perhaps a lack of knowledge of it), and so far a very different approach to the NMM debacle. Gonna keep going ASAP.

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