• Member Since 8th Mar, 2016
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RuinQueenofOblivion


Dashite forever!


T

Katie Sinclair was once just a normal 11 year old girl that lived with her mother in Georgia. However one day she woke up to find the world not the same way she had left it, instead she was now a Pegasus Filly and had no idea where she was or what happened to her mom.

Along with a Zebra filly named Alicia Davis, Katie sets out from her hometown to try and find out what happened to the world, and to her mother.


Set in Starscribe's Ponies After People universe.

Cover made by RainbowSurvivor

Chapters (5)
Comments ( 23 )

A nice start but not enough to really have an opinion yet. Though I will say, it is written enough to seem like it was from the perspective of a 10 year old. No hugely fancy words or thing like that.

Seems nice so far, very interesting premise, but the story would likely benefit from a bit slower ability development. She's a pegasus for just a couple of hours, and yet she's already capable of moving the limbs she never had before - and even achieve some lift (in LPoE Cloudy Skies spends weeks of hard training to get to the same point).
:twilightsmile:

8381145 Yeah, sorry, really in all honesty her wings are useless anyway, she's a flightless Pegasus similar to Scootaloo from the show and I wanted to establish that early on, I didn't even think of that.

8380952 Yeah I worked hard to make sure it felt like it was from the perspective of a child, I had to keep myself from using fancier words several times since I'm used to writing adults.

Awesome story!

I'd like to start off by saying that you've done so much well here--brevity is the soul of wit after all, and more has happened in this one chapter than in some whole stories. Excellent job not getting bogged down in the unimportant details, excellent job setting a scene and giving us characters we care about.

I really, truly cannot say enough good things about this story so far. It reminds me of all the reasons I enjoy these stories in the first place.

I do have a few suggestions:

Every writer has their favorite quirk. For me, I often screw up my said tags. I think yours is the comma splice. Beware!

Check out your first sentence:

My body felt weird all over as my eyes snapped awake, it took me a minute to realize that I wasn't in my bedroom anymore, I really had no idea where I was any more to be honest. It looked like a house of some sort, but one that no one had lived in for a very long time.

This is four sentences. I don't think there are any easy rules for finding these, just... if you could ever switch out a comma with a period and have the sentence still make sense, it should probably be a period. Use em-dashes and semicolons to link complete thoughts, though in general a full stop is always better. There are a few others in the chapter that really stood out as well, but I'm sure you can find them.

Seriously though, great work. It's nice to see such an authentic perspective. It's nice to see a story that doesn't waste time on pointless details.

It would be nice to see a little more detail in future chapters, particularly where the characters would notice. (for instance, are the houses human-sized, implying they're actually from our world? Or are they pony-sized houses, implying we're much further in the future? That seems like a detail a child might notice.

Also to the tune of "not a problem but would make the writing stronger." In the future, consider small changes to the wording that wouldn't make it any longer but would help us paint a stronger picture. Like changing "food" to "cans" or "bedding" to "ratty sleeping bag." Again, this isn't a problem or a mistake. just one of those useful tips someone gave me.

But that's a minor gripe. Overall, I love what you've done so far. You've done more to win me to these characters in a few thousand words than many authors do in a whole story.

8381281

Well, it'll take more chapters together a more honest impression of this story

8381940 I understand, I just wanted to use the first chapter to set a few things up.

Its a good start. Like the others i am reserving judgement for the second chapter. So far, I am liking the story.

Thanks, an interesting angle on younger returnees. :)

The Zebra storytellers remind me of the "books" in Fahrenheit 451.

8405355 You're actually not that far off the mark, while I didn't really make them exactly the same they do serve much the same role.

I'm curious, why do so many people in Georgia come back as zebras? Is there something about their culture that aligns their souls closer to that species?

8419807 I have no idea, I'm just making this up as I go and I wanted a sizeable faction of Zebras.

Alright, caught up. Still some quite good characterization, nice world building, lots of good things to talk about. But there are some weaknesses introduced as well, that never appeared in the first chapter.

The pacing as slowed significantly since the beginning of the story--more happened in that first chapter than in all three of the others combined. More events in themselves do not a superior story make, but what more happening brings is brevity. What set your story apart from all the others out there right now (in terms of side story) was your fast pacing. It stopped things from getting dull.

On two occasions so far, I found myself thinking "we aren't really going to have to hear all that..." and then we had to hear all that. Specifically, the founding information about the zebra tribes and bioshock. At least to me, both of these sections slowed the pacing to a crawl, and really yanked us out of the narrative to things that we already knew or just didn't matter for what's happened so far.

The advice I've always heard is this: give as little of the backstory as possible, in a story that's as short as possible. Find your core narrative, really focus in on that narrative, and toss everything in the bin that doesn't directly connect with that narrative. We really don't need star wars or Bioshock to understand the core narrative--a single sentence on either subject would've been enough to establish framing for the world and we could've moved right on. On the other hand, the real information about a possible new tribe of zebras and one of our character's backstories only got a few lines near the end of the chapter.

My suggestion for the future is whenever you get a really great idea you just love, think very carefully if it actually helps advance your core narrative or not. If the answer is no, then, as the proper writing cliche' goes, maybe it's time to kill your darlings. I can't tell you how many awesome ideas I had for Last Pony on Earth that never made it in, because they had nothing at all to do with the central drama.

8420023 This actually may be a first, usually I get complaints about being too fast paced, this is the first time someone actually complained that I was slowing down.

I admit the little bits from Star Wars and BioShock were a bit much and I could've left them out. I'll refrain from being that much of a nerd from now on, plus they've served their purpose, yes they have a purpose.

I'll focus more on the narrative in upcoming chapters now that I have my intended world building out of the way.

8420045
It's a first because of reader self-selection. If your story is too fast for some readers, they're still likely to be at least a little on-board. They want to see the movie you're making, just a little slower.

But when it's too slow, readers just get bored and put it down. They're not likely to feel invested enough to comment.

I'm not saying it's bad in these three chapters, though. I don't want to come off that harsh. (if I really thought that, I just wouldn't comment at all) It's just got a few directions to look at for making the story even better... at least in my mind. Obviously that's just one opinion.

DJ Serenity? Raises eyebrow So Serenity's crossed universes huh? But in all seriousness, this was a good chapter and I suspect the Herd will play a part in Alicia and Katie's futures...

Yeah, I'm wondering about the The Herd myself, and what kind of marks they leave that would have Nightingale concerned about.
On a side note, why are you capitalizing Unicorn, and Earth pony?

8484078 The Herd's indoctrination process can be a bit, intense at times and, well honestly other than that I haven't decided yet.

And, I dunno, just used to doing it I guess.

8486459 Geez, I literally just posted this yesterday!

I don't know yet, sorry.

Oh ok sorry don’t mean to rush you

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