Just trying to make the best of a harsh world.
I was a forty year old volunteer for a experimental drug that was supposed to cure me of a rare genetic disease. It cured me, but the side effect was that it turned me invisible. So I went into hiding. Then, two years later I end up in Equestria somehow. Now I'm a legend here That's about to be proven true.
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Interesting idea. You need a proof reader though. Let me know if you want my help. I have done proof reading for others before.
Neat a few grammar mistakes but all around decent work
I like it. I dont know about bad grammar since englesh is not my first Language but I can say that I cant wait for more.
Now this is something new! I like that.You earned my follow and besides,this story has potential...a lot of potential
if
fidgeted
you're
remove this
sighed
be
I know of the errors. I work off of my phone so I try. Auto correct is wonderful ain't it.
Popular list again. Thanks all
This has the potential to be a very good story
a drug that turns you invisible.
well technically, it is possible. if you employed a chameleon-like system of invisibility, that is.
EDIT: also, pacing feels a little off.
It was a side effect for a cure. It wasn't intentional.
were
were
had
were
were
I have to concur on the pacing part. It is suddenly going very fast. In the span of one chapter it has gone from waking up in the hospital to a month later with no talk about the conversations between Luna and Tim and hints of a romance. That should be covered as it leaves the reader behind with no chance to really develop any feelings about the relationship. You should give the readers a chance to get emotionally invested in it. As it stands it's just "poof, there's a relationship".
Aside from the grammar issues, the only real issue I have with this is the pacing. This whole chapter just went by way too fast, with too many things happening in too few words, and not enough details for there to be any sense of immersion or the passing of time.
The entirety of this chapter felt like it took place within the span of a few in-story minutes. But if you were to add some more details -flesh out the characters' reactions, add some more descriptions regarding their facial expressions and/or body language, maybe have some lines showing their thoughts in addition to their outward speech- the pacing would be much better.
To me that is my biggest weakness. In not very descriptive. It's the minute details I forget. This was a piece together chapter from when I could work on it being that this is a busy time of year for me at work. It'll get more fleshed out When I have the time
I... what do I... err... hm... I have a question sir or madame...
One day, I'm gonna see that invisible kid. I'mma see what he did
Only if he wants you too.
All I can say is DAMN
You reply to comments by moving your mouse over to the right-hand corner of the comment you want to reply to then clicking on the >> that appears. Also, where did you get the cover art?
I don't use a computer and I found the cover on the net.
You're
you're
you're
truly
pacing seems a bit fast. a few loose ends that could lead to more adventures. But its a great fic
8668462
agreed my friend.
This seems a bit fast... also... neat idea about the whole "your love becomes ageless" *shrugs* I'll keep reading.
"Trixie has questions about the speed of this!"
but if he's always invisable, he wouldn't be able to willingly turn visible again.
make a side chapter for this . please.
8946041
Remember, magic can fix anything. Supposedly
8946325
I may try a couple of clop chapters for all of my stories, but they would be stand alones.
Story is decent, but needs extensive editing. Also, the development of the relationship feels sudden and rushed.
either chryssi did it, or luna did it. (was gonna say twilight... but i don't think so) only ones who knew about it were the princesses and maybe zecora. so.... chryssi would know. being as old a she is and living in the badlands itself.
9034117
Maybe
9034223
Well... No one automatically assumed Luna. Lol
9034574
Or maybe it was someone else who was honestly thinking of Luna's happiness.
9034591
wouldn't be surprised... if cady had something to do with it. alicorn of love and all
9034117
9035178
*holds back potential, yet fairly obvious answer/spoiler*
Discord is this your doing?
Wut
I feeling where missing the 1st act, all the characters are accepting this too quickly. It’s like being late for a movie and joined at the 45 minute mark.
I like the concept, just missing back story on character to come to conclusion. it destroys the flow of the story like someone that doesn’t know how to drive manual/stick.
Like the first chapter, we missed the conflict, so far the most important parts of this story are in dialog, I’m going to point out that Celestia and Luna supplied this info, in only 6 lines at most.
We have no idea how truly Luna and Celestia feels about this because there is no emotion over than “you saved me once before and you stoped some bad ponies” the reader was not there so why they should care about it “ because it has a hug sway in the plot” so why wasn’t the reader their before the part when they connected the dots.
This makes the reader well like a 3rd wheel because they don’t know anything about the characters, there’s no character development, so far the princesses are acting like old friends with Tim and we don’t Know why, Tim is acting like they’s An army out to get him and we don’t Know why. The question I am really asking is, why isn’t there at least 2 chapters explaining the situation that Tim and the princess are having.
All this is constructive criticism.
The short version I should of used is. The reader would have wanted to know what Luna was feeling when she was attacked, how Celestia was curious at the crime rate dropping, and how Tim opinions of the world around him.
Sorry if this a bit much, and honest but I believe this can be useful to you.
Is there going to be sequel?
Don't forget to replace some of was with were on "You was"es.
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Yes. I plan on doing a short, maybe 3 or 5 chapter story on his life after Tim arrived, but before he revealed himself, in Equestria.
9334773
Cool what about the wedding bits gotta know about his relationship with luna
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That'll be after I finish his little origin story I guess, but it'll be after the first of the year before I start on it.
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Ok one thing at a time bro. Are u still working on airianna?
9334881
Yes. I'll get a new chapter out soon. I hope anyways.