• Member Since 8th Aug, 2015
  • offline last seen 5 hours ago

DragonMaster24921


Just another brony writing stories about ponies

T

"why do these things happen to me first losing my job now im stuck in this castle just barely surviving day to day"

Joseph (or just joey for short) upon being fired from his current job as on his way home when a black hole appears in front of him for just a second is transported to a desolate castle in the middle of nowhere luckily, he knew how to survive in a forest, unbeknownst to him there is one resident in his new temporary home

Chapters (3)
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Comments ( 17 )
Comment posted by DAMN HAMSTER deleted Jul 27th, 2018

Seriously, do a spelling check before you publish this.

8063793
I'll go over it again for errors thank you for informing me

This story was just 17 extremely long run-on sentences. I even went and counted them. You need capitalization and correct punctuation if this is to go anywhere. That and this was just insanely rushed.

8064195
Thanks for the info once I get and open moment I'll go back and fix it and have a friend min etc make sure there are no more errors

8064195

I will be honest, this story concept has a great deal of potential. However, I do have to agree with you. I could be wrong, but I believe this Author to be fairly young and an inexperienced writer.

To the Author, I like the story Idea, and I like that you put some thought into this, however you really rushed this. Try not to rush from one check point to the next. When you reach the next check point, stop and expand on that idea.

Check point one. Your starting in the forest. Im OK with this. Personally I seldom read the before Equestria parts of HIE stories. Its seldom worth it. However you never show his thoughts or observations about the forest. You never describe the forest. Those first few sentences could be made into several paragraphs with just a little patience and thought. However you do get a huge pat on the back for not having the OC fight a manticore or hydra in which the OC wins the fight with little to no effort what so ever. This is just a little constructive feedback on ways you can improve your writing.

What ever you do, keep writing. Authors grow by writing. Remember what is always said of the Great American Author Mark Twain. "He wrote more garbage than gems during his life, but those gems that he did write became true american literary classics." So what ever you do, don't sweat those stories that might not be your best work. This is a site for people who write for a hobby, and while there are some fantastic and talented Authors here, never forget that everyone here writes for fun.

The Monk

8093277 And there is nothing wrong with being young and inexperienced at anything. This is especially true with writing. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and track the story, but I do expect better. Here's a tip...When typing, you can let the computer catch most spelling errors and mistakes. However with that being said capitalization will be left to you. Don't make the sentences short and choppy like this one. Don't let them be extremely long run-on sentences that last forever and have no stopping point in sight and take up three lines then make ya wanna go back and count how many times it happened like this one. You have to find the delicate balance between them for it to work correctly and flow. Improve your description of things such as your character and settings. If you're in a region with a particular accent then give it to your character.
EXAMPLE: "Y'all should get ya-selves inside right 'bout now."
That's more southern but I live in Louisiana so that's the one I'm most comfy with using. I'm also happy with how your character didn't whoop a hydra's ass like it was nothing. (however entertaining it might sound) I'm sure you have great potential to be tapped into and used, and I hope you find it. Have multiple people look over it if you feel you made mistakes and wanna catch them or get a proofreader from the site. They really can work wonders to a bad story if ya get a good one and they know what they're doing. Here's to another budding writer on his way to improvement. Cheers! *Raises shot glass and downs it*

Lots of potential, but until the spelling/grammar is fixed I cannot procede further. Let me know when it is edited:twilightsmile:

who had the GALL to banish me with the elements we used to weird together!

What?

Author's Note:

I know this isn't as long but I was trying to get this out in between my new hectic work schedule and fits of block and laziness but I hope I have improved since then

Well, I would recommend reading the chapter out loud before publishing it. That way you are more likely to notice typos and such.

I still enjoyed the chapter though.

8599591
I'm currently reworking what errors I can see, never really been good at grammar so I'm trying to improve. thanks for the critique though.

This is so bloody good, i love it :yay:

Here are some (likely) errors I noticed:

The human cringed not wanting to anger

Comma behind ‘cringed’.

he replied annoyed

Comma behind ‘replied’.

Since you mentioned this IPod, requires a charge

Unnecessary comma.

“if your willing to keep this charged

you're

before noticing they were still.embraced

Period/dot should be space.

Tell me about yourself, Moon..

Either one or three periods.

“Humor me..

Same as before.

but I am the embodiment of the ruler of this nation, her name was Luna, a thousand years ago, Luna and her sister Celestia rose the sun and moon respectively, all was in balance until a unicorn named Sombra had declared war on Equestria from his empire in the fire north.”

Second comma should be a period.
Also, was it really called the fire north? :rainbowhuh:

Which in turn lead to.my banishment

Period should be space.

so it's more for your safety

First s should be uppercase.

that you weren't truly evil?” “After all if I can ha her a guess

Part of the same line, so the cited quotation marks should be removed.
Also, ‘‘ha her’’ ?

Joey moved closer wrapping his arm

Comma behind ‘closer’.

we figure out how you can truly apologize to Celestia and Luna..”

Should just be one period.

Nightmare Moon sat in Silence

Uppercase S should be lowercase.

I know what Will happen,

Uppercase W should be lowercase.

I will either be arrested or executed on the spot, treason is penalty to death

I do not think that is the correct syntax.

“that was a thousand years ago

First t should be uppercase.

this time with a friend by your side..”

Should only be one period.

the fire had long gone our

out

Nightmare Moon was resting, her breathing was slow, and her name wasn't moving

mane

by the time he had finished Nightmare had awaken

Comma behind ‘finished’.
awakened

“Morning you..”

Either one or three periods.

not having to forge around for scraps like wild animals.

forage

Note that these are only the ones I noticed.

9071925
Thanks my dude I'll fix them later today.

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