• Member Since 9th Jul, 2012
  • offline last seen Jul 17th, 2018

TheSecretBrony


T

So basically, my parents are going on holiday and leaving me to look after the house. Which inspired this story.

Twilight has been invited by the Princess to spend a week in Canterlot. Spike is left home alone, Twilight has asked her friends to keep an eye on her number one assistant. Over the course of the week Spike is visited by each of the Elements, and he takes the oppurtunity to learn a little more about his friends, maybe a little more than he bargained for.

Constructive Criticism is welcome. This is my first ever piece of fan fiction (Hooray!)

Enjoy!

Rated T for innuendo (the occasional dirty joke) as well as some of my painful attempts at comedy :) Also Pony Swears

(Please note, I wrote this on WordPad, which has no spellcheck. I've proofread it several times as well as used some unreliable online spellcheckers. If you spot anything let me know)

Chapters (9)
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Comments ( 242 )

Pretty good. Some of the dialogue could be better. The conversation between spike and fluttershy was a little weird at first (and not like the socialy ackward fluttershy weird.) but it got much better and more natural feeling.

as a whole good and pretty funny so thumb and track from me.

6or4strings93 Thanks! I know I have to work on my story writing, any suggestions for a budding first time author?

As for the "akward" Fluttershy conversation, I am probably going to rewrite this a bit in the future same with all chapters. Hopefully watching Dragonshy and Hurricane Fluttershy a couple a dozen times will help :twilightsheepish:

I love the idea of the story and the writing/grammar is good, only real complaint is pretty much the same as 6or4strings93 said with the dialoguue being wierd in the beginning.
cant wait for more chapters and funny interactions between ponies and dragons. (i really want to read about the pinkie part :3)

>>necro rouge thanks as I've said any suggestions/examples?

903061
hmmm.... "So how are things over at your place?" this line from spike and the next following paragraph are the ones that stick out to me the most. It sounds cliche? something like that. also spike seems unnecessarily asshole-ish.

"I thought you were more assertive now or did that wash out of your head when you did your mane this morning?" that line seemed weird and out of character consider he wasnt really mad or very annoyed beforehand. and right after say she was his friend, it seemed odd.

Thats all that really stands out to me. after that it you seemed to get into the groove of it and it came off more natural.
Hope that helps.

spotted one mistake "The wwl retreated" that should be the owl retreated

That was very nice to start things off and learning more about the others. By the way where's Peewee?

please continue this. i'm looking forward to raritys visit

903781 :applejackunsure: I decided to leave Peewee out when writing this, simply because Owlicious and Spike have had much more interaction. Whilst Spike is only seen with Peewee at the end of Dragon Quest. Who knows? I might include him later, I just hope we see more of the little phoenix when Season 3 comes out so I have something to work with.

903127 :facehoof: I know, I've read a fair few fics where Spike's an asshole. Must have left an impression.

Good, but LOTS of spelling mistakes and you need more proper punctuation! When you do dialogue, each quote gets a new line... :ajbemused:

Take a look at my story for example.

905781 Lots of spelling mistakes? Can you please point them out, the only spellcheckers I can use are online ones and they can be quite buggy. Also it was my understanding that when it comes to dialogue a new paragraph (or new line if you prefer) occurs when the speaker changes, something I did check for. As for your story, I don't really like Derpy X Luna, no offense but it's such an odd pairing. I'll reserve judgement until it's finished though.
:trixieshiftright:You wouldn't happen to be the person who thumbed down would you

Log on: 200+ views plenty of thumbs up?! :pinkiehappy:
Refresh the page 1 thumb down :pinkiegasp:

you like spike dont you fluttershy :]

I agree with 6or4strings on his improvements.
I am the comma master, and I think you could use a few more.
A bit more separation of dialogue within the story should be considered.
I feel that mental dialogue deserves a separate line just as much as actual dialogue.
Also, your punctuation gets sloppy whenever you start to have mental dialogue.
And 5 points from Gryffindor for not saying who Fluttershy is crushing on :unsuresweetie:

906503 Do you want Slytherin to win the House Cup, if not then please tell us who Fluttershy is crushing on, and by the way who's going to be dropping by next Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Pinkie Pie, or maybe even Rarity? :applejackunsure: :pinkiegasp: :rainbowhuh: :duck:

906905 Fine then but don't start complaining if someone decides to dock more House Points from Gryffindor for that. :trixieshiftright:

907667 Ha! I actually haven't decided yet who she's crushing on :twilightblush: who knows, I'm actually right this second drafting the plan for the next couple of chapters. Who do you think she should crush on? As for the second chapter I'm thinking Rainbow Dash is that cool with you? :rainbowhuh:

903510 Judging for you avatar I don't know whether I should be thankful or terrified... or both :derpytongue2:

907700 As long as it isn't Big Macintosh then I'm cool (That ship has been done to death), perhaps Caramel or one of the Doctor Whooves incarnations (The brown one is called Time Turner and the gray one is called Lucky according to the Wiki), or maybe even Soarin (Don't think anyone's ever done that one before). :applejackunsure:

And Rainbow Dash sounds nice but just don't make her give Spike some bad ideas. :twilightoops:

907788 I agree with you there, but I confess I really do like that pairing. Soarin huh? Er I'll look into it, no promises, gotta admit as a Whovian myself it would certainly be interesting including Doctor Whooves as a character as for Caramel, he already has a canon girlfriend (Watch the Hearts and Whooves Day Song) and I don't want to write a fan-fic that go against canon if I can avoid it.

907725 I'm only a psychologically destructive and manipulative force of hate half the time. The rest of the time... ponies.:pinkiehappy:

908237 Oh that's intresting you're the first one to make use of that, Soarin would actually make some sense as to why Fluttershy doesn't want to confess she doesn't want to hurt Rainbow Dash's feelings becuase she thinks Rainbow Dash is intrested in Soarin too. :applejackunsure:

908645 Have you ever seen the movie/ heard of the term "Gaslighting?" :pinkiecrazy:

905931, okay then but I don't think I disliked? My comp. can be really slow so I may have clicked random things, but I don't think I did? That would be really mean, and I hate dislikes, too! :raritycry:
-Well I love unusual shippings, so it's okay if you think it is a little weird.

I don't see any spelling errors, but there are quite a few grammatical errors. Mainly just missing/wrong punctuation and run-on sentences. Other than that, a good chapter!

GET THE MARKER AND DRAW A NICE CURLY MUSTACHE :moustache:

and a monocle for some swag

I can't wait to see what Spike did to Rainbow Dash. :moustache:

Set her on fire, Spike.
Set it all on FIRE.

2 dagonsitters introduced 3 to go.

Working on second part tommorow, I'm not the type to work on Sunday. Also I was up until 3 in the morning writing this so probably going to spend the day in bed :ajsleepy:

As for Fluttershy's crush: Stick around for Part Two

914843 Oh fantastic so now I've got a pyromaniac as well as whatever the hell Daxisle is following me... great :twilightoops:
images.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/10324510.jpg

Spike and Fluttershy eh? RAAAAGE! (Jk jk) Hmmm... This is new, proceed. (Cause, you know, you need my permission.)

P.S. Spike im sure you will not regret it unless she says no but look at you you're awesome she will say yes.

Fluttershy and Spike I like the idea and it is a cute couple. I mean it has Fluttershy in it, she is like concentrated cuteness so it's not possible for this to be not be a little appealing to all the bronies out there.

you know, i'm hearing rumors that Fluttershy turning into a Dragon in season 3 is actually a gateway episode to Fluttershy X Spike.

I have seen a couple of Fluttershy Spike shipping but its almost Spike and twilight or Rarity no one else. But its nice to see Spike expand to the other mane six after all dude has got class and he knows mares. What mare does not want Spike dudes perfect thanks to growing up around mares.

Well now I've stopped getting 502 errors I can finally reply to some of these comments
922866 http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=fvwrel&v=asEN8iT9diw&NR=1
922901 Really, well that's the first I've heard of that, should be an interesting episode!
]922951
i.imgur.com/ixhpN.jpg
That is all. Now provided I don't OD on energy drinks expect the next chapter on Wednesday, unless of course my computer screws up giving me 502 errors whilst trying to upload. Took me 2 hours before it let me upload the latest chapter.:pinkiehappy:

>>The SecretBrony
i know. the 502 errors are annoying. what causes them, anyway?

I've never heard of Fluttershy/Spike shipping. mostly its Fluttershy/Big Mac (Which I hope really happens :yay:). Great story.:moustache:

923309 According to the FimFiction Facebook Page it's a server problem, they are in the process of transferring to a new server.

Another dislike?! :raritycry: But whyyyyyyyy!?!?

Honestly if you don't like the story at least tell me why before hitting the thumbs down.

922901 Say what?! :pinkiegasp:

Also Fluttershy and Spike kind of works, the only ones I don't think work out are SpikexRainbow Dash and SpikexApplejack considering what evidence the show has given us. :yay: :moustache:

Geez this comment is taking a long time to load

totally did not expect that, i thought for sure you were going to go the usual fluttershy pairing with Big Mac. Awesome work

933555 Thank you! :pinkiehappy:
How do you like the picture BTW. I spent 2 hours drawing that and trying to make it look nice in GIMP and no ones commentated on it yet :twilightangry2:

I saw a lot of periods missing. I saw maybe 2 quotation marks missing. Other then that, great story! :yay:

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