- Member Since 24th May, 2017
- offline last seen Mar 15th, 2022
Zet Rock
I'm new to writing. I am not ordinary, so I will write the real, the extreme, and the unexpecting. My stories are my mind in written form. For every word I write strenghtens me.
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I noticed a pretty big continuity problem from the previous chapter:
if Spike was attacked on his way home from Zecora's, his fight happened where he was flung to from that first attack, and he was "buried" practically next to where he was fighting, wouldn't that mean that he made a replica of the Golden Oak library just a stone's throw away from Ponyville and Zecora's place instead of trying to find his bearings/a way back, or even just a small shelter until he finds such things?
I ask because, as far as I recall, there's nothing to suggest that he was moved anywhere, since the previous chapter said that Dahlia only HID Spike, not move him, specifically saying that the ponies that'll come to investigate the incident will "find the battlefield but not Spike even in the darkest night." by using her powers to "spout roots from the surroundings forming a protective structure around Spike covering the hole’s topside with many plants and bushes. Blocking out the blue flames light, before the Wonderbolts came to investigate."
But that might be fixed by some magic teleportation BS, like saying that the Dryad chose to move him to a more suitable part of the forest, one that is a LOT less hostile or something, but that sounds a bit too... cliche? easy? deus ex machina? BS? I duno...
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"As Spike try to regain his breathe and control over his body, the soon-to-die chimera’s viper tail struck him, resulting in a burnt mouth, but it flings him out of the destroy clearing and into a remote part of the Everfree Forest several miles away. Spike lands in another clearing forming a five-foot-deep cater; he has two deep puncture wounds in his gut where the viper’s fangs pierce is scales."
I was thinking that will be far enough from Ponyville. Several miles is a long walk I mean... It should be a very private area in the Everfree Forest as well.
Maybe, I should say several miles away from Ponyville to make it clearer?
The chimera was massive. It can be possible that the viper, the chimera's tail, can be strong enough to lunched Spike a reasonable, far distance away?
But what do you think of making it 10-30 miles distance to me distance is very relative to other locations. There are no limits, and I just went with it to make it flow. I hope to make my work flow steadily as it builds.
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I didn't notice that part, and yeah, that would make it decently enough away, especially if there's no pathways around or landmarks to guide him... but still, the last paragraph did make it seem as though he was in the "arena" he scorched (while defeating the Timberwolves), rather than a "new" crash site...
but regardless, it takes a LOT of power to fling something that far! Though the more I think about it, as long as he doesn't know a way back, or see any landmarks (though canterlot and Cloudsdale WOULD be easy to spot) I guess any location would be good enough
Though that still doesn't explain why he just went and decided to make a home right then and there, rather than just a temporary home/campsite as he travels (in what he may only think is) his way back to Ponyville
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Now that is a very reasonable question. Now, I was trying to have Spike become more independent by facing certain trials. The trials will break his current views. For Example:
In a dream...
The image moves his head up looking at me with glowing red eyes. “Why you staring at your own reflection, FOOL? This is what you are, and WHAT YOU ALWAYS BE!” The white stone floor breaks apart under my feet causing me to fall; I look behind my shoulders to see my wings had disappear, and I roar as I continue to fall into the dark, hollow void...
In a different realm...
"The dark cloud had vanished and the ocean was fill with bright golden lights all heading to me.
“I can’t follow them anymore, but I still love them as my friends.” I look up into the sky and smile as I close my eyes.
When the lights reach him, there was a golden flash of light, and he was gone."
There are many things that I put into chapter 1 are trials
My reasoning is that since Spike, in this story ,is eighteen. He should become is own person. I just thought he needed some time away from ponies to change easier. (and now I see an error huh! in my work ' clouds')
I hope this answer your last question. He is confuse the trials are changing what he believe for eighteen years. It is a revelation for him.
I will always try my best to answer all questions.
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I can see your reasoning on that, but the dreams aren't trials, they're more like doubts or premonitions, since they've been pretty passive: the dreams haven't been haunting him; stopping him from doing anything; forcing him to confront anything, or even make him come to a realization, they're just bothering him and telling him what he quite possibly ignored/wanted to not believe, which is a good START, but the story HAS to build on that for readers to understand that it's more than just something that was said
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Now, you are right...when I think about it. They not trials but what you said 'doubts or premonitions' I need to remember the readers need more ummm.... I really thought the doubts or premonitions were something concrete. maybe I didn't make it clear enough. They are passive mostly so far, but do l update the first two chapters with a more active to build faster and make something for chapter 3. I now working to make readers really understand. Not everyone will see it my way, but I was hoping, what I wrote already wouldn't feel, I was rushing anything. Oh, Dahlia you make life harder to explain, but I need you in this story. Chapter 3 you are my only hope!
When he face the chimera, he snap... releasing his dragon instincts... one could make a point that he is staying to learn how to control his magic better. In chapter 2, I show he have the ability to release great magic without falling unconscious, but needs Lily help focusing. Can the doubts and help in controlling his magic make him stay, yes. Nowww... making a house in the Everfree Forest is a surprising feat. It is his old home and I think it close to his heart with all the good memories he share in it. He wanted to make food (and take a hot shower), and I wanted him to show his ability. A great combo in my mind. So beirirangu, is my story doing anything right? Or is it fill with half bake ideas? I was trying to make it flow. Is Spike too OOC ? Everything is for a reason it can be small or big ones thou. I glad you taking the time to reply; you didn't have to do anything. Most people do not help when they see faults. I know I have done that. So, thanks man.
The are many reasons I didn't just let Spike return home, but they will be shown in the future chapters. I hope this action will not discourage others from reading the story. I write this story because I want Spike to be in one word, Great.
I edit this reply a lot to answer your questions.
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well, I'm not exactly complaining about Delilah or his sudden/powerful draconic powers, I think those things were done well enough, it's that the dreams haven't been shown to be anything more than a slight nuisance and the fact that he intentionally made the entire house right off the bat that I'm talking about... I mean, if he were plagued by these dreams, haunted by the chilling words he desperately wants to prove false, and that he ACCIDENTALLY made an entire house, where he was only looking to get a room or two, a shower, and some fruit (or that it was Lilly [if that was her name] that shaped the house FOR him because she didn't know exactly what he wanted [and in that case, he could be upset, but understanding, saying that she did a good job and is very well done, but he didn't need all of it, or something]), then I wouldn't really be having this "issue."
As for "doing anything right?" and being "filled with half-baked ideas", I think you're doing plenty of things right, like the love and compassion he has for his friends and the neglect and care they show towards him, the care from the ponies (aka zebra) that want to help him, the fight scene, the wandering around the woods, the survival attempts, the description of the magic with Delilah and Lilly, and that the princesses would definitely investigate (though I forget if they shown any particular interest in Spike's well-being, seeing that not every story has Spike as Celestia's adopted son) were all done fairly well and I enjoyed reading those parts... and just about EVERY story is filled with "half-baked ideas", they just have to be worked through to get the greater plans expanded and expressed. I love the ideas, I love Spike, I don't think he's TOO OOC, and I know that even the smallest things can have a huge impact. I'm helping because I enjoy the stories and really wish more like this (positive ones about Spike) were out there!
and of course Spike wouldn't just go back home, there HAS to be a journey for the hero to venture, but you have to give a reason: because he can't find his way back? Because the forest is confusing his senses? Because there are other forces that are preventing him from returning (be they wanting to harm him or get his help) ? There has to be a reason is all I'm saying.
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Did get my message? I will be doing a better job on giving Spike more reasoning to the actions he does. So the readers will understands his actions
Keep this going, I'm enjoying it.
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Thanks I will!
I'm really enjoying this. It's a very well done chapter, with a lot of things that make a lot of sense, but one thing that I think should've been written differently was the note... well, the whole main six getting back section in general was a bit off, and not in the dramatic way, just the "it should've been done differently" kind of way, but regardless, it does open up plenty of questions and possibilities that I can't wait to read more about
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I will reread that part again. Some things I just wonder... so many things on my mind. Thanks for commenting. It's always helpful to have another's opinion. 
Ok!
85010 You're welcome, so when's the next chapter coming out?
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I have more to write, so I'm not sure when... exactly. 
I am a median-speed and steady writer. It's coming I promise.
This is a very wonderful story and I can't wait for more chapters to come.
8502637
No problem, I can wait.
Grammar
I'm sorry. There is just too many grammar errors in this story to make me want to finish reading it. I understand completely If English is your second language and you don't know the proper form of the word you are looking for. The concep is really good and i wish for more but I can read it.
Check out this group if you need and editor: Struggling Authors
a lot of grammar issues indeed.
The story seems interesting thou. Maybe you could search for an editor
(and use grammarly, it will be really usefull while you are getting the hang on writting)
8504563
Ok, thanks for commenting.
i hope this keeps going
I'm really enjoying this story. The way the mane 6 act is really believable. Good work!
Cool
One question.It will be a romance between Spike and OC or Spike and Ember?
When's the next chapter coming out?
Excellent chapter can't wait for more
No Cliffhangers my third weakness!!!
I like this, would recommend to re-read to fix any errors in grammar, but overall I’m actually waiting for the next chapter. Good luck
Awesome
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Thanks for commenting!
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Sure thing
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It's very nice to take a moment of your time to do so. I hope the next chapter will go well.
Thanks for commenting!
Well done)
I hope Spike won't meet fluttershy in current state)
Nice
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Thanks It needed it.
Its gotten very interesting!
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Thanks
Why it remind me an anime?
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I watch a lot of anime lol. So I wouldn't be surprise, it might seem like one.
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)))
Well,Chrysalis x Spike...Okay maybe it would be okay.Want to see what will happen next.Good luck.
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Spike falls on so many TvTropes!
Spiky-wiky is a badass over here!!!
And so an instinct driven dragon slumbers unaware of a troublesome foe. While a changing queen is developing affections for the drake that lays beside her… The question is will the kreelix be a powerful enough prey to earn spike his wings; will a changeling find love; will Flurry reunite with her uncle spik!
Find out that and more on the next episode of DragonBa *cough cough*
Spike's Heart !!!
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Hahaha Now that a great Summary... Thanks for commenting. It's like an anime when reading this comment lol.
Progress?
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When's the next chapter?
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so idk 
Are you asking me??? Because if u are, I'm not the author
Hello? How is this story getting so good; but making me wait so long? How is the progress on the next chapter?
Great chapter… but it might need a little editing, flow seems a little strange near the end. Maybe a scene when spike first arrives and recognizes the kreelex?
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Ok, thanks for commenting.
Any progress with the next chapter