"You’ll have to take her soul. You’ll have to kill LUNA.”
"You’ll have to take her soul. You’ll have to kill LUNA.”
Rising from a timeline nearly lost to Genocide, Twilight Sparkle enters the throne room of the Queen of all Monsters, DETERMINED to make this timeline the last.
At her side is Sunset Shimmer, a disembodied voice halfway between spirit and conscience.
Standing behind her are the hopes and dreams of her friends, each and every monster in the Underground counting on her to set them free.
And in her way stands perhaps her greatest challenge yet. A foe just as determined to set everyone free as she is.
An Undertale MLP crossover AU with a twist. Set around the player's final confrontation with ASGORE.
Spoilers for Undertale may ensue.
Chapters (2)
Graceful writting as always
Once again putting your own finessed tweak that makes it stand out from the crowd
You know, when I first saw this story I thought it'd be longer. How do you pronounce bergentrückönigin?
Really nice story, I got an bit confused about what happened to Cadence but it's a good story
8111807 I'm thinking of expanding it into the entire journey through the underground if you'd be interested in seeing more of this world?
Had to look it up to check but it's pronounced. Bergen (like the city)- tru (like the beginning of truck)-kong (like king kong)-in
Ber-gen-tru-kong-in
Hope that helps!
Anything you particularly enjoyed?
8112936 Ah it is left a little unclear, particularly if you aren't familiar with the source material. But, put basically, after Sunset died Cadance absorbed her soul (as human souls stay after death and provide massive boosts in power for monsters) and passed through the barrier.
The basic mechanics of the barrier are that you need to have the equivalent of at least one human and one monster soul to pass through it and the equivalent of seven human souls to break it. Cadance went through the barrier with Sunset's body essentially to lay her to rest on the surface. However whist doing so she was attacked by the humans of of the village above who assumed she had killed Sunset.
Cadance refused to fight back despite being super powerful so by the time she got back to the underground she was already mortally wounded.
I hope that makes sense.
The original is explained much more eloquently here.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1B4YWmdA_1c
Would you be interested in seeing an expansion of this? Essentially Twilight traveling the Underground from beginning to end and meeting more characters and expanding on some of the stuff I couldn't touch on here?
Either way I'm glad you enjoyed this and any particular favorite things or criticisms would be highly appreciated.
the name of the story isnt even a word
8131036 It's a close spelling to Asgore's theme song name.
If you're looking for advice- particularly things to improve on if you expand this- the first thing that comes to mind for me is taking a good look at why you're writing a crossover. Is it to tell a story about Undertale that's publishable in ponydom? Well... okay. There's nothing wrong with doing a character swap and calling it a day. But when you've got two works that are so thematically similar, it almost seems a shame not to do more. Like, why not do something relating Cutie Marks and Souls? Maybe it should be the Elements of Harmony that are needed to break the barrier, not seven generic pony souls? Why generic monsters and not, say, batponies or changelings? Or how about making use of the mountain of similarities between Flowey and Starlight? Basically, think big and pull ideas from both works, not just one.
An added benefit to clearly doing your own thing is that when an author sticks very closely to the canon of one work, but then breaks it, it's difficult to tell if they did so deliberately or just weren't familiar enough with the work in the first place. Once you deliberately blur the lines a little more, it greatly increases the amount of small stuff you can change without risking bothering purists.
Either way, if doing an expansion sounds like fun, do it for yourself if nothing else. There's my two cents.
8136108 ?
8136543 look up Asgore's theme on YouTube and you'll see
8136867 i wont be spammed with shitty content and mincraft vids in my suggested videos right?
8137379 You shouldn't be
8136532 Thank you for your comment. It's rare I get one so interesting and insightful.
I think the closeness mainly came from the face I was focussing almost entirely on the Dreemurrs/Princesses particuarly Luna in the role of Asgore as it seemed to fit so well. It's something I definitely want to rectify when I expand the world though.
I wanted the basic premise to be fairly intuitive, and keeping at least the basics fairly simple worked well for that I hope.
The main reason I didn't have the elements as a tool is that, as well as being a fairly large part of most of my other works, is that I wanted several of the elements to fill different roles in the story, primarily as the friends Twilight makes along the way. And (since I'm assuming you know the game at least fairly well) there is a point where something like that can take place.
Since there are so many different types of monsters it felt a little confining to use the ones from the show, particularly where races and personalities didn't mesh with my ideas. I do however plan to at least try to include some of them and have several other ideas for expanding the lore behind the types mentioned here and adding others, particularly drawing from mythological creatures; for example, Rainbow as a harpy
and Faeries as extensions of their aspects. 
Hmm can't say I saw those two being similar. I'd love to hear your thoughts on it. Personally I chose Cadance because of the dichotomy it represented. Of course you don't see Buttercup (Flowey) here but they are quite a different character, even from the original.
TLDR:
To sum up. I definitely see your point. Partly down to my close focus and one shot confinements. Would love to hear more, especially about the Flowey/Starlight links. If you wanted to take an early look at the first few sections of the wider fic and give me your thoughts I certainly wouldn't.
Thanks a million for your awesome comment.
8131036 You've already got an answer but to sum in brief.
Asgore's theme music from the game is called Bergentrückong. Literally it translates to "King Under the Mountain".
So, considering Luna is a Queen rather than a King I did a little tweaking and combined the two to make it "Queen Under the Mountain", aka Bergentrückönigin.
Hope that answers your question.
8137875 but still i know german and even the original is not a word even in old german or the various dialects
8137864 With respect to the premise being intuitive... it is if you're familiar with Undertale, but familiarity with pony doesn't really help all that much. It's more or less a see-what-happens revolving around the climax of one work. Simply being longer is the best way to deal with this, since you can build up to the climax yourself rather than relying on imported drama, but helping the audience feel that the world's familiar is also a big step. Hence why I suggested using FiM monsters: yeah, both pony and Undertale are fantastic worlds where you very much could see a harpy or faerie, but they don't have pony written all over them. Recasting characters is fine, but it creates a weird situation where the audience doesn't know whether to think of, say, Cadence as Asriel or Cadence. Without some sort of familiar reference points, it becomes really easy for the audience to become ungrounded, since they have conflicting ideas of what everyone's like and can never get a feel for what's what. Again, that eases up naturally as you go longer and have character development, but there are definitely things you can do to help it on its way.
Flowey and Starlight: both appear as the villain at the very start (of the game/season five), then stalk the hero very creepily until coming back as the villain at the end. Both of them are time travelers who try to erase timelines to prevent the protagonist from making their group of friends. Both are obsessed with stealing Cutie Marks/Souls. Both count jealousy and loneliness among their motivations, and have a chip on their shoulder due to losing their childhood best friend. Both are completely adorable when they're not terrifying. And, of course, both are completely unstoppable outside of friendship and hugs.
Toss me a PM if you want me to look at something, be it chapters or outlines. I'm pretty busy so I can't promise any semblance of speed, but I'd be happy to give it a shot.
Honestly, even though I love both things this is crossed with I don't know if there's enough for a full review so I'm gonna leave a written one here.
Honestly how everything is presented is confusing, some things are rather Straight forward like Twi being Frisk and Sunset being Chara. But others are kinda Confusing and hard to pick up on right away. Like for example till about half way through I thought this was human Twilight. And I'm still not entirely sure what type of monster Luna was. A Female Goat monster? But you mentioned the Fae so that added to the confusion greatly.
I think something to help sort things out would be a rewritten version of the games opening legend to help set the scene before jumping into it.
I'm sorry for taking so long to get back to you on this and the other story the solar steward you sent in so long ago. the reason I bring this up now is I'm seeing a lot of things I noticed in that story here as well. A lot of drawn out exposition with little else. But in this story, it can be forgiven... or at least excused more since this is such a short story.
8167196 Thanks for your review. Yeah looking back I see how some people could get confused. This was halfway to being a more fully fleshed out story with a wider universe and plot with all the time travel complexity and shenanigans that implies. (as implied by Sunset's
)
I'm going to take your advice and add an adapted version of the opening. Hopefully this will clear up most of the confusion.
Much better you explained things and now the rest of the story makes more sense for it in my opinon.
Here's the video i did about your fic
this is pretty neat, but you are definately wrong here OP.
Twilight sparkle is made for the asriel role