- Member Since 28th Jan, 2015
- offline last seen Apr 23rd, 2021
ImNoPony
I don't write pony stories. I mainly write about humans or Equestria Girl stories.
ImNoPony
Joined 28th Jan, 2015 ·
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why there are two Fluttershy when there's post to be one?
Pinkie pops what, put her what around Fluttershy shoulder?
don't you mean AJ and RD or Rainbow and Applejack?
8045031 I fix the mistakes. Let me know if I made more.
There is a severe amount of tense confusion going on here. Half of the first chapter is written in the past tense and half is in the present, often changing in the same sentence. You need to pick one and stick with it. The dialogue punctuation is also incorrect. When writing dialogue, it should look like this:
The part you keep forgetting is the comma after the dialogue. When writing dialogue, the word 'said' (and any replacements, such as 'asked') should not be capitalised afterwards either. As for the concept of the story itself, there's nothing particularly offensive about it. It's actually quite an interesting concept, but I will say that the dialogue is very wooden.
8045031 There's nothing wrong with two of Fluttershy
8045158 that because that parts is the errors fool!
So when there be a sequel?
8045186 Wow, just a joke mate.
8045186 You guys do remember what jokes are, right?
8045192 Only if I get enough demands for a sequel.
8045339 how much of demands?
Ok here. I demand a sequel. I don't actually demand it but it would be cool.
8045359 Enough where it would leave a positive impression (so around 5-10)
8045041
I don't want to sound like a jerk, but this needs to be said.
You need to do a major rewrite of this story because it has tons of grammar issues! Here's just one of them!
They continue to listen to Sunset as she divides them into groups.
Seriously! Don't make me point out every mistake! Look through your entire story and see all the numerous errors you've made!
I'm not gonna read past the first chapter until you give this story a massive rewrite!
8045602
Seriously! This story needs a complete, top-to-bottom overhaul by someone fluent in the English language.
The grammar issues are so bad and pervasive that I can't in good conscience give this story a thumbs-up vote, despite its intriguing premise.
So... A bird and a snake, now a Cat and a fish...
Now I have this " I should eat you up vibe " 
Just some more incentive to work on your grammar: I noticed some mistakes in the description, came down to the comments, saw people saying that the story has serious grammatical issues, and have decided based on that not to read the story. I doubt I'll be alone in this.
I'll be happy to come back and give it a read when it won't send an English teacher into despair on sight.
8045945 I don't blame you.
NNNNIIIIICCCCEEEEEE!
Love to see this continue on.
8046256
I like the premise of the story and I find it interesting, I really do, but I'm not gonna enjoy it if you write like an 8 year-old!!!
If you don't blame us and understand, then REWRITE THIS!!!
PS If you do understand and rewrite this, tell us that you're revising so that we don't nag at you from the comment section every hour.
8046880 I just ran all the chapters through Microsoft Word and fixed all of the mistakes that it detected. I'm sorry for any anger that I may have caused you. So please don't leave any comments that legitimately frighten me (seriously, that comment litterally spooked me for some reason. Maybe it was Fluttershy's and Twilight's angry faces).
8047322
Thank you!
By the way, you still missed a few mistakes.
Here's one from chapter 1.
put her arm around Fluttershy's shoulder.
You fixed the dialogue, but there's still some errors I can see. That's not to say there hasn't been an improvement in the grammar. I'm just saying you seemed to have overlooked a few.
So my suggestion is go through all the chapters yourself and fix every mistake you find, don't have a program do a quarter of the work.
8047322 u need an editor
8045602
He left out 4-5 words.
He obviously didn't even edit because this is just a quickie.
Calm the fuck down and read.
I won't try to tell you to do a major rewrite, just a tip for better writing in the future. I notice you seem to swap between tenses a lot and it makes for awkward reading. Example "But sometimes, they do FOUND a magical object that is causing a commotion and they acted swiftly to stop them." With the way it's written I think it ought to be "But sometimes they do FIND." At the same time it seemed to be in a past-tense context so you'd change the sentence to "But sometimes, they would find a magical object causing a commotion and swiftly act to stop it." I dunno, it just kind of bugged me while reading. Cool story though =3
When is the sequel?
I think it would be great if they found a way to use / control the monster magic.
please keep up the great work.
i would also read a sequel from you, maybe with more girls or maybe some boys and then see, how are there affected by the magic, would be fun
but was indeed a good story from you
8045339
please
sequel