There is a severe amount of tense confusion going on here. Half of the first chapter is written in the past tense and half is in the present, often changing in the same sentence. You need to pick one and stick with it. The dialogue punctuation is also incorrect. When writing dialogue, it should look like this:

"Dialogue," said person.

The part you keep forgetting is the comma after the dialogue. When writing dialogue, the word 'said' (and any replacements, such as 'asked') should not be capitalised afterwards either. As for the concept of the story itself, there's nothing particularly offensive about it. It's actually quite an interesting concept, but I will say that the dialogue is very wooden.

8045031 There's nothing wrong with two of Fluttershy

8045158 that because that parts is the errors fool!

So when there be a sequel?

8045186 Wow, just a joke mate.

8045186 You guys do remember what jokes are, right?

8045192 Only if I get enough demands for a sequel.

8045339 how much of demands?

A sequel will only if there is enough demand for it.

Ok here. I demand a sequel. I don't actually demand it but it would be cool.

8045359 Enough where it would leave a positive impression (so around 5-10)

8045602
Seriously!  This story needs a complete, top-to-bottom overhaul by someone fluent in the English language.

The grammar issues are so bad and pervasive that I can't in good conscience give this story a thumbs-up vote, despite its intriguing premise.

Just some more incentive to work on your grammar: I noticed some mistakes in the description, came down to the comments, saw people saying that the story has serious grammatical issues, and have decided based on that not to read the story. I doubt I'll be alone in this.
I'll be happy to come back and give it a read when it won't send an English teacher into despair on sight.

8045945 I don't blame you.

Love to see this continue on.

8046256
If you don't blame us and understand, then REWRITE THIS!!! I like the premise of the story and I find it interesting, I really do, but I'm not gonna enjoy it if you write like an 8 year-old!!!

PS If you do understand and rewrite this, tell us that you're revising so that we don't nag at you from the comment section every hour.

8046880 I just ran all the chapters through Microsoft Word and fixed all of the mistakes that it detected. I'm sorry for any anger that I may have caused you. So please don't leave any comments that legitimately frighten me (seriously, that comment litterally spooked me for some reason. Maybe it was Fluttershy's and Twilight's angry faces).

8047322
Thank you!

By the way, you still missed a few mistakes.

Here's one from chapter 1.

put her arm around Fluttershy shoulder

put her arm around Fluttershy's shoulder.

You fixed the dialogue, but there's still some errors I can see. That's not to say there hasn't been an improvement in the grammar. I'm just saying you seemed to have overlooked a few.

So my suggestion is go through all the chapters yourself and fix every mistake you find, don't have a program do a quarter of the work.

8047322 u need an editor

When is the sequel?
I think it would be great if they found a way to use / control the monster magic.
please keep up the great work.

i would also read a sequel from you, maybe with more girls or maybe some boys and then see, how are there affected by the magic, would be fun

but was indeed a good story from you

8045339
sequel please