After a major dispute with her queen, a lone female Changeling is banished from her home and forced to be on her own.
She eventually runs into Ponyville where she transforms herself into a random pony citizen to blend in. She ends up running into residents and makes some new friends while exploring.
But then she accidentally runs into a certain young dragon... one who had caught her eye during the invasion of Canterlot.
-My first romance story; but don't expect a clop-fic from me anytime soon, cause I would suck at those.
(In this story, Chrysalis calls her minions by number; please don't ask how she knows who is who.)
The more appropriate artwork to the side is all thanks to 'Tsubaki Rehooved'
Chapters (13)
I...i thought that a chancelin had no gend- know what? Screw that, shall read.
Pretty good. Could use some work, maybe more showing versus telling, but who am I kidding, I make that mistake myself. I like it.
Good start! I shall be watching this.
No major grammar or spelling errors from what I could see.
Keep it up!
4/5 Big Mac's
i'm liking this so far. can't wait to read more.
857126 GENIUS!!!
And the story?
can not wait for more
More Changeling romance! And a way to pair up Spike! Me gusta
Please do more.
857562
This is my first romance fic, so based on my # of followers already, here's hoping that I can keep it good.
Actually, scratch that, I will keep it good!
Ima tack and see what happens
Hmm, so far I think that it is a bit overrated by the above commenters. We all love our changelings, this is true. I highly recommend, however, that you acquire a prereader if you have not already done so. I found the paragraph breaks to be inadequate in separating the text, making it difficult to read. I also think that the general tone of the narration is too non-descriptive and plain. Certain clauses in said narration are redundant in places, as well.
Here's an example: "Chrysalis became overly furious about one of her minions insulting her in such a manner."
Everything after "furious" is redundant; it is not necessary that the reader be informed of this, because they have just witnessed the aforementioned minion dissing the crap out of the Queen for themselves and do not need to be told that after the fact. There is, however, a way to work with this (I will get to that later).
Now let's look at the "meat" of the sentence: "Chrysalis became overly furious." Now this is where the lack of description shows, and it tells me that you may have added the redundant clause as a way of padding it out (I mean no offense by this; everypony who writes is guilty of padding sentences, myself included). What I, as the reader, would like to know is this: What does an overly furious changeling queen look like? How did 487's peers react in the immediate aftermath of her outburst?
A cardinal rule of creative writing is "show, don't tell." You have told us that Chrysalis became overly furious, but we may have trouble visualizing this. I want to know what the Queen did that allows you to say she was furious before she even turned around. Something like body language or mannerisms. Now this might be headcanon on my part, but as bombastic and irritable as Queen Chrysalis is, I think that an evil attention-seeker like her would be a mix of stunned and enraged, which could make her initial reaction very quiet, but just as dramatic and fear-inducing.
Here is an example of what I am looking for:
The dark queen's eyes widened, then narrowed as she cast a glare of steel back at the upstart warrior, who remained defiant despite her growing feeling of dread. "What did you say to me?" she murmured, barely audible even to those closest to her.
"I...I..." stammered 487, the full realization of what she had just done finally penetrating through the haze of anger that had clouded her judgment.
"How dare you," Chrysalis rasped, "How dare you!" The Changeling Queen whirled around and drew herself to full height. Her gnarled scythe of a horn glowed with a sickly green aura as she hoisted the soldier into the air with crushing force, causing 487 to gasp for breath. "You insolent little brat! You would raise your voice to your queen? You have forgotten your place, 487, and you shall pay for your irreverence!"
See? We now have a much better idea of what overly furious looks like, and one sentence has been drawn out to over a paragraph. This can be applied to the rest of the story as well. Just look for fat to trim away, then focus on improving the vital plot points that remain. I like the concept of this story, and that cover image was adorable. You have my support in writing this.
859161
I believe you mean #457
But I agree with what is being said. There are also some things that I don't quite agree with as far as logistics go, and I'm pretty sure timberwolves eyes were yellow, not green. One thing I would change instantly is instead of calling her "young changeling" all the time, just use "number 457" if it is technically her name.
With that said, I'm interested in seeing where this goes.
can't wait for more
859161
You definitely do care about my writing. However I thought how I did it sounded emotional enough, but after what you said maybe I should take another look at my first chapter.
But nonetheless, this is one story I'm going to work really hard on to make sure it really good; especially after seeing all the faves.
860502 Excellent! This story has potential, and it pleases me to see effort.
Just as an aside, I find it hard to believe that a changeling--even a powerful one--would be able to mimic an Ursa Major. Even if she could, it would cause quite a stir in Ponyville, if not most of Equestria. Assuming a changeling can mimic other species besides ponies, a manticore would be more realistic. Personally, I would go with a zombie pony. =
nice story, cant wait for more, 7/10
860638
Good point; but in the story she was still a little far away from Ponyville, so no one noticed. But again, you make a good point.
Did anyone here happen to check out my first story on my page?
Just wondering since this one being shown so much love; and I haven't even set up the second chapter yet.
But hey, I not complaining.
Yay another story to add to my list
Great job till now I give it a 8.75/10 very good for a first but could use some improvements,I eagerly await the next chapter,
Signed:scarlet rider
God I hate auto-correct makes me do mistakes
...
Spike does not have charm he has SWAG
i.neoseeker.com/mgv/574321-Liege/321/54/spike_the_destroyer_by_johnjosecod3bwxzq_display.jpg
So much he wakes up covered in dragons and mares
img.ponibooru.org/_images/91e75e71df0ee7b8126794f10395c2a3/188031%20-%20female_dragons%20garble%20spike%20swag.jpg
img.ponibooru.org/_images/7c23f70b744df440becb8a0df5c4f6e7/159194%20-%20applejack%20fluttershy%20gang_rape%20Hubble%20imminent_rape%20mane_six%20pinkie_pie%20rainbow_dash%20rape%20rarity%20screencap%20spike%20twilight_sparkle.PNG
Like I said Swag
Damn cliffhangers
872113 Nah, he has both! CHARM and SWAG!
872240 DAM RIGHT!
Swaggin' dragon. Spike gets ALL the mares.
As before the errors were many and to be honest they DID interrupt the story. Maybe I'm just hypersensitive to English errors. But the worst offenders were tense problems and the lack of differentiation between internal thoughts and speech. Usually single quotation marks, italics or both indicate that.
*Reads Description*
"Hmm, I think I'll add that to my read later list"
*Later reads first two chapters*
Hehe, this is a nice story. It has the potential for a comedy tag.
Have a mustache.
872113>>872240>>872260
Man, you guys are hillarious!
872303
Wow, really?
Maybe I'll look at it again tomorrow or Monday.
Spike has swag and class
872572 Go raibh maith agat (Thank you. It's Irish, what're ya gonna do?)
872602
As I said, sensitivity to English errors. Maybe consider a pre-reader/editor.
A couple of things
1. Thoughts go in Italics not inside speech marks
2. You use too many ;
3. Is her name Dragon Heart or Dragonheart? The CMC call her Dragonheart but Pinkie called her Dragon Heart
874598
It's Dragon Heart. I will fix it.
Another changeling romance fiction, for me these are hard to find but,
I really do enjoy these kinds of romance fan fictions a lot.
I LOVE THEM! I REALLY, REALLY LOVE THEM!!
Now it is time to read this...:
God I am such a Romance Junkie when it comes to story's like this
I wonder if that's a problem for a guy who is only 19 years old
I wonder
I am really liking this story so far. I only have one suggestion that's prevalent and I needed to say it before I finished the chapter. Instead of using quotations to express thoughts, use italics and maybe even a '. It would make distinguishing thoughts and speech far easier for the reader and make your story far less confusing.
Also it seems that a lot of people don't like the older style of formatting you use on your story, where new paragraphs are distinguished with an indent, and prefer the newer style, where paragraphs are separated with a break. I find the newer style far easier to follow, but it doesn't concern me either way. As long as the story is good enough and flows properly I'm satisfied.
Anyway, great job on this story so far. I hope to see more.
894132
Why thank you.
Bro-hug! Um... you are a bro right?
895226 hells yea! *brohug*
i love it good job i cant wait for the next chapter!!! i was ganna comment on the whole "put thoughts in italics" thing but seems everyone has pointed it out but ethier way i love the story keep it up!
and for the swag of spike
Oh look, a story about changelings, and spike?
This should be good.
WALL, WALL OF TEXT.
ABORT, ABORT.
Haven't looked at the first word yet and it already looks interesting. Never seen a changeling fic with Spike before and the fact that said changeling's female just makes it more unique considering. I've actually seen fewer female changeling fics than I have male.
Relieved to see it's not a clopfic though. Fully expect to give it a thumb up in the future and favouriting immediately for easy access if something goes wrong.
EDIT; Finally gotten around to reading it. I like it, here's your thumb up. Curious to see if the mane 6 get involved. Alright, the only members of the 6 we have yet to see are Rarity and Dashie, here's hoping Dragonheart/457 meets them and the others soon enough.
Awesome story. I like the concept and really enjoyed these three chapters! I can't wait for more!
Elements of Harmony are capitalised, also you wrote it as Apple Bloom bag instead of Apple Bloom's Bag
Also, nice chapter :)
857126 Do you usaly rate stories with Big mac's?
If so rate my stories
-Mr. Carnage
She suddenly released a violent coughing fit before collapsing on the ground. "Could this be it," she thought to herself, "Am ... going to d-d-die..."
That 'i' needs capitalization.
Another thing that has me wondering, is how can something the size of a pony, turn into an Ursa Major?
EPIC WIN!!!!
A bit rushed but it got to where it was going well enough. Good story so far. I can't wait to see the first meeting between Dragon Heart and Spike.
921338
Think of it as a last minute attempt to use most of your power to save your own life. I mean they can turn into any creature, right?
921209 realy? almost all i have seen never specify if the changeling is male or female they just are there.
Hmm, you switched #186's name to #180 after the 2nd paragraph.