We Are Stars! Floosh! Shine, Young Backwards Baseball Cap!

by Super Trampoline

We are stardust, we are golden

Floosh! Flosh! Pish Posh Pash!

Twilight was not having a good day. Nwarm! Nwarm! The thundercats raged against the baracaded doors. "Please pony, let us in!" They begged. Begged and begged, the thunder cats begged. But Twilight was resolute. She knew the sweet siren lie of their velvet tongues was false. She knew, for she had learned the hard way, and now Rarity was dead.

Nwarm, Nwarm, Floosh! The thundercats raged on. Rage on, you tragic creatures of the sky!

Applejack, meanwhile, was angry. Rarity was dead, but more tragically, Apple Bloom was dead. Oh Apple Bloom, Apple Bloom, what sweet young filly. You would have gone so far. What tragedy! Who knew? Who truly knew what a thundercat could do? Who knew their bite would turn you white as your blood echoed away? I did not. Not I, not I! But lo, you are no more!

Oh cats, bad evil cats! Summoned by Discord, who we blame for everything. Shame, Discord, Shame! Shame be upon you, bringer of chaos.

You might be a human, reader, but you will die.

Just, alas, as poor Yorick died, so too did Rarity and Applebloom, and so to will you and I and every pony you've ever known and loved. It may be by electric thundercat electrocution, or by drowning, or by heart attack or colic, but we all die. But do those who never live ever die? A good question for imaginary horses.

Applejack readied the gattling gun. Uh oh, thundercats. Fly! Fly away. Fear the wrath! Fear the wrath of the Jack of Apples, for her anger is a vengeance filled one. You killed her sister with you thunder bite, oh cats. Why were you not bats or rats? Then perhaps you would be okay. But no, you are thundercats, and now the farming horse is mad.

Mad, mad, mad! She had a family, but now it is smaller yet again! She readies the gattling gun. She aims it out the window. She starts to turn the crank!

Bam!

Bam! Bam!

Bam Bam Bam!

BAMBAMBAMBAMBASMGVFAMGBVMAMBAABMASMBAMBMAB MABM ABMABMABM!!!
Crank go , Crank go!

Pew Pew Pew!

boom goes the gattling gun!
Dead go the cats!
dead, dead dead! Pew pew

Pew pew
pew pew

Posh pish cats cry
posh pish posh pish! Posh pish posh! They howl Howl Howl Howl in fear in terror in pain!

F l o osh and flush and flosh and flersh they wail, as the life drains from them in the rain of bullets! Oh thundercats, you only wanted to make thunder and bite ponies! Such a simple life you could lived. But now you can't, for in a matter of seconds, how many of you are mowed down like grass? How quickly you feel the lifeblood disappear. Oh cats, should we feel your pain? Is your pain less than that of Applejack? Of Sweetie Belle? Are you just cats, doomed to anonymous deaths by your sick creator Discord? Oh poor poor cats, you did not want this.

Oh Equestria, you wanted not this either. You did not want the the Windigoes. You did not want the sound gardens. And certainly, you did not want the thundercats. But lo, they are yours now. Will you survive?

Bloom Blosh Plish Flersh! The cats are all dead now. All the cats. All the cats are dead, for Applejack has killed them. The menace is over.

Oh no, so many dead cats litter the streets of Ponyville. Get it, Cat litter! Ha! Ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha! Have we no choice but to laugh at the absurdity of it all, when we are the ones still alive in this land of cats and now ponies? What cruelity, that we must laugh in this absurd world.

But Twilight laughs, for Discord's creations are dead, and she no longer must eat old ramen and book dust. She laughs for her dragon, who hid in the closet the entire time. She laughs in joy that patrons will check out books again, no longer menaced by the thundercats. She laughs a lot, the most she has in years, for Ponyville is free, is saved!

Twilight Steps outside, and the world is on fire.

Oh cats, whose bodies do combust, how many of you light the sky!

Who needs Luna?

Who needs Celestia?

All we need is Discord's cruel creations, the cats of thunder, that explode in orgasmic brilliance when they die. What a show, what a show! Let us live like they died, full of life, helping each other, and being friends. For you never know when your time will come. Rarity's came yesterday, the poor thing. But today a thundercat corpse falls on Cherry Berry and explodes. Oh Berry of Cherries, who will pilot your balloon now? Who, Who? Why were you too felled? Is there no method to this madness, no meaning to this arbitration of who lives and who dies? Oh Ponyville, wrestle! Wrestle with these questions, for someday if not the cats, then it shall be something else that terrorizes your peaceful town. You must be ready then for reckoning, though you be not ready now.

Twilight walks outside, and the sky is on fire, awash in the flame of exploding thundercats.

One lands at her feet. Floosh! Even in death, it flooshes. She sighs, and walks back inside, for it may be a few hours before her adopted hometown is safe again. How strange to think, even now, that she is a Canterlot girl through and through. She gets back inside and decides to wait half an hour before going out again. Half an hour passes.

Twilight walks outside, and the sky is on fire, awash in the flame of exploding thundercats.

One lands at her feet. Floosh! Even in death, it flooshes. She sighs, and walks back inside, for it may be a few hours before her adopted hometown is safe again. How strange to think, even now, that she is a Canterlot girl through and through. She gets back inside and decides to wait half an hour before going out again. Half an hour passes.

Twilight walks outside, and the sky is on fire, awash in the flame of exploding thundercats.

One lands at her feet. Floosh! Even in death, it flooshes. She sighs, and walks back inside, for it may be a few hours before her adopted hometown is safe again. How strange to think, even now, that she is a Canterlot girl through and through. She gets back inside and decides to wait half an hour before going out again. Half an hour passes.

Twilight walks outside, and the sky is on fire, awash in the flame of exploding thundercats.

One lands at her feet. Floosh! Even in death, it flooshes. She sighs, and walks back inside, for it may be a few hours before her adopted hometown is safe again. How strange to think, even now, that she is a Canterlot girl through and through. She gets back inside and decides to wait half an hour before going out again. Half an hour passes.

Twilight walks outside, and the sky is on fire, awash in the flame of exploding thundercats.

One lands at her feet. Floosh! Even in death, it flooshes. She sighs, and walks back inside, for it may be a few hours before her adopted hometown is safe again. How strange to think, even now, that she is a Canterlot girl through and through. She gets back inside and decides to wait half an hour before going out again. Half an hour passes.

Twilight walks outside, and the sky is on fire, awash in the flame of exploding thundercats.

One lands at her feet. Floosh! Even in death, it flooshes. She sighs, and walks back inside, for it may be a few hours before her adopted hometown is safe again. How strange to think, even now, that she is a Canterlot girl through and through. She gets back inside and decides to wait half an hour before going out again. Half an hour passes.

Twilight walks outside, and the sky is on fire, awash in the flame of exploding thundercats.

One lands at her feet. Floosh! Even in death, it flooshes. She sighs, and walks back inside, for it may be a few hours before her adopted hometown is safe again. How strange to think, even now, that she is a Canterlot girl through and through. She gets back inside and decides to wait half an hour before going out again. Half an hour passes.

Author's Note:

Comments

[Toby Orn-atobe]

Hmm

I think I understand it all clearly now

I have gone mad
Thanks for all the fish

[Super Trampoline]

this story, basically

[FanOfMostEverything]

Don't do drugs, kids.

[Door Belle]

What the fuck?

[Wanderling]

Rarity was vaguely aware that she was babbling as they cantered towards the Castle of Friendship. She supposed it was the shock. To have such a wonderful afternoon marred in this way by an accidental poisoning of all things! Why, anypony in her position would have been equally aghast.

"Oh, I am so glad I didn't take the tea," she said, probably for the seventh time. "To think what would have happened to young Apple Bloom...!"

It was too awful to consider.

"Small bodies are so vastly more affected by dangerous substances, after all. Oh, I hope Spike was able to corral them..."

The paramedics stayed silent. They'd replied three times already. Rarity didn't slow down as they approached the doors, but instead flung them open as soon as they came within her telekinetic range. She dithered for a moment in the hall, prancing in place. The paramedics almost barrelled into her.
"Ah, ah, so many similar corridors!" Her ears flicked. There was a distant clanging noise, and a drakish shout. She darted to the left. "This way, quickly!"

Now that the unicorn had gained her bearings, she led the paramedics through a number of twists and burst into the kitchen where the day had gone so horribly wrong. Applejack was in the corner, a spoon in her mouth, tapping it viciously against the crystalline walls. Bubbles of laughter spilled from around the spoon's handle, from between clenched teeth, and the orange mare's eyes were unfocused and glowing a mildly alarming shade of puce. She was muttering something muffled by the spoon at every blow... for all intents and purposes it sounded like 'pew pew pew'.
Spike had Twilight's tail in his claws, and was doing his best to pull the alicorn away from an open flame that was burning in the middle of the room. Its source seemed to a wooden breadboard, and Twilight's equally puce-emitting eyes were staring directly into it. A purple hoof reached forward. The dragon yanked the tail. Hooves slid back over the smooth floor with a grating noise that Rarity could feel in her jawbone. Twilight frowned sadly. "Floosh."

The paramedics took it all in. Sighed in harmony. Then one of them snatched up the jug of water on the table and doused the flames. Twilight tilted her head. "...Floosh?"

"Are they going to be alright?" Spike wrung his hands together, and glanced at Rarity. "Is Apple Bloom okay?"

"Oh yes, Spikey-Wikey. She only had half a cup and they have her in recovery now," Rarity watched one of the paramedics approaching Applejack, who had somehow abandoned her spoon in favour of a small bag of potatoes. A potato flew through the air and hit the wall on the opposite side of the room. "The most difficult part here will be to get them to agree to go to the hospital while in this state."

"A survivor! You'll nevER TAKE ME ALIVE!" Applejack screeched suddenly, adressing the empty air to the left of the paramedic. She bit down on one of the raw potatoes, and then brandished it at the space-to-the-left-of-the-paramedic. "See how ya like my grenade! I'm takin' ya down with me, ya varmint cat sonuva queen!"

Applejack leapt forwards, wrestling with an invisible foe. Then her body jerked.
"Dang..." she whispered. "Jus' enough time left t'know I'm right done fer... accursed grenade jus' weren't s-strong en-enough..."
She lay still.

There was a moment of silence. The paramedic prodded her.

"I think she just hallucinated dying," the paramedic said, one eyebrow raised. "At least she'll be easier to take back to the hospital."

Twilight, in the meantime, had begun to cry softly. "It's all gone. The floosh has consumed it. I was foalish!"

The other paramedic made shushing sounds and patted the princess' back. "There there, why don't you come with us?"

"Are we going to replace it?" Puce eyes blinked up at the paramedic.

"Yes, sure, just come with me." The paramedic's voice was soothing, and soon enough both Twilight and Applejack were on their way to Ponyville General.

Spike and Rarity stared at the teapot. It shone back at them rather innocently. And puce-ly. The teapot had been blue, to begin with.

"I suggest," said Rarity. "That you go back to the store-brand blends."

Spike nodded. "And I probably need to tell Ember that the Traditional Dragon Tea-Crystals shouldn't be given to ponies. Ever."

"Wise." Rarity said.

There was a long pause. Rarity stared at the five teacups. She hadn't had a sip.

"Wait." Rarity said. The unicorn gulped. Spike raised an eyebrow.

"Where," she said, cringing slightly. "Is Starlight Glimmer?"

The castle began to vibrate.

......

Honestly though... what... what did I just read?

[Door Belle]

7861741

Ah, so this is where that green thumb goes.

[Cynewulf]

What is this come out of the desert
This strange acid fueled vision
That wears a tiny fedora
Ranting at the animals
And preaching the rocks

[st6nbones]

THIS IS THE MOST RANDOM THING IVE EVER SEEN
ALMOST AS RANDOM AS PINKIE PIE

[Pony writer]

You are an asset to humanity.

[re- Yamsmos]

Fuck's sake.

[BoringChaos]

What the fck did I just read?

[Super Trampoline]

7861741 you are the hero we need. Definitely submitting this to Horizon's "never the final word" collection.

Floosh.

[Wanderling]

7861747

*winks* Or something.

7862589

Oh, cool! Glad you approve of it, heh.

Floosh.

[Merula]

*Sigh* See people, this is what happens when Super Trampoline finds yet another stash of drugs

[Cuber Snuggles]

Remember when I said random doesn't equal funny? I take that back. You have a very special type of randomness that allows you to bypass that rule. Write on Super Trampoline! Write on!

[Super Trampoline]

7863044 this was mostly sleep deprivation, tbh.

[Super Trampoline]

7863526 u 2 bby

[PresentPerfect]

You done forgot to close yer size tags, son. :B Also, what the fuck.

[Super Trampoline]

7866655 you're right, but I left those in on purpose when I realized. It's called... shit I can't remember what that A E S T H E T I C is called

[PresentPerfect]

7867382
I'm actually not surprised :B so is this vaporwave

[videoWatcher]

And now, to summarize this fic in 3 words: huge drug trip.

This has been the fourth ever videoWatcher (me, obviously) 3-word summary of a pony oneshot on this site. Maybe somebody will end up seeing another on some other pony oneshot at some later point, idk.

P.S.: i think my brain is leaking out of my ears why does it feel so good

[Super Trampoline]

7868535 what were the other two? Also you should probably see a doctor

[videoWatcher]

7874470

The other two? Hold on...

*goes to check*

They are, in reverse order, Good Advice Guy and Important News... From The Future! Further checking also informs me that this is, in fact, the fourth fic I did, not the third. The actual third is The Laser Pointer. I shall edit my original comment on this story to reflect that particular turn of events as soon as I can. As for the thing with my brain, I just like saying stuff like that when it comes to mind-screwy fics that I read.

[Damer76]

Uh...
sonicmoremusic.files.wordpress.com/2014/06/trout-mask-replica-501d04ad4c085.jpg?w=940&h=198&crop=1
wot?

[Hap]

W — H — A — T

t h e

E V E R L I V I N G

F — U — C — K

H A V E — I — J U S T

p u t — i n t o

m y

B R A I N — C H U T E

F A C E — H O L E S ?

[Super Trampoline]

7885802 thanks Hap, you made me laugh.

also I don't know

[Hap]

7890412 I think this style may work, if you'd like to add to the canon of the Cult of Lickyflitter.

[Super Trampoline]

7890532 I smell a sharktavia crossover brewing ? ?

[SmugKitsune]

7861741
I'm dying