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It was one of the worst days in Equestria's story. We fought. They could not stop us, and so we fought. The war was long but this was the worst. They say it will never happen again, but I know now that it was just another storm in the middle of the ocean.
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Um, so, this has nothing to do with MLP.
I'm not one for focusing on little details, so on the whole I don't really have an issue with any sentence phrasing or grammar issues (I don't generally like combing through things for mistakes) but as a story, it's really hard for me to get invested in it. There is no real context to this story and barely anything linking it to MLP aside from somewhat pony-ish names.
I don't really have anything strongly against this story, but there's not really much positive to say about it either. If someone was to come and ask me about it, I wouldn't be able to tell them about the characters (who probably wouldn't have had time to grow much anyway in around 1K words even if they weren't faceless generic soldiers), the setting (which is incredibly vague) or the story (where all that happens is a guy sends a letter and, presumably, dies a bit).
At best, it provides some reflection on similar trench warfare that occurred in the early 20th century, but without being able to connect to the characters (due to knowing close to nothing about them) I feel it fell rather flat.
That's my two pennies, anyway. I still think that, for an 'MLP fanfiction' more should have been attempted to make it stand out as, well, an MLP fanfiction or else just publish it on an original fiction website, but even if I ignore that, it's still somewhat forgettable.
7726331 Alone it doesn't seem like it has anything to do with MLP, but there is a tie in to my other stories here, albeit that's not explicitly stated.
You assessment's fair, though I will say that it's not meant to be remembered for its characters or plot, but rather an exploration of feeling. There's a lot more literature that just story-telling fantasy books, and I wanted to emulate these other forms of literature. Poetry, for example, was one major influence for how I wrote this, as well has historical literature and historical documentation.
Finally, I wrote this as if it were letters sent from war back home. I could have added commentary or analysis to provide context, yet I really wanted to keep up the image that these were primary documents of history.
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Now, again to be fair, I think that's a 100% cool objective. If you want to explore a feeling, go for it: that's great.
However, I would recommend trying to make that feeling accessible to more people by providing them with something concrete to latch onto. Simply writing more letters would work wonders for this, as you'd be able to translate more personality through the letters as you'd have more words to work with. You'd be able to provide more background (even if it's just the characters daily life) through more letters, as well as tangibly link it to MLP in this story (not rely on other stories).
Or maybe I'm wrong! Wouldn't be the first time. Who knows?