• Member Since 1st Sep, 2015
  • offline last seen Apr 9th, 2017

The Minister of Scones

"You can use that cupboard over there labelled 'Good French Things'. It's empty."


This story is a sequel to Somepony Tries to Sell Twilight Insurance

Ponies were very surprised when Jackpot Enterprises' managing director, Crystal Jackpot himself, started allowing Ponyville's richest residents to insure their properties with his company - not least because the last thing anypony ever expected was that Jackpot Enterprises would do something enterprising. However, they were even more surprised when a crippling blow was dealt the idea by none other than Princess Twilight Sparkle.
Not only did she not have her castle insured: she also urged every single one of her friends - her rich, powerful friends - not to take insurance out either. Nopony would suggest that Jackpot was a resentful stallion - nopony who didn't want to find himself homeless within the week, anyway - but it was, all the same, surprising for Twilight when just about everypony she knew took out insurance against, er, her.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 82 )

Jackpot can suckit!!!

The answer is simple: bankrupt the company by destroying Ponyville. Repeatedly.

7708179 Now, would Twilight do a thing like that? Let's just be grateful it wasn't Pinkie Pie...

7708164 That's fighting talk, sir!

She doesn't even have to do anything, really: The policy covers any accident she is involved with, whether or not she's the cause. If something comes ambling out of the Everfree, she can just get ponies to safety and not even bother with trying to stop the 50-foot whatever.

And when ponies inevitably ask why she didn't try to stop it? "Why do you care? You're insured, aren't you?"

7708239 Tells it like it is.

Jackpot is, predictably, best worst pone.

7708239 *remembers Lesson Zero* Yes. Yes it does.

So, lets see.. Premiums will go up in about 2 weeks thanks to the next monster attack, probably around 5K bits a year?

Thus say all of town claims act of Twilight thanks to the fact monster attacked and destroyed property. Assuming they were smart, could mean 80K bits or more coming back to them in damages, even if it were closer to = for it. That will ring alarm bells I'm sure, but what happens when they send someone out to make sure there were no fraud and monster attacks during it?

"..Sir, we should quit while we're ahead. Ponyville will bleed us dry or we start losing customers for not being able to pay up the insurance."

Jackpot may not be a rich stallion for too long after this.

well, he's going bankrupt

I am already looking forward to the revenge Twilight will get from this. Poor thing though. That is incredibly evil.
Now, if also Celestia insured her castle... no. No, don't. That would be way, WAY too evil. Besides, she's not even in Ponyville so yeah.

7708317 But could Twilight stand idly by and watch as her friends houses were crushed underfoot/hoof/claw/talon/paw? We'll have to wait and see...
7708381 Award self three hippie points, oh flowered one.
7708393 Of course. Jackpot didn't get where he is today without being best worst pone.
7708413 Clue's in the story's title. Dat girl gone learned her lesson.
7708478 The contracts, though they don't look it to the untrained eye, are riddled with loopholes, including one stating that Jackpot pays nothing if the insurees have had manecuts in the last week, if any china dolls were destroyed, and if there's an 'r' in the month.
7708687 You fail to appreciate just how rich Jackpot is. He's very rich. Stupidly rich. He could buy Ponyville tomorrow if that were, um, legal.
7708715 Evil is as evil does.

7708750 It's Ponyville. It's the disaster capital of Equestria. They'll find a way to destroy him. And honestly, since Jackpot just upgraded himself to Friendship Breaker, I REALLY REALLY REALLY want to see him ****ing humiliated, brought low, and destroyed. Like, Celestia melts his face destroyed.

7708781 Blimey. What happened to the spirit of redemption?

7708793 I have little patience for corporate scum. I'd take Discord or Tirek or Chrysalis or Sombra or the Dazzlings or... hell, even pre-redemption Starlight over him.

Prolly be best under Discord though. Wouldn't be boring, at any rate.

Plus, he technically made Twilight's friends turn against her. I HATE THAT.

7708800 Well, I was going to have him erradicated by a convenient alien scout party, but I think now I'll just have him ascend to Mount Olympus. :trollestia:

7708812 Nuuuu... I will smack you about the head and chops with a cheese-filled biscuit!

7708750 how is it illegal to walk up to every pony and make an offer?

7708819 Observe my account name. My full title includes the phrase "with special jurisdiction over savoury biscuits." Your twice-cookeds are as nothing compared to my might.
7708832 Large chunks of Ponyville are legally the property of Celestia herself. That's how Equestria organises her public buildings. It would be against the Equestrian Constitution for the reigning monarch to sell them.

7708882 I will not be denied my comedic vengeance!

(In all seriousness, I'm looking forward to see how Jack(ass)pot gets beaten, hopefully in a satisfying manner.)

My object all sublime
I shall achieve in time:
To let the punishment fit the crime,
The punishement fit the crrrime!

Don't worry, it'll be suitably ironic.


That's going to bite him in the end I imagine.

Mmmmm wouldn't the 'Act of Twilight'.. somewhat be Slander to Celestia and Luna?

It's literally destroying her good name with her friends, as well as making sure that likely the town is too.

Oooo, Jackpot doesn't see the writing on the wall when 'One of our Greatest Means of Defense' is taken out..

7709048 Jackpot doesn't give a toss about defence. He's more worried about money. If Equestria does get invaded, its 10 to 1 on that he'll find a way to profit from it.

7709090 Acts of twilight who bout acts of rainbow dash the amount of times she crashes into buildings

Twi all i have to say is grab a deck chair set it on your balcony pour yourself a margarita sit back and enjoy your vacation and just laugh the next time the shit hits the fan

7709090 how will he react when his assets are seized

Ha! I am so happy to see you actually took me by my word there. That will be a thing alright.

7710031 Based on other misunderstandings of the previous story's title, the next one should probably be called Somepony Tries to Sell Twilight. But I wouln't go that far. Would I? :pinkiecrazy:
Also, check out my new story! It's the best thing in the world. Not a guarantee.

Haha, well, guess I'm hooked. Curious to see how this gets flipped on him (I'm hoping for hilariously), or if it does at all.


"what in Equestria is going on?" This new princess, er..."

I think you have one to many quotation marks in there.

7710201 Thanks, fixed. And don't worry. I didn't get where I am today without knowing how to hillariously flip a storyline.

This is interesting, but I don't think the insurance people quite realize how badly this is gonna backfire on them,

They've just engineered the mother of all Twilight freakouts. I suspect Twilight is going to obliterate the town, and all of a sudden Crystal Jackpot is going to find that he has millions to deck out in "Twilight" insurance and he's going to go bankrupt and end up working at a greasy hayburger join.

Hell, Twilight could get so deppressed that the next monster of the week will come through and just destroy everything and Twilight won't care enough to stop it because the entire town and even her friends didn't bother. I bet that fucking Twilight insurance is going to be real nice whenever the entire town finds that Jackpot won't pay for something that Twilight didn't cause and realize how screwed they are and how horribly they've treated Twilight.

Also, Twilight is a princess and leader of the fucking country and long time friends with the other leaders of the country.. Just saying she has a few connections to make Jackpot's life a living hell.

7711173 Stay tuned, oh skeptical one. All these questions - and more - will be addressed in the next thrilling installment! Same bat-time - same bat-channel!

Huh...thought this was a comedy and slice-of-life fic... *checks tags again* Weird, it does not show up the Sad tag. Whelp, nothing left to it. *dons shades* I at least am going to enjoy the ensuing disaster courtesy of Twilight/lack-of-Twilight.

7711844 I considered giving it the sad tag, but I don't think that side of things will last too long. Twilight's made of sterner stuff. Assuming flesh, bone and lilac fur can be classified as stern.

You're right... She is made of sterner stuff! There shall be no sad ending to this tale! CUE THE INSPIRING MUSIC!

Any second now...

Okay, so my lawyer informed me I have used up my allotted Transformers The Touch music references for the month... Well buggah. Ummm, someone queue up something awesome?

As the creator of this tale, I technically have jurisdiction... but I don't think I've got anything inspiring.

7708793 It realized this guy was worse than the Flim Flam brothers. :twilightangry2:

7713674 You may have a point there. He doesn't even sing.

So, what would happen if Jackpot looks in the mirror while being cross right after seeing a third pony?

Nice story.
Still remembering the original.
I'm curious what will happen next.

Found an small error:

For Celestiassakes,

You are probably missing a space here somewhere.

i keep imagining something like this:
Twilight walks into the boardroom and says, "so, do YOU have insurance?"
Jackpot yells, "what? how did you get past security?"
a board member sheepishly replies, "you fired all the guards."

Plot armor!

Twilights friends wouldn't buy that insurance and tell her she wasn't allowed to visit them anymore. That's just not like them.

7955635 That sounds like the perfect plan.

Or maybe she buys out Jackpot's company?

Or enlists the help of our insurancepony-turned-poet?

About halfway through his rant to the board of directors, he started sounding like J. K. Simmons as J. Jonah Jameson in my head. Now, that's what he sounds like all the time. :twilightsheepish:

7956010 Actually, all she'd have to do is send a nicely worded letter to Jackpot, educating him about what would happen to the value of his company if she were unfortunately unavailable to save a town, say, in the case of monster attack, or an invasion of Changelings, or an act of Discord... Or pretty much anything else, really. After all, the new policy does include major events which don't include Twilight. Jackpot's little revenge ploy could wind up costing him his shirt when the policies all come due all at once.

Now, seeing as Twilight herself is too nice to actually do anything like that personally, she'll just have to keep doing her best to protect Equestria even in spite of Mr. Jackhole... er... pot, regardless of his actions. But as everypony knows, accidents do happen, and inevitably, it'll all come to roost in the insurance payments. Especially if the ponies in Ponyville act on the little advice she's just given them about how what constitutes an "Act of Twilight - not present" was never really defined... :twilightsmile:

Edit: Actually, after rereading that, I'm now thinking that if this happened, Twilight would owe Sunset something really special after, since this sounds like one of her plans more than something Twilight would come up with.

7956101 Nah. Think Cave Johnson but with more ego.

7956135 you sound like an evil mastermind.

i like it

7956135 Every time I decide what's going to happen next in this blasted story, some smart-Alec comes along and predicts it! It's not easy being spontaneous.

7956443 Heh. Don't worry about it! It's actually a lot of fun to read a chapter and realize that you called it ahead of time. :rainbowlaugh:

7957066 My current plan is just to sit back and let the comments section write the story for me. :trollestia:

Chapter title…lovely.

Limelight Debacle mare.

In another tale, he gets a dossier on Starlight Glimmer. Or Sunset Shimmer.










Twilight (error occurs multiple times)





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