• Published 9th Nov 2016
  • 2,496 Views, 83 Comments

Jackpot's Revenge - The Minister of Scones



Crystal Jackpot (The bounder!), richest pony in all Equestria, has decided to get revenge on Twilight Sparkle for crippling his insurance empire. How? By insuring the residents of Ponyville against Act of... Twilight.

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Somepony Tries to Sell 'Twilight-Insurance'

If you'd known him for long, you could usually tell when Crystal Jackpot was cross. There were various little clues, like the way he'd turn a shade of red that would put most tomatoes to shame, or how his voice would rise suddenly in pitch, or the fact that he'd tell every third pony he met that he was cross, then fire every fourth. It didn't matter whether that pony worked for him or not - the way he saw it, everypony would work for him sooner or later, and he was just firing them in advance to save time. He was, after all, very rich. He had once fired the Saddle-Arabian ambassador, and then, sure enough, a month later he had bought the embassy. The ambassador's resignation papers arrived in the post the next morning. Ponies knew not to argue with Jackpot. He could defeat any argument he understood, as well as most of the ones he didn't.

Today, though, he was very, very cross. Tomatoes across Equestria breathed sighs of relief as Jackpot's face turned from red to an exquisite shade of purple, then pink, then vivid white. He set down the report he'd just finished reading. "Well?" he asked.

Seated before him, dotted along the long, thin boardroom table like ticks on a dog's tail, were the members of the board. The members of the board said nothing. They had nothing to say. They had reached their current exhalted positions by having nothing to say, and ten years or more each in the business had allowed them to hone their singular skill to perfection. They also did nothing. They had nothing to do. Bitter experience had taught the members of the board that the curling, brown sandwiches that were sitting on the table on their little white plates tasted of brown. And curling-ness. The coffee (or it might have been tea) that was served in the little plastic cups was grey. Very grey. Drinking that tea (or it might have been coffee), thought the members of the board, would be too close to canibalism, so grey was it. For grey they were, in spirit if not in coat. The members of the board always upheld the strictest moral standards, whilst in public.

Realising with satisfaction that his hoof-picked board was going to remain nicely silent, Jackpot announced "I didn't get where I am today by losing money."

That was the only time the members of the board were supposed to say anything, so there was an enthusiastic mumble of "Of course not, Mr Jackpot."

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but losing money breaks me."

"Yes, Mr Jackpot."

Peering around, Jackpot noticed a young-ish lesser employee lurking nearby. "You!" he barked. "Clear out your desk!"

The employee looked startled. "But I... you mean I'm fired?"

"No. I want your desk cleared out. The standard of hygiene in these offices is appalling." A rumble of agreement came from the board. "Go now!" As the underling hurried off, Jackpot smiled to himself. He liked to keep ponies guessing. He turned to a security guard. "In five minutes, follow him to his office and fire him." He also liked firing ponies. He made a mental note to fire the guard later on. Better safe than sorry.

"Now then," he began, turning once more to the board, "what in Equestria is going on? This new princess, er..."

"Twilight Sparkle, sir," said his assistant, Miss Pepperclip.

"Exactly. Her. She has not only turned down our generous offer of insurance for her castle in, er..."

"Ponyville, sir."

"Exactly. She has also written long letters containing detailed explanations of why ponies shouldn't buy insurance, including diagrams and complex logistical arguments, and sent them to everypony she knows who has the capacity to buy insurance."

"That's right," said Miss Pepperclip. Some well-timed tutting emanated from the members of the board.

"Nonsense. Let me see these so-called 'arguments'." With a hint of trepidition, Miss Pepperclip passed him a sheet of paper. He scanned the first couple of lines. They read 'Taking the discrete random variable N to be the number of months after which your property is destroyed, you will find that N ~ Geo(p) where p is the average probability that your property will be destroyed in any given month, allowing for seasonal...' Jackpot put the paper down. "I can't possibly read this without my glasses," he complained.

"You're still wearing them from when you read the report," Miss Pepperclip wisely decided not to say. She had held the post of Jackpot's PA for over a month - a company record.

"And as a result, dozens of ponies have informed us that they will not be renewing their contracts next year. Unacceptable. We're not one of those dreadful firms that go around losing money left, right and wrong. Where is the pony responsible? Who sold her this insurance? Or rather, failed to sell her it?" Jackpot seethed. He took a long drag on his cigar, then let the smoke rush out of his mouth and upwards. Everypony else tried hard not to think of a volcano.

"That would be Ballpoint Smudge, sir. He's just hoofed in his resignation."

Jackpot looked surprised. "Resigned? Ridiculous. Neither Mrs Jackpot nor I have ever resigned." A faint murmur from the members of the board signified that they, too, had never resigned.

"Something about becoming a poet, sir. Says he doesn't want to sell insurance any more."

"Balderdash. Whoever heard of an insurance salespony who didn't want to sell insurance?" He paused, allowing the members of the board to figure out that they were supposed to laugh, and to do so. "Oxymoron in terms. He's obviously dead weight. I didn't get where I am today without recognising dead weight when I see it. Fire him."

"But..."

"But?"

"But... of course, sir."

"Now, I want you to get me everything we've got on this Limelight Debacle mare. I'm going to break her if it's the last thing I do. If she thinks she can cross Crystal Facet Jackpot and get away with it she's got another think coming. I didn't get where I am today by crossing Crystal..." Jackpot trailed off, unsure of himself. After a few seconds' pause, he continued "I know how mares think. Do you know how mares think?"

Miss Pepperclip was a little taken aback to realise that Jackpot was addressing her. She considered her options. "I couldn't possibly say, sir."

"I'm very glad to hear it."


Today, decided Twilight Sparkle, would be a good day.

She yawned, got up, and cleaned her teeth.

Not that yesterday hadn't been a good day. And the day before, come to think of it.

She showered and brushed her mane.

Not for the first time, Twilight considered what a great life she had.

She had a sensible breakfast, and headed outside. It was sunny, she realised. Good. She decided to spend some time with her friends - but with whom? Well, it had been a while since she'd seen Pinkie Pie; and in fact, they hadn't really spoken properly for a while. Yes, Pinkie it would be.

As she trotted towards Sugarcube Corner, it occurred to her that ponies were behaving oddly. Very oddly. For one thing, they were all crossing to the other side of the road when they saw her coming. Hmm. For another, they kept casting furtive glances in her direction and whispering. Hmm again. Well, she thought, it wasn't the first time she'd thought other ponies were acting unusually. She recalled that she'd spent several years of her life convinced that everypony else was antisocial and unfriendly. Perhaps it would be wise to give them the benefit of the doubt.



"Good morning, Mrs Cake," smiled Twilight. From the other side of the counter, Mrs Cake smiled back. It wasn't a very convincing smile, though, and even Twilight picked up on it. "Is everything okay?" she asked.

"Of course, dear!" insisted Mrs Cake - in possibly the jolliest voice Twilight had ever heard anypony use, giving her the distinct impression that her presence was making Mrs Cake feel a little awkward. "Can I help you with anything?"

"I was just wondering if you knew where Pinkie Pie would be," said Twilight, feeling a little awkward herself. "This is her day off, right?"

"Erm, yes, that's right!"

Like a killing blow to a cracked teapot, Mr Cake mercifully ended the conversation by walking in asking "Honey, about that new policy..." That was as far as he got before he noticed Twilight. Then he assumed the same expression as Mrs Cake, and said "Twilight! How lovely to see you out and about again!"

"Yes, I just finished my universal index of my books of avian molluscs last night." Twilight felt distincly unwanted.

"Well, how..." Mr Cake gazed frantically at his wife for support.

"How... lovely!" she finished for him.

The fixed expressions borne by the bakers were starting to put Twilight in mind of a pair of crazed psycho-ponies, and she wanted to stop looking at them as soon as equinely possible. She was also getting sick of the implicit exclamation marks on the end of every single one of their sentences. So she said "Actually, I was hoping to see Pinkie Pie. Today..."

Mr and Mrs Cake exchanged 'we should tell her' glances.

"The thing is, Twilight," began Mr Cake, sounding more embarrased than a cactus at a group-hugging session, "we were sort of wondering if..."

"If you could maybe... shop someplace else," finished Mrs Cake.

Twilight narrowed her eyes in what she hoped was a 'trying to see the big picture' expression. "Mrs Cake, if there's anything the matter..."

But Mrs Cake, flushed as she was, interrupted with "It's just that things have been tough for small businesses lately, and when an opportunity like this comes up, we just have to, have to..."

"We insured the bakery against Act of Twilight!" said Mr Cake in a rush, so that the words piled out of his mouth and ran for cover, upset at their own existence.

"Act of... me?"

"Please try to understand, sweetie. Every four days or so a great big Cacophanox or Vampony or Samiad comes lumbering out of the forest, and you and your friends fight it off, and some poor building always gets caught in the crossfire, and it's not that we're ungrateful, but this new policy covers us against any and all 'accidents' you're involved with, whether you were the cause or not, so we can't afford not to take it up."

"And we get a huge discount on our premiums if we can prove that you rarely come in contact with our property," explained Mr Cake.

"I... see." Twilight let her confusion show. She felt utterly... what? Not betrayed, exactly, but definitely not very pleased.

"Believe me, we woudn't ask you to do this if we didn't care about you," Mrs Cake assured her.

"Actually, I don't think that's- Ouch!" Mr Cake wilted under his wife's glare. "I mean, of course not, Twilight. You do understand, don't you?"

"And we'll still see you around. Think of it as temporary, until the economy's in a slightly better state."

"Oh, um, okay. I understand." Crushed. That was the word. Twilight felt Crushed. And she'd felt crushed before, but normally because of something she'd done wrong. Here, she hadn't done anything except be herself. It hurt.

Twilight found herself out on the street, without really remembering how she'd got there. She supposed she must have slunk out. Then she recalled that she'd wanted to visit Pinkie - but somehow the prospect seemed rather lacklustre now. She decided to wander around for a while. A bit of fresh air, that was the answer. And as the Cakes had said, this was only a temporary arrangement. She really did understand.


The more mentally distinguished amongst my readers have doubtless figured out the exact nature of Jackpot's Revenge. Suffice it to say, then, that much the same thing happened in Quills & Sofas, Dolls' Houses & Gerbils and Houmous & Masonry. The following, for the sake of continuity, are excerpts from the respective conversations.

"It's mostly a tax thing, really."

...

"I was against it myself, but the wife was adamant."

...

"I'm sorry, but you've never expressed any interest in houmous or masonry before."


"...And besides, Rarity, we wouldn't even need mascaron ornaments on the farm!"

"And may I inquire why not? I think they would give the place a charmingly rustic feel."

"For Celestiassakes, Rarity, it's a farm! It's already charmingly rustic."

"It's certainly rustic..."

Much to her relief, Applejack spotted Twilight, seated on a park bench about ten paces ahead.

"Hey, Twilight!" Would ya mind helpin' us settle an argument?"

"It is not an argument, darling, it is a... dispute."

"The difference being?"

"Ponies of breeding do not argue. They engage in reasoned dispute."

"'Bout time you started being reasonable, then."

"I'll start being reasonable once you acquire some degree of clear diction!"

"Oh, back to the accent, huh? Out of arguments already?"

"They are not arguments! They're just... er... Applejack, dear, I can't help but notice that Twilight hasn't actually responded."

Twilight hadn't. Although they were almost right next to her now, she was still sitting on the same park bench, staring at nothing.

"You're right... fer once. She's quieter than a fieldmouse at a funeral."

"I don't know where you get them from..."

"Twilight, sugarcube, are you alright there?"

"Wha?" Twilight shook her head to clear it of thoughts of insurance, Crystal Jackpot and squirrels. She shuddered. That had been a disturbing daydream.

"Sugar, are you okay? You look kinda... off."

"Darling, you look like you've seen a ghost."

"Oh, uh, hi there," said Twilight, not feeling herself.

"You don't look yourself," observed Rarity, accurately.

Twilight decided not to bother her friends with her problem. Not until she'd had a proper think, anyway. She wondered vaguely what she would have said if she had been feeling herself. Eventually, she settled on "Um, books!" Rarity and Applejack looked unimpressed. "Colour-coding?" tried Twilight, but to no avail. The two seated themselves either side of Twilight.

"An' we ain't movin' till you tell us what in the hay's the matter," announced Applehat.

"Assuredly not."

Twilight winced, but then, realising that however bad things were, here were two ponies who would always love her, she relaxed. "I knew I could count on you girls."

"That's what we're here for," smiled Rarity.

So Twilight told them what had happened.

Oddly, it didn't have quite the effect Twilight had been expecting. Instead of looking sympathetic, her friends assumed expressions best described as... fazed. No, flustered. That was better. Applejack turned red and Rarity turned pink (which were roughly equivalent alterations in hue), and both broke out in sweats, although it wasn't too hot. In fact, for the sake of you weather-watchers out there, it was classic Ponyville 'just-right'.

Just as Twilight was reaching the Gerbil part of Dolls' Houses & Gerbils (which she felt sure was the more interesting part), Applejack broke in.

"Listen, Twilight, there's something Ah should probably tell ya."

"Mm. Me too," admitted Rarity.

"Oh. Well, go ahead," said Twilight, disappointed but not showing it.

"Now, Ah don't want you to take this the wrong way..."

"...Celestia forbid that you should misunderstand me, my dear..."

"...Ah did it for the family, really..."

"...and I do have Sweetie Belle as a dependent..."

"...we just can't afford any more barn-raisings - not this year, anyhow..."

"...dresses are our livelihood, and they are a trifle fragile..."

"...one bad harvest and we could go right under..."

"...and the policy does protect us against any disaster in which you were involved, even if it's not your fault..."

"...an' it's an awful lot cheaper if we can prove that you're not around the farm so often..."

"...and besides, I'm sure you've got plenty of clothes already..."

"...so we could always send apples up by mail, or somethin'."

Twilight's stomach, which had been feeling pretty dizzy recently, teetered, toppled, and plummeted.


"Oh, hey, Twilight!" said Spike, cheerfully, as Twilight trudged into one of her sitting rooms. "I just used a train set and a ton of ice-cream to simulate an avalanche." The little dragon rubbed his stomach proudly. "Educational and delicious! How's your day going?"

"So-so," said Twilight, and collapsed.





To be con-ti-nu-ned...

Author's Note:

And there it is. I don't quite know why I'm writing this, I just sort of am. Am I trying to relive past triumphs? Possibly. Will it work? No. I think, deep down, I just wanted to revisit Jackpot's character. He's such fun to write! Don't forget to upvote if you enjoyed this! It means the world to me, it really does.
Tatty-bye,
The Minister

P.s. Should you find yourself in need of other such silliness, here's another of mine, a certain Discord's New Job. Happy readings!

Comments ( 83 )

Jackpot can suckit!!!

The answer is simple: bankrupt the company by destroying Ponyville. Repeatedly.

7708179 Now, would Twilight do a thing like that? Let's just be grateful it wasn't Pinkie Pie...

7708164 That's fighting talk, sir!

7708179
She doesn't even have to do anything, really: The policy covers any accident she is involved with, whether or not she's the cause. If something comes ambling out of the Everfree, she can just get ponies to safety and not even bother with trying to stop the 50-foot whatever.

And when ponies inevitably ask why she didn't try to stop it? "Why do you care? You're insured, aren't you?"

7708239 Tells it like it is.

Jackpot is, predictably, best worst pone.

7708239 *remembers Lesson Zero* Yes. Yes it does.

So, lets see.. Premiums will go up in about 2 weeks thanks to the next monster attack, probably around 5K bits a year?

Thus say all of town claims act of Twilight thanks to the fact monster attacked and destroyed property. Assuming they were smart, could mean 80K bits or more coming back to them in damages, even if it were closer to = for it. That will ring alarm bells I'm sure, but what happens when they send someone out to make sure there were no fraud and monster attacks during it?

"..Sir, we should quit while we're ahead. Ponyville will bleed us dry or we start losing customers for not being able to pay up the insurance."

Jackpot may not be a rich stallion for too long after this.

well, he's going bankrupt

I am already looking forward to the revenge Twilight will get from this. Poor thing though. That is incredibly evil.
Now, if also Celestia insured her castle... no. No, don't. That would be way, WAY too evil. Besides, she's not even in Ponyville so yeah.

7708317 But could Twilight stand idly by and watch as her friends houses were crushed underfoot/hoof/claw/talon/paw? We'll have to wait and see...
7708381 Award self three hippie points, oh flowered one.
7708393 Of course. Jackpot didn't get where he is today without being best worst pone.
7708413 Clue's in the story's title. Dat girl gone learned her lesson.
7708478 The contracts, though they don't look it to the untrained eye, are riddled with loopholes, including one stating that Jackpot pays nothing if the insurees have had manecuts in the last week, if any china dolls were destroyed, and if there's an 'r' in the month.
7708687 You fail to appreciate just how rich Jackpot is. He's very rich. Stupidly rich. He could buy Ponyville tomorrow if that were, um, legal.
7708715 Evil is as evil does.

7708750 It's Ponyville. It's the disaster capital of Equestria. They'll find a way to destroy him. And honestly, since Jackpot just upgraded himself to Friendship Breaker, I REALLY REALLY REALLY want to see him ****ing humiliated, brought low, and destroyed. Like, Celestia melts his face destroyed.

7708781 Blimey. What happened to the spirit of redemption?

7708793 I have little patience for corporate scum. I'd take Discord or Tirek or Chrysalis or Sombra or the Dazzlings or... hell, even pre-redemption Starlight over him.

Prolly be best under Discord though. Wouldn't be boring, at any rate.

Plus, he technically made Twilight's friends turn against her. I HATE THAT.

7708800 Well, I was going to have him erradicated by a convenient alien scout party, but I think now I'll just have him ascend to Mount Olympus. :trollestia:

7708812 Nuuuu... I will smack you about the head and chops with a cheese-filled biscuit!

7708750 how is it illegal to walk up to every pony and make an offer?

7708819 Observe my account name. My full title includes the phrase "with special jurisdiction over savoury biscuits." Your twice-cookeds are as nothing compared to my might.
7708832 Large chunks of Ponyville are legally the property of Celestia herself. That's how Equestria organises her public buildings. It would be against the Equestrian Constitution for the reigning monarch to sell them.

7708882 I will not be denied my comedic vengeance!

(In all seriousness, I'm looking forward to see how Jack(ass)pot gets beaten, hopefully in a satisfying manner.)

7708887
My object all sublime
I shall achieve in time:
To let the punishment fit the crime,
The punishement fit the crrrime!

Don't worry, it'll be suitably ironic.

7708750

That's going to bite him in the end I imagine.

Mmmmm wouldn't the 'Act of Twilight'.. somewhat be Slander to Celestia and Luna?

It's literally destroying her good name with her friends, as well as making sure that likely the town is too.

Oooo, Jackpot doesn't see the writing on the wall when 'One of our Greatest Means of Defense' is taken out..

7709048 Jackpot doesn't give a toss about defence. He's more worried about money. If Equestria does get invaded, its 10 to 1 on that he'll find a way to profit from it.

7709090 Acts of twilight who bout acts of rainbow dash the amount of times she crashes into buildings

Twi all i have to say is grab a deck chair set it on your balcony pour yourself a margarita sit back and enjoy your vacation and just laugh the next time the shit hits the fan

7709090 how will he react when his assets are seized

Ha! I am so happy to see you actually took me by my word there. That will be a thing alright.

7710031 Based on other misunderstandings of the previous story's title, the next one should probably be called Somepony Tries to Sell Twilight. But I wouln't go that far. Would I? :pinkiecrazy:
Also, check out my new story! It's the best thing in the world. Not a guarantee.

Haha, well, guess I'm hooked. Curious to see how this gets flipped on him (I'm hoping for hilariously), or if it does at all.

Also:

"what in Equestria is going on?" This new princess, er..."

I think you have one to many quotation marks in there.

7710201 Thanks, fixed. And don't worry. I didn't get where I am today without knowing how to hillariously flip a storyline.

This is interesting, but I don't think the insurance people quite realize how badly this is gonna backfire on them,

They've just engineered the mother of all Twilight freakouts. I suspect Twilight is going to obliterate the town, and all of a sudden Crystal Jackpot is going to find that he has millions to deck out in "Twilight" insurance and he's going to go bankrupt and end up working at a greasy hayburger join.

Hell, Twilight could get so deppressed that the next monster of the week will come through and just destroy everything and Twilight won't care enough to stop it because the entire town and even her friends didn't bother. I bet that fucking Twilight insurance is going to be real nice whenever the entire town finds that Jackpot won't pay for something that Twilight didn't cause and realize how screwed they are and how horribly they've treated Twilight.

Also, Twilight is a princess and leader of the fucking country and long time friends with the other leaders of the country.. Just saying she has a few connections to make Jackpot's life a living hell.

7711173 Stay tuned, oh skeptical one. All these questions - and more - will be addressed in the next thrilling installment! Same bat-time - same bat-channel!

Huh...thought this was a comedy and slice-of-life fic... *checks tags again* Weird, it does not show up the Sad tag. Whelp, nothing left to it. *dons shades* I at least am going to enjoy the ensuing disaster courtesy of Twilight/lack-of-Twilight.

7711844 I considered giving it the sad tag, but I don't think that side of things will last too long. Twilight's made of sterner stuff. Assuming flesh, bone and lilac fur can be classified as stern.

7712065
You're right... She is made of sterner stuff! There shall be no sad ending to this tale! CUE THE INSPIRING MUSIC!


Any second now...


Okay, so my lawyer informed me I have used up my allotted Transformers The Touch music references for the month... Well buggah. Ummm, someone queue up something awesome?

7712178
As the creator of this tale, I technically have jurisdiction... but I don't think I've got anything inspiring.

7708793 It realized this guy was worse than the Flim Flam brothers. :twilightangry2:

7713674 You may have a point there. He doesn't even sing.

So, what would happen if Jackpot looks in the mirror while being cross right after seeing a third pony?


Nice story.
Still remembering the original.
I'm curious what will happen next.



Found an small error:

For Celestiassakes,

You are probably missing a space here somewhere.

i keep imagining something like this:
Twilight walks into the boardroom and says, "so, do YOU have insurance?"
Jackpot yells, "what? how did you get past security?"
a board member sheepishly replies, "you fired all the guards."

Plot armor!

Twilights friends wouldn't buy that insurance and tell her she wasn't allowed to visit them anymore. That's just not like them.

7955635 That sounds like the perfect plan.

Or maybe she buys out Jackpot's company?

Or enlists the help of our insurancepony-turned-poet?

About halfway through his rant to the board of directors, he started sounding like J. K. Simmons as J. Jonah Jameson in my head. Now, that's what he sounds like all the time. :twilightsheepish:

7956010 Actually, all she'd have to do is send a nicely worded letter to Jackpot, educating him about what would happen to the value of his company if she were unfortunately unavailable to save a town, say, in the case of monster attack, or an invasion of Changelings, or an act of Discord... Or pretty much anything else, really. After all, the new policy does include major events which don't include Twilight. Jackpot's little revenge ploy could wind up costing him his shirt when the policies all come due all at once.

Now, seeing as Twilight herself is too nice to actually do anything like that personally, she'll just have to keep doing her best to protect Equestria even in spite of Mr. Jackhole... er... pot, regardless of his actions. But as everypony knows, accidents do happen, and inevitably, it'll all come to roost in the insurance payments. Especially if the ponies in Ponyville act on the little advice she's just given them about how what constitutes an "Act of Twilight - not present" was never really defined... :twilightsmile:

Edit: Actually, after rereading that, I'm now thinking that if this happened, Twilight would owe Sunset something really special after, since this sounds like one of her plans more than something Twilight would come up with.

7956101 Nah. Think Cave Johnson but with more ego.

7956135 you sound like an evil mastermind.

i like it

7956135 Every time I decide what's going to happen next in this blasted story, some smart-Alec comes along and predicts it! It's not easy being spontaneous.

7956443 Heh. Don't worry about it! It's actually a lot of fun to read a chapter and realize that you called it ahead of time. :rainbowlaugh:

7957066 My current plan is just to sit back and let the comments section write the story for me. :trollestia:

Chapter title…lovely.

Limelight Debacle mare.

In another tale, he gets a dossier on Starlight Glimmer. Or Sunset Shimmer.

adressing

addressing

exerpts

excerpts

Twlight

Twilight

vaugely

vaguely

Twilght

Twilight (error occurs multiple times)

plumetted

plummeted

con-ti-nu-ned...

con-ti-nu-ed…

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