Necromancy Can't Be That Difficult, Right?
It was a beautiful day outside. Birds were singing, flowers were blooming...
And Twilight Sparkle was bored stiff. Her friends weren’t up to anything major, Ponyville wasn’t burning to the ground (And she wasn’t going to try burning it down again. Not after last time). and she had already read through her entire library. Again.
Thankfully, for the purposes of this story, she was about to get a special delivery.
DING DONG!
“Strange,” Twilight mused, as she sluggishly moved her body towards the front door of her magical castle. “I don’t recall having a doorbell.”
Answering the door, she found nopony there.
“Huh. Swore I heard a doorbell… Wait a second!” Twilight realized, slapping her hoof to her forehead, “I DON’T HAVE a doorbell!”
Feeling silly for answering the door when there was nopony there, she started to trot back in…
DING DONG!
When the not-doorbell rang again.
“What the hay is going on here?” Twilight said to herself, pondering on the thought that this could just be a prank set up by her close friend Rainbow Dash, she started to wander outside when she tripped on a strange object.
“Ugh. My face…” Twilight groaned, getting back up to her hooves and rubbing her muzzle, looking for the object that tripped her up.
DING DONG!
“Oh for Faust’s sake, WHAT?” Twilight yelled at seemingly nothing, before noticing the small rectangular object that was the cause of all this trouble.
It appeared to be a book of some sort, (Which made Twilight silently squeal with glee) with a rather plain brown cover that appeared to be wrapped in leather (Which was very rare in Equestria, due to the restrictions on using cattle for THAT purpose.) and looked like it had been forgotten for centuries. The title, written in (what appeared to be) pony blood, clearly spelt out “Necromancy and You: An Idiots Guide, by Grogar, Lord of Tambelon.”
Inspecting the book with her magic, Twilight noticed a note attached to the book:
“Dear reader: Thank you for purchasing my book, “Necromancy and You: An Idiot’s Guide”. You will be delighted to know that you now own the single best book for learning necromancy. Enjoy!”
Grogar, Lord of Tambelon and author of “Necromancy and You: An Idiot’s Guide”.
Twilight stared at the book, waiting for it to burst into flames or disappear. The mere existence of this book was a miracle, never mind it somehow ending up on her doorstep!
“I must study this book IMMEDIATELY!” Twilight yelled, attracting some funny looks from nearby onlookers. Twilight blushed, before hugging her new best friend and bolting back into her castle, slamming the door behind her with a mighty SMASH!.
Once inside with her precious, Twilight decided to do the responsible thing when a mysterious book on highly illegal magic appears on your front doorstep, which was to inform Princess Celestia of this book’s existence… After reading it, to ensure that the knowledge would not be lost.
Twilight teleported to her study, making sure that nopony (or dragon) saw her with this forbidden magic. Hastily grabbing a quill and a piece of paper, Twilight wrote down a letter:
Dear Princess Celestia.
I found this mysterious book about necromancy on my front doorstep and I have learned some necromancy in order to ensure that
I will be able to dominate EquestriaEquestria will be safe from would-be necromancers.After all, knowing your enemy is the first step to victory.
Your Former Student
Princess Twilight Sparkle
Twilight sighed as she put down her quill. Her hoofwriting was awful, even with magical assistance and it made her miss Spike a little bit, if only so that she could multitask better. Too bad he was in the Dragonlands, “Negotiating” with the new Dragonlord, Ember.
“Well, at least he’s out of my mane for a while.” Twilight concluded, rolling her letter up using her magic, before sealing it with a ribbon and placing it by her side, ready to send off.
“Now, onto the actual necromancy! I’m so excited to read about this long forgotten art!” Twilight squealed with glee as she opened the book, letting dust fly out of the tattered pages. After taking a minute to casually choke on some of the dust, Twilight started reading the forbidden tome.
Chapter 0: Preparations For Necromancy.
There are several things that need to be accomplished before you can start performing necromancy. Firstly, you will need to be in a quiet room, maybe a study, maybe the bathroom, whatever.
Secondly, ensure that you are the only entity in the room. Attempting necromancy while there are other mortal beings in the room may cause nausea, panic attacks, heartburn, spontaneous combustion, sudden bowel movements, broken bones, death and mild indigestion. I’d advise that you check this now before reading on.
Twilight looked around the room, before noticing her pet owl, Owlicious had somehow gotten in. After carefully defenestrating the bird, Twilight went back to reading.
Remember how I said that you needed to be the only mortal in the room? I forgot the part where you need a virgin sacrifice. And yes, it has to be a virgin. The necromancy gods demand it!
Twilight sighed. How was she supposed to get a virgin sacrifice at this time of the afternoon? The virgin store wasn’t even open until midnight!
And then Twilight got an idea. A wickedly awful idea. She knew who she could turn to at a time like this...
“No Twilight, you cannot use my sister as a virgin sacrifice in order to perform dark magic. Why would you even think that I would allow that?” Rarity stated flatly, not looking up from her copy of the Foal Free Press.
“But Rarity!” Twilight pleaded “If this works, I will unlock the secrets of magic itself! How could you not allow this?”
Rarity sighed, placing her newspaper down and taking a long sip of her tea before giving Twilight a half lidded “Really?” look. “Twilight, stop trying to exploit my generosity for magical domination. It got old after your attempt at burning Ponyville down. I am not letting you kill my sister for her virgin blood. I’m not even sure she’s a virgin anyway.” Rarity stated, before picking her newspaper backup in her magic and continuing to read.
“FINE. Be that way you who- Wait, Sweetie’s not a virgin?” Twilight asked, processing Rarity’s last statement properly.
“Darling, she’s a smaller and cuter version of me. Of course the colts would be all over her.” Rarity said, taking another sip of tea. “All I ask of her is that she uses protection and to not get pregnant. It’s not like I was any better at her age anyway… Twilight?”
Rarity put her paper down, only to realize that Twilight had disappeared.
“Typical.”
“Ah’m sorry Twilight,” Applejack droned with her southern drawl, “But Apple Bloom is grounded for going out with that orange colt with the purple mane.”
“You mean Scootaloo?” Twilight enquired?
“Probably. He did fly about as well as Scootaloo when Ah threw him out of the window.” Applejack replied bluntly.
Twilight sighed. None of the Crusaders were available for a virgin sacrifice? This was terrible! How could she experiment with the dark arts now?
“Um, Twi? Yer kinda just standin’ there… It’s freakin’ me out.” Applejack pointed out, snapping Twilight out of her panic before she stepped away from the Apple’s door, Applejack then simply slammed the door in the lavender wizard’s face.
“Well, that was rude.” Twilight stated loud enough for Applejack to hear, before teleporting away.
Twilight sighed, throwing a nearby glass vase out of the window as she wandered back into the room with that troublesome book. Why did necromancy need to involve virgins anyway? Is it just a taste thing, or did it lessen the risk of impure blo-
Twilight stopped herself as she read the next page.
We do realize that you won’t be able to acquire virgin blood 100% of the time. After all, finding a virgin is hard enough, never mind dragging one kicking and screaming back to your lair.
Well, we found an alternate solution! Substitute the blood for a bottle of extra virgin olive oil! It’s ingenious!*
Twilight paused to throw another glass vase out of the window. At this rate, she’d need to go to the vase store, but that didn’t matter. She could have saved so much time!
Going to the kitchen and avoiding the proverbial minefield that was the mess Spike had left behind (The lazy lizard), Twilight found a half empty bottle of olive oil lying next to a goat. Grabbing the bottle with her magic, she wandered back into the Room of Impending Smashed Vases and Necromancy (She really needed to get around to naming these rooms.)
Opening the book once again, olive oil in hoof, she continued.
Finally, you need some place for your necromantic creation to spawn. While this can be done without one, it’ll generally just pop up wherever it feels like and will most likely be dead again within ten seconds. A pentagram is preferable, although our researchers have had success with tall triangles, odd octagons and hellish hearts.
As there was a diagram of a pentagram on the opposite page, Twilight was able to carve a large (and slightly lopsided) pentagram on the crystalline floor. After re-reading the chapter to ensure she had everything prepared, Twilight finally flipped the page over to Chapter 1.
“Chapter 1: Necromantic Basics”
The first thing you should know about necromancy is that fiction really downplays how difficult it is. You don’t just shout some words and a random centaur pops out of your portal demanding rent money. It requires knowing what arcane school to use, positioning, and channeling your magic correctly. Just mindlessly trying to summon any old undead is going to get a novice necromancer killed. For now, let’s try animating a plant.”
“Ugh, this book is going to take forever to read.” Twilight grumbled to herself. While she wouldn’t normally mind taking her time to read a book, the last time she did that to a forbidden book, the Apple Family’s barn ended up being burned down. And she was STILL paying for that, damnit!
“Damned Apple scammers, wanting a cut of my Princess money…” Twilight grumbled to herself again, before skipping a few pages on extremely basic necromancy that basically amounted to nothing useful. Twilight was a Princess, damnit! She could learn ANY spell easily! She didn’t need some step by step guide to cast something as basic as reanimation!
“Chapter 3: Your First Undead”
“Now that you have mastered the basic skills required to practice necromancy, it’s time to put those skills to the test! Follow the steps outlined in Chapters 1-2, but instead of targeting the test plant, aim your spell at your summoning circle/triangle/heart/whatever you carved into the floor earlier.
Steeling herself for what was to come, Twilight charged her horn, feeling the power flow through her body like water. Today, Twilight would do what nopony had done in centuries; reanimate the dead.
Rearing herself up, Twilight launched her built up magical charge straight at the summoning circle, causing the spell to dissipate and activate the summoning circle, which glowed in a eerie and foreboding green.
Twilight put a hoof under her chin, thinking about the implications of actually raising the dead for the first time. Would the undead retain memories from their former lives? Are they mindless abominations, or do they feel just like a normal pony?
All questions that would remain unanswered, as the circle suddenly exploded into life, blinding the youngest alicorn princess and filling the Castle of Friendship with light and screams.
As expected, most ponies around the general area didn't really notice anything different. Either that or they didn't give a damn.
When the dust finally settled in the Room of Necromancy Related Shenanigans, not only was the floor shattered into many pieces due to the force of the explosion, but there were now to entities in the room. The first was of course, Princess Twilight Sparkle.
The other however, was a equine-like being, with a body covered in a dull blue fur and a small poofy tail. The creature's face had two red, foreboding eyes with bags under them and large, menacing eyebrows above them. Additionally, this thing had two large spiral horns protruding from his head. Underneath the eyes was a snout resembling that of a goat and a mouth that looked like it had been used for a lot of evil cackling in the past. To top the image off, it rather fittingly had a goatee and a bell around it's neck, kept in place by a red belt covered in gold discs.
Twilight could only stare in awe of the creature she had summoned. Had magic gone too far? What sort of creature did she bring back from the grave? Was it some sort of long extinct creature that ponykind was never supposed to lay eyes upon?
Did she leave the kettle on?
Before these questions could be answered, the goat-like creature cleared its throat, causing Twilight to snap out of her panic induced state.
"I am Grogar, Ruler of Tambelon, Lord of Darkness and author of several highly rated books about necromancy. Why have you summoned me to the mortal plain of existence?" he spoke in a tone that made Twilight's blood freeze.
Clearly she had left the kettle on.
Before anything else could go wrong, a vaguely familiar unicorn casually trotted into the room, holding a cup of tea in her cyan magic.
"Hey Twilight. Finally getting on with necromancy are you? Good for you." Starlight Glimmer said, who didn't notice the demonic goat thing in the middle of the summoning not-quite circle. Placing the tea down and finally looking at Grogar, she turned to the book of necromancy, then gave a look towards the mulberry mage.
"Did you use olive oil?"
Twilight was admittedly caught off guard by the question. She would have expected a question along the lines of "What the bucking Tartarus are you doing, Twilight?" or "Celestia dammit Twilight, again with the evil books of darkness?", but this casual questioning of her summoning methods was surprising.
"Oh right, I couldn't find a suitable virgin to sacrifice and the book recommended some olive oil as a substitute. Why do you ask?"
Starlight sighed before grabbing the bottle of olive oil Twilight had used in order to summon the undead, "Just as I thought. You used standard olive oil instead of extra virgin."
Starlight gave an eye roll towards the Princess of Friendship, before throwing the bottle away and trotting up to the famed Lord of Darkness. "It seems that my friend, despite being a massive book nerd, didn't read the instructions clearly enough. I can only apologize for her foolishness, Grogar."
Twilight's jaw promptly hit the floor with enough force to crack the crystal. "You two know each other?" She exclaimed, the volume of her yelling nearly causing a window to crack.
"Yes Twilight," Starlight deadpanned, "We know each other. How else would I be a walking magical superweapon with unresolved, emotionally crippling issues? You think that stuff just magically happens? You were influenced by a deity with an addiction to cake, I was influenced by a long forgotten dark magical wizard goat thing."
Twilight had picked her jaw up from the floor at this point, so she only really had one more thing to ask, "So, if I summoned Grogar with this necromancy book, is it really a book on necromancy?"
Starlight gave it a quick once over, before removing the cover of the book, revealing that it was a book on how to summon demons from Tartarus.
How to Summon Demons: The Basic Unicorn's Guide.
By Grogar and Starlight Glimmer.
"Twilight, necromancy hasn't been illegal for 1000 years. It's why Timberwolves exist. It's just that there are no willing subjects for magical experimentation, or at least for ponies. I've heard that changelings have had some success with it. Demonic summoning is illegal, which is why we had to hide the book under the cover of a necromancy guide. Anypony not knowledgeable in the arcane arts won't give a second glance to this, as most mages know that there's no sort of stable necromancy spell for unicorns at the moment." Starlight rattled off proficiently, while Twilight stared in awe.
Starlight gave a smug grin before continuing "I mean, how else could I not only magically engineer a spell that could steal a pony's cutiemark, but also improve Starswirl's time travel spell? Sometimes you just need a little experience in a different arcane school to get the job done."
There was one thing bothering Twilight, however. "So, why are there instructions for necromancy inside of this then?"
Starlight gave the same concerned look that one would give to an orphaned puppy, "Because as I said Twilight, nobody knows how to use necromancy effectively on a pony. These are literally instructions for demon summoning, with it being rewritten to say necromancy. It's a measure I took in order to prevent anyone from outright claiming that this was a book for demon summoning, After all, you fell for it, and you're a Princess."
Twilight was about to comment on the absolute absurdity of those odds, when Grogar spoke up. "If you two don't need me for anything else, I'll be returning to Tartarus now. Cerberus will be making his rounds soon and I don't want the Princesses knowing of my secret backdoor."
He then promptly sank back inside of the summoning circle, seeming to absorb the darkness surrounding him before the room was as it was before.
Starlight was the first to talk out of the pair "Well, that was a fun distraction. Want to do something together? Read up on arcane techniques, question how I managed to summon a demon from Tartarus without anypony knowing, go bowling... Twilight?"
Twilight simply turned to Starlight and said, "Bowling sounds good."
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- Hclegend · 2.4k words · 38 4 · 1.1k views
- shortskirtsandexplosions · 4k words · 68 39 · 1.3k views
- cyberlord4444 · 1.1k words · 77 1 · 2.1k views
Stats
Page generated in 0.242 seconds
Total duration
1,027 users online
241,077 hits today, 2,280,440 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Well, certainly not where I expected that to go, but it has my approval 100%.
7386450
Yeah, I originally wanted it going horribly, horribly wrong, but that'd be too...
Predictable? Honestly, as soon as I thought about summoning Grogar and then realizing that he's not technically dead, I had to think of a different direction to go in. Glad to see it worked out in the end!
What? Eh, I like.
It's good to see that writing about necromancy is back in fashion, in my experience it comes and goes regularly.
Well, that was completely damned ridiculous.
...I approve.
After reading a great fix that ad-hock'd it's twist today I'd say this fix was pretty great, twilight not knowing literally everything is always funny
If she just sends Grogar back, why have Twilight summon him in the first place? What exactly did Starlight get from this?
7388558 He wasn't sent back by Twilight, Grogar just sank back into the circle to his imprisonment. Twilight learned that demon summoning was illegal and Starlight got an opportunity to teach Twilight about something.
All in all, stuff happened, the end.
Starlight; Hey Twilight it's your cousin, let's go bowling.
cool
Dammit. Ever since I got into Undertale, this phrase has been irrevocably altered in my mind, and it automatically makes me expect certain things even if they nothing to do with the story. Love the game, but still...
Anyway, I was expecting Discord to have written the book as a prank right up until she summoned the demonic goat and Starlight waltzed in. So, kudos to you for a genuine twist and being pretty damn funny while also explaining Starlight's rather impressive accomplishments.
While I don't mind Starlight being able to do the things she did naturally, this was an amusing take on things.
7387353
Rather, people won't let it lie and keep bringing it back.
(That's supposed to be a necromancy joke.)
This is brilliant. Now I am wondering if I should write these....
The Dumbshits Guide to God Trolling
Dungineering for Assholes: The Complete Sadistic Overlord Edition
The Illustrated Guide to Magnificent Bastardry
Lol, I see what you did there.
"The Self-Sustaining Fusing Cosmological Body In Shades of Canary", right?
Anyway, why would necromancy be legal and not demon-summoning?
The last demon summoned to Equestria was loads of fun!
fc02.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2012/012/e/8/discord_vector_by_c_h_loboguerrero_c-d4m2ppw.png
Fun fact: Discord used to be called the Jersey Devil before the Fausticorn summoned him to troll ponies for the lulz.
michaelryancahill.files.wordpress.com/2013/05/jersey-devil-3.png
Right down to the yellow eyes with red irises...
sleepingbearpress.com/uploads/product/cover/11613/l_9781585368372.jpg
She did a hack job on the summoning... (used MIXED olive and grape seed oil! Ugh!) and Discord ended up kinda discombobulated afterward.
And this proves the old claim by long-time Jersian and 101.5 radio host Jim Gearhart that everything weird in the world has direct ties to New Jersey!
7394658
I was excited to see a new Rainbow Dash Presents, okay?
You really need a Random tag on this. With it, it's an enjoyably nonsensical romp with a disturbingly believable origin for Starlight's ridiculously overpowered abilities. Without it, coming into it with serious expectations? Yeah, not so much.
7433795 You know what? I think this deserves it.
And when I say fun, I mean a bitch.
Thanks regardless.
This was a short enjoyable fic and made me chuckle. I did enjoy Twilight searching for a virgin.
I just got Necro-Blocked...
Hi,
You've been Rage Reviewed! Follow the link below for the review.
http://www.fimfiction.net/group/201778/rage-reviews/thread/299506/rage-review-necromancy-and-you-an-idiots-guide-by-hclegend
two things come to mind:
-a story on this site, "the reformation of the hives", where a changeling queen even nastier than Chrysalis captures Grogar and tries to steal his magic, to create acid-spitting zombie changelings...
a short story called "battlemagik for morons" in a book called "battle magic".
(Needs more parentheses)
8020595 ((Parentheses intensifies))
Heh, Rainbow Dash Presents: Bittersweet reference. Is it sad that I know the exact episode of Rainbow Dash Presents that that's from?
And its one of these. Let the in-story riffing begin!
But the building here a hundred years ago that was also built on an ancient buffalo burial ground did. oooooooohhhh! Necromancy!
...why is this here? We know that. This is probably an intentional part of how the story is written, but it just seems...off, even so.
Y'know, being banished really gives you alot of time to write.
Yay vocabumalary!
The writing wasn't doing much for me up until this point. Now, I know I"m gonna love this.
...I have nothing. Not because this is just funny, which it is, but because i laughed so hard my brain no longer has enough oxygen to do anything other than type surface pancakes. Er, thoughts.
Which, fortunately, was next to the soup store; she wouldn't be talking to Rarity for awhile, but still needed new clothes.
This makes way too much sense, and I now want a show starring the proteges of every ancient good/evil in the show.
8207298 I'm glad you enjoyed it enough to riff it, my dude.
This is why you check what you're using before doing stuff like this.
Coffee rockets out of my mouth at over eight thousand miles per hour.
Star in Yellow...?
SNERK
Holy wow that was hilarious. Good job!
The yuks abound. Lol. Nice one shot! Especially enjoyed Starlights entrance.
For some reason I read Starlight's dialog in my head as a mix of her normal voice and the voice of Daria.
Thank you for the snrks. I'll see you on Discord.