- Member Since 2nd Apr, 2016
- offline last seen Jun 27th, 2023
Sterlit
I spent a good amount of time thinking of a witty comment for my bio, this is what I came up with.
Sterlit
Joined 2nd Apr, 2016 ·
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Oh boy! Several of my secondary triggers! Must read later
Wow so many down votes and I don't know why. I actually liked this story it was pretty hot. I would love a sequel if you're interested in making one.
7345337 I loved making this. But, if most people don't seem to enjoy it there's not much of a point to write a sequel. Have a faint idea with Pinkie Pie. I don't know why it got so many down-votes right off the bat, that makes it necessary to get a whole lot more up-votes before some people even give it a chance. Depending on the rating in a week or two, I'll think about a sequel.
The description seems... A little off. I guess it gives too much away or it just doesn't sit well, either way... I think you might want to get a prereader. They can be extremely helpful in these situations where something is definitely wrong, but I just can't place it. Good luck.
7345363
There's some folks who find these fetishes triggering and/or who downvote to sate their sense of 'justice'. It's an uphill battle at times, especially if you hit an unfortunate publishing timeslot.
My guess is some may find the coloured text off-putting as well. I've found it's considered gimmicky, even though you included it to mark where Rarity's and Star's thoughts blend. Again, simply a guess. Overall, it was a little quick, but very enjoyable!
Also, downvotes without explaining what they are for might as well be considered worthless. That's my take on things. One or two sentences shouldn't be a problem for anyone.
7345406 Yeah, it's kinda to properly tell the story how it's meant to be told. Since it got so many dislikes at the beginning, a lot of people will just not read it because of the ratio. It looks like its starting to get good and more people liking it, so hopefully a lot more people decide to read it. I don't know exactly if I would say it's quick, but it might be because I spent a few days working on it.
My previous story was accepted during the day and got great ratings, this story was accepted during the night and even though I think it is way better, it had a lot more dislikes until it turned day. I just have to hope my next stories get accepted during the day.
Ok...... it's ok.
Honestly, slow it down a little, Rarity gives in a little too easily, show the struggle
But I also feel the assimilation isn't as present as it should, perhaps a second dream where it shows Rarity & The Cheerleader are the same person?
It's a good story, but it's a bit rough.
7345508 It is only my second story, and my first attempt at something like this. Hopefully my next attempts will be better.
Thanks for the feedback.
Gonna give this a read a little later
The technical stuff like grammar/spelling is decent. The colored dialogue is kind of lame but not a deal breaker. The issue I find, and it's common in the sluttification stories, is that it's kind of lacking a story conflict. Sure she's vaguely more a bimbo as time goes on and there's the typical sex scene at the end, but there's no meat to her struggle or resistance (what little there is), so there's basically no conflict. The dream was almost unnecessary since it's not really that important we learn why the panties are cursed, and few "no wait" moments by Rarity simply isn't enough to count as conflict.
Thinking back to some great stories about mind controlling clothing, the typical arc starts with the item making them feel good, like in this story. But at first they can still remove it, and sometimes they are aware it's dangerous, but still tempted by the good feelings. The second time it's on they start having their mind controlled, and are unable to remove the artifact, or even think to remove it for a time. Eventually they resist or are snapped out of it and remove it. But then something leads to them using it one last time; if you're into mind control itself as a fetish it could be a posthypnotic suggestion or trap they set for themselves, otherwise it could be succumbing to lust or simply a mistake. The final time they're either rewritten fully or controlled forever. Obviously that's just one example and there's no "right" way to write a story, but having more steps than than panties->being controlled->sex scene would greatly improve this; personality change/mind control is hot when you savor the change itself, not just the end result.
If you enjoyed writing this, write more. You'll always be improving.
7345688 Thanks for the feedback. I wanted to try something unique with the colors, representing their thoughts merged. I did enjoy writing this and already have three stories I'm planning on making. The idea for this story was to make it quick transformation, but I do think there should of been more of the moments, I just found it kinda difficult to write it as it was my first attempt and I lost motivation about halfway through. I will use your suggestions to better my current stories, though I can't think of a conflict for two of them. I hope your comment helps better them and Thanks.
The more shamelessly slutty they become the better as far as I'm concerned
7346087 I like the way you think!
7346098 No such thing as too much :)
Maybe another one-shot?
7346211 What about three more? https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/647825/your-choice
7345363 People will downvote a story for dumb reasons. My story, Captured, is downvoted because it's A) BDSM shown realistically, and B) the main pairing is Rarity and Blueblood. It's a good story, but most people look at the triggers for it and immediately downvote it on that alone.
Trust me when I say, the number of downvotes you get should not be the deterrent of whether or not you write a sequel. Always write for yourself and the people who like it.
where'd you get the pic for your fic?
7348232 https://e621.net/
7348306
oh yeah!
tnx dude!
mwahahahaha!!!!
Heads up, kind of a long post:
While I am sure that some of the downvotes were due to disliking the kink in general or annoyance of color text, I doubt that is the result of the majority. At least, if I were to downvote it, that would not be why, but there are plenty of reasons I could see in doing so.
The entire thing is kind of... flat. There's no real depth to or interest in either the stories of the characters. Rarity especially. This is an established character with a set personality based on canon, even if there are some variations in interpretation due to individual opinions. The story says that it is Rarity, and starts by having her do something that would make sense in buying fabric and clothes, but that's sort of it. There is no moment where she display her flirtatious charm nor her sharp wit. It's not so much Rarity as a generic character who happens to have the same name.
The original characters don't really have much to them either. These are ponies we know nothing about going in, and the only thing we get in terms of a physical description for most is an approximate age, and height. Physically, we have that Ember is tall, Star is short -- both of which are relative to a person's own height and experience, which we don't know as there is no established height for Rarity -- and that one of Ember's teammates is green. Personality-wise, we get next to nothing. Aside from an interest in sex, the only thing we get about Star's personality is that she is insulting. The only thing we see in the guys is that they are somewhat arrogant and -- forgive the pun -- cocksure, who will approach random women in the parking lot to ask for sex. The unnamed stallion that first gets Rarity for example, doesn't even seem to react either to the fact this mare he never met is wanting to be called "Slut," or her absolute willingness to do it in a car then and there with someone she never met before. Being a short clopfic, there doesn't need to be a lot of personality, but it would be useful to have something more substantial to it.
The same kind of goes for the story overall. All this stuff happens, but there is little of it elaborated on or explored. Like with the sex itself. More detail could be put in to what the shafts look like, how Rarity/Star feel, bodily reactions and so on. Something more than simply insertion, motion, orgasm, moving on.
As pointed out, there is practically no conflict. After Rarity wakes up, she starts to resist at first, then just ends up going along with it. This kind of ties in with the claim that the color text is supposed to reference who is talking in that it doesn't really seem to. At least in the case of Rarity and Star. Really, it seems like everything from shopping for a new outfit on is pretty much Star in Rarity's body. That includes talking. Despite being Rarity's text color, the words seem more like Star's, with her color being used more for emphasis as most would with bold or italic text. It ends up less like two personalities are struggling and more like one took over and the other just gave up. No negation, no disagreement, no reluctance. Just "okay, go ahead." Not even a sign of reluctance with the first stallion, even though -- as pointed out -- Rarity is a virgin who was saving herself for the one she was supposed to truly love.
As a result, the moment at the end where Rarity -- free of Star's influence -- decides that she is more than happy to be extremely sexually active with numerous stallions, does not really have any sort of impact. Because it did not go from unwilling to do anything, to maybe trying something out, then being pushed a little further until she's in a situation she would have originally refused and enjoying it. It just went from "no," to "do whatever you want," with no real struggle leading up to "I actually like this after all." It doesn't have to be the typical arc Arzoo mentions, but something would have been better. For example, there could be conflict over the Sexy Cheerleader outfit, with Star convincing Rarity to buy it by pointing out how it would show off her body and make her feel good (maybe in such a way as Rarity thinks it was her own idea). The decision to get such tattoos especially should have had some sort of back and forth since it does not seem like something Rarity would willingly do on her own. Especially something such as "Cock Warmer" and "Pom Poms."
Unrelated to the above, there are two other matters.
One is the tense. The attempt at trying to write everything in the present tense fully is kind of awkward.
The other is redundancy. Several times, the story will have something happen or use a term, only to have the same or similar occur again almost immediately. some of them do not even work in terms of the story.
Example:
Several times it's like this. An unnecessary second "says" or "thinks" appears in a paragraph where the character was already talking or speaking. This is especially noticing when Rarity is doing her cheer, and every line has "she shouted" or some variation thereof immediately after.
Another example:
Not only does this have the redundancy mentioned above as in the third quoted line "minute" appears in the same line, but the first line ends up being incorrect. Rarity does not start trying on clothes until after she has spent some time nude and enjoying herself. That is what makes it not work in the story, because she is not yet actively trying clothes on. She does not start trying them on at that moment, but is getting ready to undress so she can begin to do so. It is several minutes later when she actually does the very action the first line claims, after making sure she was safe and enjoying some moments of nudity and self-admiration.
These are all things that may be other reasons for downvotes, but more importantly, they are things to work on and improve for future stories. There is nothing against the story or idea in and of itself, it just needs work.
7349327 Yep. It's flat because this story is most likely made by a teenager. My suspicion by the fact that the author goes into detail about the males age over and over. Expect error in almost every fan fiction site. (Note: this is not meant to be a jab at the author or story, just furthering a critique)
My vote is for a sequel c:
7345406
7345422
People who aren't confident in their word usage generally won't leave comments on why they did/didn't like something. But especially why they didn't because making a mistake there will get you questioned, drawing out an experience they didn't want, or attacked - causing them to regret having done so. Usually because when they make a mistake they look like any one of the other hundreds of assholes in our community who try to put down a story and its writer - setting off people like me, thus alerting me to the presence of people who pass for assholes without meaning to and a lot of peer mediation on my part.
Also part of it may be listing it as "Triggers" instead of "Fetishes include". There's a great deal of rational hatred for SJWs just about everywhere, but well-concentrated in the brony fandom for how many of the SJWs have advocated and supported their followers in thoughts of violence against us. So using their terminology also isn't going to win any friends or upvotes. The author can take that to mean such votes are worthless, or make a minor change in the future to prevent that from happening again, harming no one and appeasing many more.
Likewise, there's also a ton of prudes from the more conservative bent of the fandom and this community who downvote and badmouth any sort of clop-containing or clop-based stories, especially those that make featured box or recommendation. Then there's LOTS of authors on this site who lose their shit when clop gets noticed and their special snowflake story wasn't as entertaining to people so they'll also join in with the downvoting and talking crap behind backs.
Edit: Looking at the story itself now, anthro has a following of people who downvote because they're in a fandom of sentient humanized animals but hate anything that makes it look slightly more furry. Also idiots, clearly. Sluttification might get some hate from the tumblr-ists I've seen around these parts.
That's about all I can think of in regards to the downvotes, really. I guess a couple people who hate Rarity? -shrugs-
Edit 2: Yeah, the writing can use some work. I'm not sure it's downvote-worthy but I could see it being non-vote worthy. Writing is a skill, after all, we get better at it the more we do it as long as we don't lose confidence.
7350701
Very well-put.
I haven't downvoted a lot of stories on this site, but when I did, I always tried to leave behind some explanation. I think that's only fair.
I enjoyed this fiction keep up the good work
I vote for a sequel.
but I make my own voting on a spike fic violation by celestia
anthro
This isn't what a trigger means!
The term describes a warning for people with PTSD, that it could trigger their condition due to a high degree of similarity to whatever caused their trauma.
Rape is a trigger. Suicide is a trigger. Bullying is a trigger.
What you have here are tags, representing certain kinks.
I like it!
The multi colored text does nothing to add to the work itself and serves only to distract and annoy.
7383934 It was needed to show the reader which thoughts and words were influenced and changed by Star.
I dont know why it bothers me but would you mind correcting the artist credit? It was a collaboration, Chromaskunk only did the coloring and Kevin Sanno is the artist that drew it.
7365478 Excellent.
So is this technically impregnation?
7959421
More like risky sex with a chance at it rather than actual assured impregnation.
Wait if this is anthro don't all characters have to me 18+?
Yikes. Haunted panties. Wonder how she died.
What bothered me was the tattoos. Being all slutty is one thing. Star making permanent alterations to Rarity's body doesn't sit well with me.
9517982
I don't think Star plans on leaving Rarity's body. Well, at least willingly anyway.