- Member Since 17th Jan, 2014
- offline last seen Aug 22nd, 2016
MilesMilitis101
I am gonna try to make fanfic history!! Well...try anyways
MilesMilitis101
Joined 17th Jan, 2014 ·
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Pretty sure this should be Spike and Ember or Ember and Twilight.
So lets get to the part where I lay down constructive criticism. First of the premises is interesting enough, love me some Sparity and frankly I feel there hasn't been enough done with Sparity and Ember in a non "Spike just randomly doesn't like Rarity anymore" way. So the concept gets an A in my interests.
Here's where things get less good though. You have quite a few grammatical issues, one or two here and there is one thing but enough especially in quick succession can be quite jarring to a reader. Now it's not awful or unreadable, but I can tell you right now a good proofreader or editor would make a world of difference. It might not sound fun, but having someone pick out every mistake and flaw you made before you post something will make you and your writing look and feel much better. As writers we should strive to put out the best work we can afterall. There's a whole group on fimfiction dedicated to putting writers and proofreader/editors together. Friendly word of advice though, might want to check the work, be it their own stories or stuff they've proofread/edited before, of whoever you consider for the job. It's nice to have someone volunteer, but it's not doing you a ton of good if they can't do the job well.
You have what I consider continuity issues. You discuss the letters sent back and forth, but it's only when Spike meets Ember that the reader learns that her Birthday was apparently a topic, which feels odd since you discussed what was in the letters a fair bit. I actually stopped an reread to see if I missed something beforehand... I did not. Plot twists are fine and dandy, but normally just tossing in new and important information out of nowhere is a bad idea.
The dialogue can be rough at times and this is in part due to how you did your characterization. I personally hold to a belief I refer to as the natural flow. I consider everything I want to happen in a certain part or chapters and I think of the characters and the decisions or paths they would make, not the ones I want them to make, in order to get to the events and ending I want. This will cause you to add and cut stuff, but as long as you stay true to the characters, you end up with some solid characterization, and any reader will love that. Some examples: Twilight's pretty super motherly to Spike in your story, but shes not normally. Now you can show her in a more motherly light and build off the show, but having her talk to Spike and act so much more so simply feels... off. Go slow and build up to it. Ember is a little more confident, and while I think giving her a shy side is good (she did have that awkwardness with Spike in the episode a few times after all) it wouldn't hurt to show that confident side either. She stands up to Torch, fights with Garble, and is pretty bad ass honestly. Consider having her be too confident (a sort of fake confidence would work well), loud, or proud, Luna shows us that form of social awkwardness can be cute and funny too afterall.
Finally, and this one I will admit is entirely a personal preference, add a extra enter between paragraphs (also known as double spacing) to reduce the wall of text feeling. I do however give you full credit on indenting, was a good move and adds a professional touch. I'm pretty insistent to save writers from having a wall of text that is intimidating to many readers that they do one or the other, if not both. I normally push for both.
So this is a lot of words that might feel overwhelming and a little hard on you, but I believe this has quite a bit of potential. I would be remiss if I didn't try and help it and you reach that potential. In other words, this has a lot of promise, and I would love to see it fulfilled.
7167216 Thank you for your words, I did notice quite a bit of this from the beginning but unfortunately I did not correct it all like I should have. I am kind of going solo on this so I unfortunately have no editor currently but I do have a friend who is an outstanding writer who could help...just he doesn't like clop so I'll see how I could have him help me with editing. I see what you mean by consistency issues and I will redo some parts as to ease that. As for the characters, I will add that alternate universe tag since I can't really fulfill my full idea for this story if I keep the characters like they are in the show. I will however try to keep personalities and characteristics as close as I can. And I do agree with you about the wall of text, on my phone (which i typically use to read fimfics) there are gaps between paragraphs but online, its a different case so I will add the extra space so my reader's eyes don't hurt. I am happy to get such feedback since it is all good help and I will get to work on this chapter's errors but I am sad to say that the character's personalities are going to be a bit tricky to make changes to. None the less, I appreciate your help and hope my future work is a good read for you.
7167292 Well any Anthro is essentially AU
This is a very nice response to get, it shows that drive to improve, and I often don't get those when I take the time to do things like this. Everytime I do though I feel my efforts are worth it. I have been lucky to find many gifted people willing to work on clop on this site. I really am thankful to them for much of my success on here. I look forward to the changes you make and more as you go forward. I will say this about characters: Characters during the course of the story can and really should evolve and change so don't fret about that. It's just important to show that development and to keep that relatability to the character's core. No matter how much a character might change you still want someone to read it and get the feeling "This is whoever," and sometimes that comes with a "holy shit, that's so and so. I didn't see it originally but it totally makes sense now!" Odds are if you feel you're really being true to them, you'll have no problem being true to them.
wow that was a quick change of events, but still a nice start^^. looking forward to the next update
7168412 Thank you for reading :)
What we just witness was known as Sexy Puberty.
7170456 If only my puberty was just as sexy :p
7170456
OK then.....so then, since Spike is eleven in pony years (words from Dash's own mouth), I wonder how old is he in dragon years? Because obviously he's just turned from baby to at least a teenaged drake, and the same for Ember. And by the way that the new Spike is described, I think that he could pass an an adult...
Sucks that thanks to that Big Jim tweet pretty much implies any of the mares with Spike is considered pedo now...I mean they say the different is 7-10 years between Twilight and Spike, so similar would be for the others.
7171288 The way I'm running the age thing is that dragons and ponies age the same in terms of years but in the next chapter I'll be going into detail on how it's going to play out but thanks for pointing this out :3
7171511
No problem.
I'm too much of a Spike shipper anyway to even think that I have to throw all of that away because of a tweet. And I still think that it would be based on one's maturity, not their size, because there is a whole messload of people and creatures that frankly don't act their own age.
Keep this story going. I love a good change of events on a birthday.
7181563 Thank you for reading :3 I hope to get chapter two done soon, have a friend helping me with editing so I'm lagging a bit
7185644 If you don't mind, could you check out my Spember story. It's called an unexpected Visiter in Ponyville.
7186430 sure thing :D
I'll see where the rabbit hole goes with this one.
I sense a triangle trying to develop...Maybe's it's just my shipping goggles though.
All I know is that of the girls, Rarity seems to be the most intrigued at what Spike and Ember developed into, Dash is perfectly in character, and Twilight is slightly jealous because Ember's a bit more voluptuous than she is...
I must admit, I'm a little worried about some Dragon=Master-Race thing going on...
7272566 I notice your concern but later on you'll see what ponies bring to the table against dragons but even in the show, dragons are top of the food chain :D
I have to say, seeing Spike and Ember not only get ten years older, but also have Spike strong enough to beat Big Mac. That's a real turn of events. I wonder if Spike is going to get any stronger. Keep this story going.
7274139 Dragons are an unexplored race but you'll be seeing pros and cons of being a dragon soon :3
7274536 Sounds like surprises are only beginning.
7274536 Also, in case you need a little more on dragons give this a watch: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8FIDeOOL52Q&list=FLMlUYdJk0Ya99eZkrOPpjOg&index=172 This is about how dragons could have possibly been a real species.
Won't be a problem since dragon fire burns up the alcohol.
Wow, keep on writing. I can't wait to read it more
This fic was on my "to read" list for a while, and I finally got around to read it.
Worth it.
You have a good thing here, bro. I laughed a bit on some moments and I can imagine the scenes happening.
I'm tracking this.
But, here's two things that bothered me:
1- Puntuaction. There's a lot of commas missing, I can't point them all out but they exist.
2- Would. Would, would would? Would.
Stop that.
Try not to repeat words multiple times during the chapter. If you already used a word more than four times in the span of ten lines, you're doing it wrong. Of course, there's some exceptions, but they're pretty obvious.
Are Spike and Ember anthro or is that just you interpretation of dragon anatomy?
Please make more chapters i must know what happens ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
So...is this story dead or is it going to get updated ? I really like this story and i would like to know what happens next :)