Your power does not make you right, your righteousness does not make you infallible.
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Chrysalis, the last Queen of the changelings, is dying. With her death, her children will die, and the changelings will cease. She has one final plan, a coup to save her race, her children. She must make a new Queen, one strong enough, and smart enough, to save her people. It will be her legacy, and her greatest achievement. Too bad she never asked Twilight if she wanted to help
Dark tag added just to be safe, but its a "light dark" if that even exists.
Edited by: Nadake
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This is my first story and I hope you enjoy it. I will be updating as quickly as I can get new chapters in a good enough shape to post. I always welcome constructive criticism, but please remember that this is my first attempt at writing.
A huge thank you goes to my editor as without her this would not be half of what it is.
I think this should get a dark tag as well.
Good story though.
However, there are a few sentences which run on. Eg:
The hunters were in agreement, something that normally eluded the most independent of the broods, they would succeed even if it meant each and every one of their lives.
should be
The hunters were in agreement, something that normally eluded the most independent of the broods. They would succeed even if it meant each and every one of their lives.
This is a very interesting story, I can't wait for the next bit
I noticed a few minor errors which I won't go into, but I should mention one bit appears to have been cut off:
"The acknowledgment from Sky was instantaneous, and once again Star felt nothing but admiration for the old hunter.
link, doing so relied completely on the Nexus to direct them."
Though not a completely original story, Wanderer D released a similar premise with The Changeling Queen, it's a promising story. I'll be watching were are you taking it.
Also while I'm interested in seeing where the story is going, your comment on quick updating caught my attention, you may want to look for a proofreader/editor to look at your chapters before posting them, usually it's not a good idea to compromise quality over speed, it may cost you a few readers in the long run and it may end in a worse story. You are not a professional writer with a set deadline, take your time, enjoy your own work, and you'll probably end with a better story that if you try to rush it, otherwise it can stop being a hobby and may start to feel like an obligation, like a job, or homework if you are still studying.
will spike be in this ?
I like it so far and will eagerly await more chapters.
But you could use a proofreader. There's the occasional badly worded sentence, lots of missing punctuation (mostly commas), and that one paragraph that obviously has a chunk missing from it. I would suggest looking here for one. And please, quality over speed; quick updates mean nothing if they're riddled with errors.
Queen Chrysalis and her Changelings are dyin'?
Well, we all know what to do!
codblackopsblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/05/Black-Ops-Weapons-Flamethrower.jpg
Am liking the plot, keep at the good work.
980807
Thanks, fixed that. I have a tendency to make run on sentences, you should have seen it before editing.
Added a dark tag, I was on the fence but since my first reviewer, ever, told me it needed it, well there you go.
980853
Thank you, I have absolutely no idea how that happened.
Fixed it.
980923
I'm glad you liked it. Ya believe it or not this was sitting and waiting editing for about two weeks before he released that. When I saw his I was like
, now that's going to make my story look bad. He is a way better writer than me.
I wont rush it, but if I don't make myself push to work on it, I never will. I procrastinate really bad sometimes. I am shooting to have a chapter out once every week to two weeks. But I wont post until both myself and my editor are happy with it.
981587
If you imported from gDocs, I have heard it sometimes causes random bits of text to go missing.
980930 He will be, But I do not have plans for him to be a major character.
981625 And that would be it. Thanks I'll watch that closer next time.
Would you like a pre_reader? You have a lot of little typos (things like a letter moving to the left or right, or being left out entirely) If you want I can read over it for you and correct them.
Also, something I find helps is to read the chapter out loud to yourself. If you find yourself having issues reading it, edit it to flow better.
not bad
First reaction: "
This sounds ALOT like Wander D's Changeling Queen....."
....
AWESOMESAUCE."
Reaction after reading: "
....
...
An interesting beginning to the story. I'm looking forward to what you have in store for us in future chapters. There were a few punctuation errors and some sentences that could have been worded more clearly, but all in all they were fairly minor so good job.
The only other mistake I noticed is that the link for chapter two seems to be missing......
982268
Hmmm, I see what you mean. I'll see if I can't correct that here in the coming week. And thank you, it means a lot to me that people are liking this.
Yes! I love these kinds of stories! Awesome work, can't wait to see where this is going.
Very nice spin on the idea so far.
It'll be interesting to see how this is taken. Dark as hell at the beginning, but it's a nice way to introduce the desperation involved. I'm hoping that Twilight's conversion is less of a personality change and more of a shift in perspective, where she's not going to be attacking her friends and planning Celestia's downfall.
CON-TIN-UE CON-TIN-UE CON-TIN-UE
yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay
981635 oh that is kinda disappointing.
This sparks my intrest, really good writing, nice concept and Changeling converions are epic. Would love more.
983392
Yeah, I'm hoping for the same thing - that was something I didn't really like about The Changeling Queen. Twilight just seemed to have jumped into a changeling with glee, converting friends and family with abandon, without any inner conflict. Seeing her remain basically herself in her head, trying to get to grips with what has happened, and trying to deal with her friends, Celestia, and her family, with them knowing what she now is? Trying to make the best of a bad situation? That sounds a lot more interesting me.
981635 use this page on your gdoc and your fimfic chapter before you publish. http://wordcount2.com/ if both counts match you are not missing anything. its also handy to identify if you are abusing certain words.
nice work hope to read on
Interesting. Will watch.
As a note: earlier, you had Hope in the Boutique getting fitted, but then later on, Glow walked out in half a dress. Might need to check for consistency.
Like a fine meringue.
1021782 Nope its right, I had to go back and check it though.
An excellent start, and the hunters bit was nice writing.
*Taps foot impatiently*
This story caught me off guard... not sure what to expect honestly and it has my interest piqued to want to keep reading.'
A few errors here and there that need to be touched up but overall quite good.
Tracking and upvoted.
I like it and i really look forward to finding out how Twilight will (hopefully) reform the changling species.
Interesting! I'm glad I found this story! You planning on updating soon? I'm looking forward to seeing where you'll take it!
1074664
Yes, I am planing to have it up by this weekend. That is if life cooperates with me.
Oh, and Wanderer D commented on my story!
This makes my day, if not my week. I love your writing. I can only hope that I come within sight of the bar you set with The Changeling Queen.
1077281
Life didn't cooperate?
Here's hoping life starts to be more cooperative. It's a really interesting beginning and I really want to know what happens~
1242294
1228248
1119875
I have not stopped, I like writing this story. But like I said life interfered and picking back up the pieces took time. That said I have been done with life for a while now and I am working as fast as I can on this chapter. It seems that I'm not that fast. BUT I am close to being done, not there but close. Then its off to my editor and then up for you guys. I will finish this story, no matter how long it takes.
1247542
Good to hear, but still take all the time you need. I look forwards for the next part.
I am so so sorry for the massive delay in getting this out. I have no excuses. But, here it is and as always I would appreciate any constructive criticism you can provide. I am already working on the next chapter, but I'm not going to put a time frame on its completion. I know that I'm just going to miss the deadline if I make one.
On another note. I learned that I hate writing fight scenes.
I approve of this, fight scene didn't seem that bad to be honest, dood.
I'd yell at you to write moar, but with Borderlands 2 coming out tomorrow, who'll have time to write, dood?
Very nice.
This story is coming along really well. Good Job.
Seems quite well done, but I will read it again when I am not so sleepy.
Now onto the main events.
Twilight NOO! Quick call some one!
1294630
I agree with this sentiment. Borderlands 2 is gonna keep me from this site for some time now.
Too late Twilight. Your fate is sealed, the hive will do anything to survive. Maybe your perspective will shift once you are responsible for a whole species.
Oh snap! I was beginning to think this story would never update again. I'm definitely glad it did
.
Well, whether you like writing fight scenes or not, you're good at it so kudos to you. There were a few minor grammar issues here and there, but nothing bad, and aside form that I thought the chapter was fantastic. Keep up the good work brony.
The damage done to AJ was a little dark but if Twily did not get captured the story could not advance.
The only question i have about the fight is Why didn't Twilight just grab AJ and teleport out after she got hurt?
It is gong to take some serious ... Threats maby? to make Twilight take responsibility for the changeling species
hmm, they take AJ too?
1295221
i kinda assumed so, along with Big Macintosh.
If nothing else they need the leverage against Twilight.