• Member Since 18th Jun, 2012
  • offline last seen February 17th

yotoeman


T
Source

Ever since the local dentist Colgate moved into town, Bon Bon's shop has steadily decreased in customers. Nowadays, Bon Bon will be lucky to make one sale a day. Facing debt problems due to maintaining the shop's rent, Bon Bon is considering pursuing another career. That is until one day she hears the sound of a lyre player calling her with music. This lyre player might just be what Bon Bon needs in order to save her shop.

Chapters (10)
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Comments ( 58 )

Go on, please...:rainbowderp:

Read up to 3, read more later. Good solid story so far. A couple minor errors. Kill ya to proof read?

Your story is rather cute, and grammatical errors aside its quite readable for a beginner. I would suggest writing out your numbers in word form, and refrain from abbreviating particles as if you were texting on your phone. Writing 'Oh' as 'O' and 'You' as 'u' is quite an eyesore. As for Bon Bon most likely squishing that spider in chapter five... I'm going to say that you should fact check things like that. As far as I can tell, canonical ponies don't kill things no matter what they might be or how threatening they are.

tl;dr version : good job, please keep writing. You have a few things to work on but your story is a fun read. This story gets a thumbs up from me, looking forward to more.

769429 Depends how 'O' is used, but the only instance that is passable is in ch 3, 'O dear Celestia.'

'O' makes it sound more dramatic, it's kinda like old english, makes me think of a Shakespearian play. But still, all of them should be replaced with 'Oh' imo.

Thank you all for the feedback. As a first time writer this is very helpful to me. I went back and brushed up on the grammar and will be updating more chapters very soon. Btw, where's the part where I used 'u' instead of 'You'?

You do realize Vinyl is a MARE, right??:rainbowhuh:

786605 lol yeah I knew that, just a typo. Thanks for correcting me.

Well I am very happy with this chapter.:twilightsmile: I am wondering about "the Incident" that caused Octavia to kick her out, hopefully it will be in a future chapter. I did catch a minor error in a sentence
"Well Lyra I hope your proud of yourself. This is the second establishment you’ve managed to get me kicked out of, which two more than I ever hoped for.”
There should be an is between which and two. Other than that well done!:pinkiehappy:

BB

786870 I see. Thanks for the support! As soon as I can get my editor to cooperate, more will be coming.

Working off of Barbarian's comment; that 'your' should be you're as in 'you are' rather than a possessive adjective.

But enough on grammar; I like this story so far. I await the next chapter eagerly. :twilightsmile:

786758
I figured as much. This isn't the 63 Files.
Good story by the way!

786931
Wow how did I miss that one? lol

787318

Happens to the best of us xD

Tracking out of interest, but you really need a proofreader

Two beautiful lines:
"I heard the spamming of the doorbell."
And
"... I bid you farewell, sir!"

Amazing story!
Keep up the good work!:yay:

Great story! I want more!
one word. COMMAS. Commas are very important when writing. It can change the meaning of "lets eat, kids!" To "lets eat kids!". It saves lives, and helps me be less confused. Like when you use a name in the middle of a sentence: "Oh my Celestia, Lyra, thank you for taking me here...". It not only makes it flow better, it also makes it look more professional!
And apostrophies to show the possesive case.

An interesting beginning; this is the first fic I've seen that has Bon-Bon hurting for business.
I do kind of feel sorry for Berry Punch; the fandom has kept her drunk for how long now?
Looking forward to more of this, and we now need Lyra and Bon-Bon emotes.

And thus the twain do meet!
Interesting, portraying Lyra as a wealthy musician; it is different from how I've seen her in other stories. In this case, different can be a good thing.
Bon-Bon's reaction made me smile, and nice way to drop a reference to Pinkie Pie. :pinkiehappy:
But wait, there is more! Allonsy!

I shall be bold enough to render a suggestion.
When Bon-Bon is explaining her situation to Lyra, I believe she meant to say "debt" and not "dept". A simple error, and easily remedied.
Besides that, not too bad at all. So, Lyra and Octavia have a history...interesting...

Im liking this already.:twilightsmile:

update......still no...... :(
UPDATE! DEWIT FILLY!

Nothing could possibly go wrong.

This was one of the first pictures I found when I looked that up on Google Images.

static.fjcdn.com/comments/freeze+ur+self+nothing+can+possibly+go+wrong+_eedd9d9907e2ed1e4ea3e71bced5409a.png

Also, famous last words.

“I guess I have no other choose then,” <- choice

Short n sweet :pinkiesmile:

This one time, at summer camp....

i check every day for the next chapter
you had to make an amazing story and leve it on a clif hanger:facehoof:
:scootangel:

dont give up on this story, we are waiting!

Ohhh things are getting interesting now!

and nice you play LoL
If you hang around dota 2 too, give me a poke on steam, its same username and I play dota daily

cheers

Go write the confrontation scene right now :flutterrage:
(Seriously though this is a really fun story to read :twilightsheepish:)

Dis. gun. b. GUD!

1) i like the "fancy", and not "french"
2) I would have gone to the water slide:pinkiehappy:

....... why.....the.....cliffhanger.............?
POST NEW CHAPTER NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DEWIT!!!!!!!!!

Ooh, and the past is coming back to bite somepony's tail...

...Weeping pegasi?

879731
I second this first observation. Don't worry, Bon-bon, I can't speak Fancy either.

Canada? Don't you mean CaNEIGHdia? :rainbowlaugh:

Oh This is going to be one hell of a shitstorm.

Damn what a chapter! :pinkiegasp:
Can't wait for the explanation of what happened between them!

First!!

......

goddam CLIFFHANGER :flutterrage:

also a real good chapter

Have I told you how wonderful a shitstorm you made?

Very good show,:moustache:

I think it's funny that Bonbon doesn't know her name is french, or "fancy" as they call it.

Cliffhangers.....are evil. You don't need a cliffhanger, your story is epic. A cliffhanger is not necessary

Curse you and your cliffhangers!!!:flutterrage:

INTRESTED i can't go on this wedsite without checking if you've updated its to good of a story and to big of a cliff hanger :twilightsheepish:

Write more.

*cracks whip*

-_-

I'm canadian. Asshole.

Damn hope this fic isnt dead. :unsuresweetie:

794636

Yeah, she's been drunk for ages... Must be one hell of a hangover the next day. I mean, dayum.

Aside from a few errors, good story.
Plz update soon :fluttershysad:

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