Anathema
Joined 16th Dec, 2014 ·
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Oh finaly another humanxLyra fimfic awesome u get a like and a follow (may the flame guide you)
Great story due. I just hope it dosent keep leavig the story ext time. Goddamn technology.
Any Human X Lyra fic is great in my book.
I like it, it's a nice little human x Lyra fic. I just feel like it needs a little more, maybe a sequel.
7073730
I've actually got a sequel planned for this story. It'll be a while before I write it, though. I've explained why in my blog.
Nice story. Unfortunately, their secret romance is going to be eventually found out.
I liked this story, but the escalation was exponential. Maybe it's my inexperience with 2nd person fics, but I'd definitely question Lyra's motives and advances.
7076619
Your criticism is noted. By escalation, do you mean pacing or something else?
7076643 Definitely pacing. I enjoyed the end result nonetheless, but I felt like there could have been more build-up. If anything, I'm being picky.
7076659
Yeah, that makes sense. Pacing's never been my strong suit. I usually prefer to get to the sexy parts fast, anyway. There's a premature ejaculation joke in there somewhere. If you've got any tips, shoot me a PM.
At first I thought BonBon lied to Lyra that she going to leave for week just to make Lyra drop her guard and she sneaky come back later to caught Lyra in the act. (With human under her)...But it seem not happened...Maybe you can continue with this idea so we can see a human with two hot mares?
I'm halfway through the story and have to say this real quick, it is moving far too fast. There was not character development leading up to the kiss and it just feels empty, "you" don't asking any questions about where you are or how you got there and I guess a week passes from waking up to some of the later scenes? You should really strech this out into like 10 chapters, moving things like the kiss into the later chapters.
7077859
In hindsight, that's probably a good idea. Maybe I'll expand the story more later. Pacing's one of my weak points.
7100520 That's 100% opinion and makes you very much the minority. The stories that have more chapters and character development are the ones with more likes. You can do one shots but you have to get all the plot lines and character development into one chapter, people like Damien Darkside are good at that. But it takes lots of practice.
Short and sweet may sound good and it can be, but currently this story comes out as rushed.
Telling him his story is perfect is nice, but it doesn't help him get better, critic is what many authors, including myself look for, we like the "this is awesome" comments but we treasure the ones with constructive criticism.
That being said, Anathema, you've got a good base here, now work on adding the scenes you time skipped, work on making the conversations a little more real, what kind of character is this anon? How would he react to suddenly waking up in another world? I look forward to seeing your progress.
EQAD sent me here.
7110887
Thanks for letting me know that it's up there. This is probably the best news I've heard in the last couple of weeks.
Huh, may need to write some more or offer commissions
7077859
Agreed. I didn't hate the writing itself, but the whole thing felt rather empty and rushed to a ludicrous degree.
I mean, even just inserting something like:
"This routine continued for a couple of months. Lyra sneaking around Bon Bon to visit me whenever she could, you hiding in the closet whenever you even suspected someone other than Lyra was nosing around. There were some close calls, but you've been lucky so far."
That would have at least solved the rushed romance a bit. It would be a shortcut via exposition, but it would be better than nothing. I mean really, they had hardly spoken more than a dozen lines to each other before the 'L' word was dropped? Anon is a bit empty even by anon standards. He didn't really question his position,
Yeah, this is a short one shot, with a story as an afterthought for the clop, rather than being the point, but for me? It just felt like either the author should have maybe tripled (or, preferably, decupled) the word count to expand the story a bit, or abandoned this premise in favour of something that lent itself better to short word counts.
Again Anathema, I don't dislike the writing itself (from a technical standpoint, it's above par), just the way the premise and characters were handled. I would like to see this premise fleshed out more, as I mentioned. I'd have liked to have heard how/where Lyra found him, some scenes for their relationship to grow more organically (with a short story, you can still timeskip as needed), and perhaps a secondary payoff where anon finds out that the world is mostly cool with him being there and he doesn't need to hide, perhaps after being discovered sneaking out to explore against Lyra's wishes (because who would be content to live in a single room for the rest of their life, really?). TBH, it sounds more like Lyra is the obsessive and possessive sort, keeping him hidden away more to keep this curiosity from leaving her, rather than out of concern for him, and she could grow increasingly conflicted the more she falls for her captive. That too, if you went that route, could be another subplot and hurdle for them to overcome in their relationship, such as it is. TBH, the whole relationship seems rather unhealthy, all things considered, even if it was true she genuinely feared he'd get treated poorly by the officials.
I noticed that you had a sequel in the works. That's good, though I think the story as a whole would benefit from a rewrite, with the sequel ideas you have incorporated. That would be my preference though, and at most just an idea I'm throwing out there. You prefer to jump to the sexytimes ASAP, and that's just your preference and writing style is all.
*Glances at the blog* Well...That's pretty bad. Hope you're feeling better with the passing of time, and the chance to process.
7100520
Personally, I would rather have a romance story without clop, than a clop that rushed things too much. I knew this was short, so I didn't expect much in the story department, but everyone has their own preferences, and expectations when starting something new. This works for you, and that's cool. To each their own, no?
7556019
Yeah, the first thing that came to mind was "Are days faster in Equestria because this is moving kinda fast"
9224782
It's something I find increasingly common in stories, especially those I've read and listened to in the last few years (but is by no means exclusive to them), doubly so with MLP fics. Poor time-sense that is. Narrators and descriptions mentioning X amount of time passed by during Y Event, where Event Y in no way took anywhere near X amount of time.
Case in point, I'll use one of the most popular novels of the modern age. Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone. When Harry is on the island and is counting down the minutes to midnight (and thus, his birthday), he hears things going on outside, which is Hagrid moving about. It seriously takes Hagrid several minutes to go from being just within audible range to Harry to knocking down the door? In spite of the rain and wall blocking the sound of his movement? It would be absurd even if he was a regular human, or even an elderly one that needed to take their time, let alone someone with the stride of a half-giant, especially considering he no doubt wanted to get out of the rain ASAP, to say nothing of finally catching up to Harry. All it would have taken to fix this issue for the most part, was if Harry was counting down seconds instead of minutes.
Stuff like that bugs me.
9225123
Mhm, poor time sense is a killer. Sometime's it's really off-putting for me.