• Member Since 20th Sep, 2015
  • offline last seen 11 hours ago

Jongoji245


A fellow Brony, Bluthy (Don Bluth Fan), Dinosaur lover, G-Fan, and an animation student. I worked on fan fiction in Deviantart, and would like to submit them, revised, to you.

Sequels1

T

This story is a sequel to Heir of the Sands


Over the course of the past two years, magic has been ebbing its way into the Human World. The incident at the Fall Formal, the Battle of the Bands, the First Journey into the Mysterious Beyond, and especially since the Friendship Games has this become more apparent with the Crusaders and Maximals being able to Pony Up and the Predacon Attack at school. Something is going up, and as graduation approaches for the Humane Seven, everyone is getting ready for the next bit of trouble.

And rear its ugly head trouble does again. Chrysalis and Sombra prepare their own army of super soldiers and Tirek prepares to take a visit to their beloved town. Will the secret be kept, or will this be the cause for a war that will determine the fate of the world? Can the Rainbooms and their allies end this threat as they have many a time? Join me as we explore the conclusion to the "Other Visits" Saga.

...

Promoted: 3/20/2016

Recommended Reads

The New Timeline: The Edge, Technomagic War

The Advent of Godzilla (The New Timeline Chapters)

Equestria Girls (Jongojiverse)

A Maximal Crusader

Crossover Tag reference to characters such as Sadira (Aladdin) and Heka (Mummies Alive), may be removed based on opinion. More tags may be added as the story goes on.

Chapters (19)
Comments ( 7 )

if your big on action and adventure stories then do i have an idea to run by you...

7047841 okay well given season 6 is going to be hype as Hell and with so much hype behind starlight and with the burning urge to wanna bring my waifu Sunset Shimmer home

The story i have is a big...BIG crossover story between EQG and MLP...im talking an adventure that makes saving the crystal empire and defeating Tirek look like childsplay

7047916

I've read your blog post about that and I gotta say, twenty chapters for the first story arc of your first story is pretty huge. "The New Timeline" itself has twenty seven chapters spanning over the first three seasons, yet it has at least one prominent story arc in it and that is an OC character of mine, and in turn, Sunset Shimmer, finding peace after the loss of his mom.

By all means, go for it. I'll still give it a read. Though I suggest you look up such massive stories to get a grasp.

I think you've got a really great concept here. Keep on writing! I look forward to reading more. :)

As much as I wanted to get invested on this story, I do have to say that there are a lot of spelling errors, present tense over past, many sentences that were missing commas and ended in full stops other than em dashes, exclamation marks, and question marks.

Furthermore, your lack of horizontal rules make the story all act in one place. I honestly couldn't tell if Chrysalis and Sombra were underground with the entire school due to the lack of a horizontal rule. When you want to break up scenes, you always have a horizontal rule like this:


See the bar that struck across my comment, diving it in two? That was a horizontal rule. You can click on the single straight line in your editing page, or type the letters "hr" into square brackets to put them there.

Overall, you have an interesting premise with the whole story and the ones that came before it. But with rushed pacing, spelling errors, lack of scene transitions, oddly written dialogue, and misplaced or non-existant full stops, commas, exclamation points, or question marks, this story doesn't really appeal to me.

I do hope that I wasn't mean, and I hope that you enjoy the rest of your day.

7543467

Thank you for taking your time. :twilightsmile:

Considering I still have the original drafts on Google Drive, and with the basic version of Grammarly installed, I should be able to do some fixing to all my stories.

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