- Member Since 10th Oct, 2015
- offline last seen March 11th
BiggiePeace
I'm a Brony from Britain who really loves mlp and Naruto and all sorts or Anime and fanfics!
BiggiePeace
Joined 10th Oct, 2015 ·
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I actually will this time. You do realize this exact type of story has been done a couple hundred thousand times before, right?
How will you go from here? I suggest you read other story with bronies in Equestria and Military Brony in equestria. so you don't make the same mistake....So far, the only successful military brony story I've seen is On my honor (I can only remember the the second sequel name for some reason)
Yeah...and the bad guy got of scot free. YAY! Military discipline for the win....
ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS!?
I'll be sure to write this on your tombstone.
Okay, since I just found this in a chat posted by a friend, I'm gonna dig into the description a bit. Away we go.
Allow me to tackle this by sentence.
I'm not sure. Do I care? I've not been given any kind of hook, since I've seen enough of these kinds of clickbait 'click this to see what happens!' ads to instinctively avoid such things. A description for a story is meant to contain a hook for your tale's main plot, and people aren't going to immediately care about a main character and their plight. Despite the subject material of this site, this populace is typically attracted to stores that make themselves out to be more than just 'what would I do if I died and went to Equestria?'
Case in point, actually. Average military brony? Okay, so what's so great about him? Why are we following him instead of anyone else? Why not follow Twilight during her discovery of this fella? Why not follow Rainbow, who already has an established story in the canon? What makes this character great enough to star in a written story, instead of existing in the background?
No, you aren't allowed to quote the ending to MLP's 100th episode. Sure, everybody has their story, and everybody finds interest in their story, and yes, I found the episode to have quite a powerful message in its ending. But, and this is a big 'but', not every story deserves to be shared in the limelight. Stories that are told around the campfire are captivating, legendary, they take the imagination and run wild with it.
You can't just say this is an average guy in average old Equestria, and expect anybody to jump in and check it out beyond the odd bystander.
I'd probably just switch the channel at this point. Right, on to— wait, wait... no, not done with the description. Ahem!
So, you are aware that this is the most common, by-the-book defense of pretty much every author out there, right? Just because it's your first story, it doesn't mean that it's exempt from criticism, nor does it mean that you have a free pass to make something uninteresting or, dare I say it in the face of this description, crap.
I'm going to be blunt with you here. Here on FIMFiction, there is a standard of quality supported by the myriad of fics already here that everybody at least tries to hold to, after reading some stories in the subject they want to do. And I will say that I read my fair share of stories before attempting to write, and yes, the story was pretty bad. It had an interesting subject, certainly, but the subject had been done far better by an author I admired (Silent Ponyville for the next pachinko game, woo!)
When you have stories as bad as 'A New Pony In Town' (no matter how many times the author says this was a trollfic, it's a lie), you have Short Skirts And Explosions, Wanderer D, Obscelescence and a load of other great authors who hit the ground running from their very first story. Just because it's your first, doesn't mean you should just hammer something out and throw it to the wolves, it's not a good way to get yourself started.
Instead, and this is advice I give to pretty much every new author I come across, I suggest reading a few stories and see how they piece together their plots. Give your own story some thought, examine its plot line, and see if it's interesting. What people look for is good characterization, plot lines that don't match the norm, messages that either warm the heart or freeze the soul. From the greatest of comedies that are laugh a minute, piss-your-pants-and-cry joke machines, to the most terrible of tragedies where the world that once was turning in the character's favor, just falls apart at the last minute.
Readers want an interesting story, one that'll make them laugh, cry, and think. Will your story inspire laughter? Will it sway the heart or charm us into a false sense of security? Will it become a beautiful romance between two star-crossed lovers who've known each other for years, and finally found their one partner in life? Or, hell, multiple partners!
I can't say 'yes' from the description I've seen. And so, that's where I stop. I'm commenting merely to state my thoughts on why I'm not reading this story, and I do suggest you keep your ears open for whoever does drop by to read this, as everyone will have their own pieces of criticism to offer.
Oh, and just as a warning. Don't delete comments you don't like. Trust me, it never, ever ends well for you. There's so many users on this site that love to watch fics like this for eventual author meltdowns that will catch on to your efforts immediately, and after that, your credibility is smoked before you're even out of the gate. It's kinda like a horse race, where you cussed out someone giving you criticism, then found your horse shot at the start of the race.
While everybody runs off ahead of you, and the eventual winner is decided and given their praise, there you are at the start line, crying as your hopes and dreams literally bleed out in front of you.
Aaaand that was morbid.
6517971
What he said.
Also cool it with the tags.
This story makes me want to start cutting again...
10/10. Best story. Would rub over my body again.
6518096
Hi, Kit. Sup?
Also yeah, cool it on the tags, author. The genres you set up as tags should be the major themes your story follows, not everything that ends up getting mentioned in the story. If the story is gonna be majorly a romance, but have a few funny lines here and there, a few misteps along the way, maybe a bit of a sideplot involving horror, the story doesn't immediately become a Romance/Comedy/Tragedy/Dark story. It's still just a Romance story, with some other stuff.
Feels like troll fic, smells like troll fic.
Drunk me read now, sober me take consequence tomorroe
I'm drunk, so take this with a grain of salt
There no boot camp thats 6 months long, marine corps is like 3 months. And it blows. A lot
Also, 4th infantry is in Colorado, because Carson,? Shit I barely remember, I'm from that area and I ain't heard of 8th infantry there. Only 4th ID, then again, I don't know army infantry units since I'm a marine.
Also drunk review is obvious
If you're from Colorado, then fuck yeah!
indeed a good read
I like were this is going.
I like it. Its funny too which is a plus. Keep up the good work!
I like this story. A LOT. Update more please.
Dude please keep updating this! I love this story already. I was going to do something very similar actually! Very inspiring in that regard.
And now I am so lost... The whole story just flipped quite literally completely backwards. HELP ME UNDERSTAND!
I dont even.....what the fuck?
6528839 agreed
6518624 go home tom, you're drunk.
6517645 well, as far as we know, there is no way i can think of without killing the flow of the story
funny, expect for derpy being cousin of herself :P
random and unexpected rule 63 is random and unexpected.
Can do. Still getting the dislike, though.
6529479
I really should stop reading while drunk off my ass, but it's so much fun.
6529646
I love you, please I want you. I'll be your alcohol baby, just consume me, all of me in 10 seconds flat.
6518624 Bit of info on the Boot camp training times.
If you're referencing American only boot camp then you're right but if you mean 3 months for every countries boot camp then you are wrong.
The Australian defence force has a 6 month boot camp plus a 3 month specialisation course (Rifleman, Engineering, Artillery, Mechanised, Communications) and then after that it's a 2 month waiting period to settle in at the barracks and that's just for enlisted. For officers it's a bit longer as they have to go through a Uni course, Basic, Spec and then Officers where they will be cranked out with the lowest possible Officers Rank. (the Specialisation training can take anywhere from 1 month up to 4 months depending on what you choose.)
(If you were only talking about America then sorry for useless comment. Guess I'm just itching to spread my knowledge.
6529665
Yeah I was talking American, story seems to be from an American POV, so I made assumptions (drunk assumptions, but same thing). I know nothing else about other countries militaries, so excuse my blatant ignorance.
Though to be fair, in the Marine Corps It does take six months for infantry marines to get to their units, after Boot and Infantry school, they get sent to wherever grunt unit needs them, I'm not certain about the U.S. Army, but I think it might be a little shorter.
And, living in Colorado for all my life, I know there isn't an 8th infantry division there.
6529653
Later my child, later. Whence you become thy potent and awful liquor upon which I guzzle my throat.
6529713 Question! Is it true American army troops get 6 weeks of basic?
6529721 in 1997 when I went through it, US Army Basic Training was 8 weeks, last I heard these days it's closer to 10, though I could be wrong. Do note that's only basic combat training and not advanced instructional training for your particular 'job' in the army, that can 4-6 weeks (88M Truck Driver) to 18 months (Linguist/Translator)
6529819 Ah, thanks for clarifying.
I apologize but I just have to point this out,
??? (Whereas I like the idea of this story) I feel that you could give, even if only a little, more insight into that statement or else it just seems a bit lazy. Maybe say he dies in the line of duty? That would make it read that much more smoothly.
6533115 If you or anybody believes that the intention for this story was to ever be read all smooth like, then you are positively, undoubtably, bang on correct about everything guv.
Beware the smooth stories that dont give enough context...
Alright, I'm going to go through this and just be honest with what I see and find the major issues, rather than just a total review. I don't have too much time on me right now.
I'm pretty sure this is largely a myth. I understand the Brony community will obviously get some odd glances and jeering remarks now and then but I don't think I've heard of a person being an outcast of society just for that.
Does anyone actually use the term 'trigger' like this outside of the internet?
That would be called Reveille, not 'morning bugle call'.
Also incorrect. A squad is usually made up of around 9 or so men, broken up into two teams of four and with the Staff Sergeant heading the whole squad.
There is no chance in hell of you convincing me that this would happen.
Alright, this is where you really need to stop and think to yourself, cause I'm going to lay out what's happening here on it's own.
A group of soldiers is going to lynch one of their own men for being a Brony.
Now withhold all the 'buts' and let that sink in for a while, a sentence like that shouldn't have had to be written.
This is also how you get to Equestira...by being lynched... This is really, really bad man.
That's about all I really want to read from. It's also interesting to note there's not too much military-centered stuff in this so far. Of course that could change in the future chapters, but I really don't want to read them now.
6529713
The 4th Division is stationed in Fort Carson, but the unit in reference here is the 8th Infantry Regiment, not the division. The regiment is Headquartered at Carson also, though as with most regiments it's battalions are scattered among the army.
6534512 It's an alternate Universe, that's why everfing is different blud, you feel me?
6534814
No, I don't; there's no real indication of that. None of this makes sense.
6534939 It's alright bud it's ok I luv u
6534512
Sorry man, my knowledge of Army units is real small. should have paid attention as a kid, since my mother was freakin Army.
6539775
Na, it's fine. Hardly a big deal. I didn't know at first either, had to look it up.
6528839
6529200
6529505
So, I'm not going more insane?
6543602 we are all going insane by the minute. But about this? Naww ur good.
6543602 well, ya, you are still going insane, but not because of the story
???? wat?
No. Just no.
*reads last part and dirty thought comes up*oh hell no
38.media.tumblr.com/7cdc544e16e09f8d4af679b01574e20e/tumblr_inline_ns7o64ZYrB1sjh1ps_500.gif
also
Why does everyone think just because its your first story means you have a silver bullet into pantie town?
Oh no.
OH NO! Please God no!
I'll be gentle as a bee that stung your ass. Seriously don't ever put this in here. You're just asking for trouble.
And it's quite hard for me to care right now. What kind of intro sentence is that? You need to grab your audience right away, and you by all chances just sucked any life out of the story by that one sentence.
Oh go cry me a river special snowflake #3425. You're just as bland as the rest.
I got that you're character was a brony in the description. And while I'm a brony, there's more to life than just ponies (hell MLP is probably like one percent of my life at best). I think there are doctors for how obsessed you are with ponies.
And still not caring. You've given us nothing to indicate that we should care about your character besides some special snowflake story. Yawn I've seen it all by now.
Some parents you have there giving in when you don't get any thing you want. Again, how am I supposed to like this character? He is our protagonist right? You know, the character that we're supposed to be cheering for.
That's about as far as I got before I stopped. This is just your typical self-insert fantasy wish (and minus points for it being Fluttershy). Move along people. Just move along.
6578342 You didn't even get to the r63 yet... or my Fedora's.... Do you know how hard it is to be able to write such genius, it's... it's nearly impossible to come up with but I do it for you! Yes you plebs out there, I do it to cater for you and I don't even charge cookies! ! !! ! !