this is my first fimific so be gentle

I actually will this time. You do realize this exact type of story has been done a couple hundred thousand times before, right?

How will you go from here? I suggest you read other story with bronies in Equestria and Military Brony in equestria. so you don't make the same mistake....So far, the only successful military brony story I've seen is On my honor (I can only remember the the second sequel name for some reason)

Yeah...and the bad guy got of scot free. YAY! Military discipline for the win....

ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS!?

P.S Also this is human to pony so don't like don't read!!! ! ! ! ! ! !! !!

I'll be sure to write this on your tombstone.

Okay, since I just found this in a chat posted by a friend, I'm gonna dig into the description a bit. Away we go.

What happens when a military Brony suddenly dies and wakes up in Equestria? Follow the adventures of Steven! Your average military Brony who dies and gets a chance at a new life in Equestria.

However can he come to terms with his violent death and his transformation into a pegasus? Tune in to find out!

*Writer's note* Hey guys this is my first fimific so be gentle and please comment and like and all that stuff. xx

P.S Also this is human to pony so don't like don't read!!! ! ! ! ! ! !! !!

Allow me to tackle this by sentence.

What happens when a military Brony suddenly dies and wakes up in Equestria?

I'm not sure. Do I care? I've not been given any kind of hook, since I've seen enough of these kinds of clickbait 'click this to see what happens!' ads to instinctively avoid such things. A description for a story is meant to contain a hook for your tale's main plot, and people aren't going to immediately care about a main character and their plight. Despite the subject material of this site, this populace is typically attracted to stores that make themselves out to be more than just 'what would I do if I died and went to Equestria?'

Follow the adventures of Steven! Your average military Brony who dies and gets a chance at a new life in Equestria.

Case in point, actually. Average military brony? Okay, so what's so great about him? Why are we following him instead of anyone else? Why not follow Twilight during her discovery of this fella? Why not follow Rainbow, who already has an established story in the canon? What makes this character great enough to star in a written story, instead of existing in the background?

No, you aren't allowed to quote the ending to MLP's 100th episode. Sure, everybody has their story, and everybody finds interest in their story, and yes, I found the episode to have quite a powerful message in its ending. But, and this is a big 'but', not every story deserves to be shared in the limelight. Stories that are told around the campfire are captivating, legendary, they take the imagination and run wild with it.

You can't just say this is an average guy in average old Equestria, and expect anybody to jump in and check it out beyond the odd bystander.

However can he come to terms with his violent death and his transformation into a pegasus? Tune in to find out!

I'd probably just switch the channel at this point. Right, on to— wait, wait... no, not done with the description. Ahem!

*Writer's note* Hey guys this is my first fimific so be gentle and please comment and like and all that stuff. xx
P.S Also this is human to pony so don't like don't read!!! ! ! ! ! ! !! !!

So, you are aware that this is the most common, by-the-book defense of pretty much every author out there, right? Just because it's your first story, it doesn't mean that it's exempt from criticism, nor does it mean that you have a free pass to make something uninteresting or, dare I say it in the face of this description, crap.

I'm going to be blunt with you here. Here on FIMFiction, there is a standard of quality supported by the myriad of fics already here that everybody at least tries to hold to, after reading some stories in the subject they want to do. And I will say that I read my fair share of stories before attempting to write, and yes, the story was pretty bad. It had an interesting subject, certainly, but the subject had been done far better by an author I admired (Silent Ponyville for the next pachinko game, woo!)

When you have stories as bad as 'A New Pony In Town' (no matter how many times the author says this was a trollfic, it's a lie), you have Short Skirts And Explosions, Wanderer D, Obscelescence and a load of other great authors who hit the ground running from their very first story. Just because it's your first, doesn't mean you should just hammer something out and throw it to the wolves, it's not a good way to get yourself started.

Instead, and this is advice I give to pretty much every new author I come across, I suggest reading a few stories and see how they piece together their plots. Give your own story some thought, examine its plot line, and see if it's interesting. What people look for is good characterization, plot lines that don't match the norm, messages that either warm the heart or freeze the soul. From the greatest of comedies that are laugh a minute, piss-your-pants-and-cry joke machines, to the most terrible of tragedies where the world that once was turning in the character's favor, just falls apart at the last minute.

Readers want an interesting story, one that'll make them laugh, cry, and think. Will your story inspire laughter? Will it sway the heart or charm us into a false sense of security? Will it become a beautiful romance between two star-crossed lovers who've known each other for years, and finally found their one partner in life? Or, hell, multiple partners!

I can't say 'yes' from the description I've seen. And so, that's where I stop. I'm commenting merely to state my thoughts on why I'm not reading this story, and I do suggest you keep your ears open for whoever does drop by to read this, as everyone will have their own pieces of criticism to offer.

Oh, and just as a warning. Don't delete comments you don't like. Trust me, it never, ever ends well for you. There's so many users on this site that love to watch fics like this for eventual author meltdowns that will catch on to your efforts immediately, and after that, your credibility is smoked before you're even out of the gate. It's kinda like a horse race, where you cussed out someone giving you criticism, then found your horse shot at the start of the race.

While everybody runs off ahead of you, and the eventual winner is decided and given their praise, there you are at the start line, crying as your hopes and dreams literally bleed out in front of you.

Aaaand that was morbid.

6517971

What he said.

Also cool it with the tags.

This story makes me want to start cutting again...

10/10. Best story. Would rub over my body again.

6518096

Hi, Kit. Sup?

Also yeah, cool it on the tags, author. The genres you set up as tags should be the major themes your story follows, not everything that ends up getting mentioned in the story. If the story is gonna be majorly a romance, but have a few funny lines here and there, a few misteps along the way, maybe a bit of a sideplot involving horror, the story doesn't immediately become a Romance/Comedy/Tragedy/Dark story. It's still just a Romance story, with some other stuff.

Feels like troll fic, smells like troll fic.

Drunk me read now, sober me take consequence tomorroe

I'm drunk, so take this with a grain of salt

There no boot camp thats 6 months long, marine corps is like 3 months. And it blows. A lot

Also, 4th infantry is in Colorado, because Carson,? Shit I barely remember, I'm from that area and I ain't heard of 8th infantry there. Only 4th ID, then again, I don't know army infantry units since I'm a marine.

Also drunk review is obvious

If you're from Colorado, then fuck yeah!

6518624 go home tom, you're drunk.

6517645 well, as far as we know, there is no way i can think of without killing the flow of the story

While this has been good so far. The chances of your friends or allies in the military hanging you for liking a show is highly unlikely. Not to mention if he had gone missing the evidence would have been everywhere.

6517971 As I read this, I imagined your voice being Alex from I Hate Everything, on Youtube

Alright this first part goes out to all the other reviewers. My message to all of you can be summed up in two words: FUCK YOU! All you are saying is that you hate it. Why? Because it is a plotline that has been used before. Allow me to make a counter argument in the form of a quote: "If it's cliche, that means it's perfected!"

Okay, now that I'm done ranting, the chapter has a lot of filler. I can understand why, but maybe try and work on that.

6518624
Denver

6517971 6518147
Why so much hate in the comments if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all this was his first story give him some slack

Okay, to the author 1st comment of feedback. When the hanging began you lost me, there is not enough back story to leading up to it, also, this begs the question where are the officers. all live fire exercises I monitored by an officer, for obvious safety reasons. Even if its monitored by camera feed, or drone feed, they still watch.

secondly you don't have enough comers, and you have a few redundant sentences.

Also you should listen to Elric of Melnipony he is a skilled author, he helped me better my own stories he may be blunt, but he does deliver good feedback.

А я русский. Что я тут забыл?

this novel is shits with randomness. and "comedy" is as horrendous as big bang theory's.

this seems interesting

Okay this chapter is dumb as hell here’s why...
A. The MC gets hanged for liking a cartoon? That’s the best you could think off? The MC is in the army he could've died in numerous other ways, except you go with him being murdered by his own team and then you don't even show us the repercussions they should face for doing it!
B. The nonchalance of him waking up in a cartoon and yes maybe he freaks out next chapter but I haven't gotten to that yet...