Epilogue: Field Trip
Epilogue: Field Trip
The group of fillies and colts moved through the Palace Gardens, their eyes greedily taking in the sights of the well-kept flowers, hedges, and statues.
The mare leading them stopped in front of a statue of a slender alicorn and a burly unicorn, both displayed with determined even ferocious looks, as if preparing for battle. “Alright, class, and finally here we have the statue of Shining Armour and Princess Cadence, set here only a few months ago to celebrate their tenth wedding anniversary. They saved Canterlot from a changeling invasion that happened right in the middle of their wedding. With the enemy bursting through the gates, it was their courage and love that saved everyone, even when the Elements of Harmony were disabled. So you see, children, never give up, even when the odds are stacked against you.”
The class of twelve ten-year-old foals (and one whelpchick) stood before the intricate carvings of the statue. Cadence’s feathers were all clearly outlined, as were Shining Armour’s fetlocks, right down to the one stray hair on his left front hoof neither his mother nor his sister ever made him forget.
The griffon girl of the group grimaced. “I liked the dragonequus better.”
A unicorn filly with a mirror cutie mark scowled. “You‘d like any monster better than a pretty couple.”
The Earth pony mare did a headcount, then called out to the usual straggler. “Guiding Gale! I told you to stay with the group.”
Guiding Gale, an air superiority blue blank flank pegasus with a neckerchief wrapped around his neck (complete with pockets for some snacks) and a mane that looked like an ocean blue flame, rubbed his eyes as he chewed on something. He flew in slowly from back at Discord's statue, then settled down with the rest of the group. “Sorry, miss Merry. What did I miss?”
The griffon curtly pointed to the two stone ponies. “That’s Shining Armour, that’s Princess Cadence. They love each other, and we’re all very grateful for that,”
Miss Merry, however, was more interested in the contents of the boy’s mouth than in his lack of interest in current events. “Is that gum in your mouth?”
“No, miss.” He sucked on the thing some more. He didn’t want to swallow it just yet.
“What did I tell you about eating sweets on a fieldtrip?”
“It’s not sweets, miss. It’s medicinal.” He pouted with indignation. This the eighteenth time in two weeks, stupid pollen season.
With all the tact of an elephant in a china shop, the cerise mare with the smiling poppy cutie mark leaned in and smelled his breath. “Well, I stand corrected, then. So, class, any questions?”
The foals remained silent.
Gale grunted, before nudging his griffon friend. “Adila, you owe me big time. I’ll never live that down now.”
“Hey, it was either the sound of us chewing through a love scene of our stomachs growling through it. Be glad they didn’t kick us out of the theatre.”
“Excuse me, miss… Merry, is it? My name is Blazing Shield, and you are the class from Bogsdown, I presume?” A grey pegasus came towards the group, walking through the statue garden just as they were ready to leave. It was a Royal Guard in full armour, but he seemed less serious than the ones they’d seen around. He was also unarmed, which was even more unusual.
Miss Merry Poppies turned to face the new arrival. “That is us. Is there a problem, sir?”
“No problem. I’ve been instructed to give you and your class here a little tour of the Phoenix Garden Hall of Fame. There are some names and faces I’m told you should see. It’s quite a rare sight, I assure you.”
“But that section of the Palace is off limits, isn’t it? We didn’t request permission to go there.”
“And yet, someone gave it to you. My guess is one of the nobles wanted to add a bit more culture to your visit, they can be random at times. Or perhaps one of your little ponies has important parents. At any rate, would you care to follow me, please?”
“Alright, class, I guess we get a look behind the screens. We can’t stay for too long, though, sir. We came by train and have a tight schedule to keep.”
“I’ll try to be as brief and as interesting as I can, then. Just one thing.” The stallion turned to Gale. ”Is that gum?”
“No sir.” The boy quivered. ”It’s medicinal. For allergies.” Make that nineteen times in two weeks.
“Ah, of course. It is pollen season, after all.” The stallion seemed to accept that explanation.
All the other foals, though, had a bit of a laugh at Gale’s expense.
He didn’t mind.
Not like he wasn’t used to it by now.
“And that is why it takes so long for the Wonderbolts to take in new members.” Blazing Shield wrapped up the explanation he’d given on the way.
Miss Merry nodded. “That makes a lot of sense, actually. I never realised that.”
Adila raised an eyebrow. “Wait, I don't get it. How was Equestria made again?”
“And now we come to the hallowed Hall of Fame. As you can see, here we hang the portraits of the great pegasus heroes. And before you ask, the unicorns are five corridors down south, the Earth ponies are just left from the royal arenas. But it’s the pegasi I’ve been instructed to show you.”
“What are we doing here, again?” Magic Mirror -- the unicorn filly with the mirror cutie mark -- asked.
Adila grinned. “Someone seems to think we need to see some more awesome flyers. As if I’m not good enough for the likes of you.”
That got a chuckle from Gale and the other foals. It was a mixed bunch, consisting of unicorns, Earth ponies and pegasi. There were, however, only three blank flanks in their class. One was a griffon, one was a grey Earth pony filly with a blonde mane and a bit of a reputation for being clumsy, and the last one was Guiding Gale.
“Well, now that you mention it, the griffons who serve Equestria do have their own Hall of Fame, but that’s not in this palace. And I don’t know why exactly you are here, all I know is someone asked me to show you… these.”
The class grouped up before two portraits, arranged in height by what looked like age. At the top was a light blue mare who looked in her twenties, with a rainbow-patterned mane. Blazing Shield had flown up to just underneath it to give his explanation.
“This is somepony you’ll probably know. Her name is Rainbow Dash. You know her as the Element of Harmony, more specifically that of Loyalty, and as the Wonderbolt. You’ve probably seen the rainbow trail from Bogsdown when she goes on her commute from Ponyville to here every single day. You may even know that she is the first pegasus to perform the Sonic Rainboom in one hundred years, and the first one to be able to do it on command in two hundred years.”
The foals gaped at the picture. Of course they knew Rainbow Dash, it was kind of hard not to.
“What you probably don’t know is that when she first did the Sonic Rainboom, she was no older than you. She was just ten years old when she first did the impossible. It took a long time before it was acknowledged as such, she even had to do it a second time just to prove she could do it. But what’s important to note here is how fast she went. The Sonic Rainboom only happens when a pegasus moves so fast the field of magic around her - her aura, her very soul, even - can barely keep up.”
Adila raised a talon. “Wait, so that forcefield is the soul showing?”
Blazing nodded. “Indeed. The soul of a pony doing the Sonic Rainboom moves so fast that it it begins to move at the same rhythm as the soul of our very universe. The barrier that appears is the border between a pony's soul and our world's soul, or so the legend goes. That is what causes the explosion. It is the liberation of the soul from the limits of the body, and the pony's soul touching that of the world. When the Rainboom is accomplished, both soul and body are set free, and the secrets of our world are said to be revealed. If you believe in that sort of thing.” He smirked.
Miss Merry was impressed at the guard’s explanation, he had them riveted. Then he pointed to the portrait under Dash’s and to her right. It was an orange filly with a purple mane that looked like a feather because of the colour pattern. She was about their age, maybe two or three years older.
Adila squeed at the sight, Gale chuckled to himself before their teacher glared them to silence.
“This one is a little less famous, but still well-known in certain circles.” He smiled at the griffon who apparently liked stunts. ”Her name is Scootaloo. This flyer's claim to fame, believe it or not, is sticking to the ground. During the Dirt Lovers Derby, this little filly on a scooter managed to flap her wings so fast, some claim she could have made a Sonic Rainboom if she wanted. Only her experience was slightly different. She kept her wings angled to let the air push her down on the ground. As a result, she instinctively took control of the air around her. Eventually, she went so fast that the winds formed the shape of a hammerhead shark, vaguely, mind you. You see, when a pegasus moves that fast while putting that much power into her stability, the air starts to warp around them without their active control. Their soul, rather than seeking to meet that of the world, seeks to protect the body instead. The rider becomes one with the wind, as it were. This speed is just below the limit of a Sonic Rainboom. Instead of breaking through the soul barrier, the barrier is made to bend, even fold.”
Blazing paused for a moment to let that sink in.
“Scootaloo is the first pegasus in a century to be able to perform the Hammerhead. Because of the distortions she causes in the air, she becomes invulnerable for a short time, surrounded by a shield made of pure vibrations and stronger than dragon scales. Any object that tries to stop a Hammerhead fails. The forward motion cannot be interrupted by any material barrier. When that hammer and triple fin shape appears, the forces around the rider simply push everything aside, or let the rider go right up the wall, defying gravity as easily as riding a bike and manoeuvring at top speed without ever missing a beat or losing contact with whatever's underneath. It is indeed... the perfect ride.”
Magic Mirror scowled. “Wow, looks like fillies and mares do all the good stuff in Equestria.”
Blazing Shield grinned at that, before flying aside to show the third portrait, completing what was revealed to be a triangle. It was a dark blue colt with a spiky mane, who looked about ten. “You might think so, but before you let that go to your head, consider this one. This is Doldrum Whimper. He got his picture up here by sheer courage. His friend was waylaid by a demon who’d been giving the Royal Guard the slip for centuries. I believe your region knows him as the legendary Baron of the Marshes, or Kludde.”
That got a few gulps. Everyone knew that name, and most of the stories. Not this one, though.
“Rather than stand idly by while his friend was hurt, Whimper chased after the creature. It then cast its spell on him, magically setting his lungs on fire and putting a crushing weight on his back, or at least making it feel as such. I don’t think I need to tell you that this was not a pleasant experience. Barely able to breathe, and with the Baron ready to finish him for his insolence, he still managed to find the strength to fight the thing.”
Some jaws dropped at that.
“Imagine being so scared and angry that it whites out all rational thought. Imagine seeing your deepest self, all the ugly bits that you try so hard to hide, just bursting out in the open and taking over. That is what happened to Whimper, and he wielded his rage like a true warrior. With a surge of strength, he broke the thing’s hold -- on his throat, I might add -- and managed to unbalance it. That broke the spell, and with that opening, he managed to do on his own what it took the Royal Guard months of planning and entire platoons to do. He hurt it, and what's more, he stopped it from fleeing, something we never accomplished.”
More jaws dropped.
“This was a colt with no military or martial training whatsoever, but he trusted his instincts when they took over. He hurt the thing." Pause for dramatic effect. "Badly, to the point that the Royal Guard just had to pick up the pieces and throw what remained of Kludde into Tartarus, where he’s been ever since.”
Magic Mirror frowned. “I don’t get it. Those three don’t make a set, do they? Whimper shouldn’t be hanging next to them. Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo got here by being fast, he got here by just getting angry and fighting?”
“Not quite. You see, Doldrum Whimper managed to summon the sort of strength we in the Royal Guard aspire to. By letting his inner self out -- and believe you me, facing your dark side is not an easy trick -- he managed to dodge an instantly cast spell that would have otherwise sealed his fate. He later learned how to do that on command. Ask your unicorn friends to tug at your tail with magic and then you'll know how fast you need to be to dodge that sort of spell.”
Silence fell.
The guard pointed to Rainbow Dash’s portrait again. “Rainbow Dash, faster than the speed of soul.”
Next came the orange filly. “Scootaloo, faster than the speed of wall.”
Lastly, he pointed to Whimper’s. “Doldrum Whimper, faster than the speed of magic.”
Adila was smiling at that.
“All three accomplished the impossible, moving at speeds that no one would ever have thought they could. To this day, these three are the fastest living things in or under the Equestrian sky. And all three of them did these incredible feats while they were still blank flanks. Let that be a lesson to you. Potential comes in many forms. Respect the ones around you, for they may surprise you one day.”
He let that last lesson sink in for a bit.
“They only got their cutie mark either doing these incredible feats or even later, in Whimper’s case. The two young mares you see here are speedsters who to date remain unmatched in their respective fields, even by each other. As for Doldrum Whimper, he took the spear test from Princess Luna when he was ten, making him the youngest pony in recorded history to pass it and the first to be acknowledged by Luna since her return from exile. After a little over a decade, and countless Warrior Meets with the Royal Guard and all our martial arts grandmasters present, the only pony to ever beat him in combat was the Ashen Blizzard himself, the highest ranked martial artist alive and personal sparring partner to Celestia and Luna.
Another pause for dramtic effect.
“That is how capable a fighter he is. He was beaten only by the best. So yes, you have a fair point, he never even participated in a real race. Yet that colt was put here for his speed, a speed on extreme close range that makes him a terror in combat. Doldrum Whimper is, to this very day, the strongest civilian warrior in Equestria, and remains nigh undefeated as such. No one, short of the Ashen Blizzard, has ever brought him down.”
“Umm… excuse me, sir?” Adila raised a talon again, much to the chagrin of her teacher. ”That’s not completely true.”
The pegasus guard set down on the ground and gave her a quizzical look. “Really, now? Pray tell.”
“Well… Doldrum Whimper’s from our town, sir, and he’s been beaten, I’ve seen it.” She nudged the pegasus next to her. ”Gale, back me up on this, would you?”
Blazing smiled to himself. “You’ve seen the Mangler from the Marshlands be beaten? Care to explain how that happened?”
The griffon girl just kept prodding the blank flank next to her with an elbow. “Come on, tell him.”
Finally Gale relented and sighed. “Umm... sort of, I guess? He has gotten beaten in combat, but not for real.”
“My dear boy, beating someone in combat is always ‘for real’, or it’s not combat. And if there is a pony who can beat that good a fighter, even if it is just in a practice match, I’m sure the rest of the Royal Guard would love to hear about it. So by all means, explain yourself.” Blazing gestured with a hoof..
The boy gritted his teeth. He glared at Adila for bringing it up, but continued, as asked. “Well, yeah, he is a great fighter, and I’m sure everything you’ve said is true, sir. I know, I’ve seen him knock the right head of a hydra out cold by hitting the left one. But technically he’s been beaten in combat, I guess.”
“You guess or you know, boy?” The guard smiled.
The blank flank swallowed the herbal pastille he’d been sucking on, then shyly kicked the ground. He averted his gaze as his whole class, and the guard, stared at him. “It’s nothing serious, sir, really, it’s just…”
Another nudge from his griffon friend, and the colt finally spilled the beans as he looked up at the portraits.
“He still lets his little brother win sometimes.”
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Wow...I really like that ending. Great ending to a great story. Any estimate on when we'll see the sequel? dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Scootaloo_lolface.png
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See above comments, sir. I have many ideas, the sequel is just one of them. But it will happen. And thanks for for the comment; I figured I've used the Worf effect so much in this fic...I should use it for the "D'awws" at least once, no? I'll probably put something in my blog explaining what I mean by the synopsis, in case people missed it. It wouldn't do to try and establish 'Bullhead' as a trope and then not define it properly. But that's for later.
Ah, ok. I had read that comment, I just...missed that part, I suppose. Can't wait! Good luck on exams, btw!
Damn, I even understand the 'Warrior's spirit' thing. I've been in that zone pretty much every time I did sparring back when I still did training.
I seriously out fought an equal ranked opponent while wondering what was for dinner.
I'm looking forward to the sequal.
Good work!
This has been a consistently good story throughout, and I enjoyed reading it.
Finally got around to finishing this. I'll say, I'm keeping it in my top favs no doubt about it. You said something about a sequel, so I shall await that.
all of my dawww
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Thanks for the dawwws, and more importantly: thanks for spreading the story. I'm assuming you're the one who referred Vynn the Ocarinist to this?
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Yes I was. He is my roommate and he got me into ponies in the first place over a year ago and were a lot alike so I knew he would like this story.
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Eeyup
I KEEP PRESSING THE THUMBS UP BUTTON BUT IT WONT GIVE YOU MORE THUMBS ASREINSIBPNPBNDFPIBNDAFBIPADN
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Well, I know you cannot give more thumbs, but it's the thought that counts. Thank you for the enthusiastic feedback, glad you like it.
Greetings, I’m Simon o’Sullivan, reviewer of WRITE. My beard and I have been summoned because you’re interested in finding ways to improve this fic of yours. You’ve come to the right place. Here, let’s have a review.
I know what you mean, that she’s a little nervous. However, in this case, when using quantities of any kind, it’s better to simply say “she shuffled nervously” or “she shuffled a little, nervous.”
We need a description for this dudette (really, I had to wait until Twilight appears to know that the drill sergeant was a mare, and a bit later to know that she was RD). If you want to go for the classic “Full Metal Jacket” drill sergeant, describe her like that. Is she only scary because she’s screaming at them? Or does she have some imposing features, like an eye patch, or scars all over her face? Or is she an acid-dripping, Celestia-forsaken abomination? I want to know, and so do the readers.
The first thing is: use everypony and nopony. Second, this lady, for being the terrifying Sergeant Dornan from Fallout 2, seems quite chilled. If this girl is “the scariest pegasus in all of Equestria”, she should behave properly. Show how he screams at them (exclamation points and all) and make her do gestures that are imposing, like pounding the ground and all. For the sake of scariness, my beard will assume that rule 63 Snowflake is the drill sergeant. Yes, I know that, later on, we know that she’s Rainbow Dash. However, until then, we have no idea or clue about it.
This is a personal note, but you REALLY have to point out and justify the family bonds you make up here. Since we’ve only seen Vinyl Scratch TWICE for now on the show, there’s little to no reason to suspect “hey, Vinyl really looks like she could be Scoot’s aunt”, which makes Vinyl’s brother/sister, who we have no idea about, Scootaloo’s dad/mom. This could be an interesting concept if you treat it properly in the future. Otherwise, it’ll come to haunt you and bite your ass.
This would’ve work better with an exclamation mark. From now on, I’m assuming that you’re using a (very) informal narrator.
It was a course consisting
Avoid using ellipses during narration, and leave a space after them
You don’t capitalize the word following ellipses. Also, once you know that she’s actually Rainbow Dash, you look back and say “this sounds so NOT like Rainbow Dash”.
This sounds less like a pony and more like an elven wizard from the Warcraft universe. Zephyr is fine, and you should either drop the last name or make up a new one more pony-like.
We need more descriptions. We don’t know his mane/tail color or eyes, for example.
I don’t want to sound harsh, but your OCs’ names are far from being decent. I really imagine characters from Warcraft or Dungeons and Dragons when I read those names. Summer Skies, Winter Breeze or Couch Potato are examples of pony names that don’t sound like an axe-wielding barbarian or a fire-balling sorcerer.
The two of them, or “both of them”
I have to side with Scootaloo here. This is the kind of name your parents give you when they were forced to marry and live together because your father put a bun on your mother’s oven in what was going to be a casual encounter. Because of you being born, they had to forsake their dreams. Doldrum Whimper is the name they gave you to show how much they hated you and wanted you to suffer for that. I know you want the readers to side and sympathize with him, but there are far better ways for that than calling him “Dork Bullyfodder” or the like.
On the bright side, Doldrum has one of the best descriptions so far, and you didn’t mention his mane/tail color.
This strikes me as odd. Hair isn’t sentient, hair can’t try and do anything. Hair’s just there, waiting to be combed or cut. If you’re unlucky, it’ll fall off as you grow old. Other than that, hair doesn’t have that much initiative on its own. Also, you should either say “one of his eyes” or “his left/right eye“. If you only say “his eye”, it gives the impression that Doldrum, aside from having a horrible name (for the reasons I mentioned before), he’s also either a cyclops or lacks the other eye.
I shouldn’t be the one mentioning telliness, since I make that mistake frequently, but even this is far from an adequate description of Twilight’s teleport. Also, make sure to avoid Lavender Unicorn Syndrom (when you refer to characters with one of their physical features instead of their names. Simply use their names or a pronoun.)
Beg for mercy, b#€%h! She’s talking to a drill sergeant who’s been spitting hate and anger towards a group of colts and fillies. And, being Twilight, considering how obsessed she’s with getting stuff done on time (appointments included), you should show how sorry she really is. Have her bow apologetically or something. If she’s late against her will, show her panting or breathing raggedly, something that proves that she’s being doing a lot of stuff that kept her from arriving on time. And even if she knows that RD’s the drill sergeant, such informality might kill the atmosphere she’s been trying so hard to keep.
I already have a mental image of the nameless drill sergeant. This is a mare that screams at clouds so they make rain. This is a mare who wakes up at a five in the morning to do a hundred pushups with her wings. This is a badass motherbucker, the boogiepony for the colts and fillies at flight camp! That’s the reason why I just can’t picture her being so calm. She should be calling Derpy wimp and a hundred more things. If she really wants to keep the “fear factor”, she must always show that intimidating personality. Then again, she’s Rainbow Dash.
See the problem here? The way you treat the drill sergeant, a faceless “scary pegasus” doesn’t give away that she’s in fact Rainbow Dash until later on. And yes, Hurricane Fluttershy gave us reasons to believe that Rd has some aptitudes as a leader, but she’d never say “if you’re not good, quit!” She actually did her best and insisted on Fluttershy to stay and improve. So, retroactively, the previous dialogues, as soon as she introduces herself, sound awkward at best, OOC at worst.
Comma instead of colon.
Semicollon here maybe.
Rainbow Dash, out of buckin’ nowhere! Was she the drill sergeant all along? Yes, she was! In my previous comments, you have the issues I have about this. Also, Scootaloo wouldn’t have been so scared and considered her the “scariest pegasus in Equestria”.
Either use a semicolon or full stop following by capital letter.
Colts
Rephrase so you don’t have to use brackets.
This strikes me as really odd. You can simply replace all that by “However,”
Scootaloo. The narrator must be consistent with the names they give to the characters and stick with them.
Replace the colon with a comma
Replace the ellipsis with a comma
Holy cow, I’m one of those who believe that there’s more character interaction in MLP that whatever happens on the show, but unless you say this and then give us examples of why she thinks that, we have a problem.
Replace the colon with a semicolon
you’ll be getting. After that, you’re
I’m not really sure why this is mentioned, or is an issue for that matter.
I thought Doldrum was blue.
Everything here is wrong. Very wrong. Twilight has always been a humble pony, and this part sounds so passive-aggressive that it’s worthy of Trixie, actually. There must be a better way for Twilight to reply to Dash than saying “oh, but I wiped the floor with your ass a few times already.” Also, avoid using “adorkable”, it just feels… odd.
Rainbow Dash wouldn’t admit defeat that easily, she’ll just turn around and say “whatever, now sit down and let the awesome flyer do her thing,“ or something like that.
A few things here: the comma after “yet” should be a semicolon. Getting bullied, a good motivator? I thought that her “I’ll rip your wings off and make a puff out of them if you fail!” was the motivational speech.
Wait, what? Alright, I admit that Twilight, being a super-duper kickass magical unicorn, she can walk on clouds. But Lyra? She would’ve plummeted to her doom. Though I’m giving this to you for the bard magic thing, for it’s an interesting approach and an excuse for her to be able to cast the cloud walking spell. However, you need something more than “I took a course of first aid” to get assigned to something like this. Remember, the safety and well-being of several young colts and fillies rests on your shoulders. You should know what you’re doing. A pegasus version of Nurse Redheart would’ve been a better option.
Alright, I must admit that the concept of Lyra here is interesting, despite of the “I’m now a nurse because I took a summer course” thing. Nursery is really a three-year long, tough as hell career. Not as intensive as Medicine, but it’s still hard work. The course I know of is the one for being nurse assistant or something like that. You know, the one who assists the nurse. So, even if Lyra had taken that course, there simply has to be a real nurse there. Aside from that, we’re given a side story about a Lyra-Twilight possible shipfic, which is actually pretty original, though you should bear in mind that you’ll get hate from all those bronies and pegasisters that consider LyraBon an OTP. Then again, shipping is swampy terrain because a lot of people won’t accept pairings that aren’t the ones in their headcanon. I, however, am curious at the novelty.
Being almost as powerful as the most powerful unicorn in Equestria (alicorns and antagonists aside and all) is quite a bit of a Mary Sue alarm. Yes, those rules also apply to canon/background characters. The concept is interesting, though.
Which translates to “So you’re a Mary Sue?”
Pretty much Lyra admits it. Also, you forgot the period at the end.
Rainbow Dash is as confused as surely every reader here. Remember, Twilight had no friends until she came to Ponyville. Remember the song "Big Brother Best Friend Forever"? Yeah, Twilight only cared for two things reading and her brother.
Nods aren’t of different colors. Use another adjective.
Lice, for example? Really, it’s the only thing that comes to mind. Is this on purpose? If it is, it’s not the kind of thing you say to underage colts and fillies.
I actually like this part and made me laugh, though it might not be the purpose of it. It’s like “I’m bored at my office, so I hope you break your bones so I have something to spend the time with.”
But, while we’re training, everyone’s scattered
Foals are actually baby ponies.
Team Fortress 2: Flight Camp Edition!
That final comma should be a period.
If this is still RD speaking, you can put both together in a single parapgrah.
Mane
Thoughts come in italics
As I said, don’t use ellipses in narration. Also, for the sake of past and future encounters with this, there’s a space after ellipses.
Either use a speaking verb for Twilight or put a period after “fine” instead of a comma. Also, period after “smile”.
You’re a chicken
Okay, I think I have enough to give you some work for improvement here.
Main points:
-Descriptions of characters: Complete them. Some are lacking certain features. The most complete one there was Doldrum’s and even them you missed the mane’s color. You know what they look like, but the readers don’t.
-Emotions: Show them. Gestures and tones during conversations make dialogues more vivid.
-Punctuation: You have several issues there, mostly colon overuse and inappropriate use and double spaces. Double check the commas and colons you have there and replace them for a valid punctuation. In the review, I gave you a few examples you can use as a guide.
-Odd characterization: Check Twilight and Rainbow Dash there. The lines I pointed out sum up pretty much my problems. Rainbow Dash is “introduced” a bit too late, which makes the reading and revelation of who the sergeant is quite weird, as she’s not kind of mare who’ll tell somepony to quit. On Twilight’s side, we have that scene where she spreads all over Dash’s face how she was able to beat her at her best assets a few times already. Double check those parts and their dialogues all together and rewrite them if you have to.
-Lyra’s Mary Sue alarms: The fact that she’s as knowledgeable regarding spells as Twilight, only she has to sing in order to cast them, is already a worrying sign, as well as the “unique cutie mark/sigil”. Rarity is one of the main cast, and she isn’t near as powerful as Twilight, though she compensates it with her accuracy. Just saying that Lyra has to sing to cast spells isn’t an excuse to make her more powerful. No matter how she says “I’m a matchstick to Twilight’s forest fire,” I can’t take out of my head the mental image of Lyra bringing death in the form of a meteor shower while singing Jerry Lee Lewis’ “Great balls of fire” or summoning demonic beings at the rhythm of Dethklok’s “Awaken.”
But not everything I have to say about this is “here you have things that you must fix,” though. The premise is interesting and you have a promising story if you’re able to polish it. The originality of concepts like a flight camp and this possible Twira in the background calls my attention.
This is Simon o’Sullivan and Beard, WRITE’s Manly reviewer of manly fics signing off.
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So most of the things that needs adjusting are some grammar flaws and minor edits, then? Whimper originally started out purple, but since people felt his original design was ugly I redid the artwork and made him blue. I thought I'd edited out all mentions of that colour. Apparently I failed in this endeavour. Nor did I manage to fx all of the commas and periods in my dialogue. Damnit, and I've checking and rewriting this stuff, too. I must have checked that thrice, and it's still slipping through? Infuriating.
Also: the word 'girls' is used quite frequently in the show, as I recall, so I don't see the problem with using 'boys'. I'm not sure if you're right about 'foals' only being used for babies in this fictional universe, but I'm pretty sure most writers use it in this context.
Anyway, Whimper's name does have an actual meaning, btw, it's not chosen at random. He's named after a gentle wind (a whimper as opposed to a storm howl), whereas as Zephyr is named after a western wind and Skyron is named after Skeiron, northwestern wind. I wiki'ed the latter two, exposition the former later on.
The reason I went with the "Quit!" routine was because Rainbow Dash's first line was meant to be a reference to "Starship Troopers", and so was this line. It's a pony quoting a movie by a guy called Verhoeven. It felt like a good idea at the time. But okay, I'll try and find something better. And I'll see about those pesky character descriptions. I'm really surprised I left so many grammar flaws, though. I've checked these things repeatedly.
Twilight acting so cocky to Rainbow Dash is more of a throwaway to their first dialogue, where she just says "Prove it." While she does act humble, she has some amount of pride, at least.
Scootaloo being the only girl in a group of boys is supposed to draw attention to the fact that she doesn't want to feel like she's inadequate just because she's a girl. She's pretty athletic, but now she's surrounded by athletes (mostly) which adds to her nerves.
Lyra being a Mary Sue is supposed to be downplayed by the 'match stick to Twi's forest fire' remark. The idea is that Lyra's got a bunch of spells at her disposal, but isn't anywhere as powerful as Twilight. The use of spells and her being the nurse is relevant, too. Also: being a camp nurse and being a trained doctor/nurse are two very dfferent things. I've been to camps where the nurse had less experience than what Lyra's portrayed with here. And I am counting Lyra's appearance at the Best Young Flyer's Competition as canon, meaning she probably doesn't have the power to grow wings but she can get a spell to walk on clouds for three days. There's no shipping, as the tags attest. Lyra's interest is purely academic: Twilight's an expert in fields Lyra's interested in. I just needed a nurse character, with potential for interesting interactions with Twilight. And it needed to be a unicorn, to add a little more weight to a scene later on. Lyra's first seen in Canterlot, and one of the running background gags in Season 1 is that she seems to follow Twilight around. I thought it made sense, guess it doesn't.
And wow, that mental image really popped into your head? I was going for the gnostic view on magic, not...whatever you call the paradigm where things work like that.
The break at the "Not for you" was added because her tone shifts radically. I don't usually do it like that, but it just looked off when I changed it.
The 'mane' vs 'manes' error is a translation thing. In my native language, 'mane' is in plural by default. I thought both were correct in English, but again I was mistaken.
Thanks for the help, at any rate, it's all being looked at.
Aww, that was such a cute ending; totally nailed it..
This was a nice read: laid back, funny (I guffawed at some of the jokes
), and interesting. I came for a flying Scootaloo fic, but I stayed for the fun story.
Oh, and thanks for using the American style quotation marks. British spellings always makes sense (who needs a "z" anyway?), but single quotation marks everywhere would probably drive me nuts!
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, but it's functional. I'm not sure if it shows, but the collapse and infirmary scenes were the first ones that sprang to mind when I thought of the OC, and their whole relationship developing just came naturally. Most of the heavy emotional weight of this story is in the middle, while the heavy contemplative stuff arrives afterward. And a little jolt at the epilogue, because why not?
Thank you. It's comments like that that make me feel this story is a success, in that it does what it's supposed to do. My goal from the start to make a story about Scootaloo learning to fly, with a friend thrown in whose problems put hers into perspective. I wanted to make the basic premise interesting with a twist, because the other Flight Camp fics I found (seriously, search it) either involve Scootaloo dying or someone getting abused. Granted, this story isn't completely abuse-free
Fun fact: the epilogue wasn't in the original idea. Whimper's brother wasn't even in the original idea, but when the therapy thing came along I found myself stuck if I didn't use it. It helps that I only posted chapters after the next one was finished. It was the obvious thing to add, given the plot hole that arose without it. And the epilogue added some closure on Whimper's main internal conflict, too.
Glad you liked it, and many thanks for the feedback.
SPOILER ALERT!!!
(Again, I am really tired, or this would be more about the plot, and less about grammar and such.)
an air superiority blue blank flank pegasus with a neckerchief
-I think you mean "with an air of superiority" since I doubt you are using such terms to qualify wing-shape, flying skill set, or something like that.
they can be a little random at times,
-Yeah... every bit as random as the list of mares heading up the preparations for the Summer Sun Celebration that Celestia didn't make it to.
Badly, to the point that the Royal Guard just had to pick up the pieces and throw Kludde into Tartarus, where he’s been ever since.”
-Ah, I thought he DID kill it, but they couldn't be 100% sure of that at the time, and saw no reason to take chances.
“Scootaloo: faster than the speed of wall.”
-Interesting term.
“Doldrum Whimper: faster than the speed of magic.”
Adila was smiling at that.
-I was going to guess he was her father, but as I was scrolling down to put in this part of my comments I noticed something that made me realize he is her older brother. And 10 years would be too short anyway I think.
artist.alive and personal sparring partner to Celestia and Luna.
-Extraneous period after "artist". Also, for my idea of what some OTHER sparing matches look like see Scratching a Diamond.
I’ve seen him knock the right head of a hydra out cold by hitting the left one.
-Interesting there was a situation where he needed to... maybe the hydra (or a child of it) left the bog. Or maybe some foals went there and he wasn't in time to prevent conflict. I guess not much needs explaining when an elite team is composed of six civilians.
“He still lets his little brother win sometimes.”
-For some reason I thought the baby was going to be a girl.
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Air superiority blue is an actual colour. I was wiki-ing names of colours at that point to see if I could spruce up my descriptions and I came across this perfect name for a shade of blue. I'm still shocked to see air superiority blue pegasi haven't supplanted the red and black alicorns. For a referencce, check this.
The 'miss Smartypants' remark was referring to having great power and being afraid of using it. I wanted to imply that Twilight did feel really bad about brainwashing the whole town on a whim like she did.
Kludde's real nature is never fully explored. I guess you could say he's dead or dying, but since it can rebuild itself there's no real way to be sure if he'll stay dead. Imprisoning the remains means it can't absorb new energy and will eventually die. Also, there's the aspect of a Royal Guard telling a story of a foal their age who killed a guy. It seemed a tad inappropriate.
Adila's not a blood relative of Whimper's. She's your average griffon who loves daredevils and who's seen Whimper and Gale spar. She didn't know Whimper was (in)famous, because he doesn't talk about it even in his adult life. She is, in a sense, the Peachy Pie fo Gale: the girl who keeps things fun and occasionally causes trouble. But unlike Whimper, Gale doesn't have any trouble keeping up, he's just got annoying allergies. So the relationship between those two is less 'us vs the world' and more 'laidback partners in adventure', if that makes any sense.
Also, I took the 'speed of wall' from a comic called 'The Flith', which was written by Grant Morrisson and is all about facing the dark and nasty parts of the human mind.
The spelling and grammar errors probably came from the re-write after the WRITE review. I'll get to those now.
Glad you liked it, and thanks for the tips!
Re: Adila
I was REALLY tired, or I would have remembered she is a griffon.
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YES! Someone caught that, thank you. Have a Pinkie
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Heh. Thanks for saying that, it's precisely the response I was going for. This story remains my favorite one to write, even if all the innuendos and obscure references make it less accessible. It's also the one with most of my 'formula' in it, which is starting to cause me some problems.
But anyway, thank you for the comment, it's always nice to know the story has hit the mark with someone.
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I admit, those three were designed based on names only. Their talents were just things I made up afterwards to have the names make sense. And yeah, Pokémon reference, because why the heck not?
You might notice this whole fic is full of references, btw. Remains my favorite one to write, with my favorite OC, but not my best work, I'll admit.
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Yay! I do need to edit it again, though, since this one tends to get skipped when I do an overhaul of my writing style. There's a lot of mechanical errors I need to correct before posting the sequel, and a few lines of dialogue need tweaking. There are also a few over-edited bits that make it drag on too long, you'll know them when you see them. This one is sort of my 'flagship fic', the most formulaic thing I've written yet, so... this is the one that sort of established my 'style' of stories, basically.
Still, I'm always happy to hear the story (and I'm guessing you mean plot and concept, since that's always remained a constant through the edits) is appealing. Hope you enjoy the rest of the story
.
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Ah, right, that remark. That one wasn't so much meant to imply it couldn't be done or couldn't make him healthy, it's more meant to be one of those little things that get you thinking. In theory, a polymorph spell can fix any ailment, and I do mean any. It permanently reshapes your body's standard.
But then your soul is stuck in a body it wasn't meant to be in, and dysphoria will set in at some point. The idea is that no matter what it does, a permanent polymorph will always feel 'wrong' to the person who gets it, unless they're trained shapeshifters with a consciousness that's adapted to it. So the 'dragon' thing is an exaggeration, really. In this fanfic's canon, medics do not use polymorphs for anything because it's considered psychologically damaging. That's not even mentioning the feeling of inadequacy such a treatment could cause. Suppose they did turn Whimper into a dragon (sequel hook?) and he then participates in a strength contest. Would he have earned his strength or would that have been given by the polymorph spell? Would anything he's done to get stronger or faster really matter if anyone can just 'poof' him to the standard he wants? Food for thought.
And funny you should mention Spike, actually. I had an idea for a fic that explored this sort of mentality with him as the main character. I might just try and rush it out, since it's something the show might try to pull soon.
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'Bullhead' was a Belgian film that made it to the Oscars. In the movie, the term 'bullhead' refers to the male main character, who had to take hormones after an incident in his youth (one I can't describe on a PG-rated story, to give you an idea). As a direct result, this guy was ripped as an adult, extremely muscular, but he had crippling issues with self-confidence and especially towards women, given the nature of his condition. They call him 'bullhead' as an insult, because he's actually somewhat freakishly built. The guy was a farmer, his family put hormones in the meat (illegal in Europe, common practice in America, so the story didn't translate well to there) and there was some implied irony that this guy had to start taking the kind of growth hormones they normally slipped to the cows. I thought the notion of trauma becoming something that makes you stand out was distinct enough a story theme to become a thing, so I tried to make into more of a thing with this story.
Anyway, 'bullhead', in this story, means a very muscular individual. The jocks that mocked Rainbow Dash would be called bullheads, as would Snow Flake (the 'YEAH!' pony) and Big Macintosh, because they have the thick limbs. Applejack and Rainbow Dash would not, because you can't tell from the outside they are strong, not unless they're showing it off. It's the look that matters, actual size and definition to go with their strength. Which reminds me, I need to remake Whimper's pic, his proportions are off for a foal. I have some attempts in one of my blogs, I think.
As a trope, it would mean someone who looks very intimidating and very strong, but got that way because of some form of trauma, which instilled a lack of confidence. For a more well-known example, the main antagonist in 'Red Dragon' is a bullhead. He's very fit, several women comment that he is pleasant to be around, but he only got that way because he built himself up to cope with childhood trauma.
As for Whimper, he fits the trope of bullhead because he built his muscles in response to severe bullying, and still has confidence issues. He gets called 'bullhead' in the story because his musculature stands out, it's a compliment. It's a separate thing from being 'bullheaded' which I think means stubborn
.
Anyway, glad you like the story so far, it remains my favorite one to write (hence the long reply
) and you'll be pleased to know the first two chapters are, in my humble opinion, the least. The story starts off predictable and gets less predictable as time goes on, not to spoil anything. Sequel's also incoming, but that's a distant project.
Well, that was awesome. Not that I expect anything less from you. Fantastic work, especially the bit where Sol'kanar the Swamp King gets his head torn off. (Sorry, but when you call something "the Baron of the Marshes," my Magic: the Gathering senses start tingling.)
In any case, thank you for this.
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I swear, it's not what it looks like. Just keep reading. There's a few surprises in there :3
Hooooooly balls, I've spent like a week working on this and I just finished it. Brilliant show, sir, excellently done. This has found a permanent spot in my favourites, and I look forward to more great work.
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You just reminded me I need to reference that line in the sequel. Thanks! *scribbles stuff down*
If you decide to make a sequel, are you going to put their reaction to the main six? I have curiosity to see Whimper reaction to Fluttershy or Rainbow battles with Applejack or Pinkie Pie.
P.S: I liked the story, one of my favorites and a good humor also in them.
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The actual Warrior Meet so far only contains fighting between foals, and one fight between a foal and an adult. There is a reaction coming from Fluttershy and Whimper regarding the similarities, and it was present at concept stage, so yes, it's definitely going into the final edit. It includes the idea that Whimper thinks he's been compared to Applejack this whole time. I will need to tone down some of the darker stuff, I think. The current version of the story leading up to the Meet has some iffiness in it. No biggie.
I'm glad you liked it. As an early story, it has its flaws, but it's still the single most 'personal' fic of mine. It's the undiluted stuff I usually write. Basically, the comment that people like this one, that means a lot on a personal level, so thank you. I shall endeavour to make the sequel at least as enjoyable.
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Eeyup. One of the ways you can tell this is an earlier work is lots and lots of random references, that are sometimes too obscure to catch.
You caught one. Have a Pinkie
I just realized that Flight camp is like driver's ed or the DMV for flying.
From just reading this a little i'm getting Baki the Grappler vibes, and I don't even know Baki that well. Good story though, so far.
When I saw this video, I THOUGHT I remembered Scootaloo being made to do a fire dance as punishment for signing Whimper up to wrestle without his knowledge. Couldn't find the place in the story, but it's a cool video so I'm posting a link anyway
The dancing starts about 50 seconds in
Awesome story!