Well, what do you think of the story Lyle, two hooves up?
Get it? We say 'two hooves up' in Equestria because we don't have—
Oh don't give me that look. We both know you're enjoying that body, honestly probably more than you really should...

One of the best starts to a fanfic I've read in a long time. This is very polished and I like the style. Can't wait till the next chapter 9.5/10

6344954
I haven't read the chapter yet, but why does it say complete? Is it a single chapter story or was that a mistake?

6345001
Ah, yeah, this is just a single chapter story. Apologies for the misunderstanding!

6345029 Aw dang it xD I'd love to see this continue.

Mine jaw hath smaketh against the floor. Over half this thing was just description! And... much pleasing. So adding to my Faves.

But now... I demand of thee that thou shalt continue thy story! I!!! DEMAND!!! MOOOOOOOAAAAARRRR!!!!!

I have a long-running habit of "grading" and/or briefly critiquing much of what TwistedSpectrum unwittingly (or otherwise) points me at.

Sorry.

I'll start this out with the positive. This story is good at what it does. I'm going to guess that this was meant primarily as clop for people with pretty hardcore TF+TG fetishes, and that means people other than me; as TF porn only, it should work fairly well. I can't speak for anyone who actually has those fetishes, but there seems to be plenty to enjoy on that front. And it might just be my lack of exposure to much clop (or to TF stuff on FurAffinity, probably), but the "orgasm as each testicle disappears, in order to release its fluids" thing is unique in my experience and, while a little bit too convenient, should be a positive thing overall.

Your spelling and grammar are good enough that I simply didn't notice any problems as I read, and that's always a good thing as I find serious errors with the basics to be jarring. Your word choice is also strong pretty much everywhere that actually matters.

As a final positive note, I find that the perspective - first person - really works in favour of the story. This sort of TF story, in my opinion, requires the up-close-and-personal touch that first person provides. You delivered, and exploited the perspective's strengths fairly well.

Now for the negative. I'm mildly disappointed that the transformation is pretty much all there is to this story. It also drags on a bit much, for what it accomplishes; this resulted in my having to actively restrain myself from skimming at times during the TF sequence. And I enjoy a good TF sequence as much as the next lady, but I also like to see what comes of it; this story simply doesn't exist for anything else.

Also, to be honest, the characters could've been pretty much anyone. Aside from the hands-obsession common to fanon, Lyra could've been any pony at all; I'm not going to count the same against the narrator, though, because it's probably the point that anyone (with a penis, that is) be able to insert themselves into that role. My point is, there's a lack of characterisation here, although there are some moments that could be relatively clever if they were intended (Bon Bon's ability to brush off the whole "Lyra's yelling at herself" thing suggests Lyra's a pretty unusual pony in general and this behaviour is not entirely surprising, for example).

This again: I'm going to guess that this was meant primarily as clop for people with pretty hardcore TF and/or TG fetishes, and that means people other than me; as TF+TG porn only, it should work fairly well, but it lacks the eroticisation that would make the non-genital segments of the TF sequence arousing to people other than such fetishists. This is fine, if you're fine with such a narrow audience. It's not a point of commendation for anyone else.

Edit: I also find the "Oh noes, my penis, my pride and joy/the thing that makes me a man/whatever!" moment in literally every story of this type that I've read... it's become dull and cliche, and speaking as a woman, it's a little bit alienating. Yes, it's obviously a hurtful loss (especially speaking as someone who knows transgender people) to not have the genitals that "should" be there, but there's got to be more than one way of handling this.

There are also a few things I would have changed that were already fairly good. While past tense does well enough, I would have suggested writing in the present tense. The way this story is written might be strengthened by the more "in the moment" feel, and the perspective is already limited enough to not change much (aside from that "I later learned proper horse anatomy words" piece).

I also would have done a little more to convince the narrator to trust Lyra before going ahead with "Sure, magical horse, let's trade body parts. You crazy equine."

The ending is kind of a huge tease, so you know. I probably wouldn't have done that for a one-shot, especially if you don't plan a sequel.

Overall, I find the story well-written, but of only mild personal interest. For those with the fetish it panders to, it's very likely a much more... engrossing... piece.

My final grade of 8.5/10 is an estimate (due to my not sharing this fetish, I've had to make guesses from how certain parts are written and what people would eroticise) based on the assumption that you are only trying to appeal to a fairly niche audience. It is assigned based on strong technical skills, likely strong appeal to said audience, and a lack of truly disruptive mistakes.

This critique is longer than I intended...

6341949

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6345524

Wow... thanks for the thought out and well written critique, Proper! I really do appreciate it ^^

You make good points in regards to the story. Most of the story's shortcomings stem largely from it being written as a TF clop fic, as you noted. Everything outside of the TF sequence existed solely to facilitate it.

I do have some stories in mind for the future that are much more narrative focused (while still having from transformation elements). Hopefully if/when I get around to them, you could give them a look over and see if they address what was lacking here ^^

Thanks again for the critique!

The transformation seemed excessively long. To the point that I found myself skipping paragraphs,, and even so, feeling like you were repeating things. Also, having read it, I still don't know what TF stands for. I'm guessing TG is transgender. So TF is...trans faces? That's the story title. I don't know. I assume it's probably a common abbreviation for whatever fetish this is supposed to appeal to, but if you really want to put up a content warning for people who are not into a certain thing, it's probably better to not abbreviate it with some secret code that only people who are into that thing know what it is.

That said, the story is ok. But it seemed like two thirds of it was just on and on reading about bones grinding and "Oh noes! suprise! What a shock! This is a transformation! I never would have guessed that from the 20 paragraphs of vivied detailed description of transformation!"

I'm guessing that the endless vivid description of transformation was...the point of this story, but it just seemed like it went on too long and once it was finally over, there wasn't really much left.

Just goes to show that just about anything with a Mature - Sex tag will make it onto the featured list, regardless of pretty much anything...

No offense.

6346028
I think that if you were to do a generic search of recently-posted mature/sex stories you'd find plenty of counter-examples.

vary good.

6346071
I'm pretty sure I would too, actually, can't argue with you there. I was just making a generalization.

Very nice! I liked it.

I was wondering when one of your stories would show up on fimfiction.

I hope Lyra doesn't get herself killed. Just going out in traffic can be fatal.

6345911

I still don't know what TF stands for.

TransFormation.

6345697

Heh, it's rare that someone responds so positively to one of these posts. You're welcome?

So, finaly read the story, and i like it. (Everything else has already been said)
Im crazy for tg/tf stories, and there is simply not enough of that.
Wish you a good luck for future stories
Like+Fav+Follow

Since I have been told I can come off as a little harsh at times, let me give you an idea of what I kinda do with this little comic.
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And I am always open for pointers on the lesser rules that have multiple ways they can swing.

It could be on anything- an unconvincing alien documentary

It didn't matter to me- I never actually watched what was going on, on the screen.

This should be an em dash. They are treated like a comma or ellipsis but have more of a "fast" break off. Most instances appear with no spaces on either side. Alt code 0151 for Windows or Shift+Option+- on OS X. —

to my great disappointment, my mini-fridge.

Which we all know is far more important that the cat. That little furball is just a giant asshole.

but I recalled what happened to my mini-fridge. Oh, and my cat. I resisted the urge.

Something about this is bugging me, it might be the wording on this last maybe-not-actually-a-sentence.

considering just booking it and never looking back- alien overlord or demonic hellspawn

Em dash

"Oh my Celestia!" She squealed. "A real human being!"

In these cases the exclamation mark is not treated as a full stop and more like a comma since a dialog tag follows afterward. Dialog tags being say, said, exclaimed, replied, asked, answered, and so forth.

hooves already- is pawing the term? Hoofing away at my shirt and legs.

Hmmm, this is an interesting case, it looks funny and leaves some sentence fragments. This is mainly do to "- is pawing the term?" I suggest using em dashes to add in the aside.
"hooves already—is pawing the term?—hoofing away at my shirt and legs."
If you want it to be more of a whisper, parentheses can be used.

all because I couldn't help myself and petted a... pony. I shuddered, and fought the urge.

Double space here.

"Oh, I'm sorry!" She said.

"She" doesn't need to be capitalized, also you can use another tag like "exclaimed" here. I imagine Lyra would have trouble controlling her volume.

then unfurled my fingers one by one, examining them like a overexcited scientist.

"an"

I stood there, watching the tiny mare doing her thing.

I feel there is a tense change here. I feel "doing" should be changed to "do" to keep everything in the past tense.

It was too late in the evening for this.

I know those days, and then I wish I could stand the taste of alcohol.

The little rascal. She knew what she was doing- she was trying to guilt trip me into giving in!

I think this first period should be a comma and another em dash here.

"...Yeah."

I think this should be lower case to to remain consistent with an earlier case in the story.

The thought was intriguing at the least.

I don't think you need the "the" there, makes the sentence a little awkward.

I wouldn't have have pet her in the first place.

Should be "have had" since past tense, but you can just drop the second "have" and it is still correct.

but I wasn't stupid- I knew what was next.

Em-o dash-o!

While my other fingers were growing in length, my thumbs were shrinking, dwindling in length as they were sucked into my wrists.

To avoid word repetition, you can drop the second "in length". The sentence still makes sense and flows better.

"Alright, Lyra, listen, this was cool and all but-"

Em dashes are also used to indicated a quick cut off in dialog.

It was a swapping spell after all- the fur spreading up my arms

Em dash works here, but I feel a comma would do just as well.

dragging her just that much more away towards being human.

I think you can drop "away". I don't think it adds anything other than a little confusion.

She let out a weak yelp- apparently my human chest wasn't well suited for her.

Dashes don't always need to be used, commas I really happy with being used a lot... they are dirty sluts. Em dashes are a little more refined and like being used in certain ways.

My shoulders felt strange- their human construction didn't mesh well at all with my chest.

I really don't want to sound like a broken record but I don't know what else to do. I know you (the author) get it at the moment but there is this compulsion to point things out.
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Oh boy, here we go.

pinkie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/rsz/mlfw10088_medium.jpg

"D-dammit, this su-"

Quick cut off? Shove an em dash in there! They like being bound.

I cried- it still didn't hurt, none of it did.

I tried skipping this one, I really did. But my brain smacked me.
pinkie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw1067_1320833838240031.jpg
My brain also likes images... lots of images.

Meanwhile, my eyes swelled in size, changing from my small , brown, human eyes to Lyra's massive, yellow. pony eyes.

Woops, extra space and that period should be a comma.

I didn't have a mirror in my room- I'm sure watching my eyeballs swell to the size of dinner plates would've been horrifying.

It would be horrifying but scientifically fascinating!

My brain was in a buzz- I could hardly focus on the small snout that had taken the place of my mouth and nose.

I think this is a comma spot, Ms. Em Dash doesn't like the mundane usages. She needs something exciting, something set apart, something fabulous!

It sounded like there was a tornado raging in my room as they shifted.

At about this point I think you seem to be describing a little too much, slowing things down. Though I feel I have more tolerance to it than Proper since I love detail.

The roaring in my ears was gone, and my hearing was more sensitive than ever before- I could heard the rumbling of the air conditioner in the other room, a sound I had never noticed before.

Since these are two independent clauses separated by a hyphen em dash, I suggest using a semi-colon instead.

I- I mean- Lyra, was laying there, arms sprawled to the side

When stuttering sounds there doesn't need to be a space after the hyphen. Em dash

My feet were now twice as long as before, and the socks were straining to keep them contained.

I bet they looked cute though... cause socks.

I gritted my teeth- for once, it actually hurt

I would have thought the socks would just kinda... slide off. I think "for once" should be surrounded in em dashes in this case, attention is being brought to it. "teeth—for once—it actually hurt"

I moaned- it felt so good.

And why I am thinking this is sexual?

My thighs throbbed and my rear expanded, muscles thickening, fibers folding over each other to give me one hell of an ass.

Awwww yeah, dat ass. Interesting tidbit of information: humans have a large gluteus maximus and a small gluteus minimus and medial, horses have a large gluteus medial. So he would feel his butt shrink and expand. Kinda like the Stepford wives boobs (I hope I am thinking the right movie).

How could I find any of this B-movie grade body horror sexy?

I would post the gif of the giant dick knocking some guy out, but I think that is against site rules.

I just lost one of my balls!

And gained an ovary! Yippee! Isn't magic fascinating?

squeezing out every last bit of male juice left inside and all over my boxer.

"Boxers" is plural, kinda like pants.

my testicles migrating inward. feeling like a terrible stomachache

I think this period should be a comma. It is a long sentence but everything after the period does not form an independent clause.

I was going to have ovaries. Holy crap.

Ovaries: "Hey prostrate! You should become a vagina and uterus!"
Prostate: "No."
Ovaries: "Awww, come on, it will be fun! We could have foals!"
Prostate: "You fuckwits are liking this too much."

my foreskin receding and exposing the tip to the cold air.

I would call that a magical circumcision.

Before long, it disappeared into my underwear.

That is a low waistband.

I felt my ears fold back against my head- right, those things were flexible.

Least have more ways of show his—her anger.

"Huh? Oh, yeah, totally! Just give me a minute t-"

My face- I mean, Lyra's face- fell

I'll just bunch these together. It is apparent how to use an em dash is known, the pesky mark just doesn't exist on the keyboard.

"Oh no no no!" He said, flailing his arms around.

Lower case "he" since there is a dialog tag.

I normally would, flat against the ground- I had to do something akin

This should be a comma since it is more an aside explanation than an aside with a punch.

It would've feel better if I didn't sound like a girl

"felt"

"Lyra, I-!"

"Lyra you bit-!"

Oh, you know you naughty pony you!
...
I don't know where that came from.

I could've swear I heard a meow in there.

"sworn"
Least the cat didn't get ground up by inter-dimensional energies.

bordered orange instead of blue

Lyra's thinking with portals. Cave Johnson would be proud.

"Oh no!" I yelled, rolling onto all four.

I feel this wants to be "all fours" or "all four legs".

"Lyra, you bitch!" I screamed, smacking the shield with my hooves.

But how can Lyra come back if Lyra has no magic? Did she really think this through?

forcing my head stuck upside down even as I stood on all four.

Drop "stuck" and it feels like "four" should be "fours" since it is then referencing her new legs.

anything- maybe a small cluster of quantum particles that would let me unzip the fabric of reality back open and bring me back home.

A mare can wish.

A day to explore having a marefriend. A day to explore being a mare named Lyra.

That is quite a flip-flop. I think Lyle just snapped.

This really feels like it wants a second chapter. I feel there will be complications arising from Lyra's lack of a horn. That is, unless she is a super bitch and planned all of this from the start. Switching hands my ass. It was all a ploy to live life as a human.

This story reminds me of Seven Fate's When a Pony Calls.

And finally, sorry for making this so damn long and going OCD over the little things. It starts rolling downhill once I start. Don't hate me too much.

6345524
You may have a large comment filled with content Proper, but I have a LARGER comment filled with non-sense!

There was nothing left of me that was human. Well, except for my junk. It was the only thing that hadn't... Oh no. I heard Lyra groan, hands reaching between her legs.

---

Lyra was a mare. She was female. Oh shit.

I always love the part where a TF/TG subject has the realization that things are about to get awkward...

I was a mare.

... and when they realize it's over and there's no un-seeing and un-feeling the things they've seen and felt in the process.

The fact I was growing a tail seemed minor compared to just having just magically leapt the gender barrier.

two things:
1. Farewell, Lyle, from the XY side of said fence. On a similar note, welcome Lyra!
2. The just is just redundantly redundant, so you should just remove it so it's not redundant

As the unstable sea of magical energy roared around me, I could've swear I heard a meow in there.

so is the cat stuck between dimensions or what?

However, what caught my attention was the portal in front of me, bordered orange instead of blue, and it was getting smaller by the second.

I take it those colors are based on those of the Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device?

She'd put a shield spell on it!

wait, S.O.D. disrupted: how is "she" (really it should be "he", Lyle) casting magic without a horn?

And of course, like any intelligent person, Lyle eventually realized there are certain advantages to being female...
6341949 as I'm sure many have already said, thanks for linking to this in your recent blog post! It was definitely worth the read. Penny, you've gained a new stalker follower (on multiple sites) thanks to Twisted Spectrum.

6347254

le gasp

You may have a large comment filled with content Proper, but I have a LARGER comment filled with non-sense!

Noooo, my comment has been out-longed! Whatever shall I do?!

6347394
You shall sit in shame knowing I can copy paste my way to the top! Who cares about content when it can be longer, bigger, more annoying! That is the American dream.

6341949
TS, why didn't you warn me about this story? You have done so with other TF stories in the past. I am emotionally distraught, maybe...

6345524

The way this story is written might be strengthened by the more "in the moment" feel, and the perspective is already limited enough to not change much (aside from that "I later learned proper horse anatomy words" piece).

wait, what part were you referring to in the parentheses?

6347465
Penny bound me to secrecy! She threatened me, and said if I warned anyone about the story she'd turn me into Cadance and leave me bound and gagged at Shining's doorstop! Oh the horror!
...wait, why the hell didn't I break the promise when I had the chance!

6345175 I second that (seriously). Here's a strawpoll about it

6347488

wait, what part were you referring to in the parentheses?

"What used to be my fingertips flattened out, then puffed back up as a smooth surface, becoming the soft flesh on my hooves I would later learn were called frogs."

6347465

See? I can copy-paste too!

6347500

Truly you've lost the world's greatest opportunity.
Also, I now know secret things. There is no escape.

I really enjoyed it but something surprised me.
You only have a "human" tag. I mean, you should totally add a "sex" tag since there is genitalia ( and, well, semen and all ).
I'm not sure you don't even had a mature tag to this.

I don't think it could change that much since most of the readers won't mind and anything ( I didn't either ) but we don't know, maybe some minors or even, people offended by this would read it without knowing that it contains genitalia and implies sex...

Sorry, good work anyways !

I sense a sequel from this story

6347254 I particularly enjoyed the part of this comment where you referred to the em dash as if it's some incarnate of Rarity. Oh, and also the parts where you figuratively sat back and relaxed, just enjoying the wonderfully (mature warning [but then, it is a mature fic]): arousing fetish... oh how I long for my spine to function normally so my genitals interacted smoothly with my libido... fucking car accident...
6347500
does Penny take substitutes?
6347575
oh, okay...
6348036
hopefully tf-sentinel will oblige and make a sequel, at least if enough people wanting such respond to this poll.

6347500
Can I edit for Penny with the same threat? Cause I swear I won't break it...

I am as honest as Trixie!

Ok, maybe more honest so that makes me an even better candidate!
6347575
Child's play, one line. I just about did a whole fic!
6348216
I also managed to call a comma a slut... I am classy like that.

6347500 I would've done worse than that! Would've made you a bookworm and hide you in Twilight's treecastle library. And tell her you were there! .. or turn you into a book!

Dude. You need to learn to read the fine print. Or at least ask questions. Not ONCE did she mention anything about trading back. She was just, "I want your hands" and you're just, "Okay, if i can pet you"
And I don't know how she was able to do anything or how you expect her to do anything if she isn't a unicorn anymore.

Also... are TG and TF abreviations for something? Or names? Initials? Because if it's the first I am unfamiliar with them.

6348323

TG/TF = cross-gender transformation.

6348281

I have written critiques substantially longer than the stories they were about. Be silent, plebeian.

6348332
I have edited stories far long than your critiques and given advice the entire way. Watch your fingers peasant.

I used more faces.

6348959

I wasn't even using my editing experience.

lh3.googleusercontent.com/-rCuRqNlOwqw/VN7iKy3H9oI/AAAAAAAAWBc/v3tRuy-yXtM/w426-h753/15%2B-%2B5

This isn't even my final form!

6349003
Even if this isn't your final form, I know your weakness. Though you may deny it!
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6349164

>teleportation

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6349169
Hopefully they won't all turn into a taco monster.
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6349179

That would just be awesome.

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6349198
That really depends on who eats who doesn't it?
I like the bacon and taco ship.
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6349236

pancakes and bacon > tacos and bacon

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that ended so suddenly

6350238
What about pancakes, bacon, and tacos?
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6351532

Acceptable.

Lyle must be one of thr dumbest humans to exist. He agreed to what was in essence getting his arms cut off, and then only having a stump. He didn't even know it wasn't permanent!

6341949
Probably? Probably? You damn well know he's enjoying it!

6346028 hue, this statement is true. You look at the featured board and half of them have a mature or sex tag.

6352904
Now is one of the rare exceptions though.