Hello there, My name is Prism Strike and I am a dragon pony. This is the story of my life and of the difficulties I faced due to the actions of those that had come before me. How I overcame the past of my own kind to become a wanted and even valued member of Equestrian society. I have written these events down so that those who come after me will know that our kind need not be only monsters, that we can be valued members of equestrian society.
Takes place after the first half of season 5
Rated teen for violence.
Will contain slice of life chapters, and possibly a bit of romance. gore tag added for semi graphic violence
Chapters (37)
Alright- here we go.
First of all, I'd suggest finding an editor/pre-reader before you post more chapters. Your grammar and spelling are really taking away from the story as a whole. Second- you're using the 'tense' incorrectly, for example:
Another qualm I have with this line, is...what do you mean by 'The great orb of the blue expanse'? What's this large, blue orb in the sky? If you meant the sun, I suggest changing it.
Please don't say 'you definitely look like a Mr.'. The abbreviation isn't needed when you refer to something like "you don't look like a mister." Or better yet, just say "you definitely look like a stallion.", if you want to get rid of the abbreviation in this instance.
Is this in first person or third person? The perspective seems to change from paragraph to paragraph. One minute you're using 'I' and the next, you're giving Pinkie's thoughts, and we're back to Glitter. Either have the perspective from Glitter or Pinkie, not both- at least at the same time. Formatting wise, I suggest separating your dialogue from your paragraphs, it makes the story that much easier to read. When a character has a thought, you need to either format it that way, maybe put single quotation marks around the text the character is thinking, or put the thought in italics.
Hope this was helpful, I'm off to read the next chapter.
6344520 Thank you constructive criticism is always needed as I am still fairly new to this. As to that specific line your mentioning Im trying to keep it in line with a creature that has spent most of its life alone, never having been to school or receiving any kind of education. You are right though and I should paint a more proper picture of it with my words. now as to finding a pre-reader/editor its not easy for a person like me. I am actually really shy and so far have only found myself able to write eafter knocking back a few cold beers. your also right that I need to stick to one point of view and once I've sobered up abit (took a 6 pack to write the second chapter) I will go and try to fix up the story to make it an easier read. Thank you for taking the time to leave a comment and do hope that when it is fixed it is more up to par
Hey, If you want, I can be your editor.
6570918 I will glady and happily jump upon that offer. i was actually going to be putting a call for an editor into the authors notes in my next chapter. just tell me how I can send you future chapters for you to review etc. If you would like though I would gladly let you go over my other story as its already done and could probably use a good editing
I do like it but it does have a few short comings nothing major really except maybe the length of each chapter but other than that it just needs an editor chapters need to be a bit longer and the pacing could be a bit better but its not overly bad just a little... rough around the edges
8170189 Thank you for the feedback. I also agree that the chapters could be a bit longer. The pacing though is exactly as it should be, its not meant to be an entire transcript of his life. The early chapters are meant to be in a style almost like journal entries showing how he progresses and learns while the later chapters are meant to tell a more cohesive story. I am glad though that you are enjoying this and im just about ready to begin adding more chapters again and hope that you will continue to follow this until its end, also look out for another story in the future showing how Glitters mother and father met.
Sounds interesting
lets see
Huh I wonder where th chagelings
9584429
... I just had to ask
9582881
And I’m done!
Good story
It’s building up to something great
9584442
I am glad you are enjoying the story so far. The story is actually almost to its big climax and i hope you will enjoy it
Men
Battle stations,
BATTLE STATIONS,
BATTLE STATIONS
SOUND THE AIR RAID SIREN
AWOOGA AWOOGA
TODAY WE LET SLIP THE DOGS OF WAR
FIIIIREEE
Why was this cancelled?