• Member Since 25th Apr, 2015
  • offline last seen Nov 18th, 2019

MLPFan234


All hail, Twilight Sparkle.

T

Aria Blaze was known from Adagio and Sonata, that she is a super grumpy person ever since they were banished to the human world. So what happens when someone asks her out? On an average day. in Canterlot High someone asks Aria out, and she isn't too happy about it, but accepts it and goes on the date.

Chapters (3)
Comments ( 32 )

Nice. Nice indeed XD

It's nice. Mainly the idea, though you have potential.
And now some criticism. Take it as a mean to become a better author despite it being a little disheartening.
You make some mistakes for example: "whored" instead of "worn", which was actually a bit funny.
Too much dialogue that is... not needed really. OR if there is dialogue try to pack some more actions there so it does not seem useless or boring.
Too small, too little descriptions. You have described their whole date with dialogue and I as a reader don't have any picture in my mind how it went. Why not describe the restaurant, the mood, their feeling, the waiter, the scenery you can see from window, where the place is or even the food more instead of just "it's pasta, it's good"?
Also the characters. I know nothing about them, especially about the main hero.
If you had not already read I suggest reading a writing guide. There's a good one on fimfiction (direct link: http://www.fimfiction.net/writing-guide )
If you have problem with noticing mistakes, give your fic to somebody else to look through.

You have my attention. Although try to keep the pacing a bit slower. I understand that this was meant to be a one shot but just be careful about it in the future.

Faved and tracked.

It's cute. Felt a little rushed, but cute. Looking forward to to seeing how this progresses.

Jake kinda seems alittle.......average joeish if u will. like if u found a vid online teaching u how a "proper date" should go. cool character just wish his personality was a bit more unique u know.:applejackunsure:

6434625 I was the editor for this story, and I remember correcting all mistakes you mentioned. Huh.:ajbemused:

until a knock from the door

... what it did? a knock from the door "interrupted her", or "startled her"?

Something your hiding!

"you're" or "you are". It is one of the most eye-catching mistakes that disrupts reading.

into a evilish smirk

"an" and "evil" smirk.

She winked, and playfully punched Aria, by her shoulder.

Almost never put comma before "and", there should not be comma before "by", and you do get punched BY someone IN something, and yes, I used comma before "and" here correctly (probably, not 100% sure).

These are mistakes from 1/4th of the story, the last one was actually my nitpicking but I wish for you to see that there always is a room for improvement. Please take it as means of improving. I honestly want to help, though I may seem like a bi***.

I must also say, nice chapter, looking forward to next one.

6437696 Not at all, your just helping out and giving advice. Thank you!

6434625 Geez, and here I thought I was the only one going to say this. Still, funny story. A little more polish could make this a lot better tho.

6441895
Yeah, it just needs polishing. Though I think there will never be enough polishing for any story.
And a bad side of me wants to point mistakes a bit, it also motivates me a little to continue my own fimfiction.

I'm certainly intrigued by this story. Can't wait to see more.

6443075 There really isn't enough polish for any story. There will always be mistakes somewhere but smoothing things out to be closer to the mean is usually for the best either way. XD I've been editing and offering advice on here for a while so I can't really nitpick but easy mistakes should be avoided either way.

6447521
Yeah, the most important thing is to avoid those easy mistakes. When I just read and see them, it's like hitting me with a baseball bat. But luckily they are really rare.
Kudos for offering advice. Maybe someday you'll criticize my story (if I sit down to write it properly) :>

6447569 I know that feeling. It reminds me of that time I found a super popular story that was so ridden with mistakes that I literally couldn't even finish reading it. :twilightsheepish: It was terrible.
And yeah, sure maybe. I have a massive backlog of stories to read. I'm trying to get up to six thousand stories. Of course that's just scratching the surface since there's over 200k stories on here.

I like your works but... this one is just bad.
I am sorry to say that but as a reader it is impossible for me to immerse in this story.
You did very good job in expressing the Dazzlings' character, however this cannot be said about OC's. In this story there's only one OC guy and he's got no story, no specific charater, nothing. If you're not good with OC's (no one can be Lauren Faust), think about making Anons and presenting the story from 2nd person perspective.
Keep up writing, I personally want to see you write sth awesome. ;)

Cheers!

No...no no no no! Not another one! Please tell me you didn't really end it! I was in love with this story man! I've lost too many gems to lose another!

This is good, but feels a little bland. Characters could use a little more life and the names are, well, too normal. Not like the names that the characters have in the movies. The interaction between Aria and Sonata is adorable though and it is nice to see the Dazzlings doing something other than brooding in a corner about their defeat.

6475373 It's fine, though. I can understand what you mean, this isn't my favorite story that I have written either. :twilightblush:

6476155 Thank you, I understand what you mean. I don't usually write stories or make oc's.

I don't think it's that bad. Great work :)

I really enjoyed this story. Will you make similar ones with the other two Sirens? I hope. Doesn't even have to be connected. :raritystarry:

6511617 Of course. Writting romance stories about the dazzlings, are super fun. :yay:

Aria looks like a vocaloid in that drawing :pinkiesmile:

Your description "In a average day.." should be "On an average day.."

Comment posted by tgb089 deleted Aug 2nd, 2018

"Nice to know someone else who doesn't like a lot of people. I've never liked my family much. My brother and sister are jerks to me, and my Step dad is the worst."

"Wait, step dad?"

"Yeah. My mom passed away, a long time ago, and my I never really knew my dad." Jake sighed. "I really wished I would have met him."

So, he’s adopted?

Bruh, this girl is either a tsundere or bipolar.

Aww, it’s nice to know aria found happiness.

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