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It's Halloween, and everybody is excited for another year of nabbing endless candies at absolutely no charge. My childhood friend, Jalyssa, has me try on a costume of Rainbow Dash. The only problem is...you can't take it off, once you put it on.
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Aw....wow XD
Why would you WANT to take it off?
6293795 I wouldn't.
6293786 I assume you're refferring to the end?
6293815 Yes XD
6293830 funny thing is I have a friend jalyssa who was a good friend we referee to as family then she went and came with the back stabbing.
6293836 That.....sucks......
6293852 reffer*
6293856 I know what you meant
6293866 good :)
Jalyssea trolled him lol
6293880 right? Lol
6293872
Can we get a sequel or another chapter? Perhaps with different characters and such.
I like the idea, but it needs more world building.
It could use some editing in the last few paragraphs(some words look like they got autocorrected) and I would like to see more(chapters or a sequel). Overall I liked it.
6294099 setting description you mean by that, right? I agree.
6294074 I don't know really.
I don't think there was anything temporary about those costumes...
6294333 no cost to you. Cause they aren't real
6294373 eenope
6294205 Please?
to be continued? please?
6294405 sequel please?
6294418 nope
6294446 never
6294483 not a chance.
Just kidding, I might, one of these days.
I want to like this story, I really do, but it has too many problems for me to ignore. First, the spelling. You need an editor, or at least to proofread more thoroughly. Second, the reactions. Your characters are too accepting of the bizarre, and how they got their hands on the costumes in the first place isn't really explained. Third, it needs more details: more in depth descriptions of the costumes, before putting it on, while putting it on, and after putting it on, people's expressions and movements as they react, the transformation itself, that sort of thing. It's a cool concept, but got bogged down a bit by the execution.
Final rating, 6/10. Fix these issues and get back to me and I'll adjust my rating accordingly.
6294530 alright. And one thing. It was mentioned many times Jalyssa MADE them
6294405 I know but we can dream... speaking of that if it's cannon ponies only I'd have to say Sunset, Trixie, Spitfire, Night shade, or powder rouge. If I have to be a mare might as well be one that's fun to be.
6294560 I know we just met, and this may sudden, but I feel we need to have......
6294573 lol have a what?
6294581 A CAKE PARTAY!!!
6294584
I like you your silly.
6294593 the correct term is you're. "I like you. You're silly." Is the left way to do it. Derp.
my favorite color is marshmallow.
6294599
Crimson is mine.
6294623 bubble raps remind me of woman's big glutes. (Short term for gluteous maximus which is another term for butt)
6294548 And where did a human get their hands on magic or magical items?
6294649 witch kind the big pod bubbles or the sheets of pop pop pop pop pop pop till they yell at you and stop for five minutes and start again.
6294661 it a story contrivance no explanation need but if you want one eBay.
6294661 it's a fantasy story, dude
Goosebumps. This was a Goosebumps book.
6294666 pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop
6294678 whut?
6294676 I know that, dude. Here, this is how it might happen:
"Say, how did you make these things, anyway?"
"There was a do it yourself kit on Ebay."
"Oh."
That's not hard, is it?
6294688 u juss bein picky
6294697 Because I care. I want this story to be better, so I'm nit-picking a lot more than usual.
6294680 but seriously love the story and it would be funny if she got it from a how to magic kit on eBay and every one is stuck in their costumes lol and the seller is Dorcsid96Aitselec
SEQUEL PLEASE
6294708 I know. I thank you for that. :)
6294734 maybe baby gravy
6294760 I dunno...
i just used to use a pillow case, but to each their own, i suppose.
6294789 I'm the pillow. SHOVE ME INSIDE YOU!!!!
6294796 I think he's drunk Jim.
6294855 eeyup.