"The Sun, the Moon, and the Hunt"
Once, when the world was very young, the Sun and Moon wandered the world as sisters. They were only fillies then, but they were already far, far older than the ponies they protected. They were very clever fillies, and so the ponies loved them, and the Sun and Moon taught them about magic and fire and friendship, and they were happy.
There weren’t very many peoples on the planet then – the ponies were, they believed, the smartest and most advanced of any creature, and were content to stay in their little towns. The Sun and Moon, however, were as curious as they were clever, and they wondered if there were other creatures in the world to befriend.
The Star Siblings set out one fresh spring morning, eager to explore, and travelled North. It was a very pleasant journey, at first, for the grass was at its greenest and the sky at its most blue. But the further north they went, the sky clouded over as the grass became sparser. The world became colder, the sisters realised, shuddering around their campfire, but they were very strong little fillies, and they continued to travel.
Eventually, they came to a small village nestled in the icy peaks of the Frozen North (as the fillies had since named it) filled with ponies much like themselves. They were not the same, however, for they were a very bitter people, with eyes like glass and skin like stone. The fillies spoke to them of the sunlit fields of their home, but the strange stone ponies were only more embittered and envious at this revelation. The fillies were saddened by this, and almost considered returning home.
But then, they discovered another little filly, even younger and smaller than they were, who looked just like them – two wings as well as a horn – and who begged them to help the ponies of her village. She showed them her magical rocks, and whispered to them of how they mysteriously shone like the sun on occasion. The star siblings then thought of their home, miles and miles away, and they were surprised when the magical crystal lit up like stars.
It was love! Love was the key, they told the filly, love that made crystals glow. And not just glow – even as they watched, the snow around them began to melt, and the world seemed a little bit brighter.
The three little fillies showed the stones to the rest of their village, and demonstrated their power. The village, shocked and awed, smiled with great happiness as more and more stones began to shine, until all the ponies themselves, including the siblings and their new companion, were burning like beacons.
The siblings waved goodbye to the crystal ponies, hugged the littlest filly (whom they adopted as their littlest sister in celebration) and returned to their village, happy knowing that they had made new friends.
The star siblings set out again, on a sweet summer’s day, and went East. The journey was easier, it seemed, than their previous trip, for the sun was warm and the rolling hillocks and fields of their home were a mainstay. Eventually, however, they came to the sea, which seemed to go past the horizon.
“What do we do?” the Moon asked the Sun (for the Sun was the oldest and wisest of the two).
“It looks like we’ll have to fly,” the Sun replied, and so they did.
The flight was long, and hard, but the fillies were very strong. They flew for many hours without pause, and so eventually they came to another great land. The soft fields and hillocks of their home were replaced with sunbeaten grassland and mountainsides.
It was here that the star siblings found a wandering tribe of strange creatures, half-bird and half-lion, with spears and bows and sharp claws. They were very wary of the ponies at first, but their caution soon turned to curiosity. They invited them to speak to their leader, a homely hen of sharp mind and sharper tongue. She spoke to the fillies as equals, for she knew cleverness when she saw it, and soon the fillies learned that these gryphons were at war with another tribe of gryphons. When the fillies asked her why, the hen told them that they wanted to hunt for food without the other tribe competing with them.
And so, the star siblings led the tribes to one another. They convinced the leaders to ask each other what they wanted. To their great surprise, they both just wanted to hunt freely! They realised, then, that their fighting had been for naught, and so they joined forces peacefully. The gryphon leaders thanked the fillies for their help. They returned home, happy knowing that they had made new friends.
The star siblings set out again, in the midsts of autumn, and went West. When they arrived at the sea again, they decided to travel further south, and eventually they came to a great open desert. The fillies walked for a time, and found the journey gruelling.They decided to fly into the air and look past the endless dunes in a sea of sand, and by doing so they found a tiny patch of tents. As the fillies approached, they could see large shapes moving in the sand.
They were buffalo! Huge, powerful, yet peaceful creatures, they greeted the little filly sisters warmly, offering them refuge from the dry heat of the desert inside their cool, shaded teepees. The star siblings accepted their hospitality with grateful joy.
After refreshing themselves with some of the buffalo’s rations of water, the fillies asked the buffalo why they lived in such a dry and desolate land. The buffalo told them stories of the great oasis that their distant ancestors had settled on, providing them with enough food and water to live peacefully. Alas, the buffalo mourned, the oasis was dying, as the buffalo had become too populous for it to sustain.
The sisters looked upon the remainder of the oasis with frowns on their filly faces. If the oasis is gone, they asked the buffalo, then why don’t they move somewhere else?
The buffalo shook their heads and sang to them of the many, many buffalo that had disappeared in dribs and drabs over the years, vanished into the desert and never seen again. They didn’t even know if there was anywhere else to go, for they had lived by the oasis all their lives. And besides, they whispered in frightened tones, there are beasts in the desert. They could see the shadows on the surface of the sand as they flew overhead, and they could hear the rustling of the desert at night, and they were terrified.
The filly sisters, clever as they were, knew exactly what to do. They reminded them that, however frightened they were of the unknown, they were also buffalo, a mighty and proud people that should be respected. The key, they explained, was to stick together, for friends and family are always stronger together.
And so, bolstered by their words, the buffalo, together with the little fillies, stampeded across the desert, together as one roaring beast, until they came to a wide-reaching plain covered in delicious grasses and bordered by a great winding river. The buffalo celebrated with song, that night, and whispered numerous thank-yous to the filly sisters, who slept peacefully in the buffalo camp, exhausted yet happy knowing they had made new friends.
The next day, instead of returning home, the star siblings decided to go further South, for the buffalo had told them old stories of strange and terrifying creatures that dwelled at the edge of the great land they called home. Intrigued, the sisters set out on their journey, the songs of the buffalo still singing in their souls.
The trek was long, and arduous. After crossing a steep spine of crags and cliffs, the fillies found themselves in a deathly silent valley that went on for many miles. There was little food there, for nothing could grow in the rocky, blasted earth, and there was very little water. The Sun and Moon were as sturdy as they were strong, however, and so they made good progress through the Badlands (as they had since named them).
They were halfway through the Badlands when the Moon noticed something trailing distantly behind them. She narrowed her eyes and peered at it, but could only make out a tall, winged silhouette, watching them silently. She turned to get her sister’s attention, but when they both turned to look, it was gone. The Moon apologised and told herself she must have been imagining things, and they continued on.
But, after only another sparse handful of miles, two more of the creatures appeared, this time directly in front of them, at a similar distance. The star sisters, as smart and strong as they were, became quite worried, for none of the other animals they had met behaved like this.
The two mysterious creatures gazed at them further, then turned and flew away. The star sisters continued, albeit more cautiously.
As they travelled, they spotted more and more of the creatures. At first, they remained distant and aloof, watching them with something akin to curiosity. However, by the time the fillies had gotten close enough to the end of the desolate wasteland that they could see the fringes of a great forest in the distance, the creatures were swooping overhead and following behind them close enough that they could hear sonorous, vaguely mocking laughter.
They looked like the gryphons, almost, the sisters thought. They all had huge wings held proudly aloft, but they had the rear end of a bird rather than the beak and body. In lieu of a lion, they possessed the body, head, and cloven hooves of graceful deer. Their eyes glinted a strange colour – a burning gold.
The star sisters eventually left the Badlands behind them, allowing them to breathe a sigh of relief, and they came to the mouth of the enormous forest. Their entourage had disappeared while they weren’t looking, but they could see more of the deer-birds flying far above them. They weren’t sure whether they were ignoring them on purpose or if they had simply stopped caring.
At the heart of the towering forest, the Sun and the Moon found a vast collection of large nests, perched on the boughs of enormous trees, and in these nests sat the creatures. The laughter was entirely gone now, leaving only a profound and unnerving absence of sound.
“Hello?” the Sun spoke aloud. The Moon was huddled by her flank, watching the creatures with wide eyes.
“Hello!” the creatures chirped in response. “Who are you, little fillies?”
The Sun, mistaking their mockery for friendliness, responded, “We’re the Sun and the Moon, and we’re here to make friends!”
There was a pause. The deer-birds exchanged glances, then began to giggle to themselves. “Is that right?”
“Yes!” the Sun said, smiling widely, for she had again misinterpreted their laughter. “We have travelled such a long way to meet you!” The Moon, again, said nothing.
One of the creatures took wing and glided deftly down to a low, thin branch on a nearby tree, upon the end of which dangled a large, tasty-looking fruit. “Well, if that is the case, we shall offer you this delicious fruit, as a welcome gift.” And he dropped down onto the branch, his weight bending the branch until the fruit hung right over the Sun’s head.
“Oh! Why thank you very much!” The Sun stood on her hindlegs and reached up with her hooves towards the fruit, which was just far enough away that she had difficulty grasping it properly.
And then, with a bark of harsh laughter, the creature took to the air again, suddenly, and the branch swung up faster than the Sun could react. She yelped, and fell onto her back. The Moon cried her name while the creatures laughed and laughed and laughed.
The creature that had tricked them alighted upon the forest floor and smirked at the sniffling fillies at his hooves. “Do you know what we are, little ponies?”
The Moon looked up and shook her head. This close, she could see that their eyes weren’t so much gold as a sharp, sickly yellow.
“We are perytons,” he said, chuckling merrily to himself. “And we have no want nor need of your friendship, for we are far more ancient and powerful than even you, who take the stars’ names in vain.” The perytons in the nests above them giggled and boo’d at them.
“But why do you have to be so mean?” the Moon asked them. “If you didn’t want to be friends, why couldn’t you just say so?”
“Because that would be boring!” The peryton (the leader, the sisters assumed, for he was taller and larger than the rest) grinned at them. “Now, pick up your pathetic sister and go home. We aren’t some shambling, squabbling species waiting for you to save us. We are the perytons, and we will live forevermore.”
The Sun got back to her hooves and sniffed sadly, turning to walk away. The Moon, however, growled, lit her horn, and cast a mighty curse at the contradictory creature.
The peryton just laughed. Shadows crawled along the tines of his antlers, reached out towards the curse, and swallowed it up whole. “I will pretend that you didn’t just try a silly thing like that, and you can go home unscathed. How is that for a deal?”
Beaten, broken, and humiliated, the star siblings returned home, miserable knowing that they had failed to make new friends.
That night, while the Sun slept in their camp (which was hidden away under a rocky overhang), the Moon went out and glared at the distant forest. She was angry. Furious, even. For the first time in her filly life, she wished genuine harm upon the foul perytons and their wicked ways, for it was not enough that they should trick and bully the filly siblings – she could hear her sister crying softly in the tent, purely because she blamed herself for pushing the perytons away.
It was this knowledge that made the Moon grit her teeth and resist the urge to shriek at the heavenly bodies like a wild beast. Her anger struck three ways – at the perytons for their cruelty, at her sister for her softness of spirit, and at herself for huddling and hiding like a newborn when she needed to be strong.
I cannot let this injustice stand, she thought to herself. But what could she do? The perytons, for all their bragging and blustering, were indeed far more powerful than she could handle, and had lived for many centuries more than they had. The shadows themselves bent to their will.
And then, the Moon had a terrible, terrible thought. If the darkness of the night is my domain, she pondered, would that not make me their superior in all but name?
The Moon lifted her horn to the heavens, where the stars looked on in dreadful anticipation, and she spoke to her symbol in the sky. Burn brightly, my moon, and cleanse the shadows from the night.
And so the Moon’s moon – for they were both the same, and yet not the same – rose and burned with an eerie light, so bright that the world below was cast into a sharp relief. The shadows of the trees and rocks were so deep in the oppressive light that they looked like solid shapes such that if one were to look upon them at the right angle, they would appear to move independently of their host.
The Moon watched the forest intently. Darkness seemed to flicker and writhe in the gaps between the branches, before vanishing. After a few moments of silence, the Moon heard a distant, anguished keen that filled the night for several long seconds before tapering off.
The Moon nodded to herself, then returned to her tent.
The next morning, the Sun and the Moon continued the long trek back to their home in silence. The Sun’s eyes were shot through with red – only partly due to exhaustion – and the days of travelling were starting to take a toll on her pretty white coat and hooves.
The Moon was little better. Her soft blue mane hung limp and her saddlebags were beginning to tear from her time off the beaten path. Unlike her sister, however, she carried with her a certain energy of spirit, as if she had just gotten her second wind.
After an hour or so of walking, the Sun stopped, looked about her at the empty wastes, and asked, “Where are the perytons?” Her voice trembled almost imperceptibly upon the last word.
The Moon looked back at her and grinned. “Oh, they’re probably too occupied to bother us.”
The Sun raised an eyebrow at her sister. “I see.”
The Moon set off again at a canter. “Come! We should make the most of this opportunity to escape unscathed!”
The Sun was suspicious, but her relief at getting away from the nasty perytons overcame it. The sisters continued on.
To the Sun’s great surprise, the star siblings made it all the way out of the Badlands and into the realm of the buffalo without seeing a single peryton. So ecstatic were they that they galloped all the way home, laughing at their good fortune. When they arrived at their village, the little ponies greeted them with great joy, for the sisters had been away from home for much longer than they had been before, and so their friends and family had been anxious over their return.
The sisters smiled and laughed and assuaged their worries with stories of their travels with the buffalo, which they told around a great bonfire, with the occasional burst into beautiful melody, as per the buffalo way. The ponies of their village were awed, as they had been when they had heard the other tales of the star sisters’ exploits, but this was tempered by their curiosity.
“That sounds like an amazing adventure,” they told them, and then asked, “but if you have been to the North, and the East, and now the West, then will you next travel South?”
When they had been asked this question, the sisters exchanged nervous glances. “We did try going to the South, but there was nothing there,” they eventually lied. “Only an enormous wasteland that extends as far as the eye can see.”
The ponies of their village were disappointed by this news, the sisters knew, but better disappointment than terror. For who knows what the perytons will do, given the incentive? The thought made the Sun shake in her shoes.
The Moon, however, was less worried. “It’ll be fine,” she promised her sister. “The perytons would not bother us, for they are cowards, and will stay to their forest for fear of the outside world.”
The Sun was mollified by this, somewhat, and the sisters slept peacefully that night, while the Moon’s moon burned brightly in the sky.
In many variations of the tale, this would be where it ends, as a tale of friendship, of adventure, and of the simple truth that not everything in the world is capable of being rationalised with. But there is an ending to this story. It goes like this:
For many months after forging friendships with the civilised creatures of the world, the star siblings and their village went about their simple lives in peace. On occasion, the sisters would travel out to resolve a dispute, or deliver a message, and in turn a member of another species would come bearing gifts or words of thanks. The sisters, alongside their governing of their home and their ponies, took the time to build relations between the other species as well.
Slowly, the world was becoming closer together. Life was good for the star siblings. Life was good for everyone.
Or so it seemed.
One day, the Sun and the Moon awoke to find the villagers gathered in a huge crowd, mumbling and arguing with each other and pointing at something in the centre of the group. Curious, the sisters approached and asked them to step aside, which they did (albeit very nervously).
In the centre of the circle was a pony, one of their own, who had collapsed onto his side. At first, the sisters wondered if he had fainted, or fallen asleep, but they realised that his eyes were still open, staring forward blankly.
“What’s going on?” the Sun asked the gathered ponies. “Are you hurt?” she asked the fallen stallion. The crowd looked at each other and shrugged. They were as curious as she was.
The stallion blinked, lazily, then raised his head and looked up at them. “Hello.” His voice was very flat, and toneless. The Moon noticed the dull drabness of his coat, and gave the Sun a queer look.
“Hello, my little pony,” she said, smiling gently. The Moon stood at her shoulder and stared at him uncertainly. “Why have you fallen?”
The pony blinked again, then looked down at himself. “I do not know,” he admitted, before climbing back to his hooves. “I must have not been paying attention. I apologise for causing any worry.”
The ponies did not seem mollified. They muttered and grumbled and shot him nervous glances. The Moon blinked, glanced at the crowd, then examined the stallion more closely. She gasped.
Her sister looked at her questioningly, and the Moon pointed at the ground by his side.
“Sir?” the Sun asked him, after several moments of silence. “What is your name?”
“Oh,” he mumbled. “Sunny Meadows, I think.”
“How are you feeling?” the Moon asked, with trepidation.
Sunny Meadows stared back at them, his expression as mute and unchanging as solid stone, and he said, “Empty.” Without another word, he nodded politely and walked past them.
The town watched him go with fear, for the stallion left not a trace of a shadow upon the pavestones as he passed.
The world seemed to descend into madness from there, or at least that’s what the sisters must have believed. Sunny Meadows, once as cheerful as his namesake and now a hollow shell of a pony who was rarely seen outside his home, was only the first of many cases to come. Every day the sisters awoke, there was another pony stumbling through the town with a colourless coat and lifeless eyes. The ponies who retained their minds were once terrified and then disgusted by the cursed ponies, who were once their friends and family, and treated them as less than dirt.
The worst part of all this, the Sun and Moon realised, was that the cursed ponies didn’t care at all. Not for their abuse, not for their situation, and, it seemed, not for their own lives. They just wandered, lost, like a ghost, or a piece of machinery.
Faded, they began to be called. As if their essence had been erased and only the shell remained.
It was not limited to the sisters’ village, however. A month later, crystal ponies came to their village, telling them of the curse that robbed their people of their smiles and returned the world to its eternal winter.
The next month, the gryphons came to their village, warning them of the disease that stole their will and war-spirit, leaving only prideless husks in its wake. The hunters would not hunt, the leaders could not lead, and the tribe was once again threatening to shatter into civil war.
And, finally, the buffalo came, stampeding across the grassy meadows like rolling thunder, wailing a despaired dirge as they ran. They told the sisters of their plight – their fellows, as they had done not so long ago, were disappearing into the desert without a word, their heads hung low and their eyes empty of emotion, of empathy, and of energy.
The star siblings did not sleep very often, in those days. They were running out of food, for there were fewer ponies working the fields. The unrest amongst the gathered races was almost palpable, hanging in the air like a dense fog.
Why, was the word on everyone’s lips. Why was this happening?
And then, as if fate was pulling a cruel, sick joke, the answer turned up almost literally on the star siblings’ doorstep.
It was, to the Sun’s surprise and the Moon’s horror, a peryton. She was a far cry from the regal beings who once lurked in the South – her wings hung by her sides, mangy and filthy, and her eyes were akin to dull glass, instead of their usual unnerving yellow. She stood tall, however, and strong, and stared at them without fear despite being surrounded on all sides by ponies, buffalo, and gryphons, who stared at her with instinctive caution.
“Why are you here?” the Sun asked, with a harsh glare. “You’ve already made it clear that you do not wish to be friends.” The Moon, as before, just stood silently.
“I came to retrieve what you have taken from me,” the peryton said. Her voice trembled like a leaf, but it contained an ancient beauty that made the creatures around her shift uneasily. “From all of us.”
The Sun blinked. “But we have taken nothing,” she said, head tilted in confusion.
“Not you.” The peryton pointed at the Moon. “Her.”
“Leave my little sister be!” the Sun said, standing in front of the Moon protectively. “She has done nothing to you! It is me who has angered you!”
The peryton shook her head, and the sisters did not know if she did it with sorrow, anger, or resignation. “We will not leave until we regain what we have lost.”
And it was then that the Sun looked down, at the peryton’s cloven hooves, and saw the shadow that stretched out in the summer sunshine – it was Sunny Meadows.
The negotiations were surprisingly amicable.
First, the Moon told her sister everything. She admitted her crime – how she told her charge to take the perytons’ shadows and toss them to the four winds, for she knew they were the source of their power. She explained to the Sun her anger, her sadness, and her desire to see retribution upon the creatures that dared to make her cry.
The Sun was silent, for a long moment, following the confession. Then, in full view of the ponies, the gryphons, the buffalo, and the remnants of the perytons – who sat apart from the rest, and guarded their stolen shadows as a dragon with its hoard – she kissed her sister’s tears away and hugged her.
“It’s not me whose forgiveness you must seek,” she told the Moon, “it is the beings you wronged.”
The Moon, who respected her sister’s wishes above all else, prostrated herself before the perytons and requested their forgiveness. The perytons refused, and again demanded the return of their shadows.
“I cannot return them,” said the Moon, “they are lost. They have been adrift for too long in the aether.”
“Then we shall keep the shadows we have taken as tribute,” said the perytons, “and we will leave your species well enough alone.”
The mortal creatures argued this, demanding the return of their friends. But the sisters, for they were the wisest of ponies, allowed this, and stated that at the end of every decade, the shadows would return to their true owners, and the perytons would be free to seek new shadows as they pleased.
They turned to the perytons and asked them if they could find it in their hearts to lend their magic to assist the mortal races, who needed help gathering food for the coming winter in the absence of their Faded population. The perytons reluctantly promised their assistance, at least until they were no longer needed.
It was an uneasy agreement. But it was an agreement, and so the sisters went to sleep that night, satisfied that they would be at peace.
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frist
5982458
Thanks for the great comment! :D
5982465 i am best commenter
That was an interesting read. I like how you established the perytons in a smooth way that made it not only interesting, but in a way where the pacing wasn't too slow. The characters were all defined and written well, which is always a plus. The involvement Celestia and Luna had in the story was also nice, particularly in regards to Luna's role, and having the narration referring to them as Sun and Moon was a fun touch. Anyway, I enjoyed this story, and I wish you the best of luck on your future writings.
5982474
Thank you very much for the constructive comment, Mana. :) Now I can maybe sleep in peace!
5982489 You're welcome! Thank you for sharing this story with us.
Nice world-building, sug. You ever think about going original with this idea?
5982574
I've thought about it, yes. When I have more time I might adapt it, just as I plan to adapt my future Dragonfic (which is actually very similar to this in style) to original fiction as well.
This is a truly beautiful idea, I hope you'll come back to it soon. The perytons are truly intriguing and I'd love to see more of the characters you've crafted.
I also wonder about the idea of the shadows leaving them, if that's still the case or not. Since the first peryton to approach, even with a shadow was clearly suffering. Perhaps they need to collect more shadows?
So many brilliant themes occurring here. I love how you're able to blend real life with a written story and make each feel distinct.
5982646
Thank you!
I actually have a pretty strong idea for a new chapter, but there are other projects in the wings.
5983355
Yes.
5984029
Well, I kind of imagined that the perytons didn't really require a "productive" population as such -- the shadows are what give them their immortality and magical power, as well as their emotions. They are actually relatively small in number and produce a very small number of offspring, given their immense lifespans.
I was kind of thinking that the perytons actually assisted the mortal races for a long while until the mortal population was large enough that the Faded population was relatively small and they were capable of sustaining themselves, thereby allowing the perytons to fade into obscurity? Also, taking a sapient shadow is actually very rare in modern peryton society, which is something i was going to cover in future chapters.
This was quite intriguing. You have a lot of great backstory here, and the whole thing has a nice mythological feel to it. I hope to see more of this story in the future. Do you plan to eventually cover how this fits in to the canon history?
And to be clear, at the end of the story Celestia and Luna are still fillies, correct? I wasn't entirely sure how much time had passed.
5985631
Thank you! And yes, they're still fillies, although, since it's a fairytale, exactly how much time passed between events isn't accurate to real life. I imagine they'd be a few years older at the end of the story than the beginning in real terms.
Since they can control shadows, the Perytons may be the only creatures who can defeat the Vashta Narada!
*Peryton steps into shadow... turns to bones instantly...*
Ooooo-kayyyyy... so that was clearly a flop.
Fascinating. A well crafted story all around, establishing a race we've never seen in Equestria and giving them rich lore. And apparently, it isn't done yet! I look forward to more.
Oh man. Long comment ahoy. Grab some fuckin’ popcorn here.
Huh. Only upon re-read of this passage I realize that the Hierophant is actually a woman. Mare. Shedeer. Whatever. I had assumed it was this old-as-hell deer, a la Merlin, with a huge-ass beard to finish the picture.
Which reminds me: Why did you use the word “Hierophant” here? Like, I mostly associate that with the Major Arcana (It’s Card number V), but that’s probably because my mother knows how to read the Tarot cards and all that. You probably didn’t do it thinking of the Tarot or anything, but that’d be cool!
Now, on more serious matters – there’s a reason why I tell you you’re really Gaimain-ish lately, man, and this paragraph is the reason why. Good ol’ Neil has this habit of presenting fantasy worlds to the reader with an introduction that explains nothing, but shows you one or two names that imply authority or something dangerous, and then builds on them.
It’s not something exclusive of him, of course – many authors do that – but both in his short tales and in Sandman (I haven’t read that much of him, I gotta admit), he does that all the time.
It’s a cool thing, though, I think. What Gaiman tries to establish (and what you’re trying to establish here, as a result) is a double sense of the civilization being foreign, and the world being close enough for us to understand. Plus, it’s always enemy + authority, for some reason? I guess those two things are the most important ones to understand on an immediate basis. You get what you gotta look up to, and what to fear. Not a bad combination.
It’s sort of an in medias res approach to woldbuilding, that’s what I mean. Introduce concepts, explain later. The Hierophant gets no more development later, so here it’s just a way to show us that the world of the story is bigger than what we’re shown. Again, a very Gaiman thing (but all in all, a very Fantasy thing in general). Still, the execution is pretty Gaiman.
Also, Hierophant being female reminds me of Celestia. As at first I thought of an old guy, I hadn’t drawn that parallel before, so now part of my ideas about parts that come later go down the drain. Hrmm. Oh, well, I’ll still babble about them when the time comes.
Here. Here’s the parallel I wanted to point at. This, plus this:
And every interaction between Bright Eyes and Moonfeather, mostly, but this one is the most important one.
I’m actually a little disappointed at myself because I didn’t catch it the first time, but a second look made it pretty clear – there’s a huge Twilight/Celestia vibe in here.
I mean, the parallel is clear enough for me to be pretty sure it’s on purpose, right? It’s this student/teacher thing, with the teacher being a wise old mare with huge and beautiful wings, and the student being a small child (in comparison to the teacher, at least; Twilight starts the show as a young adult after all), and there’s this sense of wonder around it.
Plus, Bright Eyes likes to study. And, well, it also shows up in the names. Bright/Sparkle, and Moonfeather having a space-related name.
I actually think that’s pretty cool! As a way to show the differences between the two civilizations (Equestria and Peryterra), you show a really similar situation to the one we’re already familiar with (Twilight and Celestia). That makes the differences more striking, like the fact that Moonfeather changes every X years, or how she seems to be way more maternal with Bright Eyes than Celestia ever was with Twilight.
Dunno, I thought it was neat. I mean, as long as it’s on purpose. Otherwise, you just like Celestia and Twilight a lot, man. A lot.
As a fantasy/worldbuilding device, however, it’s a good thing. So even if it’s not on purpose, take note of that for future reference or something.
HAH! I liked this line.
No real comment here, I just liked this line. Goes well with your usual voicing; you gotta write more humor/humorous lines, man.
On the other hand, this was a lil’ bit awkward. Thinking out loud is okay if it fits the character (people do that, after all – hell, I’m thinking out loud all the fucking time myself), but thinking inwardly immediately afterwards makes it look weird.
This is a clear opposite to Twilight’s situation, drawing the parallel/dichotomy thingy I’ve been babbling about with clearer contrast. However, once we look past that, this does raise a couple questions.
Perytons dislike the library, as in, the building. However, they’re a-okay with books, as we can see by the fact that Moonfeather sees reading a story to Bright Eyes as something really normal. Maternal, too, because the relationship between those two is pretty cool.
But still, no library but yes books. That’s actually pretty interesting –the library is bad, they say, because it’s lonely, and perytons don’t like loneliness. It was built by someone else. But then, what about the books? Were the books brought with the library? Both Moonfeather and Bright Eyes can read, so literature is part of their education.
What about peryton writers? Is that seen as something bad, too? Writers tend to be lonely, because writing is a thing you do by yourself, in silence. Watching someone write is pretty boring. The perytons like to be in groups, they avoid individuality – so the whole “book” thing is really interesting.
I’d like to know more on that angle, that’s what I’m saying. Stories unite people, but the fact of writing down one is not something that is going to bring the group any closer. And Moonfeather says that memories get fuzzier with time, so you can’t expect the perytons to have an oral storytelling tradition.
Or, well, maybe they do? But unlike humans, a peryton is not going to remember every story he’s ever told, or every story he’s been told (not like humans remember all of them either, but the important ones are there). Seeing just how fucking long perytons live, it’s ridiculous for us to expect that.
Maybe they tell each other the same story all the time? Moonfeather tells Bright Eyes the story on how the perytons came to be, for example. Time passes, Moonfeather forgets, but Bright Eyes is still young so the memory is fresher, it’s not lost in the long millennia he’s been around.
So, some centuries later, Bright Eyes tells Moonfeather the story. And she learns it from scratch. And then the cycle repeats itself.
That’s actually a very beautiful idea, if sad. Of course, it also implies that perytons forget themselves after a while, and are constantly changing because the new memories replace the old ones. But…
It checks out. So HAH!
It’s still pretty sad, though. You can really start wondering if that means that every peryton dies and is reborn after a while, depending on what do you consider an individual. If your memories and personality change completely, you’re not you. Then again, the change is so gradual they probably don’t notice. Is it a change, even?
It’s the old Theseus Paradox all over again, that’s what I’m saying here. Hmm.
Oh, yeah, and the whole Fallen thing, and how they’re something to be avoided. I don’t really think I can add much to that – it’s a fairly straightforward element in the story.
It’s sort of similar to the cutie marks, I guess? For ponies, getting the cutie mark is a rite of maturity, when they discover their identity. I suppose we can see the perytons, their hunt, and their shadows as something that works the same way?
But alien civilizations need to be different, not just a rehashing of the same old things, and I’m really stretching things here. There’s not a parallel in this part, which is good. Plus, blank flanks are just laughed at by little fillies, not outright pariahs.
I really liked the fact that they have nests, by the way. This, more than anything, makes them different from ponies (especially pegasi).
That’s the problem with creating new races – you gotta make sure they’re not just the old races with a recolor and magical ability added to it. The culture, the philosophy, the way they live… It has to be different. This here is a tiny detail, but it does that. They’re not deer pegasi; they’re perytons, and a completely different thing.
The whole “loneliness” thing also adds to this, by the way. I just like the picture of them having huge-ass nests more interesting. It’s a really cool visual. A shame you didn’t spend more time describing it in more detail so we could, like, see the picture.
But that might have dragged on the story a little bit, so maybe it wasn’t a bad choice. Hm.
D’aaaw. Bright Eyes is so cute. He wants to be a grownup.
The connotations in this line are pretty interesting. They have a slow development, not just as adults, but as fillies too?
I always assumed Luna and Celestia had this, y’know, cheap immortality thing. They grow up normally, then when they’re twenty or whatever they freeze in time. Guess you went for the most realistic approach (as realistic as you can go when it comes to immortality and magical talking ponies, of course).
This also implies that for maybe centuries, the ponies had to deal with two prepubescent rulers. And then teenager rulers. And then – man. Those must have been dark times.
On account of the show being so obviously pony-centric (it’s called My Little Pony, after all), ponies have to be the most developed race. They move the sun and the moon, and even before Celestia and Luna were a thing they were playing with the cosmic bodies out there.
Guess the perytons are little more than glorified pigeons, after all. Fucking jackasses. As almighty as they want, but they’re so self-centered they don’t realize the only reason they’re alive is because the ponies are doing all the work there.
Luna is the Moon Princess, though. No Star. I guess they work like the Mario Brothers.
Hmmm. In this story, this means Cadance is immortal. And old as hell. Poor Shining Armor, he’s gonna be outlived.
This also goes against the soft-canon of the books, but nobody cares for the soft canon. I’m also surprised you went against your own headcanon here – I know as a fact you took that book seriously at least once.
(Wink wink, nudge nudge).
Note how this implies Sombra didn’t corrupt the Crystal Ponies with his dark magic. The lack of love (or the lack of a catalyzer – I guess that they need an outside source for it to work, because they’re minerals or something? Fantasy races, they have stuff like that) is enough for them to be depressed and bitter on a normal basis.
Sombra didn’t mess the entire Crystal Empire up and ruled as a tyrant. He appeared once Cadance was away (if she was there by the time the Princesses were fillies, then the only way Sombra could have ruled is for her to run away at some point – and way before Shining was even a thing, to boot) and took what was already there.
Pretty dark, if you ask me. I can see Sombra thinking that the Crystal ponies were born to be ruled (a la Loki from the Cinematic Universe, I guess. That’s a comparison I never thought I’d be doing). And, to be fair, he would have had a point.
“Littlest” is a word I had never seen written down, and it just turned into my third favorite word in the entire English language. God that’s cute.
Luna and Celestia are herbivores, but they don’t seem to give a rat’s ass about the fact that the griffons kill and eat animals to survive. I appreciate that!
In case it wasn’t clear enough by now, Luna and Celestia are fitting a messianic archetype here. They show up, fix every problem, then go away. It’s a nice role for them, seeing how later they act as mentors.
Interesting how they act as a single unit until the perytons show up, though. I guess it kind of symbolizes how they were close until Luna went astray? Or maybe it’s just the best way to tell the story. Eh, whatever works.
All perytons who have been shown in a role of authority have been female. I don’t know if that was intentional, but the fact that the Harbinger of Doom here is a male makes me think that the perytons are probably matriarchal.
I mean, the Hierophant was a lady, after all.
Having Luna committing the main fuckup was a given, seeing how she’s the one who eventually falls into darkness. However, it’s interesting that her main motivation here is that they hurt her sister.
Like, in the show, it’s explained that she became Nightmare Moon because she was jealous or alone. Because they didn’t care about her. However, here she doesn’t mind if herself is mistreated – it’s her sister you can’t touch without getting a whuppin’.
I really like that. Adoration for older siblings, and that protective instinct, is something I can get behind easily. Also, it kind of has undertones about the real reason why Luna went grimdark?
Like, she cares about Celestia, and only Celestia. Celestia cares about her, too. But in the future, when everything goes wrong for Luna, Celestia didn’t really help her. I think it’s canon that Celestia’s lack of attention was one of the reasons why Nightmare Moon appeared?
If Luna cares so much for her sister, having her turning her back on her… That must hurt, man. No reason she tried to kill everypony. Et tu, Brute and all that.
This is such a weird sentence when presented without context.
Oh. Ooooooooooh. That was clever.
Hmm. Somewhat bittersweet. Luna is forgiven, but her mistakes are still out there, and they can’t just ignore the consequences. Then again, the perytons brought it to themselves.
I actually wonder what is the moral of the story. No evil deed goes unpunished? Something horrible happens to the perytons, and it’s always because of pride. The pride of the perytons, the pride of Luna.
At first I thought it sounded fairytaleish, but right now it sounds more like mythology. Fits the theme better.
Man. This story seriously needs more love. I won’t say it’s one of your bests because there are two stories out there that I think are better and you know what I’m talking about, but… Yeah. This was really good, man. You’re getting better at fantasy. I don’t know if it’s your defining genre? But in my opinion, it would be awesome if it was.
This.
This is what I love about fanfiction.
Stuff like this.
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That's some humbling praise, dude. Really glad you like it, and thanks a bunch for the addition to You Might Like This.
However, this chapter was where things went wrong for the contest, at least.
For starters, this chapter felt more like a story about Celestia and Luna than a peryton fairy tale. For a regular old story, it really doesn't matter, but for our purposes, it was a bit of a knock on your story. Second, it felt at odds with your first chapter. Obviously, the connection between the two eventually became apparent, but that first chapter really gave the impression that the main characters were going to be perytons, not Celestia and Luna.
And finally, the ending was pretty blah. It felt pretty cheap and seemed almost like a copout.
With all that said, I did enjoy this story quite a bit, and I would love to see it continued (and to see the ending of this chapter fixed up
).
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Yeah, I spent a long time thinking of an angle to tell the fairytale from, but I realised pretty quickly that this one kind of missed the point a bit..
Oh well. Lessons learned. Thanks for the comments!
If this is cancelled, shouldn't it be marked as such?
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I probably would have done before I left the site about a year back if I'd remembered. Thing is, I'm very slowly creeping back into fimfiction as I'm wont to do and now I'm loathe to cancel it. I like this story and I think I want to do more with it. Not sure yet.
8080619 Ah, alright then. I'm just a technical nut with putting the cancellation and hiatus label on stories, don't mind me!