• Member Since 10th May, 2012
  • offline last seen Jul 10th, 2016

Vedavyasa


I am a mad scientist who works with ideas and words.

T

After a horrible accident, Luna is forced to resort to drastic measures in order to save Twilights life. While unconscious, Twilight meets a powerful stallion who claims to be responsible for death, sleep, and all other states of unconsciousness. He turns out to have quite a tale to spin for her, and what he reveals may well be the undoing of one thousand years of harmony.


And so, the rewrite has begun.

Chapters (11)
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Comments ( 190 )

First try at writing anything for public viewing. Just an idea (inspired mostly by Crimson Night, go read it. Awesome story.) that I've been floating in my head for a few days. Not really sure if it's worth continuing. Thoughts and comments greatly appreciated!:twilightblush:

599932
Funny you should post that. I wrote this song listening to the band the first chapter is named after, some of my friends have compared them to Sabbath. All of the chapter titles will be the names of bands or songs I listened too while writing them.

599948

Now that's some good shit. Gonna need to get more of them.

599962
I recommend the tune Heroin Train off of And Hell Will Follow Me (yes I lifted the story title from them too).

first of the remade version :pinkiehappy:

The Giver was a great book.

permanent grin, serious burn related wounds, probably irreversibly psychologically damaged is some way; now who else do we know who's like that?

This was a startling way to begin. The sheer injury to Twilight is difficult to imagine given the gentle art style of the program, but it is more nightmarish for that quality. Oh, what will become of poor Twilight now, so deformed and a vampony?

If I written this though, I would have removed the early parts describing Twilight finding the spell and using it. Those parts feel rather bland and dry, like someone else telling us this information. I would have skipped right to Twilight's injuries as the princesses assess the situation. Twilight's discover then could be put into a later chapter, such as Twilight thinking back on how she ended up like that. But, that's only how I would have done it. I'm quite enjoying the rest.

Quite an interesting concept. This is one for me to follow. I'm now very interested to see how Twilight will deal with this dilemma.

Can't wait for the next chapters. It's good to see a great vampire twilight continued and thanks for allowing me to preread these two chapters. I just noticed that they have been replaced.:pinkiehappy::twilightsmile:

is this getting a rewrite because i could have sworn there where more words to this story the last time i looked?
never mind, saw the blog post

5252141
Or, at the very least, undead.

Same difference really.

Huh, interesting to see an expansion of Twilight's adjustment/training. Not to mention darkening the Princesses' characters, albeit rather suddenly, especially with Celestia.

yes re write started but ha i still have the original hahahahahaha

5276735
Actually, you have the first rewrite, far as I'm aware the only copy of the original version is on my hard drive :twilightsmile:

5277677 thats what you think :twilightsheepish: lets just say once you connect anything to the internet privacy dosnt exist :pinkiecrazy:

5280514 on another note hows the next chapter rewrite going hope your not struggleing

psssst... this is me fishing for a release date for the next chapter

5280772

Well now, there's an interesting question, because I have a chapter finished actually, but I decided to insert one between the last chapter I updated and the one I have finished. If all goes well and I can get someone to pre-read, probably either tonight or tomorrow.

Author's Note:
Yes, I know this is really late, I plead that I just started a new job.
*runs and hides*

you may run and you may hide but I will find you if you make me wait again!

:pinkiesick: Good work on reconstructing the story so far, but personally, I'm done.

5332722 Fair enough, but may I ask why?

5333493 At the risk of being hackneyed, it feels too grimdark for me. I don't remember Twilight needing to fatally drain anypony just to survive last time around, and hoof in hoof with that change there seems to be a sudden and early swerve into black and gray morality, which usually feels forced to me even when it's much later on (whether it's the sudden introduction of cartoonish evil which "justifies" drastic action against them or the obligatory worry by the heroes that they're becoming just as bad, which seldom goes anywhere anyway). It just feels unnecessary, especially before the plot actually gets started, and I know the arc is unlikely to go anywhere that will allow things to lighten up. Again, the actual prose and worldbuilding are quite good, but between this style and my memories of the last version, I don't see anything coming which will justify my reading through it all.... But, you know, that's just my taste.:twilightsheepish:

Ohhhh, I'm sorry but Necromancers preparing for war??? Eh my Twilight would have a field day. Oh and Good going so far, Too bad you had to choose vamp Twi for this method.

In light of the previous comments, just so you're not discouraged, I think the story is just grimdark enough, personally. Great job so far!

5333763 Fair enough, my friend. I was just asking because if I know what turns people off about my writing, I can do better next time.


5334479 Thankee, and yeah, vampire Twilight is a bit of a niche, but it's one I love. Guilty pleasure, in a way.


5334543 <3

5335528 Well Dark would be one way to put it, anyway Grim Dark is a bit darker than this story actually is. it's light enough to help realize that there is still some hope for the hero, also we haven't lost any heroes or innocents that we actually care about. Though your representation of Twi's morality being presented on the level of bland and uninteresting. if anything I'm just saying try and work on those emotions and work them through. On everything else your doing great.

But for some hints on how to display emotions I'd check out Short Skirts and Explosions "End of Ponies", or Peppy Greyskull's "After that fateful Night", There is also Municiple Engine's "Nightmare's Apprentice", and Janushydes "Entwined". but yea Give em a try and se what you can pull from them in a writing aspect or at least on how to express more emotion in the characters actions. the only other Explanation I can think of for Twilights thoughts on such dark subjects being so bland would be that she is still in shock from her change, but that is clearly not the case since she is showing emotions within and without the actions and situation.

PS, towards the end there I'm pretty much speculating.

Oh! That last sentence.

Update soon! I so thoroughly enjoy this story!

5964317 2100 words in to the next chapter so far. Shouldn't be *too* much longer.

no but seriously i m liking the re-wright but come on man i needs my vampony twilight also go dam cliff hangers i needs a fight scene

wtf, i dont remeber this place

you caught my attention... I'm gonna have to read this later.

5986542 All I've got for you is "sorry," man. I've got no excuse this time. I'm just not together enough to hold myself to a schedule. :fluttercry:

5986655 Which place would that be?

How long to the next update?
















Vampire stories here are like crack cocaine to me.

5989610 Not long. Prodigious amounts of nicotine and alcohol mean it's actually getting near half done right now. Tomorrow or the day after, probably, no later than Thursday.

5989669
Sweet. I love cliffhangers, actually because it makes me think. The times I hate them is when it never gets updated. On a separate note, do you think it would be a good idea if someone wrote a story but had the readers decide what would happen?

5989679 Remember Twitch Plays Pokemon? The trolls would be legion. If you could sift through that, it might work, but I sure as hell couldn't pull it off.

5989683
What I mean is like you say in the author's notes something like " should this happen or should this?" Do you think the idea is interesting?

5989693 What, like the old Choose Your Own Adventure books done through a Straw Poll? That'd be awesome as hell if it was done properly.

5989716
It would be. Like a majority choosing what happens in a story could be cool. Somebody needs to do that.

5989755 Don't look at me :rainbowlaugh:

Why don't you give it a shot?

5989771
Because I'm still secretive about liking MLP because of some of my anti-brony friends and the fact that I just do not want to have that talk with my parents. They don't know about things where there a lot of bronies, or that we even exist. I see MLP shit in iFunny and here and Daily motion to avoid telling them.

5989874 Ah, alright. I feel ya. It took me a little while to open the stable doors myself.

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