Just your average run-of-the-mill pony fan.
Big Macintosh is the sexiest stallion in town...and he hates it. Endless mares harass him and his family; he becomes convinced he'll never find the one. Or maybe he will in the last mare he expected. Meanwhile, Twilight tries to open up to a relationship while struggling with the stress of being Celestia's student and the consequences of her decisions.
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*puts shovel up in the shed*
Excellent start
I like where this is going . Keep it up
I was waiting for this to come. Great start and you got me tracking this. Now to wait for the next chapter.
you're doing great!
Me likey... Me likey a lot!
Liking and following! ...I got weirdest sense of déjà vú at the start there; the bit about restraining orders and all.
5845169
Yes.
I'm more of a VinylMac fan, but I liked this.
u should continue!!! this is really good!!!
It's well written... hope you're good at writing sex scenes. Lol!
Well, there's good things and ... things I'd like to discuss.
First, the good things. Your sense of world-building sets up the characters, setting, and conflict nicely. You also did a good job spreading out the setting so that, even though this chapter was just over a thousand words, it didn't feel like you were trying to force-feed us information about this world. It helped that you took the time to establish that McIntosh's problems have been ongoing for a while before the start of the story. Your English grammar/syntax/spelling/etc. are also good; nothing jumped out as an obvious error in that regard.
Now for some of the issues I encountered. Even though you set up the story nicely and at a good pace, the bit about McIntosh's reading habits and tastes felt a little rushed. Instead of having the narrator tell us about his tastes, you might have shown us the bookshelves in his room, or the book under his pillow; something that might allow the reader to draw this conclusion rather than having it spelled out for us.
I'm also a little confused. Why does this need to be anthro? So far, only two scenes were actually affected by the anthro tag, and both had to do with descriptions of clothing (or lack thereof, in one case). Besides that, it's no big stretch to imagine these characters as their normal pony selves. In my opinion, the scenes in question can easily be re-written so that the same basic impact of their attire stays intact, without the need to dwell on their choice of wardrobe. Don't get me wrong, I'm not about to suggest that you re-write the chapter, but consider whether the story truly needs these characters to be anthro. So far, I'm just not convinced.
Holding off on rating this story up or down for now, pending future installments.
5849025
You're right, I should've been more subtle about Mac's literary tastes.
As for why it's anthro, I'd probably do a better job at describing a human or human-esque body in a way that's sexy than regular pony bodies.
Great, now I'll associate McDonald's Big Mac with horse genitals.
Weeeell, I didn't technically proofread this。
You just asked if I liked it and for any tips. =P
Now I know I need to read for that stuff, nary a problem!
5860316
Well, I had to give you some kind of credit.
5860635
Don't worry about it, you're just thumping ideas off me.
Now I need to actually proofread it
5850364
lol!!
5850132
R u updating soon?
Please update! It looks sooo good X3
This is great. I can't wait to read what happens when other Mares treat Twilight badly. Will Mac confort Twi, or will the mares try even hard to get Mac, or try to ruin his and Twi's relationship. Great chapter.
Anal what now?!?!!!
5900046
Anal Retentiveness.
It is where one consistently and stubbornly gets hung up on certain, often mundane things which bother them on a personal level, often leading them becoming high strung and often unpleasant to be around. They are prone to mild psychosis if the issue upon which they've become fixated is not cleared up quick enough.
Basically an insatiable nitpicking worrywart.
Talk about spilling your heart out Twi.
He can beat a sword into a plowshare with his bare hooves. And the implied equipment: All the Apples have the best in town, regardless of it being inside or outside.
Grow up Rainbow Dash.
He knows how crazy women can be, and these happen to be the three women in town who do not harass him.
Ladies want to see him with his shirt on? Either get rid of without or off.
That is surprising.
How long is this list exactly?
Granny was young and hot once, I'm sure she's got stories to tell.
He wrote Advanced Calculus for Today's Agricultural Farmers Practices. He was also a heavy contributor to a recent book about flour, the kind read by chemists at big baker companies.
My inner twelve year-old wants to know if that's something women typically go for, or if those are just typical signs of masculinity.
Mmm...That looks good.
When was the last tie she clopped? I think that's all she needs.
That's blunt.
That's not saying much from a few stories I've read.
<cough>Celestia<cough>
She's looking right at you Bon-Bon! You and Lyra keep him out of your silly contests.
I hope that line becomes a reoccurring thing in every chapter.
5947651
I hope to hear from you again!
Not bad,the romance is coming uo
I love this next chapter. Great job. I can't wait to see what is going to happen when the mares find out about Mac and Twilight getting together. This is great. Good job.
5959723
Thank you, kind sir.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Braeburn got laid before Big Mac did!!!!
Great to see this continue. Far too little Twimac gets written nowadays. One recommendation though. You good grammar and I actually like your pacing but could you add some kind of scene breaks to the story. It helps readers to now when the scene or location changes. Just
----------------
would already be enough. In this chapter you could use them when you jumped from Mac and Twi to AJ and AB to Braeburn and back. Just a little jarring to have the scene change so suddenly without any warning. Expecting to read more about one scene only to find yourself reading about someone completely different nowhere near the previous characters.
5960322
Thank you, I'll remember to do that.
Ninety-nine ponies jumping on the bed. One fell off and bumped her head.
Waist deep in the bitches restrained from Big Mac.
That was an easy one, but who called it?
Lucky bastard.
Son of a-
Dang, Braeburn made me jelly. I thought that was supposed to be Mac's job in this story.
That is so Sweet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A bit fast, but Twilight had a rough experience and Mac wanted to comfort her. Great chapter. Good luck with the next chapter.
Yeah,Macintosh is a boss.
And those two elites.Do they really think than they can insult their Princess student(the personnal one) and walk away like that.
First choice Big Mac who kick their flank.Second choice it's Celestia who do it.
Loving this chapt.
6027910
Well, they were right; going crazy and ruining high society events do not make her look good, neither does siccing friends on people who point this out. Just because you're the princess' student does not mean you get a free pass whenever you mess something up.
6028436 Humm yeah you're right didn't think about that.
Can you belive that im more intrigued to know how Thunderlane and Rainbow got together than the rest of the story (Wich is really good BTW).
6028772
It's sort of a 'friends with benefits' thing at the moment.
6028436 Yeah, but the thing is, as revealed at the end of the gala episode, Celestia kind of planned/hoped they would do something like that, cause, in her words:
"That was the best grand galloping gala ever!"
"Oh Twilight, the grand galloping gala is always awful."
"That is why I was thrilled you and your friends were attending, I was hoping you'd liven things up a bit."
Clearly, the only ones who thought it was ruined, were the snooty, jerky elite of canterlot.
But, in the case of the want it, need it incident, they are a bit right...
6028986
So it's permissible to act disruptive, cause destruction, bother people, and let animals run wild in a party as long as the host says it's okay (without taking the other guests' feelings into consideration because they're not the main characters)?
From TvTropes' Strawman has a Point: The Canterlot Elite in "Sweet and Elite" are depicted as smug elitists for treating the ponies from Ponyville as boorish hicks. In addition to their assorted bad behaviours at the Grand Galloping Gala (the highest profile national annual party), Rarity's friends crash and trash the Canterlot Garden Party (the second highest profile national annual party), making one wonder if the reputation for being boorish hicks is at least somewhat deserved. Indeed, for the Gala, Celestia deliberately invited the main characters in hopes of "livening up" the party, and afterwards claims it was the best one in a long time because the Mane Cast engaged in disruptive behavior, culminating in Fluttershy screwing up a party which is, for her, exceedingly boring, further adding fuel to the fire.
6028868 Do you plan to make them something more...?
6029323
Perhaps. Not sure if it'll happen in this story, though.
Thunderlane talks too much.
Sounds about right.
I would not be surprised if it was the longest pillow talk Rainbow's had.
Smarty-Pants anyone? Hiiii girrls...<ear twitch>
Called it!
She had nothing to do with the Gala, but if she left Celestia she would have.
Looks fine to me.
Don't stop a woman from rambling. I don't. I like it when she talks and all I have to do is listen.
Quiet the baby boom of pauses. Speaking of which, is Thunderlane more than a piece of meat to Rainbow? She did spill her guts...
6052129
1. Actually, that was RD talking.
9. RD's neither that cold or heartless.
Also, I'm surprised you didn't comment on Twilight's rant or Thunderlane's spanking fetish.
6056629 My thinking is "If she's upset at something besides you, let her vent." It can be cute in it's own scary way.
I guess by her talking about something as fragile as someone else's love life I should have seen that. I have never been involved in a 'friends-with-benefits' relationship so I do not know how he or she see it.
... Thank you for affirming that I'm not the only one who thinks this...
But Twilight has good points too. The speed of things is just right, by the way.
6065170
Thank you very much.
Next chapter, Twilight is called into Trixie's trial for what happened in Magic Duel and more people will call out her actions there.