The Smith

TwiMac138 stories ·466 members

Tirek's attack drained everypony of their magic. When it returned some ponies were changed. Ancient magic in the blood returned. For Big Macintosh this will lead him down a road of discovery.

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Comments ( 5 )

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Harwick

Harwick #1 · Feb 15th, 2015 · · ·

It wrapped up a bit suddenly, but overall a charming story! You made the leads an appealing couple, and sent them on an interesting little quest. I enjoyed it!

PonyTom

PonyTom #2 · Feb 22nd, 2015 · · ·

It was cute and a nice read, but I felt like everything moved a bit too quickly. Some of it seemed kind of forced and out of place. That said, it was adorable, and I did enjoy reading it!

rathgood

rathgood #3 · Feb 22nd, 2015 · · ·

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Thanks for the comments. I do agree with what both of you are saying. I wrote this with a deadline (5 days) for a Hearts & Hooves day write-off. So all in told I probably spent 10-12 hours writing it. I plan to go back and clean it up and if needed, add additional chapters.

SFaccountant

SFaccountant #4 · Feb 23rd, 2015 · · ·

There were a couple parts after transitions that seem like they were cut short from larger scenes:

“Well” clopping her hooves the princess of love stands up, “I appreciate that you're a good sport and as a peace offering, would the two of you like to join us for breakfast?” The growling of both their stomachs answer that question for them.
“Eyup” states Big Mac as they make their way to the private dining room.
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She addresses Cadence and Shining Armor, “Good afternoon your hignesses” and then turns towards Twilight and Big Mac, “And afternoon to you Princess Twilight.” she trots closer and removes a hoof sized prismatic crystal from her saddlebags. “I brought what you asked,” and she gestures to Big Mac, “Is he the pony in question?”

We're dropped right into this scene with a pronoun without any clue who "she" refers to, and only figure out that she's a new pony as you list the others in the room and allow us to eliminate them as possibilities.

Closing his eyes, the stallion does his best to grow the crystals into something to protect them. He imagines a tree bending to wreath them in its branches and then the world goes dark.
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dragon that was invading the mine?”
“Y..yes my prince” replies the guard hesitantly, “But it was a very big iguana sir.”

Here we're literally dropped into a conversation mid-sentence. Very strange.

That aside, it was cute and pretty fun, but it definitely gives the impression that it's setting up a much bigger story; all that hubbub about Mac being able to suddenly shoot crystals out of the ground seems kind of important, and getting a future date with Twilight after they were both nearly killed kind of seems like an underwhelming conclusion. This story has adventure chops, and it deserves to be explored further.

PresentPerfect

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