• Member Since 15th Jan, 2012
  • offline last seen Jan 2nd, 2014

SwiperTheFox


This sneaky fox, always clad in a blue mask and gloves, has long been a bane of unwary travelers with loose accouterments.

T

You've had a relatively happy past few days in Equestria, although your memory of your horrible, tragic death back on Earth haunts you, and Twilight stops by your workplace with a piece of happy news. The royals have approved your request for a 'temporary citizenship visa', a little bit of what seems like bureaucratic nonsense but you've gone along with it, and you'll be going off to Canterlot soon. Fleur de Lis, your 'adviser' during this transition, shows you around your new job, your new apartment, and everything else.

Fleur gets rid of your worries and concerns; she shows you you how the princesses sincerely want to help you fit in and set up you up to use your talents in the best way, helping ponies. Yet you feel this aura of sadness that you can't shake. It's not just that you saw your family dying with you back on earth, causing you to wake up screaming. It's that Fleur drills down to you that your wonderful life in Canterlot will be fleeting and that they'll try to bounce you back soon. That horrible clock on your visa counts down-- 325 days remaining before the unique background radiation of Equestria's sun kills you again.

Fleur comforts you however she can. You can't help yourself, and this sweet, tender emotional attraction turns into something more. You've never seen someone this outwardly beautiful with this kind of powerful beauty on the inside.

Chapters (2)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 38 )

dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Luna_lolface.png 3rd favorite kinda pairing your on a roll bro

edit

dis gun be gud cant wait for next chapter

edit edit super edit

you posted it and let the views flow in!! '

edit mega duper awesome editing of coolness

FIRST FIRST FIRST *rubs first in everyone's face*

Hold up what? Dude's name is Scamper? Wasn't that the dude's name from the last fic? Is this the same guy?

576007
Thanks! :rainbowkiss:

576112
Ah, that was just an error! {Not the same guy} Glad you caught that before this got totally uploaded!

I went with the "you" being "Scooter" r.e. Pinkie Pie's annoying yet charming talent for giving human visitors cartoony names. It's a reference to the Howie Mandel teddy bear PC games from the 90s, where the cartoon bear guy (or he looks like a bear, I think) refers to the player as "Scooter". It's also a reference to the muppet from the Dr. Teeth band. And I just like it.

576164

I was aware of the pinkie pie nicknames, this is the 3rd story of this kind from you that I've read. It's just that when twi addressed "you" as scamper outta fucking nowhere I got confused.

The italics are what threw me for a loop, it's like one of your parents addressing you with your first and middle name when you're in trouble.

576178
Yeah, I've fixed it now.

So, what do you think of the story? What about the characters, the premise, the situation all that? Also, what would you want to see in Ch.2?

576186

I'll be honest here, It's 5:15 am and I have work in a few hours. It's a bit short for me to really get a good impression of the story though. I trust that you'll deliver a good story, after all I've kept an eye on you since Nightmare Date. I'll have to articulate more thoughts later though, I need to steal what precious few hours of sleep that I can.

576201
Oh, I understand. I should be sleeping too. Thank Christ my work starts at around 2pm and not in the morning. :yay:

Thank for reading. I'd love it if you could re-read later, maybe. And thanks for commenting.

It's really good so far, I'm not sure where you would go from here either...:fluttershysad:

Seeing how and where you died in glorious detail.
That royally sucks.:rainbowderp::pinkiesad2::pinkiesick:

That was certainly more emotional and deep than I was expecting it to be. Also enjoyed the movie making going on, I think that's the 2nd time I've encountered a story using that idea.

BBB

576206 hey swiper i am curious...

still able to protray luna and celestia in the way you did in a nightly romance and nightmare date?:duck:

just curious...

BBB

also nice story. :twilightsmile:

then again it alsways seems you wright good storys :rainbowwild:

Well then, a nice change of pace is always nice.
And redundant x is x.
Anyway, I am writing a clopfic myself and I hesitantly request that you take a look at it and tell me whether I should go set myself on fire or carve a smile under my chin. Or if it good by some miracle.

Oh, my, god. This is freaking wonderful. Seriously, I can't WAIT when he tells them all that he's dead on earth. Hurry please!

I get the feeling this one is going to be sad :fluttercry: but its really nice that Twilight is getting back to her nicer self :twilightblush: and Trixie trying to use humans as a demonic army is hilarious! :trixieshiftright:

This was a pretty good chapter. I can't find anything in it to really nitpick. I look forward to the next one.

oooo this is gonna be interesting to see how this goes :trollestia:

Nicely to know it appears to be going well for Redheart and Peaches.

This continues to be very interesting.

damn and the plot thickens :pinkiegasp:

Couple misspells here and there:
"...cant stand to be along anywhere crowded..." (along should be alone)

Aside from that, Im liking it so far and the mysterious claustophobia/PTSD type thing he has is interesting.

Nice to see that the Oklahoma City Bombing hasn't completely fallen off the radar as far as notable events. You live in Oklahoma City or lived there around the time of the bomb?

His A-level should mean that they should frog blast the vent core. Thats the only logical thing to do with an A-level >9000. (High five if you get the first reference)

579116
579122
579221
579451
Great that you guys are liking it so far! :pinkiesmile:

Didn't get the a-level reference. I had to look it up. :twilightblush:

The a-level / electronic wand / e-meter thing is from my previous fic A Brush With A Beauty, which is in contin. with this. The OK bombing was in my mind writing this given that I sort of used imagery from the bombing and things about it as a reference background for my very first fic here, Migraines, which is another HiE where the human has several mental and physical problems that haunt him constantly. I don't really have a personal connection per se.

Thanks for commenting BTW. :twilightsmile:

The protagonist's freak outs are kind of weird and every time they happen I feel like the quality of writing goes down the tubes.

Really wish this wasn't a 2nd person protagonist, there's absolutely nothing to ground yourself in this fic.

579640
Sorry you feel that way. What's that wrong about the darker moments?

579660

I think it's because I have so little to connect me to the protagonist at this point. Some mysterious, card-board cutout person is having really weird problems that look like they will be explained at some point but seem so out of left field they don't make me understand the character any better, or identify with him.

So he's mentally scarred in an obscure and semi-PTSD/not-PTSD manner, great. I think it was introduced too early, because I'm already skimming over those parts, trying to get to the interesting bits. It can't be in character development because 2nd person is almost devoid of character development because...it's second person. So that leaves world building, which doesn't happen in those sequences, and character interactions, which also don't happen in those sequences. So they add very little to the story in my opinion.

At the same time I am reading a multi-chapter 2nd person story so I have to ask myself, "What did I expect?"

Gahhh, this is why I can't stand 2nd person. Why it finds such great purchase in this fandom I will never understand :raritydespair:.

579703
I think you mean, "This is why you can't stand second person." :trollestia:

579496 Looks like I will have to look up Migranes at some point. I was a little kid living in Oklahoma City at the time and if my older brother's field trip date was a little different, then he would have also been a victim of the bomb. Fortunately he wasn't.

Shame you didn't play one of Bungie's early claims to fame, though that would have required a Mac at the time. You can download Marathon for free for the PC nowadays though. Though how did you miss the Vegeta 'over 9000' reference?

No problem!:twilightsmile:

579887

I definitely feel it's the laziest path an author can take but, I can put up with it when the better authors decide to write in it. I still feel that for some reason the writing feels a little flat at those parts. 2 hours of sleep, so I'm probably not coming across as well as I'd like to.

Got work all day today, I'll try to come back tonight and explain again.

580440
Oh, I got the over 9000 reference. Just not the rest of that.

Interesting that you have that bit of family connection there, and I'm glad that everything ended up okay for you and your family.

582236 Yeah, things would be different if they hadnt.

I like this story so far its kinda funny with the whole "pranksters" thing but also kind of dark with the whole "you and your family are dead" thing

sorry took me so long to read, just got new PC and haven't been able to get off steam:twilightblush:

With some epic nitpicking, this would be perfect. I spotted a few errors here and there, but nothing too major. Longer chapters also = better.

Comment posted by ArmedBrony deleted Jan 8th, 2013

580440
The OKC bombing happened on my birthday.

EDIT: I was 11 when it happened

1919904
Your now the second person I know whose birthday coincides with the anniversary of a major terrorist attack.
My Dad's birthday is 9-11.

Wow, this needs to be continued more, I'm kinda scared to see the resolution though, great job Swiper, I really like how you've created this massigve arc with the humans coming to Equestria, but you need to update more often.

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!