It was supposed to be just another night watch, but fate had other plans for our favorite princess of the night. A new foe arises from the depths of Tartarus and threatens to lead Luna back to her Nightmare ways. Who is this mysterious beast and what are his treacherous plans for Equestria?
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Author's notes: While I have your attention here I would just like to give a shout out to one of my friends on this site: JLBDreamer. She is the amazing artist that did that fantastic cover art for this fanfic. Aside from that she is also a great author, an amazing person and also a great support overall. She also helped me out a lot while I was writing this fanfic so i thank her from the bottom of my heart. JLB you rock!
Aww. You make me blush.
You've done a good job with your rewrite, especially with English not being your first language. It still needs some work so maybe find someone who likes editing and has the time to tighten it up later.
I really like how you introduced the Basilisk. I look forward to more.
Also just copy the link to the pic on my deviant. I send it to you in a message too.
Ah. Another with a story that no one bothers to give feedback on. I'll see what I can say.
-NofeedbackNofun.
Wow. I can see some problems here, but I'll cover those later. They're also not why I'm wowing. While the beginning seems fast paced, it brings up more questions to what we're witnessing, in the good way. Who is the unicorn and what is the serpent? Are they even linked? Was it pure coincidence? Was the pony a mere illusion created by the serpent? What are the serpent's goals?
You've already established that it feeds on fear (which is rather unfortunate because everything seems to feed on fear nowadays), but is it just sustenance or is it just trolling around for fun?
The story has been well developed in the beginning and all the way to the end, and you've detailed things very well, too, although you did introduce a character without much explanation near the end; Namely Amethyst Gold. You brought her in without explaining who she is or what her position could be. It seems she's a guard with some authority...but what exactly?
Now, the few problems I noticed.
*It seemed to consist
Not sure if intentional or meant 'face'.
Don't parentheses. I only ever do that when I'm writing in comedic first person or incarnating the narrator, and that's only for the special, special stories.
And your dialogue. When you end it with association, like 'x said', you end the dialogue sentence with a comma where a period would normally be.
5948475 I noticed the Amethyst problem and I think I fixed it a bit more in the second chapter (better late than never I suppose lol). The questions you raised are pretty much essential to the headcannon this is a part of so expect them to be answered gradually. The serpent 'feeds on fear' in the same way Pinkie 'feeds on laughter'; not really supstance but merely for pleasure if you will. I am glad you liked it so far and I will fix those problems asap. Hope you enjoy the rest as well
First chapter
I loved the song, especially~ (I'm not the best at reviewing stories...)
Huuuu. While it didn't do much in regards to the main plot point, it served to give a background to this Equestria you discovered and to create more surroundings for us to see. After all, not everything is Michael Bay and explosions.
By the way, if Luna wants to lose her sanity, all she needs to do is ask Psycho.
5996286 Thank you. Yeah I know this chapter didn't have much to do with the rest but I wanted to represent Luna in as many ways as I could. We have all seen Luna the fighter and Luna the character but Luna the princess is quite under utilized imo (heck Celestia as a princess is under utilized). I wanted to show the inner workings of Equestrian law and fix some 'problems' I had with the previous chapter here. And trust me Luna's mind is slipping as is quite enough lol
P.s. How did you like Amethyst so far?
Interesting, but it did detract immensely from the main story. It's a good idea to not stray too far, or people won't like that and will get confused and frustrated as they want to see more of the main story. Otherwise, it's a good chapter and we learned what the...blue...thing is.
*where
You wot?
No need to cut this in two. It's confusing.
...You mean heir?
6010460 Thanks on pointing out the flaws, I'll try to fix them up as we proceed. The next chapter will be all plot related don't worry lol Oh and he isn't a thing he is a special unicorn cha
6012914 Would his blue flames be related to a certain incarnation of Hades that we all know and find hilarious?
6012914 That's where the inspiration came from. He is from Tartarus and his father is King Hades (no relation to The Hades btw sorry but that guy cannot be recreated)
Very intriguing so far. I like! Have an upvote.
Also, English isn't your first language? Impressed!
6044875 Aww shucks you're making me blush
And thanks for making me break my first hundred reads here! Wooo
Redundant redundancy? What's with the accusingly accusatory accusations?
6100273 i was defending you defendigly
I'm glad I could help with your concepts and some of the editing in the first chapters. Sorry I've been busy and not able to help as much toward the end. Since I didn't get to give feedback or edit upfront on the last half here is some:
The beginning felt as if you were writing for something longer but the last half was rushed. You only mentioned Luna's nightmare's that Radifus was giving and that sort of lost impact on his introduction. His nightmare powers battling Luna's dream powers was a good idea for a villain but you sort of glossed over that.
The last chapter didn't feel like a big climax since you spent so little time building up to it. In the future look to build up toward the climax with a few smaller encounters.
6102734 Thank you for your critique. The climax at the end was more of a preparation battle for things that will come but I will try to space it out better later on. The dream conflict is there to introduce the concepts that I will explore later on.
Good chapter! It helped with world building, and showed the expansion of the Serpent' s power.
Only one particularly large problem:
t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQpjw95scbh8nfBFMzvFDKf1mLf_bd_TnWhGfQUSaunN3ZE7yl7Yui4gXc
img2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20130403195243/mlp/images/c/cb/Map_of_Equestria_April_2013.jpg
East and west are mixed up.
6118229 Oops
I'll have that fixed lickity split
Impressive, actually. We'll be on the look out for more. The idea of fiery ponies from Tartarus in intriguing, as not many authors try write much more than saying that Cerberus guards the gates. The idea of an entire civilization beneath the world is definitely unique.
Though, I must point out. When using Old English, Near the beginning you use 'thou' and near the end you use 'thee'. Except in the form of a question.
All-in-all, good story. Likable characters. Racial tension. Backstory. And those two ponies arguing over two bits was actually quite funny. Politicians, what can you do?
6205169 If you liked this bit about Tartarus then just wait for the sequel lol. It's kinda sad to me that not a lot of writers use Tartarus considering you have an entire place unexplored and, as a great myth lover, I just had to see what I can sort down there.
You know I did not know that about old English. I will definitely keep an eye out for those mistakes.
And THANK YOU for noticing the politics bit.
Wow, this is amazingly written!
6220510 Thank you
amethyst?
fate
6250729 I'll get on right away *zooms to the edit bar*
Wow, excellent character building.... but perhaps a bit more work on the dialogues? Just saying.
6259312 Thank you
To be perfectly honest, I was trying to go for a more character driven plot here, so I'll work on the dialogue in the sequels (it's not my best fic, but it's a dang good one).
Wow that is really cool. I will read this story later. It was a bit confusing in some parts, but everything cleared itself out then.
You nailed every character. That is really awesome. Especially Luna. I love her portrayal here.
So cute! It is great how you worked with the past and her memories due to the castle.
This is not over yet. I am sure.
Awesome. I cannot wait to read the next chapter.
Now I am finished reading it, and as usual with most every story I look at, I will give my comments as to what I just read.
Also as usual, to any others, with most any story comments I give, don't read unless you read the story or you like spoilers. For there will be some.
A space looks to be missing.
"for Canterlot"
A possible miss spelled word "fealing" in-
I have a feeling it needs to be said with "feeling."
It is important to me to be able to gauge the age of him in the story. It helps me to picture what is going on in my head. So such details help me a lot with that.
As for age I don't count what was done to the Main Six in Equestria Girls in establishing the age of the Main Six. Mostly because they are shown as schoolgirls in that movie. In the TV show they are shown to be more like young adults having jobs and such. Twilight becomes a princes with her own castle and lands to rule over, each of the Main Six helped in saving the lands from terrors (Not to say they did not do that in EQS), and even one of them (Rarity, who owns three shops now) pining for a stallion of her own to get involved with to one day marry. She had her sights set on two of them in past episodes.
You have in one spot in your story,
I take it that you literally mean young stallion, as in older than a colt, but still younger than a well established full adult stallion like Fancy Pants?
Let's say an age between the Main Six and the CMC, but closer to the age of the Main Six? Perhaps an age much like Pinkie's youngest sister Marble Pie?
For now I am currently assuming that he is about the same age as what Marble Pie looks to be. Young, but not much younger than the Main Six.
This I have for a clue as to a part of what the viper wants.
If it was not for this part I would have questioned as to why the viper did not just kill Luna right after she fell.
Apparently killing her was not in his plans as it first seemed, just scarring her.
The dream Luna was given was interesting. It reminded me on the show of the future Starlight Glimmer was shown to by Twilight.
Seemed the viper could not best Luna in a dream. She did not take to the vision she was shown after all.
Now that would be funny to see Celestia with a ruffled mane.
Looks to be some kind of typo here.
I think you may have wanted it to be
Come on I’ll help you out, Luna said
Nice lullaby.
It is hard for me to fully enjoy it though, not without hearing it the way the you intended for it to be heard.
This is not the fault of the story, just something personal with me in dealing with some sort of song in any given story.
To me, anything lyrical is best heard, not read.
This, at first glance it looked like something was missing here. “Eyes” it be, I think.
“the night guardian said with tears in her eyes.”
I think you might be missing an "it" here.
"she turned it off"
I see in the next chapter the viper’s vision given to her did get to her after all. She is worried by it.
Without grabbing every detail within this chapter, I like the way you represent Luna and the way she handles domestic issues. Tuff, but fair.
I also like that Luna took the time to take one of the tasks of handling a dispute. I like it even more that she decided to deal with it herself so her sister would not have to, some time after waking up.
Again, I see in the third chapter the viper’s vision given to her still worries her. I would think that the viper itself would worry her more than that vision she does not believe would become true.
I see you have a different take on both Celestia and Luna’s powers over the sun, moon, and stars than I would have envisioned.
Not that I see it as bad, just different.
I personally prefer to think that Celestia has as much power if not more over the sun than Luna has over the moon. I had envisioned that Celestia has the power to control the intensity of the sun, and even perhaps use it as a weapon when need be. But at great risk of it possibly doing more harm than good, as sort of last ditch scorched earth tactic.
As for who controls the stars, I find it a kind of popular vote that many would say Luna has control over them.
Again, the way you have it in your story is not bad, just different. Not a way I would have thought of.
Wow! What a voice! It carries as far as from the castle in Canterlot all the way to Ponyville?
With a voice like that, I guess so!
And why not?
I am also instantly reminded of that cellphone commercial. “Can you hear me now?”
Another typo I think. A “ot” to a “to".
“thought to herself”
Luna needs to stop thinking of the days of old. It really gets to her.
I do believe another missing word.
“push the correct buttons”
I must say, I did not like Celestia saying that to Sombra in the fan made animation of Fall Of The Cristal Empire, done by Silly Filly Studios (despite just how awesome I thought that video is). And I don’t like Luna saying it here to Radifus either.
Sure I can see Luna saying it to insult him, but it is far from correct. He faced her once, and if he was the coward she said he is, he might have just killed her when he had the chance, rather than try and control her with fear. And he faces her now, rather than try and slip away. If he does know anything about her, that she is not one to be trifled with, and I think he knows this. For him to face one he knows he my not have a chance agents makes him foolish perhaps, but hardly a coward.
The same goes with Sombra when Celestia calld him such while in combat with him. He faced off with both sisters, and he is called a coward while Celestia impales him with a sword, and he just smiles back at her?
Anyway, enough of my rambling on that. Back to the story.
Oh! I see Radifus was about as impressed with Luna calling him a coward as I was.
One change I think might need to be made here. Though don’t quote me on that. I know I may have it wrong, and it is done correctly already.
Grammar and such is a big problem for me to do correctly myself.
“Luna noticed that as he spoke, small slender beings, consisted of pure dark energy,”
OK, this looked wrong to me. I think you might have meant to have Radifus there instead of Basilisk.
And I think “at one” might needed to be added near the end of this.
“Luna stood behind her terracolts as Radifus stopped his spectral beings. It was a standoff, each creature staring at one another.”
I think you might have meant “beast.”
Pick A Card: “Q! where is the anomaly?!”
Discord: "A beast took it."
Pick A Card: "Not the answer I was looking for. Who and what are you anyway? Are you the beast that took it?"
You may need an “out” in there. And a “why.”
“No wonder why he was able to appear out of thin air,”
This seems odd to me. Darkrim got his cutie mark, but it was like no big deal made about it. No question about it from either Luna or Darkrim. Not as to why he got it, or even a bit of wonder between them as to what it might have meant. And it is to me to be an unusual mark for one that came from Tartarus. A land for all I know is devoid of the night sky.
Now I had it be part of the rift that formed between one of my OCs and her mother, when she got her cutie mark and her mother showed no interest in it at that moment, as if it was not important to her. Though that was not the case. Her mother was just upset with her for going out when told not to.
But this instance in your story confuses me as to why they did not address him getting his right there and then. It would have been interesting to see them try and figure that one out together.
Perhaps I may see more about that in the next story.
Over all, I liked this story.
Funny, Luna kept getting sentimental about the past, a lot in this. Though she has a lot to remember, and a lot to ketch up on. I don’t mind that she got the way she did in parts of this. I have had more then my share of such moments in my stories. By comparison some moments in mine is a big cry fest. But some of those moments are for a good reason to be so. Something a little harder hitting than nostalgia to them.
One such moment was in my very first story that was of nostalgia. I think I told you about this already. The story Baby Naming. I did not intend for Luna to be in the story at all at first. It was originally suppose to be some time Twilight spent with Celestia only. I changed it all after I thought about adding Luna to the story. And I felt my inclusion of her fit the story better.
I did add (to me) a rather funny situation during that time. Luna holding Twilight like a stuffed toy for comfort as Luna talked about her past to Twilight. Not sure why I did that, but I could not resist doing so just the same.
In your story I enjoyed that you first had Luna relive a part of her past when she was little and talked to the guard statues in the main hall. Saying that she pretended to give them orders to do things for her. Then she did use them in time after all to help protect her. I like how you brought part of her past and present together in that way. A nice touch I though.
I had first thought Radifus might not have been as powerful as he was. He did prove to be a hoof full for Luna. Though knowing what he is, that makes a difference. No wonder she had a hard time with him.
So I am giving this story a like, and I will check out the following stories. From what you have told me already, the rest of this story should get much more interesting as it goes on.
And here is hoping that this story has an end one day. Far too many I have liked, got forgotten by the writer and has not been finished. Kind of like one of mine I did not finish yet, and might not.
5948400
Exactly!
And that is something that I usually do, give some kind of feed back to near any story I read. It is why I joined this site in the first place.
7346778 Thank you so much for your comment! The grammar mistakes will be dealt with shortly, but I am glad you likd this story.
Yeah, that's about right. He's a bit younger than the MAne Six but not so much that he could be called a colt. This is why he can act a bit childish from time to time, but for the most part he has his qualities pop up.
This fic was written before Do princesses dream of magic sheep? and as such Luna had some issues she later resolved. Her past was still weighing heavily on her which is why the vision of her as Nightmare Moon shook her up. You'll see in later fics, but Radifus does have a connection to her darker side. I won't spoil it for you, but there was a reason Radifus wanted her on his side.
I'd be right up there with you, but I do have two of my own reasons why this isn't the case (at least for me). My first reason would be that, due to Celestia's old age, her powers have begun to weaken. Her separation from the elements of harmony did cause a massive imblance in her control over theSun. While she still could regain such power, she reserve it for the worst case scenarios and tries to save herself as much as she can. My second reason is the 'instability' problem. We have seen, in the show, that it takes quite the mage to be able to conjure up a spell to walk on clouds. Now imagine the clouds being couple of thousands time larger than Earth. Pony magic, at least the way I see it, is much stronger if applied to solid and liquid objects, while gaseous objects are much harder to control. This is also the reason why I don't believe Luna could control the stars. It's my interpretation, but that is why this fic is AU.
Well what do you expect? Her voice was powerful enough to send ponies flying in close range. And that was her talking voice
Well that was the intent here. She said that to provoke him like he had been trying to provoke her. She doesn't actually believe that (as you will see in later fics), but she did that to make him angry and attack her. Blind fury is powerful, but unfocused, and Luna knows that would have been her upper hoof in the battle.
There is a reason. You see Tartarus ponies don't have the same type of a cutie mark as Equestrian. While Equestrian cutie marks are tied to their skills, Tartarian cutie marks are tied to their alliegance. Their cutie marks are ostly a sign of those who they honor the most. Plus I don't think Luna saw that cutie mark appear (since it didn't really flash). I could make a joke about this in later fics though.
Then you are going to have a riot with the sequel.
It should, at least I think so. While I am not writing anything currently (personal drama as per usual), I do intend to finish this story. THere are many ideas and concepts I have yet to explore and I am glad I already have two (maybe even a third with you on board) active readers that keep me moving forward.
7348371
But wait there is more.
The mention of Radifus being a Basilisk made me think of the Korean lesser dragon, an Imugi.
Such is shown in the Korean movie Dragon Wars: D-War.
These Imugi being several times larger than a Basilisk, like the one shown in the movie Harry Potter. And where a Basilisk is considered to be a thing of evil, an Imugi is said to be benevolent and helpful, as well as sign of good luck to one who may have seen one.
As for Radifus for your main villain in this story I thought made for a rather powerful opponent. It looked like he would have won agents Luna a few times. Making Radifus a no joke. This I enjoyed seeing, a villain that could hold his own even agents Luna.
I liked even more that Luna did not just pull a victory out of her ass to beat him. It was as you put it, taking it out of him to us his magic for it was not a thing his kind can naturally do well, so he had to leave. In a way it was not a victory for Luna, only postponing a time for her to face him again.
Even if a fight looks tough, I never did like seeing the heroes, or heroins have a win handed to them at the end. Like as if at that point there was no chance of them loosing. You know, as if the protagonist in battle was suddenly unstoppable, even though that person was for a moment beaten. I see that happen in way too many comic stories and moves, and is one thing I don't like about them.
Nice to see that was not the case in your story.
I did find it funny in comments that you stated that Radifus feeds on fear for fun, in as The Psychopath put it in question, "just trolling around for fun?"
In my own twisted way I can relate to that. Seeing fear in others at times, depending on the situation can be quite delicious!
And can be a big ego boost giving one an emotional serge in even physical power. Much how just listening to the right music alone can boost a persons willpower during a work out or running.
I also liked seeing Luna inviting Darkrim to stay as a guest at the castle. And why not? It is in her right to do so.
She could not help but feel sorry for this young stallion without a home. But it was more than that. He is one of royalty, and one Luna felt she can relate to. I was actually hoping she would ask him to stay, and she did.
I did notice you had asked in comments on what at least one thought of Amethyst. I know I quickly skipped over anything about her, but I did like seeing the role she played in showing how some are still trying to get accustomed to Luna being and equal ruler along side her sister, and despite her past, she is not one to fear.
I can relate to this moment of adjustment Amethyst was going through and just what I was referring to as Luna not being one to fear. I have a friend I have not seen in years, but the guy could be described of by some as strong and evil. I dwarf him in size as I do with many others, as in he is much bigger than I.
He asked me once if I though of him as someone I should fear. He actually looked concerned to me as he asked. I told him no. And there is a big difference between a person respecting another person for being strong, and fearing that person, and that I don't fear him. I told him that I know he has certain personal values that many may not understand of him and I never have given him any reason to come after me for anything, and that he values his friends far more than I have seen others do.
I also put it to him that I may respect one with power, but those that think I should fear them for having it only pisses me off. All of this actually made him feel better.
As for Amethyst, in my own way I thought her to be kind of funny and I liked her change in view of Luna in time. Though Luna did play a big part in how Amethyst thought of her.
She also made for an interesting addition to your story, seeing who she is and her position in the castle. Some my not like seeing other such OCs in a story, but I do. Hell, I have enough of them in some of my own. I count over nine in just one of them alone.
I figured that, but what I was referring to was in your story as she was having her vision, she did not seem to believe what she was seeing as not only not real, but not likely to ever happen. She just did not seem convinced during the vision. And Radifus seemed to pick up on this and seemed upset about this while saying that this isn't over.
It was her first reaction to the vision that made me think she did not believe it would ever come true. Though her resolve on this thought of hers seemed to fade as time went on and she did worry her self about it more, as you shown in the story.
Well, yes, I had assumed he did. Seeing that he did not just kill her in the few chances that he could have told me this, or he would not have been a convincing but foolish and silly villain at that.
That is an interesting take. As for me I had thought of her and Luna, and any other Alicorn as being like what some Anime has said about Vampires. That they grow in power as they age, and the ancient ones are near unstoppable. Making Celestia possibly the most powerful of them all, And Luna not far form power as her older sister.
I said in comments to the story A Bluebird's Song, I would think Celestia is not looking to train any others to take her place for any time she may die or loos her power (as in natural causes), but to have others she can trust to help protect those she cares about. For one: she knows she can't be everywhere at once. And two: she knows at any given time something might happen to her that my leave her precious ponies defenseless without her. Such as what happened many times already on the show. She knows as a wise ruler that even she needs some back up during such times.
I personally don't see her or any of the other Alicorns loosing their power or life due to old age. That is not to say they can't, that is something I don't know about them. So what you have bout them is just as valid to me.
Exactly, I don't see you writing Luna as being stupid as other have made her out to be, for certain conveniences in their story. You know, so their OC can shine above and beyond the two Royal Sisters and the Main Six.
As much as I was unimpressed with what she said to him, it did not have the feel of Luna taking her own words seriously as if he really was no threat to her.
Oh' now that is interesting. As I said for him to have a mark of the moon and stars did not make any sense to me, seeing that he is a Tartarian. But if what you just said is true (this is your own story, so you would know best as to what is going on), it looks to me as if his alliegance is possibly tied to Luna now, I would wager. That is my guess.